Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne
Fuck this film. I actually want to beat the shit out of it using a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and drag the corpse behind a car doing 50 miles an hour along a gravel road. Then I want to take the ripped up and bloody remains, stomp them for a while, before incinerating them in a furnace. Once finished, I want to take the furnace, place it in a spaceship and fire it into the fucking sun. Words actually fail to describe how fucking shit, boring, inept and aggravating this film is, so I’m going to have to invent some. From this moment onwards Bloodrayne shall be forever be rated as “Crabollshuseless”. Fuck me! Who the fuck keeps giving Dr. Uwe Boll money, and how the fuck does he keep getting good actors to waste in completely the wrong roles in films that defy description?
Before I start- this is what Boll is saying to fans of the game, fans of film, fans of violence, fans of vampires and the human race with this film:
I have no knowledge at all of the game Bloodrayne, and now I don’t care. The film has put me off it by being fucking woeful shite. Apparently, it’s about some half-vampire chick called Rayne (another word for a half vampire is, apparently, a Dampir). She hooks up with a group of losers led by Madsen, and some other cunt with an inexplicable mullet that looks deeply bored to be there. She’s looking for bits of a dead vampire to absorb so she can go and kill head vampire, The Kurgan (only joking, because that would be awesome, and NOTHING about this film is awesome). Everyone apart from Rayne dies, there’s a montage, I check my bank balance to see if I have enough to order a hit on Dr. Boll. Sadly, I don’t, being about, er, almost all of it short, however I will leave a paypal ID at the bottom of this review so if anyone has been unfortunate enough to sit through this shit, they too can contribute to removing him from the planet.
Right. Well. Where to begin? The acting in this is fucking atrocious. Kristanna Lokken plays Rayne, and while very fetching (not to mention willing to get her tits out), is somnambulent. Vladimir is played by Michael Madsen. Well, I say “played” whereas what I actually mean is “Madsen was present on set reading out some lines from what is erroneously called a fucking script, in a completely disinterested way.” Matt Davies sports a mullet as Sebastien, Ben Kingsley beat his personal record for worst ever performance set previously in Prince Of Persia as Kagan. Incidentally, he’s sporting an utterly ludicrous gray wig that even the Hairpiece himself would ignore for being too stupid. Other cast members include Meatloaf doing fuck knows what, Udo Keir slumming it, and a bevy of Romanian hookers. I’m not actually joking about that, sadly: Boll is such a cunt that he decided it was cheaper to hire some fucking skag whores from the streets of Bucharest than extras. I suspect “cheaper” had nothing to do with it and actually he just hired them to fuck him in order, then realised he had time left on the meter so thought “fuck it, I’ll stick them in this utterly gratuitous tits scene”. Oh, and Michelle Rodrigues is doing something or other for no good reason. Ditto Billy Zane. What a fucking waste of a cast.
Secondly, this film is structured like a video game. This is not a good thing. There are “levels”: Rayne goes and retrieves the eye-of-couldn’t-care-less from the fat monk temple, which she then absorbs. It then gives her extra powers to enable her to
get to previously inaccessible bits of the level cross water. The whole fucking film is like this, which is why it’s such a fucking failure- Narrative and Gameplay are two separate facets of the modern video game. They exist together, and in a film this SHOULD NOT FUCKING HAPPEN as there is no need for gameplay. It’s excruciatingly boring as the film basically can be broken down into “get task, complete task, fight boss, get new power, get new task” and so forth until, thankfully, she runs out of body parts to be absorbing.
The special effects in this film are fucking dogshit. The vampire effects would be embarrassing for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the gore effects are shit- with some of the crushed heads in the final montage being blatantly plastic. Fucking hell, this is CLEARLY a film with a decent budget, there is honestly, other than gross incompetence, no reason at all for this fucking level of ineptness.
In the litany of shiteness that Bloodrayne consists of, however, there are two things that I’m going to talk about that Boll is completely incapable of: shooting action, and shooting sex. Bloodrayne sports a fucking painful amount of woeful battle scenes where everyone seems to be moving as if in treacle, and furthermore, Boll randomly speeds up and slows down the fighting leaving a confusing, tedious and just Crabollshuseless mess. Oh, to his credit, he does at least put the camera back a bit. Secondly, the sex scene in this film is fucking embarrassing. It’s completely gratuitous to begin with: Rayne comes out of her cell, jumps on Sebastian, backs him to the wall, yanks his pants down, rips his shirt open, yanks her pants down and humps away gripping on to the bars. About as erotic as slamming your own gonads in the fucking phone book. However, the real sin of this is that for some fucking reason the silly cunt didn’t move the sex scene about a foot to the left, and Lokken is clinging on to THE OPEN CELL DOOR for dear life while it slams back and forth. She doesn’t look so much like she’s lost in the throws of passion as she does that she’s gripping on because falling on her ass on that floor would be both painful and embarrassing. Not to mention that the stupid cunt, once again, positioned a FUCKING TABLE in the way. How the fuck does he manage this? Honestly, it’s fucking agonising.
Overall this is abject fucking shit. It’s borderline unwatchable and genuinely in the top 10 worst films I’ve seen this year. It’s unforgivably inept, mind-numbingly boring, a complete waste of time for all concerned and actively offensive. Therefore, I’ve got no option but to dish that cunt Boll his fucking second Orangutan of Doom.
If there’s one thing to take away from me watching this piss-poor excuse for a film this is it: you now don’t have to. That’s right, I’ve seen it for you, and can answer all questions and maybe assuage any misguided curiousity towards what is truly a diabolical film.
Fuck you Boll, you useless, talentless cunt- and no, I’m not going to fight you.
There are still two Bloodraynes and countless other Boll films to go, so I’m sure he can add some more to his record.
Until next time,