Monkey Goes To Hell by Frank Marmoset

Monkey Goes To Hell BannerSome of you may remember I was recently murdered by fictional serial killer Jason Voorhees. As a result of this, my soul has been cast into the fiery pit of Hell. It’s not clear what I did to deserve eternal damnation – is masturbating to Avril Lavigne videos a sin? – and I’m pretty bummed about the situation. Luckily, I just met a friendly chap with nails in his face who says he can help me out. According to him, all I have to do to escape Perdition is journey through each of Hell’s nine circles, earning passage from one circle to the next by watching a gruelling series of demonic films, each more horrifying than the last.

Pffft. Doesn’t this guy know I’ve seen every film Jennifer Aniston has ever made? Compared to that, this should be a cakewalk.

Circle I – Hellraiser (1987)

The first trial on my journey is Clive Barker’s Hellraiser, which turns out to be not much of a trial at all. It’s actually a pretty good film. Flawed, but good.

The story revolves around a mysterious puzzle box (the Lament Configuration) that grants its user access to a hellish netherworld of sex, sadomasochism, and flesh-tearing fish hooks. One man, Frank Cotton, escapes from this Disneyland for the bondage crowd into his brother‘s attic; but pretty soon Frank’s buddies from Hell – the demonic Cenobites – want him back, presumably because they’re planning an awesome barbed wire orgy and they don’t want him to miss out.

Hellraiser 1Writer/director Clive Barker is an accomplished painter as well as a novelist, so it’s no surprise that Hellraiser’s greatest strength is its imagery. Whether it’s the grisly sight of Frank walking around skinless, diabolical visions of clanking chains and chunks of flesh, or the slaughterhouse-meets-S&M chic of the Cenobites, it’s clear Barker has a knack for creating horrific images that stay with you long after the film is over. The Cenobites, in particular, are brilliantly nightmarish inventions.

The film has its share of flaws, most notably some inexcusable post-production effects. Barker claims to have done them himself over a single drunken weekend, which explains their shoddiness, but they‘re an unfortunate blight on what is an otherwise very good film. There was also a belated attempt to Americanise the film, achieved by dubbing American accents onto British actors, which is a little awkward and distracting.

But given the film’s many strengths, particularly its originality and striking imagery, a few superficial flaws are easy enough to overlook. Hellraiser’s mix of gore, demons, fish hooks, murder and sex is still effective and its status as a classic horror is well deserved.

Hellraiser 1 Score

Important note: The character who became the figurehead for this series is the lead Cenobite, named (unofficially at first, officially later) Pinhead. This, I think, is the worst name for a monster in the entire horror genre. It’s like calling Jason Voorhees ‘Masky’ or Freddy Krueger ‘Burnyfaceknifefingers’. Therefore, for the rest of this review, I’ll be calling him Gary, because even Gary is a more menacing name than Pinhead.

Circle II – Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

Oh, you devious bastards. I see what you’ve done here: set me up with an easy first film, lull me into thinking Hell isn’t so bad, then POW! you hit me with Hellraiser II, a film so nonsensical it’s like it was made by bears with a rudimentary understanding of camera equipment.

Well played, sirs. Well played.

Hellraiser 2To be fair to Hellraiser II, it’s a film hamstrung by its limited budget. The idea was to expand the Hellraiser mythology by taking characters from part I on a dark adventure through the underworld. Unfortunately, the film’s bargain basement Hell looks like it was shot in a particularly drab sewer. Hell has often been depicted as a place beneath the ground, but I had always assumed it was a little deeper than where poop goes and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live.

Problem two is the story, which resists comprehensibility like Lindsay Lohan resists sobriety. The characters are poorly defined, it’s never completely clear what everyone is doing or why they‘re doing it, and many scenes make almost no sense whatsoever. Even the eventual reveal of Hell’s overlord – a giant rotating grey diamond that shoots out black smudges of what can only be described as ‘something’ – is utterly baffling.

The final nail in Hellbound’s coffin is its villain, a newly created Cenobite, who shrugs off the gravitas and otherworldly menace that made the Cenobites so memorable in part I and instead wanders about reciting a string of cheesy one-liners that would make Freddy Krueger cringe. He is then defeated by accidental self-decapitation, which in my opinion is even more humiliating than being killed by Corey Feldman.

Watching Hellbound: Hellraiser II is a bit like having someone put an egg whisk in your brain and swirl it around. Not a bad way to torture an idiot trying to escape from Hell, but not much fun if you wanted to see an entertaining film that makes some sort of sense.

Hellraiser 2 Score

Circle III – Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992)

In Hellraiser III, our friend Gary the Cenobite is trapped in a statue. What’s that you say? Why is he trapped in a statue? Come on, man, didn’t you read my review of Hellraiser II? The Hellraiser sequels laugh in the face of coherence. They mock common sense. They point at reason and make humiliating farty sounds with their armpits. All you need to know is Gary plans to escape from his inexplicable confinement and only a pretty journalist can stop him before he unleashes Hell on Earth.

Hellraiser 3Part III is not a completely muddled mess like part II, so let‘s give it a point for that. But, hey, how about we take that point right back for introducing a new group of Cenobites who, instead of being menacing and nightmarish, are based on goofy visual gimmicks, like one has a video camera embedded in his eye and another kills people by… I feel dirty just saying this… throwing CDs at people.

So while Hellraiser III feels like it was made by actual humans instead of cinematically curious bears, they’re not very clever or talented humans and they ruined the only good thing this series had going for it – the Cenobites – by turning them into silly jokes. Maybe I should not have been so harsh with the bears who made part II. They did pretty well considering their lack of opposable thumbs and constant need to shit in the woods.

Hellraiser 3 Score

Circle IV – Hellraiser IV: Bloodline (1996)

Here’s an idea for a film I’d rather be watching right now: Bellraiser. In this film, when you solve a magical puzzle box Kristen Bell appears and is adorable. There’s no story or anything, she just stands there being adorable, that‘s it. Unfortunately, Gary says I have to watch more of this Hellraiser nonsense. I’m starting to think he’s kind of a dick.

Hellraiser 4Sorry about this, but I can’t tell you what Hellraiser IV is about. It has something to do with the genesis of the Lament Configuration, an incomprehensible plan which sees Gary teaming up with a pleasantly breasted female demon, an evil Cenobite dog that looks like it was chewed up and spat out by a much larger evil Cenobite dog, three generations of guys in three different centuries, two French dandies, a space station, and a partridge in a pear tree for all I know. An evil partridge in a demonic pear tree.

It’s possible the chaos of Hell has discombobulated me, compromising my ability to properly understand stories . Alternatively, it could be that Hellraiser IV is to coherent storytelling what a troop of howler monkeys are to polite dinner conversation.

Suffice to say, just when I thought the Hellraiser series couldn’t get any more balls, they found a way to make it even more balls. Luckily, Peter Atkins – the man who wrote Hellraisers II, III and IV – left the series after this instalment, presumably content with his achievement of taking Clive Barker‘s original idea and sinking it in a lake of unintelligible claptrap. So without Atkins’s input, the series should improve, right? RIGHT?

Hellraiser 4 Score

Circle V – Hellraiser: Inferno (2000)

Wrong!

With Hellraiser: Inferno the series shifts its emphasis away from Gary and the Hellraiser mythology and toward dreary psychological thrillers containing just (barely) enough Hellraiser elements to justify the use of a marketable brand name in the title, thus giving the finger to all the poor suckers who actually like these films. Kind of a dick move if you ask me.

Hellraiser 5The film follows a guy, played by Craig Sheffer, who staggers around hallucinating for ninety minutes before realising at the end he’s been dead and in Hell all along. Sorry, that’s a spoiler. See, I can be a dick, too.

Taken on its own terms, Inferno is a forgettable DTV thriller. Considered as a Hellraiser sequel it’s… well, it’s not possible to consider it as a Hellraiser sequel since it barely is one. If you made a rom-com where Jason Voorhees turned up at the very end and said, “And they all lived happily ever after,” it would not make it a Friday The 13th film, and this is not a Hellraiser film.

The story makes sense, though. So one bonus point for that.

Hellraiser 5 Score

Circle VI – Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)

Hey, you know that song ‘Hell Ain’t A Bad Place To Be’ by AC/DC? Well, It’s a total lie. AC/DC were not being truthful in that song at all. Hell is a very bad place to be, especially when the entertainment is Hellraiser: Hellseeker.

Hellraiser 6If you were making a case to defend the previous sequel, you could say it at least tried something different. If there’s a lesson in there, it’s that it’s possible to bring fresh ideas into a stale franchise. But the lesson Hellraiser VI learned was, “Hey, let’s just copy Hellraiser V” which results in possibly the single laziest horror sequel I’ve ever seen.

The film follows a guy, played by Dean Winters, who staggers around hallucinating for ninety minutes before realising at the end he’s been dead and in Hell all along. Sorry, that’s a spoiler again. See, if they’re just going to copy the previous film, I’m just going to copy my previous review.

Ashley Laurence returns as Kirsty, the central character from parts I and II, but she’s absent from ninety percent of the film and her connection to previous events is barely mentioned until a desultory twist at the end. Kirsty’s presence seems like a bone thrown to long term fans of the series, but chances are anyone who likes her character will find the turn she takes at the film’s climax cheap and insulting.

Oh, and nobody seeks Hell in this film. Even the title is lazy and stupid.

Hellraiser 6 Score

Circle VII – Hellraiser: Deader (2005)

In this seventh Hellraiser film, B-Movie queen Kari Wuhrer plays a journalist investigating a cult of death-obsessed loonies called Deaders. Wuhrer finds a Lament Configuration, which she stupidly opens, and another boring, nonsensical Hellraiser sequel ensues.

Hellraiser 7Man, balls to this. I should never have agreed to this deal. Watching these lazy, tedious, unintelligible films it’s too high a price to escape Hell. So I’m thinking I’ll just stay here, settle down, buy a three bedroom semi-detached in the seventh circle, marry a nice Succubus, raise some half-demon kids, potter lifelessly around Hellkea at the weekends looking for bedroom furniture and spoons, and long for the sweet release of a death that will never come because I’m already dead. Anything to avoid another Hellraiser sequel.

Please note, sorry, Scarlett Johansson is not in this film. I just put that picture in to cheer the review up a bit. It’s getting a little bleak down here.

Hellraiser 7 Score

Circle VIII – Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)

Again, just from a legal standpoint, I should let you know Scarlett Johansson is not in this film. She is in Eight Legged Freaks, though. It’s pretty good, you should probably check that out.

Hellraiser 8Well, we’ve officially reached the point where I’d rather have these films crammed sideways into my anus than projected into my eyeballs, but this is the last of the currently available Hellraiser sequels so how about I just pull my eyelids open with a couple of fish hooks and get this bastard over with?

Story-wise, what we have here is a group of teens obsessed with an online game called Hellworld, which is based on the Hellraiser mythology. The teens attend a Hellworld-themed party thrown by Lance ‘Will Work For Bus Fare’ Henriksen where they’re killed off one by one by our old friend Gary.

Clive Barker once said the worst thing he could imagine for Gary was to see him become just another common-all-garden slasher wandering around killing teenagers, and in Hellworld Barker’s nightmare has come true. This is a slasher film, pure and simple, and not even a good one. None of the sequels in this series are worth a damn, but Hellworld feels like the final insult, the point at which a once striking and unique creation – he may have a terrible name, but Pinhead is one of the more impressive movie monsters of the last thirty years – is drained of what little credibility he had left.

Hellraiser 8 Score

So that’s it. It’s over. Eight circles, eight films – the Hellraiser challenge is complete. All that remains now is the mysterious ninth and final film, and whatever it is there’s no way it can be as bad as the dreck I’ve already been subjected to. Here comes Gary now, he’s taking the final film out of its DVD case, and… hey, what’s he smirking about?

Oh, shit.

Circle IX – Sex And The City 2 (2010)

It burns, it burns! Please… make it stop… it’s like an enema of pure hate!

SEX AND THE CITY 2 IS TEARING MY SOUL APART!

SATC 2The story sees four of Hell’s foulest demons (possibly the most grotesque Cenobites yet) escape from the underworld and head to Durkadurkastan for a holiday. Once there, they wander around like lobotomised baboons, complain about their obscenely luxurious lives, display all the depth of a teardrop on a hot skillet, and (just for laughs) arrogantly insult the entire Middle East.

This seems on the surface to be a frothy comedy, but since it was designed in the vilest depths of Hell as an instrument of torture the film offers a few twists on the traditional comedy formula. For example, instead of likeable characters, SATC2 has a quartet of self-absorbed harpies who moan constantly and appear to have undergone some sort of ante-mortem embalming procedure. Also, in a depraved reinvention of the form, the film presents a view of female empowerment (mostly revolving around shopping, sex, and sulking until your husband buys you jewellery) that is so aggravating it’s impossible to laugh at any of the jokes. Although, to be fair, that last one is less important since the film is about as funny as ironing your own genitals.

You will never find a more horrifying portrait of moral, spiritual, cultural and artistic bankruptcy than Sex And The City 2. No Hellraiser film has done a better job of capturing the corruption and iniquity of human nature, and watching it is as depressing as a triple feature of Requiem For A Dream, Leaving Las Vegas, and a documentary about puppy murder. It truly belongs down here in Hell.

SATC2 Score

“Okay, Gary. I’ve done it. I’ve passed your tests, even that last one, which was monumentally dickish by the way. Now let me out of this damn place!”

“I’m sorry, Frank. That’s not going to happen.”

“What? But we had a deal!”

“Yes, about our arrangement. I lied. There was never a way out of Hell for you. No man who masturbates to Avril Lavigne videos can ever hope to escape eternal damnation.”

“Shit, man. I knew that was it.”

“It’s not the self-abuse that concerns us, Frank. It’s her music. A cacophonous din that is too evil even for us.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right about that. So what happens next?”

“Next, and for all time, we visit abominable tortures upon your very soul. We have such sights to show you. Starting with… the complete works of Kate Hudson!”

Monkey Goes To Hell Final Image

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About Judge Droid

In between refining my procrastination skills I talk a lot of shit about movies and such.

280 responses to “Monkey Goes To Hell by Frank Marmoset”

  1. Jarv says :

    Christ that was funny.

    Still think you’re being harsh on 2 but I am scared to revisit it.

    No pictures of Wuhrer in a bikini? That’s how I got over Beastmaster 2.

  2. Jarv says :

    Also, I think gazza does have a name- he’s supposed to be called The Engineer

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      I think he was called The Engineer in the book, but the films refer to to him as Lead Cenobite up until part IV when they added the ‘And Doug Bradley As Pinhead’ credit to the opening titles.

      I like Gary better. He’ll always be Gary to me now.

      • Jarv says :

        The Engineer doesn’t make sense as a name, though. So perhaps he should be “The Colonel” Or “Colonel Gary”.

        The big mistake is 4- when he becomes a cut-price Bond Villain waffling on about “The sanctity of suffering” and all that shit. Awful film.

        However, there’s no way that 2 is on a par with 5- it’s WAY better, as is three. I demand that 2 and 3 get another puzzle box each to raise them above that poop.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        All the sequels are poop, Jarv. It’s just one giant, murky, unintelligible soup of poop. So I’m standing by the scores I gave each film.

        Hellraiser II is better than Sex & The City 2, though. That’s something.

  3. Haw! E Lordo motherfuvking bronco! says :

    I think twitter needs a bullocks punch in!.

    I think perhaps you did a good thing.

    🙂

    Marmoset-believe me-there are single women.

    They are tactically arrayed across Planet Earth…

    Wily, yes…

    Scratchy? In the *Extreme.*

    Taming women is my Job Mr. marmoset.

    -your friend,

    Mr goddamned Lord Mother fucking Bronco.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      It has been my experience that women, much like tigers, can never truly be tamed. You may think you’ve got them domesticated and pliant, but they’re really just waiting patiently for an opportunity to bite your face off.

      But I wish you the best with your efforts. God speed to you, sir.

  4. Frank Marmoset says :

    So, so, so glad to be done with this series. Worst one yet.

    Big thanks to Droid for putting this together, it looks great.

  5. Frank Marmoset says :

    And just in case anyone asks:

    Yes, I really did watch Sex And The City 2. All two and a half miserable god damn hours of it. Such is my commitment to putting a goofy joke at the end of a review.

  6. Barfy says :

    Franklin, I’m becoming very concerned about you. 40 hours of Cage movies and now you’ve endured hell all for our pleasure. Monkey Goes To Hell is one of your best. Brought back all the repressed memories of gooey, mucus-y demons. Great write up Frank.

  7. Droid says :

    Actually got the chance to sit and read this. Since I’ve never seen any Hellraiser film (or SATC2 for that matter) I can’t really agree or disagree. So I’ll commend you on making it through what appears to be an absolutely dire series. Seriously, the first one aside, you watched EIGHT movies with an average of .5 out of 10 per movie! If that’s not hell then I don’t know what is! Excellent work. Frankie.

    The greatest thing to come out of all this is, we can expect…

    100% HUDSON!!!

    • Jarv says :

      Yes, Although I think he’s been a bit harsh.

      If I’d taken this on, then 2 and 3 would have got way higher. There’s no real defending 5-8. And 4 is poo but has some nice boob.

      I’d never have thought of adding SATC.

      He can make amends by Orangutan of Dooming that piece of shit How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      Just so we’re clear on this – and it’s important I nip this idea in the bud right now – there is no way on God’s green and verdant Earth I’m doing 100% Hudson.

      No way, not a chance. I would watch the entire Hellraiser series again before I did that.

      • Droid says :

        So what your saying is that this entire review was LIES!!! ALL LIES!!!

      • Jarv says :

        Dunno, man, this has the ring of truth to it:

        a quartet of self-absorbed harpies who moan constantly and appear to have undergone some sort of ante-mortem embalming procedure

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        So what your saying is that this entire review was LIES!!! ALL LIES!!!

        I prefer to think of it as JOKES!!! MOSTLY JOKES!!! 😉

  8. Jarv says :

    Now- on to the discussion I’ve been waiting for. I think you’ve been really harsh on Hellraiser 2, as my biggest criticism of it is the weak-ass ending (although I do like the “it isn’t hands that call us but desire”) with Pinhead/ Gary being human again.

    The second biggest criticism is that it’s basically a lazy retread of a lot of the first film- except with Julia back instead of evil Brother in Law.

    Against that, though, is that a lot of the scenes with Julia and the Doctor are disgustingly icky (Bandages leaping to mind) and I know you don’t like Leviathan, but I really thought he was hilarious. All-in-all, I like this film, although your very harsh words about pooping bears and whatnot have made me scared to revisit it.

    Also, I like Julia as a villain, and I kind of like a lot of the rooms in Hell- the one with Frank in it, for example- although I do take your point that Hell looks like it was filmed in an abandoned building’s crawlspace.

    I do accept though, that I may be overrating it because of 4 onwards.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      Honestly, I hated Hellraiser II. It’s boring, I was never a huge fan of the Julia character, it’s a crappy version of Hell, Leviathan is laughably cheap and stupid, and the less said about the Channard Cenobite the better. And you’re right, the ending is shit.

      Full credit to the first film, I really like that one, and there was scope for a better sequel if they’d had the money to pull it off, but the rest of the series is not for me at all.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Also, why the fuck is it called Leviathan anyway? Leviathan is a sea creature, not a giant rotating diamond thingy!

        God damn, these films are annoying on so many levels.

      • Jarv says :

        Actually, Frank- that’s a rare piece of accuracy in it:

        In Demonology, Leviathan is one of the seven princes of Hell and its gatekeeper

        From Wikipedia. It has been taken now for every large sea monster.

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_princes_of_Hell

      • Jarv says :

        I think it depends on how much you like Julia- I really liked her as a bad girl, and as a result really enjoyed the first half of it. I then sleazily enjoyed the second half. I wouldn’t put it in the same league as 5, although almost everything you say about how cheap it looks and how crap Leviathan is are true.

        I like what the Abyss looked like when they were over the pit- with the Spike thingy in the sky, but the rest of it is astonishingly cheap.

  9. Jarv says :

    The guy that made Hellraiser 3 went on to make Knife Edge which is a diabolically awful British psycho thriller that is neither psycho, nor thrilling and despite mucho bathing scenes shows nary a boob.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      Oddly, the person from this series who’s gone on to have (arguably) the most successful career is Scott Derrickson, who directed Hellraiser V.

      He went on to make The Exorcism Of Emily Rose and the remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still. Not great films (especially the remake), but fairly mainstream stuff. Not sure how he managed to get a job making reasonably big studio films off the back of Hellraiser V.

  10. Frank Marmoset says :

    It would be nice if I could say I’m not doing any more of these epic reviews because I’ve learned my lesson. But, come on, it’s me; I never learn my lesson and I can’t help doing stupid shit.

    So this is where I ask for any suggestions of other series I can do in a few weeks after I’ve recovered from the psychological trauma of reviewing this one. Any and all ideas will be gratefully recieved.

    • Jarv says :
      1. Poison Ivy.
      2. Wild Things.
      3. Death Wish.
      4. Robocop (including TV Movies- up to about 7)
      5. Alien+Predator+AvP
      6. Police Academy
      7. Final Destination
      • Jarv says :

        None of those are really silly enough though.

        1. Toxic Avenger
        2. Superman
        3. Batman
        4. Trancers
      • Frank Marmoset says :

        I tried to do the Poison Ivy series last year and had to give up because there’s not much of interest to say about them, other than rattling on about boob, which would get boring after a while. Same with Wild Things.

        But my hat is off to you for the Robocop suggestion. That one has gone straight to the top of the list. Excellent idea.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a similar problem to Hellraiser Frank- Excellent first one, shite second, dismal third, load of DTV/ TV movies.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        I’ve seen all the Robocop stuff, and while I agree it goes downhill badly after the first one I at least know I can sit through them without wanting to poke my own eyes out.

        Plus, there is a giant-ish robot in it. Tom would love that!

      • koutchboom says :

        Including the made for TV Movies/TV Series whatever that was.

      • Droid says :

        I watched Robocop again a few weeks ago. It’s AWESOME.

  11. Droid says :

    Suggestions…

    Shaft
    Puppet Master
    Air Bud (hehe)
    American Pie (7 movies!?)
    Police Academy
    Living Dead
    Police Story
    Death Wish (and you could add in The Brave One and The Bacon One to extend it to seven)
    The Fast and the Furious (when the 5th one comes out!)
    Kickboxer
    Silent Night, Deadly Night
    Universal Soldier

    • Jarv says :

      There are SEVEN American Pie Movies?

      I’m disgusted that I think I’ve seen 5 or 6 of them. Not sure as they blur into one. The DTV ones are about Stifler’s relatives. Usually brother.

      • Droid says :

        There’s like 11 Shaft movies. I vote for that.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck, man, that will be hideous.

        Death Wish is a great idea, even if they are all basically the same.

        Here’s a fucking challenge: Coffin Joe- astonishingly has 11 films in it.

      • Jarv says :

        OK- 12 films: L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies (I’ve never even heard of this and have just decided that I have to see a few of them)

        13 films- Witchcraft

        but these are THE DADDY challenges, even dumber than Pillow’s trek up the sides of mount almodovar:

          Maneater Series- a whopping 18 films and opens with Blood Monkey. I’ve seen lots of them, and they blow.

          Zatoichi clocks in at 27 films

          Godzilla and Django both come in around the 30 mark

          Carry on comes in at 31,

          and something called Wong Fei Hung comes in at 88 films. 88!

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        There are way more Wong Fei Hung films than that. Almost 200, I think. They’ve been making Wong Fei Hung films for almost as long as they’ve had cinema in China.

      • Jarv says :

        Came from Wikipedia, so I don’t know how reliable it is. Someone should really do all the Bond films. Droid, actually, as he hasn’t seen most of them. I think.

      • Droid says :

        I could MEGAreview the Bond movies. Break them up into sections. Either Decade or star. I’ll consider that.

        I’m also looking at doing that for Clint, as I think taking on a 50+ movie review series is a bit much right now.

      • Jarv says :

        There’s 20 Odd-Bond movies. If you break them up by actor, though, you’ve got Lazenby by itself before you go back to Connery.

        It might be better to break them up by period- which is how I’d do it:

          Connery– Dr. No, From Russia With Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball. (All good)

          Lazenby/ Connery– OHMSS, Diamonds, Never say Never Again (slightly out of place, only OHMSS is any good, but Lazenby is awful)

          Early Moore– Live and Let Die, Man with the Golden Gun, Spy Who Loved Me (2 good films here)

          Late Moore– Moonraker, For Your Eyes Only, Octopussy and A View to a Kill (all crap, but I’ve got a soft spot for View to a kill & For your eyes only)

          Dalton– Living Daylights, Live and Let Die (both crap, but dalton is a good bond)

          Brosnan– Goldeneye, Tomorrow Never Dies, World is Not Enough, Die Another Day (all crap bar Goldeneye, DAD is particularly hateful)

          Craig– Casino Royale+ Quantum.

      • Jarv says :

        That pans out as 7 reviews.

      • Droid says :

        Sounds like a possibility. I’ve only ever seen (from start to finish) Dr No and then the Brosnan films onwards. I reckon I’ve seen bits and pieces of nearly all Bond movies though. They were pretty much played on tv every single saturday night for about 10 years growing up.

      • Jarv says :

        The problem is the amount of actively bad films there are:

        NSNA is basically reheated Thunderball, Diamonds is lousy (despite having a script by Roald Dahl), LALD is racist and extremely dodgy, MWGG- I like but it’s the start of the series going off the rails, has a good midget though. Octopussy is shit. Moonraker might be the single worst film in the series. Both Dalton bonds are shit, 3 of the Brosnan films are shit, with DAD being a contender for worst of the series along with Moonraker. I’ve not seen QoS, but I’m told that’s also dreadful.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      Puppet Master has been a contender for awhile, but I have to admit I’m shit scared of that one. Those are bound to be boring as hell.

      I really like the Fast/Furious idea. When’s the fifth one out? It would be cool to review all five of those.

  12. Jarv says :

    As a serious suggestion, Frank- the ones with the old samurai pushing the Baby Cart around. Fucking hilarious and there are loads of them

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      the ones with the old samurai pushing the Baby Cart around

      I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      It’s okay, I Googled it. Lone Wolf & Cub.

      I’m vetoing that one. Japanese!!!

      • Jarv says :

        But they’re AWESOME frank. You may need some awesome after what you’ve been through.

        THere’s another series with a ninja girl wondering around who kills people with her cursed vag (it isn’t porn) that’s hilarious as well.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        I’ve seen Shogun Assassin, which I think is a dubbed version of one of the Lone Wolf films. It’s okay, not something I would watch more of.

        I don’t know what it is, me and the Japanese just don’t get along. Their films, I mean. I’m sure the people there are lovely.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s strange. I’d have thought lots of lovely chop-sockery would be right up your alley.

  13. just pillow talk says :

    Heh…brilliantly funny Frankie.

    I applaud your crazy committment to finishing the series.
    For whatever reason, naming him “Gary” had me spitting up my coffee.

    I’ve only seen the first Hellraiser, and I praise 2for2true that’s all I’ve seen….

  14. DocPazuzu says :

    That was funny as fuck, Frank, but I’m with Jarv on this — you’re WAY too harsh on Hellraiser 2, which is entertainingly over the top. Seriously, how can you rate some of the upper five in the series higher than Hellraiser 2? That’s just currrrrrrAYzy talk, man!

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      Thanks, Doc.

      Only two films scored higher than Hellraiser II. The original, which I think is deserved, and Hellraiser III, which was mostly because the two lead actresses (Terry Farrell and Paula Marshall) are foxy and I’m easily distracted by foxyness.

      • Jarv says :

        And they get naked don’t they?

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        No, they keep their clothes on unfortunately. Still nice enough to look at that they distracted me from the crappy film a bit.

        I think some blonde gets them out in a sex scene with that guy who looks like a muscular Steven Tyler.

      • Jarv says :

        I think some blonde gets them out in a sex scene with that guy who looks like a muscular Steven Tyler.

        As I like to think of him: The Idiot. Although I do seem to remember him shagging that bird with a smoke hanging out the corner of his mouth. Which is fairly awesomely reprehensible behaviour.

        Also, I don’t know why anyone listens to Pinhead in that film- seriously, would you listen to an ugly man that’s just eaten your conquest and is trapped in a statue? I can’t say I would.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        True, he is kind of an idiot.

        Never do a deal with a monster you can defeat by leaving him outside in a skip, that’s what I always say.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        But Frank… the CDbite alone in Hellraiser III is worse than all of Hellraiser 2.

      • Jarv says :

        The other thing, is when the Cenobites are revealed in 2, they are at least (exception being pinhead) interesting ideas, being twin kids and whatnot.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        The CD throwing Cenobite is awful. Also, there’s another Cenobite (played by the writer, Peter Atkins) who has an exploding cocktail shaker. Terrible.

        I get it, man, some people like Hellraiser II. That’s cool. Some people also like to watch girls poop on glass tables. It’s a wide and varied world, different strokes for different folks and all that. But I honestly can’t think of a single thing about that film I enjoyed except that it was somewhat similar visually to the first film. That’s it.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Would you watch Terry Farrell poop on a glass table?

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        I would watch Terry Farrell put her boobs on a glass table. That’s entertainment.

        No pooping, though, that’s just unsanitary.

      • Jarv says :

        Actually, I think this comes down to what we were talking about last time. If you don’t like Julia then Hellraiser 2 doesn’t work.

      • Droid says :

        People who watch girls poop on glass tables shouldn’t throw stones.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        People who get stoned on glass tables shouldn’t throw poop.

      • Droid says :

        People who get stoned on poop shouldn’t throw glass tables.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Are Farrell’s boobs that good though? Has anyone seen them or is it just fevered Trekkie imagination run wild?

      • DocPazuzu says :

        I realize that I’m coming across as a boob snob today, what with Farrell and Meyer, but that’s what porn will do to you.

      • Jarv says :

        Well, if you must live in Sweden.

      • Droid says :

        Poop that lives on glass tables shouldn’t throw stones at people.

      • Droid says :

        Why does Sweden have such notorious reputation for porn? I’ve never actually seen a swedish porno.

      • Jarv says :

        Christ, I have.

        I think it’s a British thing. Because we couldn’t get proper porn for the most part we got it smuggled in from Europe which invariably meant either Germany or Scandinavia, and as everyone knows Scandinavia = Sweden.

        How this went global is beyond me.

        Although DocP is probably the man to answer this one…

      • DocPazuzu says :

        It’s wholly unfounded. Sweden was a bit progressive (read: non-puritanical) about sex during the 60s and therefore got that reputation. The so-called “Swedish Erotica” film series of late 70s early 80s fame was nothing of the kind. It was all American stuff.

        Sweden does have a porn industry but it’s tiny and feeble. The U.S. is by far the biggest porn producer on the planet, probably the solar system.

      • Jarv says :

        Germany, on the other hand- there’s loads of Kraut filth out there.

        So the Swedish Erotica films were yank, in every sense, movies? How depressing.

        What the hell have I seen then? Probably German, and I’m being dim.

        Interestingly, Denmark had a fairly (un)healthy porn industry- specialising in animal porn. There was a documentary on that poor bitch that did the Animal Farm film (it’s not called Animal Farm) and she performed live in clubs in Copenhagen with animals. According to the Doc, Denmark was rife with animal scud movies.

      • koutchboom says :

        Also speaking of Sweeden some fuck from the shitty sweedish flick Storm was pretty good as the IS HE A GOOD OR BAD COP in Clarice Starling the TV Show.

      • Droid says :

        American porn is 99.9% terrible. Nearly every chick is skanky looking.

      • Jarv says :

        I’d imagine that comes with the territory.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Denmark produced far more porn during the 60s-70s than Sweden did.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Aussie porn on the other hand…

      • Jarv says :

        Aussie Porn? I don’t think I’ve encountered such a beast. My lack of Porn knowledge is astounding. I blame being a teenager pre-internet.

      • Droid says :

        Oz doesn’t really have a porn industry, beyond skin mags. The only famous pornstar I can think of is Jodie Moore, who did a bunch of movies for Private in the early 2000’s.

      • Jarv says :

        On the other hand, I do happen to know what the most profitable film franchise in history is.

        And it ain’t Star Wars. Although I do think one of them was in Space.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        American porn ca 1977-1984 is where it’s at. Also the early 80s Italian zombie/cannibal/voodoo/satanist porn. Terrible movies per se, but how can one resist films with titles like “Erotic Nights Of The Living Dead” and “Satan’s Baby Doll”?

      • Jarv says :

        early 80s Italian

        Well, having worked my way through a lot of shameless films, one thing I can state with 100% certainty is that despite me never having seen any of them, I will bet that they all feature a huge amount of GIANT MAN EATING BUSH.

        Also, Doc, you may know this, but I seem to remember an Italian horror/ soft porn about a female vampire wondering round the countryside killing men not by sucking blood but by “extracting their life force with their jism”. I can’t remember for the life of me what it’s called, but it’s hilarious.

      • Droid says :

        Pirates?

        I’ve not really seen German porn either. It’s French or Eastern Euro. At least, those are where the actresses are from.

        I shudder to think how I would ever complete high school if I had access to internet of todays standards.

      • Jarv says :

        Emmanuelle.

        German porn that we saw when I was at school was fucking rancid. Some of the horrid shit in it was beyond unspeakable. Worst I’ve ever seen was Venezuelan porn that this chinese degenerate in our class had on Laserdisc. Fucking horrible, we made him turn it off and then kicked his ass out of the common room.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        What about Sunny Mckay? She was Australian wasn’t she? Private is a Swedish company, by the way, the only really big one.

      • Droid says :

        Don’t recognise the name. I’d have to google it and I sure as hell ain’t doing it at work!

      • Droid says :

        On the other hand, I do happen to know what the most profitable film franchise in history is.

        And it ain’t Star Wars. Although I do think one of them was in Space.

        LEP!!!

      • Jarv says :

        LEP!!!

        Wouldn’t that be awesome.

        Sadly, no. It’s Emmanuelle. I’ve forgotten how many films are in the series now, but it’s worth billions.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        “Fucking horrible, we made him turn it off and then kicked his ass out of the common room.”

        The most middle-class shitkicking this site has ever bore witness to 😀

      • Jarv says :

        I went to posh school.

        Nobody, frankly, wanted to touch the manky bastard so handing out the stomping he was begging for was out of the question

      • Spud McSpud says :

        “Never do a deal with a monster you can defeat by leaving him outside in a skip, that’s what I always say.”

        Thank you, Frank, for the first laugh-out-loud-and-spurt-tea-out-of-my-nose moment of the day. I never figured out why anybody would be so dumb as to listen to a talking art nouveau sculpture either.

        But the skip… what a way to deal with horror’s most erudite supernatural psychopath… ;D

      • Droid says :

        I went to posh school.

        Well that was a waste of your parents money now wasn’t it?

      • Jarv says :

        Yup.

        No doubt about it. Although I did develop a better brand of swearword.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        In all honesty, Jarv, everybody at my posh school was so scuzzy I spent the 3 years I was there trying not to touch (or be touched by) ANYONE, and when I turned 16 I left so fast Doc Brown turned to Marty and said “I just saw some serious shit”.

        There were way too many unbound bodily fluids flying around in public school in the late 80s. Fucking degenerates :/

      • Droid says :

        There were way too many unbound bodily fluids flying around in public school in the late 80s. Fucking degenerates

        You went to an all boys school then?

      • Jarv says :

        Thankfully, Public Schools were mixed (well the one I was at was)- which ended that.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Yeah, there were girls at ours, but they went from 16 to 18, whereas the boys began at 13 and left at 18.

        I left at 16, mainly because it was like Harry Potter if Ray Winstone played Draco Malfoy with a posh accent and spent all him time alternately beating up and beating off on the boys he terrorised.

        GAAAAAHH!!! Flashback **gibbers**

      • Droid says :

        Each of those are bad seperately, but thats a horrendous combination.

  15. DocPazuzu says :

    German porn is universally terrible. A lot of Italian and French stuff is good, even if I hate how the women always look into the camera. BREACH OF FOURTH FUCKING WALL, BITCHES!

    • Droid says :

      HA! Yeah I never got the reasoning behind that. Some chick getting a load on the face then looking seductively into camera. Just seemed weird.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Yeah, it’s like “I’m pretending to be that guy, but if you look at me through the camera it throws the whole illusion, you dumb tart!”

    • Jarv says :

      If you can find it, the Mary Whitehouse Experience episode on Porn was fucking genius- I’ve shortened this and it’s a huge paraphrase, but the routine made me cry laughing:

      Soft Porn sells because the look on the actresses face. She’s saying “never mind this camera, I want you, yes you. Never mind that you’re a fat, sweaty, unemployed twat in Dagenham, you might, one day, get to fuck me.

      Hard core porn, on the other hand, says “I’m never going to fuck you, because I’m busy blowing him”.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        That’s fucking hysterical! Where should I look for that?

      • Jarv says :

        I haven’t a clue. It never got a video release, let alone DVD.

        The Mary Whitehouse Experience consisted of Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis, Rob Newman and David Baddiel, The idea was, they’d pick a subject and then rant about it for varying length, and throw in a few regular sketches as well such as History Today: “that’s you that is”.

        The all time classics were Animals and Pets, Porn, The Timmy Mallet Experience (this has to be seen to be believed), and a few others.

        It was fucking great- the BBC really needs to release it.

        The other great piece of British Comedy on this subject was Brass Eye on Sex.

  16. DocPazuzu says :

    Who actually watches soft porn like Emannuelle? Non-alcoholic beer and decaf drinkers, that’s who.

    • Jarv says :

      Who actually watches soft porn like Emannuelle? Non-alcoholic beer and decaf drinkers, that’s who.

      You weren’t a teenager in Britain in the early 1990’s. We also watched a huge plethora of dubious “Art” films on Channel 4 late at night.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Yeah, but you lot had great magazines in the 80s. We teens coveted the likes of Men Only and Mayfair much more than Playboy or Penthouse or Hustler (which seemed a bit scuzzy in comparison).

      • Jarv says :

        You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Razzle.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        haha, yeah, I remember Razzle: The scuzz of Hustler coupled with the erotica of your fat slag of an aunt.

      • Jarv says :

        You telling me that there’s nothing arousing about 5 low life chavs being piled up over the centrefold with their cunts pointing at the camera while the one on the bottom slowly dies of asphyxiation?

        It was a classy publication.

    • Droid says :

      Never seen Emmanuelle. It was soft core?

      • Jarv says :

        For the most part. There are two bits of it that aren’t. The first is where one chick smokes a ciggy with her, well, vag and the second I’ve forgotten.

        Don’t bother- it’s basically an Art movie about a silly bitch that goes to Thailand and takes no end of cock. Lord knows how they managed to screw 200 odd films out of it.

  17. Droid says :

    An example of what passes for spam these days…

    My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.

    http://***.throatgaggingclub.***/ Throat Gagging Pics

    WTF?

    • DocPazuzu says :

      Jaysus, Droid, what kind of sites do you lurk in to attract that kind of spam?

    • koutchboom says :

      But just think, we all started off pretty much with Soft core shit, late night cable TV shit. Thats what kids these days are starting off with. Where do you go after hardcore? Thats the question, just think how much more fucked up it will be 10 years from now.

      • Droid says :

        True. Porn these days is far more extreme than when I first got to noticing it. At least whats accepted as “mainstream”.

  18. Frank Marmoset says :

    I would like to contribute to this porn discussion but unfortunately the only porn I’ve ever seen all the way through is that Friday The 13th one.

    I am no more a connoisseur of porn than I am a connoisseur of toilet paper. It serves a purpose, I will not deny that I use it, but I pay no attention to the brand and I always get rid of it with a certain sense of shame once I’m done.

    Damn, I brought it back around to poop again.

    • Jarv says :

      Do you remember the Mary Whitehouse Experience, Frank?

      You’d be about the right age and all.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Yes, I remember that. Pretty funny for a while, until people started saying ‘That’s you, that is’ all the time which ruined the whole thing and it wasn’t funny anymore.

      • Jarv says :

        That did ruin it. That whole gag is only funny in context of two old history professors saying it. The other one that was ruined in the schoolyard was “Milky Milky”

      • DocPazuzu says :

        I found ’em. I love you, bit torrent!

      • Jarv says :

        Got them? Which site was it?

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Most British comedy tends to get ruined by people who pick up on the catchphrases and repeat them ad nauseum. It’s like a plague in almost every office I’ve worked in, just repeating stuff parrot fashion with no apparent understanding of how annoying they’re being.

        They do the same thing with adverts. The ‘Whaaasssuuuuuup!’ era was particularly painful for me.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking don’t remind me.

        The other one that was bad was the Tango ads in the 80’s.

      • koutchboom says :

        I still have my GO TANG GO TANG GO TANG GO TANG GO TANG Tango Doll. Those ads where funny.

      • Jarv says :

        Talking about a different Ad, Koutch. This one was banned after a load of kids went deaf.

      • Droid says :

        “Am I bovvered? Bovvered? Face. Bovvered?”

        Christ I was at the tipping point with that fucking catchphrase. Very close to repeatedly punching the next cunt who said it.

      • Jarv says :

        Catherine fucking Tate.

        Talentless.

        Fucking.

        Dog.

        That finally ruined Dr. Who for me. Not to mention she had a weird melanoma on her face.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        “Perfick!”

        “Suits you, sir!”

        “Rodney, you plonker!”

        “But I’m a lady!”

        These are some other examples of ear rape I’ve been subjected to over the years.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking fast show. Christ. OOOOH SUITS YOU SIR!

        It was never actually that funny to begin with.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh christ. Little fucking Britain-

        “Computer Says No”

        FUCK OFF. The Computer doesn’t say anything, and you aren’t being ironic and clever. You’re being a cunt.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Several.
        Just google: Mary Whitehouse experience torrent

      • Jarv says :

        Nice.

        I’ve not seen it since it was originally on, so it may be fonder in my memory than it is now.

      • Droid says :

        Actually that’s one thing that Extras did really well. The whole catchphrase phenomenon thing.

      • Droid says :

        Never seen more than two minutes of Little Britain. Can’t fucking stand it.

      • Jarv says :

        No. Me neither. I think they’re genuinely unfunny and aggravating.

      • koutchboom says :

        Heheh I love Little Britian, probably the funnest thing you Brits have done since the 70s.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck off.

      • koutchboom says :

        Their live show was pretty clever and well done. That digital screen backdrop thing they had was pretty awesome.

      • Jarv says :

        No, it wasn’t, because the show was hackneyed end-of-pier dogshit pushed to an extreme coupled with a sneering attitude towards people not lucky enough to be in the farty metropolitan Primrose Hill elite.

        Unfunny cunts. Lucas and Walliams are a proper case of the Emperor standing there with his dong out and the sheeple not saying anything for fear of not getting it.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        “Suits you, sir” was the least funny bit to be sure, but I fucking loved The Fast Show way back then. That bit where “The Cockneys” go into a pub and everyone’s using region-specific slang yet with the wrong accents is hilarious. Especially the “Jamaican” delivery of “Check me one time, whitey”. Gold.

      • Jarv says :

        Fast Show was patchy. Ted and Ralph was hilarious. Suits You wasn’t.

        Scorchio was quite funny. The old pisshead wore thin after a while.

      • Droid says :

        Every cunt and his dog likes Little Britain. Its popularity astounds me. Its like Peter Kay. Fat unfunny cunts appealing to the lowest common denominator.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        The Chanel 9 stuff was funny, too.

        “Quasibonko!”

      • Jarv says :

        Yeah- “Scorchio!”

        Spanish TV is still like that.

    • Droid says :

      You watch poop porn?

      • Jarv says :

        You watch poop porn?

        Alternatively known as Avril Levigne’s music videos.

      • Droid says :

        Nice.

        Honestly? Who masturbates to Avril Lavigne music videos?

      • Jarv says :

        May I refer you to the humble author of this excellent critique of Hellraiser?

        It’s not clear what I did to deserve eternal damnation – is masturbating to Avril Lavigne videos a sin

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, I should’ve qualified that question. I’ll try again.

        What normal person masturbates to Avril Lavigne music videos?

      • Droid says :

        Private did a bunch of them a few years ago. Porn Wars (Star Wars), Sin City and I think an XMen one. Not sure if any of the latter were good, but I saw the Porn Wars one and it was basically the same old porno, just in funny clothes. It didn’t really resemble Star Wars at all.

    • DocPazuzu says :

      Is that the new one? The one where Jason is basically like Gary in the later Hellraisers? He just loiters around watching the proceedings?

      Such wasted potential…

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        The Friday The 13th porn came out last year, I reviewed it as the 13th film in my epic F13 review.

        He does just loiter around watching things, and then instead of killing people he jerks his enormous cock and ejaculates all over his victims. Bit of a digression from the other films.

      • Jarv says :

        Bit of a digression from the other films.

        You wanted continuity?

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Sorry I missed reading that, Frank.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        You need to see the Batman porno. It looks just like the 1960s Adam West show. They even got the same costume designer to do the outfits. Tori Black as Catwoman in the Julie Newmar costume. Fantastic.

      • Droid says :

        Wasn’t there a Superman one too?

      • koutchboom says :

        The Avatar one is pretty funny, and surprisingly well made?

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Batman porn is a cool idea. I like the idea of most movie-themed pornos, they always sound good in theory. But I could never bring myself to watch one from start to finish.

        Once I’ve finished my mucky business, what do I want to watch the rest of the film for? To find out what happens?

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Yes. The Star Trek ones are good too. Apparently Axel Braun is at it again, this time making This Ain’t Star Wars. If it’s anywhere near as well made as the other parodies, expect Lucasian lawsuits.

      • Droid says :

        I haven’t seen these ones, but the Pirates one just ripped off POTC, and did it very well. It seems that porno makers have no talent to create something new, but they have just enough talent to mimic something else.

        Maybe Snyder should direct porn?

      • Jarv says :

        I’m ashamed to say I want to see Glad-he-ate-her.

      • koutchboom says :

        Maybe Snyder should direct porn?

        Yeah because we all wanna see SLOW MO money shots.

      • Jarv says :

        SLOW MO money shots.

        Can you imagine a Snyder Porn- I bet he would even bring back sleazy sax music.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Frank, on the Batman DVD there’s the option of watching a 30-minute smut-free version of the film. I did that first and it was pretty much like a regular Batman episode. Pretty cool.

      • Droid says :

        Once I’ve finished my mucky business, what do I want to watch the rest of the film for? To find out what happens?

        You’ve seen a lot of porno opening credits sequences then?

      • Jarv says :

        Depends on the porn surely? If there’s a good storyline and whatnot, then it may be worth sitting through.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        You’ve seen a lot of porno opening credits sequences then?

        Nope. They don’t bother with credits on RedTube.

        They also don’t bother with credits in Avril Lavigne videos.

        “Hey, hey! You, you! I don’t like your girlfriend!”

        Boing.

        He he.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        I actually can’t watch porn without some sort of plot or theme. Fucking can’t stand those vignette films that just consist of clips of some tarts opening a door and letting guys in who then have sex with them. Boring shit.

      • Jarv says :

        Not a big fan of the classic “just come to fix your copier” type smut then?

      • Droid says :

        I’ve watched a couple of pornos all the way through back in the day. The stories were alright, and it was amusing to see talentless people trying to act. Like Glee, but with fucking instead of warbling.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah because we all wanna see SLOW MO money shots.

        No he’d cut away to a flame spurt, an erupting volcano or a water fountain or some obvious crap like that.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        “Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?”

        And with that, I’m off. I’ve got a Johnny Rico double feature to watch. RICO’S ROUGHNECKS!

  19. DocPazuzu says :

    At least fixing a copier is a plot.

  20. DocPazuzu says :

    Also, the movie you’re looking for is Jess Franco’s Female Vampire also known under various other names(Erotikill, Loves of Countess Irina, etc.). The most complete version is the one called Female Vampire which was released on VHS by Redemptions Films (“Benelux Edition”) in Britain in the mid-90s. It contains the rare hardcore oral sex scenes. They’re rather short and unerotic and not worth the effort unless you’re a completist nerd like me.

    Lina Romay, who played the vampire, is actually Franco’s wife and he directed her in a ton of films, including full-on pornos.

  21. Xiphos0311 says :

    All you smut junkies missed the important thing we learned here today so let me inform you of it.

    There is a movie out there that involves women talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking and doing even more talking and when you think they can’t possible talk anymore they start talking again that Frank doesn’t like. I guess that’s because the sexy, sassy SATC girls don’t talk super fast with constant pop culture references or talk between bouts of cheer wars.

    • Jarv says :

      Christ! How did we miss that.

      Ambushed by filth.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      He he. That’s pretty funny.

      You know, my biggest fear when I watched SATC2 was: ‘What if I like it?’ It was kind of a relief when it turned out to be such hateful garbage.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      Some people just don’t appreciate the nuances and carefully crafted characterisations present in such a seminal work as BRING IT ON, I see.

      Eliza Dushku and Kirsten Dunst in a bed. Together. Sold, to the Spud on the right, who refuses to stand up…

  22. L Bronco says :

    Hmpph-me speaking about my porn viewing habits would boring and pedestrian (It’s all Lesbo stuff).

    No really, I have a megaton of that stuff on VHS tapes.

    Right, so here’s some critical discourse.

    Mr. Marmoset actually used good rules of writing in this review.

    By renaming the ‘protagonist” Gary Fm begins a narrative.

    It’s a narrative of Dire Shit-obviously, but this is where the author truly shines.

    Mr Marmoset completes the entire of the Hellraiser movie review series by coming back to the first mention in first paragraph-Completing a Circle like many famous operas and song ditties do.

    A case of author rising above material, and well played, sir.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      Thanks, Bronco.

      I’m pretty sure I do not deserve to have the phrase ‘critical discourse’ used in connection with my ramblings, but I appreciate the kind words all the same.

  23. ThereWolf says :

    Epic, Frank – well played!

    I’ve only seen the first three, and only liked the first one. Did Part 2 have ‘Gorman’ from Aliens in it? Part 3 is a complete blank.

    Thanks to this review I’ll not be checking out the others.

  24. Joachim Boaz says :

    Damn hilarious series of reviews! Top-notch works 🙂 Made my day….

  25. Joachim Boaz says :

    Damn hilarious series of reviews! Top-notch work 🙂 Made my day….

  26. MORBIUS says :

    Superb effort Franklin, a great read.

    Even though I never have (nor wanted to for that matter) seen any of these films.

    Per your disclosure of #4, it seems that Star Trek ripped off Hellraiser when they brought out the Borg!

    A boob count for each film would be nice, I’d need something to keep me interested if ever I were to watch one of these.

    For fucks sake Frank, you feces flinging furry.
    that bit with Scarlet Johanssen just wasn’t right!

    Did Wuhrer ever ‘whip ’em out’?

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      Did Wuhrer ever ‘whip ‘em out’?

      Yes, but in a scene where she’s been stabbed through the chest and is covered in blood. Not very sexy really, which is a waste of a good boob scene if you ask me.

  27. Spud McSpud says :

    Great work as always, Frank. How you got through it I’ll never know, but well done.

    I feel honour-bound to pick up the bat you were defending BLOODRAYNE with and stand before you to defend the noble failure of HELLRAISER II: HELLBOUND. I’d rather watch a movie that REALLY tries, and fails, than an uninteresting mess of a movie that doesn’t even try. Thee are a lot of great ideas in HELLBOUND – it’s just that you have a movie that would look awesome with a Blomkamp doing $30 mil of SFX on it, but with the budget of 75p and al the Plasticine you can model with, it doesn’t matter how imaginative you are – the movie will turn out to be shite.

    And the Channard Cenobite was only a line-spewing twat because becoming a Cenobite only enhanced Channard’s already massively egotistical personality, which we’d seen all the way through the movie.

    So, not a total fail. At least Jarv and I will stand up for this movie!!

    HELLRAISER III can go fuck itself, though. I got bronchitis just watching it.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      I’d rather watch a movie that REALLY tries, and fails, than an uninteresting mess of a movie that doesn’t even try.

      Some other examples of films that REALLY tried:

      The Matrix Reloaded
      The Matrix Revolutions
      Southland Tales

      Sorry, man. I get what you’re saying, but ambition alone is worth nothing if you lack the skill or talent (or budget) required to realise your grandiose dream. Anyone can be ambitious, it’s actually pretty easy. If the end result of your ambition is a crappy, boring, stupid film that makes no sense, I’m not giving you bonus points for trying hard.

      • Jarv says :

        Ambition is better than sheer laziness, though, surely Frank?

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Ambition is better than sheer laziness, though, surely Frank?

        Not always, no. Not if the result of your ambition is Hellraiser II. Or Southland Tales.

      • Jarv says :

        Ah- but ambition gives you Hellraiser 2, which some of us like, whereas Laziness gives you Hellraiser 6, which NOBODY likes.

      • Droid says :

        It depends. I would categorize sheer laziness in a filmmaking sense as things like Hudson/Kutcher/Heigl movies that are dreadful paint by numbers retreads. Or that Jennifer Aniston movie with Gerard Butler. Obvious, cliched and boring. As shit as Southland Tales is, I’d take it over one of those lazy movies.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        That’s a fair point, can’t really argue with that.

        They’re still both shitty films, though.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        I suppose what I ultimately want is a good film. Good story, good characters, interesting developments, surprising yet inevitable conclusions, all that stuff.

        If a film doesn’t have those things, if it’s just a succession of dull, nonsensical scenes culminating in a completely retarded ending, then I’m not satisfied. And the idea that the film was ‘ambitious’ (and I’m not even sure Hellraiser II counts as that) doesn’t make one iota of difference because what I saw was shitty and not entertaining in the slightest.

      • Jarv says :

        And the idea that the film was ‘ambitious’ (and I’m not even sure Hellraiser II counts as that)

        I’m not either. I think for the most part it’s a lazy retread of Hellraiser 1.

        The ambition, I suppose, is going in to hell- but it’s very late in the game for that.

      • Droid says :

        I suppose what I ultimately want is a good film. Good story, good characters, interesting developments, surprising yet inevitable conclusions, all that stuff.

        100% Aniston.

  28. Spud McSpud says :

    Ah, Frank. Don’t get me going on THE MATRIX trilogy, I could literally spend the next month explaining why they are ALL awesome, and why everybody who hated the latter two completely misunderstood the entire series and where it was coming from.

    I may not be RIGHT, but I really could spend a month doing that 😀

    All that said, I just think a bit of judicial trimming and the occasional clarification in HELLBOUND would have worked wonders on making it more understandable. For example:

    “He is then defeated by accidental self-decapitation, which in my opinion is even more humiliating than being killed by Corey Feldman. ”

    The Channard Cenobite is being controlled by Leviathan, which is the giant grey diamond in the sky AND the tentacle that carries Channardobite round by his head (no, I didn’t say it would make sense). This is because Leviathan doesn’t quite trust Channard (no, I don’t understand THAT, either). And as for why Leviathan rips off the top of Channardobite’s head for missing Tiffany with his scalpel-tentacles… No, I don’t understand either. And the fact that you’d have to have read the HELLRAISER graphic novels and comics to understand why all that happened is unfair – the info should be there, in the script, for the audience to figure out for themselves.

    But you’ve got to give ’em kudos for wanting to open up the mythos a bit. I mean, giant labyrinth, giant spinning dark god that can be turned into a giant cube… It’s Rubik’s Hell, surely?? A bit of Escher in there, some tweaks to the story, yes indeedy! A better HELLBOUND!!

    Actually, you SHOULD read the graphic novels, they are brilliant. MUCH better than the sequel movies, anyway…

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      They should have let you write Hellbound, Spud. You would probably have done a better job of it. 🙂

      • Spud McSpud says :

        According to the law of diminishing returns, and what I’ve read about how little they give a shit regarding these sequels (which I couldn’t go on with after the coprophageous INFERNO) I could probably get the gig after buying the producers a couple of pints. Or if I hid them in a warehouse, tortured them, got them to sign a greenlight for my script, then got some up-and-comers to make – at last!! – the first ever decent HELLRAISER sequel.

        Then I’d let the fuckers out. After the premiere, obviously 😀

    • Jarv says :

      Ah, Frank. Don’t get me going on THE MATRIX trilogy, I could literally spend the next month explaining why they are ALL awesome, and why everybody who hated the latter two completely misunderstood the entire series and where it was coming from.

      And you’d be wrong. The Matrix was blatantly written as a stand alone piece. They then attempted to screw sequels on where they didn’t fit, resulting in two of the most hideously inept and boring films out there. Matrix Retarded, and Revolting are stock full of out takes and discarded ideas from the first two films, which is why they don’t go anywhere and are as boring as all fuck

      • Droid says :

        The Matrix was blatantly written as a stand alone piece.

        I disagree. I think there’s a openendedness and scope to the end of the first film that paves the way for sequels and an expansion of the universe. What we got however, was the crappiest version imaginable.

      • Jarv says :

        I really don’t like the Matrix at all for a variety of reasons, but I do like the end of it. Neo has come to his powers, and the sign off phone call, for me, finished the film perfectly. Always leave the audience wanting more.

        I do agree with you about how shit they were, though.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Lies. LIES!! DAMNED LIES!!!

        They’re many things: an examination of Eastern vs Western philosophies, a rumination on the true nature of reality, the search for meaning in a meaningless (and ultimately fake) world, the search for worth in a world founded on illusion, the old individual vs conformity chestnut, a text book example of how NOT to edit Act III of your third movie (the Zion attack/Morpheus returning/Trinity and Neo off to Machine City should have been directed EXACTLY like the third act of RETURN OF THE JEDI – don’t give us 20 minutes on each segment, cut between the stories, each time ending the scene on escalating levels of tension to build anticipation), and – finally – why the Machines actually did everything the Architect said they would do in RELOADED – they do win (Zion is utterly destroyed, there’s no military defence left after the Machines stopp attacking), and the survival of humanity is entirely up to the Machines not resuming their attack. Which means Neo lost in the end. The Matrix and Neo may have stopped Agent Smith, but in the end, the humans still live under the mercy of the Machines.

        The sequels are AWESOME – it’s just poor editing that scuppers them! Why so much hatred, my young Grasshopper? Hate leads to suffering…

      • Droid says :

        Actually, I think the first Matrix is a lot like Starship Troopers. It sets up all the pieces, createst the universe but tells a compelling, entertaining story in its own right. But the story it tells is the first chapter of a larger tale. Both films end on a small but significant victory that can lead the sequels onto bigger and more expansive stories. The Matrix attempted it and failed. Starship Troopers didn’t really get the chance.

      • Jarv says :

        Apart from the fact that ST is about a million times better than the Matrix. I’m sure we’ve gone into this before, but the Matrix is an OK Sci-Fi potboiler sunk by a dreadful and ludicrous level of pop-philosophy. The reason for the failure is self-evident in the film, it’s about as deep as a puddle and profound as a Mr. Men book.

        Having said that, as a potboiler, ignoring all the other crap in it, it IS kind of fun.

        Spud, I don’t know where you’re getting that from in the sequels. Honestly, they’re dreadful. They take the worst bits of the first film, discard the good bits and extend it ad nauseum. And, before you blame bad editing- may I just point out the Rave?

      • Spud McSpud says :

        I thought the sequels went the right way mainly because my first thought after THE MATRIX ended was, “Why don’t they go after the Machines, then? Instead of trying to free minds one at a time, why not try to take down the Machines if they have electric hovercraft and shit lying around? Use Neo as a decoy in the Matrix!”. And then they did – in the real world AND in the Matrix.

        I’m still sold on the idea that maybe what the humans think is the real world ISN’T real at all. Maybe it’s just another kind of control – giving the humans false hope that they got out. And it would explain how Smith could escape into the real world, and how Neo brought down that Sentinel at the end of the second movie…

      • Droid says :

        I really like the first Matrix. ST is better, but not “a million times better”. I’d give The Matrix 3 Changs.

      • Jarv says :

        I’d give it 1. So Starship Troopers is 4 times better.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, on rewatchability. I can watch Starship Troopers over and over again. The Matrix I can rewatch if I just fast-forward anything where characters are talking. The Matrix is a handful of cool scenes on a piss poor story, sunk by (funnily enough) ambition. It’s trying to be profound. and nobody has the talent to pull it off.

        Wachowski’s best film= Bound. By a long way.

      • Droid says :

        I’d give it 1.

        Sorry mate, but thats complete horseshit. You’re saying that Splice, which you gave 1 1/2, is a better film than The Matrix.

      • Jarv says :

        No.

        I’m saying I overrated Splice, and if I were to do the same review now, I’d give Splice less.

        I honestly don’t like the Matrix.

      • Jarv says :

        Actually, in retrospect, I think I’d drop splice down to either Horny Pooch of Failure OR half a chang.

        What the hell was I thinking of giving it 1.5? Fuck me.

      • Droid says :

        The first Matrix isn’t actually trying to be that profound. It’s just trying to be a mystical hong kong kung fu sci-fi mash up movie . It’s the sequels where the W’s buy into their own importance and try to be profound.

      • Jarv says :

        Don’t agree- if that was the case, then the Dinner Scene would be irrelevant. The film poses the question about is freedom better than living in a dream, and then answers it categorically- it’s MUCH better to be plugged in.

      • Droid says :

        I’d either half chang or Angry A*P*E* it.

        Actually I remember it pissed me off so I’d Angry A*P*E* it.

      • Jarv says :

        Seriously, what the hell were we thinking of?

  29. Spud McSpud says :

    See, now I feel how Frank felt with his stand-alone hatred of HELLRAISER II: HELLBOUND. Alone in the world…

  30. Droid says :

    The exact moment the Matrix sequels fell apart is when Neo fights the 100 Smiths. The fight lasts for about 15 minutes, going on and on and on, then Neo just fucking does a runner. So the whole fucking scene is redundant. Instead of a lengthy, indulgent 15 minutes special effect scene, just have a scene showing a hundred Smiths coming at Neo and he flies off immediately. The same point is made (Smith is now far more powerful than before) and it moves the story forward instead of halting the entire film for a CGI showcase.

    The fact that that scene is about 30 minutes into the first sequel means that they fell apart really fucking quickly.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      Yeah, but Neo is new at this, so doesn’t realise that they’re gonna be THAT much stronger – unlike Morpheus, he isn’t completely aware of either the limitations of his own abilities or the empowerment of the upgraded Smiths. He needed to fight them to realise exactly how strong Smith has become. And this is then foreshadowed by the bit where he first meets Seraph, they have a fight on some tables in a restaurant, and Seraph then says “You do not truly know someone until you fight them”.

      Aha! FORESHADOWING!!

      Plus, the scenes that Jarv is arguing are the best in THE MATRIX are the CGI showcase scenes – the action sequences filmed in a way we’ve never seen before. Sure, the CG isn’t great on the Burly Brawl, but so what? It advances the story, and gives us a nice visual on how much more powerful Neo has become inside the Matrix than at the end of the first film. Everything has moved on, and the scene gives us a bit of that. Yes, it could have been more of a 5 or 6 min scene than 15 mins (a\nd even I got a bit bored towards the end). As for Neo just fucking off at the end – the entire movie RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK is comprised of Indiana Jones LOSING. He gets the idol – he loses it to Belloq. He gets Abner’s medallion – but then gets saddled with Marion as a partner. He gets the staff of Ra to work – finds the Ark – then the Germans steal it. They open it, he gets it back when they all die – then he loses it to the US Government!

      Indy doesn’t get to keep ANYTHING he earns in that movie, excepting of course Marion. But he fails with so much style, it’s now a beloved iconic movie. Not that the Matrix movies come close to RAIDERS for entertainment – but if it serves the story, and they do it with style, there’s nothing wrong with the good guy losing every so often. Hell, it’s mandatory.

      • Jarv says :

        Are you seriously comparing Raiders to The Matrix Sequels? Arguably the biggest losers in The Matrix are the mugs that stumped up for it.

        Bad Spud. Bad.

      • Droid says :

        No, the scene was intended to show how strong Smith had become. 2 minute scene with a hundred Smiths coming at Neo, him fighting them off and then doing a runner. “You don’t know someone until you fight them.” can still apply without an exercise in ropey CGI.

        Raiders? For shame, Spud. For shame.

      • Jarv says :

        Droid is bang on on this one.

        Furthermore, the end of Revolutions with Neo fighting Smith while 10,000,000 of them stand around juggling their balls is insultingly stupid, especially in the context of that earlier fight. Smith is already seen to be conniving and a bit loopy, so there isn’t any good reason at all for them to stand there stroking their nutsacks while he fights one of them.

  31. Droid says :

    Plus the fact that Zion is such an unmitigated shithole where cunts rave to irritating tribal doof doof that I’d much rather be stuck in The Matrix.

    • Jarv says :

      that I’d much rather be stuck in The Matrix.

      This is exactly when the Matrix falls apart: The Dinner Scene in the first film. As soon as whatshisname is eating the steak with the Agents vs eating congealed semen in a tin can the conceit collapses.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        What?? Luxury in defeat trumps harsh triumph?? What’s wrong with you cheese-eating surrender monkeys?? By that rationale, no Steve McQueen movie would have ever got made!!

        The real world is REAL, the Matrix is fake. THAT’S why it’s worth fighting for in the films – because that steak is fake. The situation is fake. If you’re not opposed to what the Machines are doing, you’re saying that free will is less preferable to imprisonment if imprisonment has more luxury! What is this bourgeois shit?? I’m disappointed at you both. DISAPPOINTED, I tells ya!! :/

      • Jarv says :

        The real world is REAL, the Matrix is fake

        The film comprehensively fails to get across that the real world is worth fighting for. In fact, I’d argue that it goes so far out of its way to make the Real World into a shithole where you have the life expectancy of a lemming suffering from manic depression that the Matrix is infinitely preferable.

        Furthermore, in the Matrix, you are unaware that it ISN’T real- therefore the point collapses even further. It obviously isn’t better to fight for freedom when you are unaware that freedom exists. The kicker though, is that when shown “freedom”, well, it’s pretty fucking horrible.

        The philosophy and the idealism of the Matrix is an epic fail.

      • Jarv says :

        Only if you’re the type of person who IMMEDIATELY sells out to the enemy as long as they provide you with luxuries!!

        Hi, my name is Jarv.

        Actually, all joking aside, this is one of the bigger failings of the Matrix- that they in any way fail to get across WHY it is worth fighting in these horrible conditions. If anything the Machines are mostly benign dictators. There is nothing in that film that merits the efforts that the humans have to go to to protect Zion, because we don’t even see Zion (and when we do, well, I’m not sure it’s worth saving).

        I’ll tell you what film did this much better: Dark City.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        “As soon as whatshisname is eating the steak with the Agents vs eating congealed semen in a tin can the conceit collapses.”

        Only if you’re the type of person who IMMEDIATELY sells out to the enemy as long as they provide you with luxuries!! CHEESE EATING SURRENDER MONKEYS!!

      • Spud McSpud says :

        I think we’re al united in our hated for rave, though. That shit was WEAK.

      • Droid says :

        There is no evidence that when inside the Matrix, your will is hindered or restricted in any way. You still live life however the fuck you want.

        Besides, I like red meat too much, real or imaginary.

      • Jarv says :

        There is no evidence that when inside the Matrix, your will is hindered in any way. You still live life however the fuck you want.

        Actually, precisely what I was trying to get at in a nutshell.

        One Chang. And I’m being fairly generous with that.

      • Droid says :

        Dark City is a 4 Chang movie, and one of the best films of the 90’s.

      • Droid says :

        Nah, it’s still a 3 Chang movie. Too entertaining to be any less.

      • Jarv says :

        I honestly don’t even find it that entertaining. This is a real matter of personal taste, but I can’t stand the majority of the film, to such an extent that when he comes to fight, say, Morpheus, I didn’t care. Not to mention all the cutting back to people staring at vertical streams of numbers.

        Incidentally, this is also why Neuromancer will be such an enormous fail on the screen.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s clearly nostalgia week here- Star Wars and The Matrix sequels. All we need is LOTR and it’ll be just like 10 years ago.

      • Droid says :

        I need to watch Bound again. Loved that movie, but haven’t seen it in about 10 years.

      • Jarv says :

        Cracking thriller Bound with some nice Lesbianage to keep the kids interested.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Glad you mentioned that, Jarv – though I do thoroughly enjoy the Matrix movies, they don’t hold a candle to DARK CITY.

        The production design. The atmosphere. The score. The concept. It’s been a very long time since I’ve seen a movie that so perfectly balances all these and keeps them so expertly complimentary with each other as DARK CITY. Doesn’t matter what else Rufus Sewell does, this will always be the best thing he’s ever done, and William Hurt is just marvellous. It does fall apart a little bit if you think about it (seriously, they change an ENTIRE CITY over an hour?) but it’s just beautiful. Kiefer gives it his best Peter Lorre impression, Rochard O’Brien is all slimy and evil, and Jennifer Connelly is chronically underused. But that reveal, when William Hurt reveals the truth of what’s happening… Just incredible stuff. I LOVE that movie.

      • Jarv says :

        Superb. Droid is right, one of the best of the 90’s. I’m starting to think the 90’s was a supremely underrated decade.

  32. Frank Marmoset says :

    Who’d have thought the Hellraiser series could inspire such wide-ranging discussion, taking in such diverse topics as:

    The taming of women.

    The acting of Keanu Reeves.

    James ‘Why Was I Not On Jarv’s Cunt List?’ Bond.

    Nudity.

    Pornography.

    Masturbation.

    Avril Lavigne.

    Table pooping.

    Posh English schools.

    British comedy and the cunts who ruin it.

    Ambition Vs Laziness (guess which side I’m on).

    The Matrix.

    And, here and there, the Hellraiser series.

    Congratulations, Hellraiser, I never knew you had it in you.

  33. koutchboom says :

    Theres a funny article on Craked.com about villains who in the end were right the machines from the matrix are one of them:

    http://www.cracked.com/article_18417_the-lighter-side-dark-side-5-villains-who-were-good_p3.html

  34. L Bronco says :

    well, spud I hear ya-The first Matrix movie was a crackin’ bit if fun-and an excuse to take CGI to new levels. For this the Wachowski Siclings do deserve some credit.

    I in fact loved the two set CGI set pieces for Matrix 2-amd they got Belluci-MONICAAAAAAAAAA!

    But that’s where I divert and say how much I detest the third movie.

    Here’s why-take what makes the first movie so nifty-digital kung fu, and then completely drop it out of the whole movie-oh yeah add embarrassing rave scene-*sighs*

    I was rooting for the goddamned machines-kill them-i humans have this little dignity-they deserve to be turned into light bulbs.

    What should have happened-Neo should have killed all the machines, the Siblings wanted to farm the damn franchise out.

    Which is funny because after the this next fail-they aren’t going to have a choice.

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