Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne

Fuck this film. I actually want to beat the shit out of it using a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and drag the corpse behind a car doing 50 miles an hour along a gravel road.  Then I want to take the ripped up and bloody remains, stomp them for a while, before incinerating them in a furnace. Once finished, I want to take the furnace, place it in a spaceship and fire it into the fucking sun. Words actually fail to describe how fucking shit, boring, inept and aggravating this film is, so I’m going to have to invent some. From this moment onwards Bloodrayne shall be forever be rated as “Crabollshuseless”. Fuck me! Who the fuck keeps giving Dr. Uwe Boll money, and how the fuck does he keep getting good actors to waste in completely the wrong roles in films that defy description?

Before I start- this is what Boll is saying to fans of the game, fans of film, fans of violence, fans of vampires and the human race with this film:

Fuck you too, Uwe. Cunt.

I have no knowledge at all of the game Bloodrayne, and now I don’t care. The film has put me off it by being fucking woeful shite. Apparently, it’s about some half-vampire chick called Rayne (another word for a half vampire is, apparently, a Dampir). She hooks up with a group of losers led by Madsen, and some other cunt with an inexplicable mullet that looks deeply bored to be there. She’s looking for bits of a dead vampire to absorb so she can go and kill head vampire, The Kurgan (only joking, because that would be awesome, and NOTHING about this film is awesome). Everyone apart from Rayne dies, there’s a montage, I check my bank balance to see if I have enough to order a hit on Dr. Boll. Sadly, I don’t, being about, er, almost all of it short, however I will leave a paypal ID at the bottom of this review so if anyone has been unfortunate enough to sit through this shit, they too can contribute to removing him from the planet.

He might as well have cast one of the hookers from Meatloaf's scene in this role

Right. Well. Where to begin? The acting in this is fucking atrocious. Kristanna Lokken plays Rayne, and while very fetching (not to mention willing to get her tits out), is somnambulent. Vladimir is played by Michael Madsen. Well, I say “played” whereas what I actually mean is “Madsen was present on set reading out some lines from what is erroneously called a fucking script,  in a completely disinterested way.”  Matt Davies sports a mullet as Sebastien, Ben Kingsley beat his personal record for worst ever performance set previously in Prince Of Persia as Kagan. Incidentally, he’s sporting an utterly ludicrous gray wig that even the Hairpiece himself would ignore for being too stupid. Other cast members include Meatloaf doing fuck knows what, Udo Keir slumming it, and a bevy of Romanian hookers. I’m not actually joking about that, sadly: Boll is such a cunt that he decided it was cheaper to hire some fucking skag whores from the streets of Bucharest than extras. I suspect “cheaper” had nothing to do with it and actually he just hired them to fuck him in order, then realised he had time left on the meter so thought “fuck it, I’ll stick them in this utterly gratuitous tits scene”. Oh, and Michelle Rodrigues is doing something or other for no good reason. Ditto Billy Zane. What a fucking waste of a cast.

So, Michael, how did he get you?

Secondly, this film is structured like a video game. This is not a good thing. There are “levels”: Rayne goes and retrieves the eye-of-couldn’t-care-less from the fat monk temple, which she then absorbs. It then gives her extra powers to enable her to get to previously inaccessible bits of the level cross water. The whole fucking film is like this, which is why it’s such a fucking failure- Narrative and Gameplay are two separate facets of the modern video game. They exist together, and in a film this SHOULD NOT FUCKING HAPPEN as there is no need for gameplay. It’s excruciatingly boring as the film basically can be broken down into “get task, complete task, fight boss, get new power, get new task” and so forth until, thankfully, she runs out of body parts to be absorbing.

I'm not sure this counts as a boob cover. I've just replaced Lokken's tit with a far bigger German cunt

The special effects in this film are fucking dogshit. The vampire effects would be embarrassing for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the gore effects are shit- with some of the crushed heads in the final montage being blatantly plastic. Fucking hell, this is CLEARLY a film with a decent  budget, there is honestly, other than gross incompetence, no reason at all for this fucking level of ineptness.

Look at that fucking thing on his head

In the litany of shiteness that Bloodrayne consists of, however, there are two things that I’m going to talk about that Boll is completely incapable of: shooting action, and shooting sex. Bloodrayne sports a fucking painful amount of woeful battle scenes where everyone seems to be moving as if in treacle, and furthermore, Boll randomly speeds up and slows down the fighting leaving a confusing, tedious and just Crabollshuseless mess. Oh, to his credit, he does at least put the camera back a bit. Secondly, the sex scene in this film is fucking embarrassing. It’s completely gratuitous to begin with: Rayne comes out of her cell, jumps on Sebastian, backs him to the wall, yanks his pants down, rips his shirt open, yanks her pants down and humps away gripping on to the bars. About as erotic as slamming your own gonads in the fucking phone book. However, the real sin of this is that for some fucking reason the silly cunt didn’t move the sex scene about a foot to the left, and Lokken is clinging on to THE OPEN CELL DOOR for dear life while it slams back and forth. She doesn’t look so much like she’s lost in the throws of passion as she does that she’s gripping on because falling on her ass on that floor would be both painful and embarrassing. Not to mention that the stupid cunt, once again, positioned a FUCKING TABLE in the way. How the fuck does he manage this? Honestly, it’s fucking agonising.

Can't think of anything funny to say about this one.

Overall this is abject fucking shit. It’s borderline unwatchable and genuinely in the top 10 worst films I’ve seen this year. It’s unforgivably inept, mind-numbingly boring, a complete waste of time for all concerned and actively offensive. Therefore, I’ve got no option but to dish that cunt Boll his fucking second Orangutan of Doom.

If there’s one thing to take away from me watching this piss-poor excuse for a film this is it: you now don’t have to. That’s right, I’ve seen it for you, and can answer all questions and maybe assuage any misguided curiousity towards what is truly a diabolical film.

Fuck you Boll, you useless, talentless cunt- and no, I’m not going to fight you.

Cunt.

There are still two Bloodraynes and countless other Boll films to go, so I’m sure he can add some more to his record.

Until next time,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

29 responses to “Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne”

  1. Xiphos0311 says :

    So it’s safe to say you didn’t like this movie?

  2. Xiphos0311 says :

    Doesn’t most of Boll’s financing come from Kraut tax dodgers?

    • Jarv says :

      Not any more. They closed the loophole. Thank the Lord.

      Aggravatingly, they tend to make money: Bloodrayne was number 3 in France for a while.

  3. Xiphos0311 says :

    By the by you’re being a bit harsh on Romanian hookers. The ones I saw loitering around weren’t all that skag like.

  4. Continentalop says :

    Between this and the monkey’s, some funny shit.

    Painful for you guys, but funny.

  5. Continentalop says :

    And to go all nerd, Uwe Boll got one thing right, dhampir is a half-vampire.

  6. Frank Marmoset says :

    Now it’s my turn to say you’ve been too harsh, Jarv.

    I thoroughly enjoyed BloodRayne. Yes, it’s complete crap, but I was entertained by the crapness of it. Michael Madsen, in particularly, was hilarious. I don’t think I’ve ever seen another actor make so little effort to hide how much he hates the film he’s in.

    So if I do see you trying to beat this film with a baseball bat, I will grab a bat of my own and defend its dubious honour. We can have a baseball bat duel or something.

    • Jarv says :

      Ah, so not contributing to the “kill Dr. Boll” fund then?

      Sorry Frank, I was monumentally bored, the action looked like shit, Madsen just kept saying the same thing over and over again, the sex scene was embarrassing for all concerned, Lokken looked like she’d rather be doing her tax return than being in it, and Kingsley was unforgivably bad. Don’t get me started on whatever the hell Meatloaf was playing at or the final montage- which didn’t make sense. Also, I think they nicked something from the American Ninja films.

      Worst of the lot though, was how Rodriguez checked out- they fight UNDERWATER (ah-ha, that magic eye thingummy was useful after all, although I’m yet to understand why a magic eye enables Dhampir’s to cope with water, other than that it’s a video game requirement) where you can’t see fuck all Rayne gets stabbed. Michelle swims to the surface, Rayne jumps on her snaps her neck and then unconvincingly chomps her. It was TERRIBLE.

      I will give it that it’s less hateful than Alone in the Dark & Bloodrayne 2. Have you seen Bloodrayne v Nazis?

      Next Boll movement is In the Name of the King- which I actually laughed all the way through when I saw it, but I’m not convinced it will be remotely amusing on second watch.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Have you seen Bloodrayne v Nazis?

        No, I’m not sure if it’s out yet. Saw the first one, which I enjoyed for all the reasons you hated it, and the second one, which bored the crap out of me.

      • Jarv says :

        2010 apparently. I’m weirdly holding out some hope for it on the basis that there’s a character called Dr. Mangler

      • Jarv says :

        Although I’ve seen it listed as official DVD release on May 2nd.

  7. Spud McSpud says :

    The only Uwe Boll movie I’ve seen is POSTAL which spoilt my hatred for Boll somewhat by actually being tolerable in parts. Sneaky fucker.

    I loves me some Loken, but I will avoid this like the plague. Cheers, Jarv.

    • Jarv says :

      I’ve seen AITD (Awful), This (AWFUL) and In the Name of the King (Hilarious- Flaming Orc Catapults).

      Don’t go anywhere near this, Spud.

  8. Droid says :

    Sounds like a great flick, Jarv! Just about as good as Bloodrayne 2, which we tried to watch a while back.

    I would LOVE Uwe to show up and challenge you to a fight. That would make my day.

    • Jarv says :

      Fuck him. I nominate Xi as my ringer.

      It’s shite, honestly, and what makes me sad is that I have to now have another attempt at Bloodrayne 2.

      So shite, and I was so pissed off that I pushed the level headed review back to the weekend. I haven’t been as actively annoyed by a film as this in ages.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      Does it ever bother you, Jarv, than those two hours of your life could have been spent watching some gem such as NINJA III: THE DOMINATION or the like??

      I mean Uwe Boll’s BLOODRAYNE – you just know there’s no redeeming features in there from the get-go…

      • Jarv says :

        I want to see Enter the Ninja and Revenge of the Ninja before I post that review. I’ve already written it, and think it could do an awesome Trilogy type thing.

        The Domination is hilarious.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Hmm…I really need to see this Ninja 3 flick. Is it more absurdly hilarious than Revenge of the Ninja, which I found quite amusing?

        I’ve seen perhaps five minutes of this, as it didn’t hold my interest I did not continue to watch it.

        In the Name of the King really sucks. No enjoyment whatsoever from it, not even a snicker from the catapult orcs Jarv loves.

  9. Frank Marmoset says :

    You’re right, Jarv. Amazon says May 2nd for the DVD release of BloodRayne 3: The Blood Reich. And for some strange reason I’m looking forward to it. Not sure what that’s about.

    They also have The Ward on DVD on May 16th. I was looking forward to seeing that one at the cinema (even if it does end up being crap), but I don’t remember it actually being shown in any cinemas around here.

    • Droid says :

      The Ward got a cinema release in London. I found it at ONE fucking cinema for ONE fucking week. Which of course wasn’t Cineworld, so I would’ve had to have paid for it, so I didn’t go.

      In other news, Sucker Punch has pretty much been run out of cinemas after one week. After this friday it goes to about one evening screening per day. Eat a dick, Snyder.

    • Jarv says :

      Very probably wasn’t in that case

  10. ThereWolf says :

    I bought Bloodrayne awhile ago. It was only a couple of quid on Amazon, I’d heard it was shit & thought ‘how bad can it be…?’ Hoooo, boy.

    I found it more funny than insulting. Can’t see me ever watching it again though, so a waste of shelf space and £2 really.

    The sex scene is horrendous & pointless.

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