Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Megiddo- The Omega Code 2

Well, there you go. See what you can accomplish if you don’t have to answer to Congress?

Jarv’s Rating: It’s clearly time to break out the Ramirez of Insanity again. This film is barking mad.

I’m wondering if it’s acceptable to just stick “sploitation” on the end of another unrelated word to make up a new genre for your film. Seriously, I’ve heard of Exploitation, obviously, and Blaxploitation, and even Nunsploitation, but reading up on this film introduced me to a new one: “Godsploitation”. Godsploitation- I mean really, what does that even mean, and how, precisely, unless you are a high-ranking member of the Vatican or Dan Brown, can you possibly exploit God? What’s next “Colourbeigesploitation” to describe completely “blah” films like The Invention of Lying, or perhaps “giantrobotsploitation” for the Transformers films, or even “pornsploitation”. Although in hindsight, that last one works.

Anyhoo, Megiddo is apparently Godsploitation, whatever the fuck that means.

 

Damien's first communion

In a strange sort of way I admire the balls behind this film. Megiddo is a thoroughly preposterous, and a completely ludicrous, not to mention laughable, take on the apocalypse. However, by the same score it is also as intelligent as the average paste-eating retard and as well thought out as 2 of the 3 little pigs’ construction plans. Yet, despite all of this, it boasts an outstanding cast of the great and the good, and inexplicably, someone actually bothered to spend money on CGI that for the most part isn’t terrible.

I suppose that I should, at least, attempt to explain the plot, although if I manage it I will officially be the first person in history, including the writers, directors and producers to do so. Megiddo takes an epic tale and…

Oh fuck it, let me start again.

Michael York plays Stone Alexander as an adult…

Wait, getting ahead of myself again. Fuck’s sake.

And I thought blowing smoke rings was impressive...

Megiddo tells the story of the Alexander Brothers, separated as children with Stone being packed off to some creepy and preposterously Italian Military academy (do you really need an academy to learn how to run away?) while David stays in America. Stone gets possessed by Satan and goes on a quest for global domination, which he manages through the handy ability to murder people by touching them and summon weird shadow monsters/ Biblical curses at will. He also marries his old Headmaster’s daughter and murders his dad to get control of the media empire. In the meantime, David is climbing the ranks of US politics.

Eventually, for some reason that’s completely lost on me, Stone divides the world into territories, which he has control of apart from America, China and Latin America, and with the help of his creepy Satanic Vatican priest guy (Udo Keir, completely wasted) unleashes a shit load of natural disasters on mankind before gathering his armies together to fight the USA and Mexico at Megiddo. He also finds time to murder the President of America, frame David for his father’s murder and knock his wife off. The dude is busy. Anyhoo, the armies meet on the field of Battle, Stone is revealed as Satan himself, and David saves the day banishing Satan back to the pit.

Or at least I think that’s what happens, it’s very hard to be sure.

 

York offers R. Lee Emery a reacharound

The acting in this film from a cast that should really know better is pretty woeful. Michael Biehn cashes a cheque plays David Alexander as a bit of a stuffy prick, and his creepy attempts to keep nobbing Stone’s wife are frankly bizarre. Particularly when you see that she’s gone from being hot to kind of chubby. Talking about who, Diane Venora plays Gabriella, and is uniformly terrible. Nevertheless, the real failure is Michael York as Stone- he hasn’t got the charisma for the role, and manages to combine this with the satanic menace of a sedated duck. He’s rubbish, even to the extent that when he gets all pissed off at his father before murdering him he just sounds like a petulant teenager that has been told that his pocket-money has been cut. Fuck knows what he was thinking of, because frankly he can do much better.

 

"You know, If I hadn't turned Fincher down for Alien 3 I'd still have a career and not be forced to appear in claptrap like this to pay the mortgage"

Then there’s the writing. The plot is confused and a touch demented. I do admire the attempt to create a modern big Christian apocalypse story but this weird take on Cain and Abel doesn’t really cut it for me. It also makes fuck all logical sense- why for example, does Stone bother killing President R. Lee Emery? It’s incomprehensible, because David is clearly going to tell him to bugger off afterwards, it’s what he’s done all film. Then, as if that isn’t odd enough, why is he bothering to unleash the plagues on mankind- and the big rallying speech where York is dementedly screaming “I am the Lord” while firing magic lightning at the crowd has to be seen to be believed. The whole film is basically building up to the big battle at the end, so none of this claptrap in the middle makes sense at all, even if it is frankly hilarious. As the final coup de grace in this film, almost all the American dialogue is ludicrously tub-thumping patriotic bilge- and very funny bilge at that, even if it sounds like discarded lines from Braveheart.

 

Hehehehe- that's really funny and I'm not sure why.

Then there are the effects. Some of them, such as the Shadow demons, are well done and quite slick, and for the most part it looks like an expensive CGI-fest, and the computer generated imagery is no worse than something like I Am Legend. However, when Satan sheds his York suit and stands before us in his full demonic glory he looks, well, a bit shit and unbelievably the word that leaps to mind is “cuddly”. This is not the dark lord of hell- he wouldn’t look out of place in a toy shop. Still, the ambition behind the effects in this film is commendable, and I have to say it’s much better to aim high and miss spectacularly than aim really low and still miss by a distance greater than Don Murphy’s waistline.

 

CAN YOU DIG IT?

Overall this is a grand and epic disaster of a film, and yet at the same time it’s fucking hilarious and completely demented. Whatever the fuck Brian Trenchard-Smith (the director) was going for here, and I haven’t a fucking clue, it certainly isn’t what ended up on screen. In a weird sort of way I do recommend this, but don’t do it sober- this is a spectacularly loopy and stupid film, and as a direct result of ambition outstripping ability an amazingly entertaining one. For all the wrong reasons, of course, but nevertheless, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2 is an absolute riot.

Until next time,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

73 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Megiddo- The Omega Code 2”

  1. Jarv says :

    Hilarious- I haven’t done this justice.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      Why does the Mex army travel to Israel to fight since they can’t even defeat drug cartels IN Mexico? why would anybody need them? might as well send the fucking French Foreign Legion since they are as equally useless as the Mexs and an closer to Israel to boot.

      Also an Italian Military School? What did he learn there? how to smoke, take siestas, drink wine and quit?

      Even with those principled objections on my part I think I have to watch this becasue it sounds kooky.

      • Jarv says :

        Indeed. It’s hilarious in its insanity.

        Italian military academy indeed.

        This film is completely bugnuts- and quite enjoyable as a result.

  2. Continentalop says :

    This is a “Christian film”, evangelical Christian at that. THAT’S why it’s nuts!

  3. DocPazuzu says :

    “Nazarene…. YOU! ARE! LORD!”

    Loves me some Megiddo.

    • Jarv says :

      Yeah- it’s fucking priceless. Mrs. Jarv thought it was shite- but I kept laughing at things in it.

      I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. YOU REMEMBER THAT

  4. Spud McSpud says :

    Fucking hell. Lunatic Millenialist Zionist Rapturist Evangelical Christian Fundamentalists (with the emphasis on “menal” by the sound of it) remake OMEN III – THE FINAL CONFLICT – badly – only this time, they add the Final Battle!! ARMAGEDDON!! And no naked-wrapped-in-the-flag-goddammit-Bruce Willis in the mix!!

    It sounds fucking nuts, every flavour of awesome, and out-fucking-standing all at once! Logan-5 is the Antichrist? Which makes Jenny Agutter, in a roundabout sort of way, the Whore of Babylon.

    I’m gonna sleep well tonight ;P

    Jarv, great review as always – I actually NEED to see this lunacy 😀

  5. Spud McSpud says :

    “York gives R. Lee Ermey a reacharound”

    “CAN YOU DIG IT!!”

    Jarv, you have outdone yourself with these captions. One of my favourite reviews on this site yet. Fucking brilliant.

    And now I have the entire R. Lee Ermey monologue from FULL METAL JACKET going round in my head. Which, for some long-lost reason, has always really made me laugh 😀

  6. ThereWolf says :

    Jarv, you twat! How many times do I have post ‘I’ll be doing Megiddo for Biehn Season’? How many times! I had this to look forward to and now all I’ve got to look forward to is Navy fucking Seals!

    Nevertheless, this sounds awesome.

    Meanwhile, what the fuck is going on at Sheffield Wednesday?

  7. L Bronco says :

    Rubbish.

    Tripe.

    I couldn’t even stand to read the review it was such balderdash.

    Why the fuck did human beings even bother to make a language when this is what it devolvles to.

    I mean, a thousand trillion monkeys couldn’t make this shit up.

    Bah!

    I will twiitter this review immediately, of course.

    Yours truly,
    -LB

  8. L Bronco says :

    This review…

    And I’m not talking about the writing-it’s quite good, possibly your best ever, but…

    It’s like trying to view Anti-Matter, when i myself am made out of matter.

    It’s as bad as watching Manchester United Premier footie league coverage.

    ITS THAT FUCKING BAD

    I PULL MY EYEBALLS OUT AND THEY TURN INTO SPIDERS AND SHIT

    IAGH IAGH

    CTHULHULU FTAGN

  9. MORBIUS says :

    I bet Tom would love hisself some . . .

    GiantRobotLionsploitation , , ,

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Oh Absolutely. And should they come up w/ that there Voltron adaptation they’ve been talking about–I’m SO there. Sadly as it is.

  10. MORBIUS says :

    Nice work there Jarv . . .

    Must.See.This.

    Wolf, didn’t you say that ManU wasn’t
    your cup of tea . . . so to speak?

    • ThereWolf says :

      I’m fairly ambivalent toward ManU(re), the club.

      It’s the plastic, shirt-wearing, armchair-dwelling hordes who follow them that wind me up.

      Actually, no, the club is full of cunts as well.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m not. I hate all of them and their fans.

        Particularly that cunt Neville that just retired.

      • ThereWolf says :

        There’s a very scary rumour of Neville getting on the telly as a regular football pundit…

        (a) I see no reason to frighten the little ones who may be watching when he’s on.

        (b) He’s a moron.

        (c) He can barely speak above a grunt.

        Actually, perfect for Sky then…

      • Jarv says :

        Times like this I curse British gun control.

  11. DocPazuzu says :

    Don’t know about satan being “cuddly” in this film. Toothless and mincing? Yes. Cuddly? Not with that Dominic Purcell neck thing going on.

  12. Frank Marmoset says :

    Good review. This sounds pretty nutty, I may have to check it out.

    Do I have to have seen the first film to understand what’s going on in this one?

  13. Bartleby says :

    Great review Jarv.

    I dig this movie because it’s one of the few times where a Christian produced film was actually entertaining. This is utterly retarded in every single way. What about Biehn’s line ‘The lord giveth..and the lord taketh away’ as he’s chambering his gun?

    And that end is hilarious for a few reasons, namely one of them being that it represents what some actual Christians think will happen. It’s a big loud dumbhouse movie that is supposed to be inspiring…. when this thing and it’s prequel came out, there were supposedly people crying in the theaters…actual conversion experiences. I call bullcrap.

    And while I know Im in the wrong arena here to comment on this, there are very Christians I know who would do anything else than laugh at this bullcrap. Idiotic.

    Also, woe to Brian Trenchard-Smith. He’s the guy behind that cool little Aussie flick ‘Frog Dreaming’ that Droid and I reviewed last year.

    Don’t think there was ever such a ludicrous Godsploitation movie since, although the recent Shelter and Basinger’s Bless the Child want to compete.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      And let us never forget that Brian Trenchard-Smith also directed Leprechauns 3 and 4.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      What about Biehn’s line ‘The lord giveth… and the lord taketh away’ as he’s chambering his gun?

      That’s it, I have to see this film now.

      Have to!

    • Jarv says :

      There are several mock-biblical style lines like that and they’re all funny.

      I call shenanigans on that conversion story.

    • DocPazuzu says :

      I’d like to think that Brian just took the money and ran with it.

      I have the Making Of book which i picked up in a creepy, flea-bitten junk shop in rural West Virginia years ago. It contains the entire script and loads of wankery about how amazingly profound the movie is. Almost nothing about the movie per se, but oodles of sanctimonious, self-congratulatory bullshit by that evangelist tool, Paul Crouch, who produced both Omega Codes along with that ghastly Revlon Frankenstein wife of his.

      • Jarv says :

        I could have sworn I saw York and Biehn down as producers.

        I’m sure he meant it to be profound, but it really isn’t.

  14. DocPazuzu says :

    If one could spill onto celluloid what little contents there are inside of Sarah Palin’s head, you’d get Megiddo. It’s a teabagger fantasy made cinematic flesh.

  15. DocPazuzu says :

    York’s a co-producer but I don’t think Biehn is.

    • Jarv says :

      Fucking hell, I just logged in to AICN because of this:

      What the Nolan’s movies clearly demosntrate is that Batman will not deliberatly kill anybody.

      just to post that Nolan is making a biopic of a Portuguese shit in where he will clearly demonstrate that said shut in doesn’t deliberately fuck goats, rather wonder around naked with an erection until he trips up and inserts himself into them.

      Has the little ass-hat even seen Batman Begins- the end of that is deliberately killing Neeson.

      • Jarv says :

        I feel dirty and a bit stupid now as a result.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        I got into it with the cunt in the Blade Runner talkback. I clearly proved that he was either lying or being ignorant and the fucker completely ignored it. He’s just like CoughlinsLaw.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s such a cunt. I’m sure I’ve schooled him on that Blade Runner’s critical reception thing before as well. It was pretty battered in the UK as well.

      • Droid says :

        He didn’t kill Neeson. He chose not to save him. Is there a difference? Maybe, maybe not.

      • Jarv says :

        No- he killed him. If it is in your power to save someone, and you leave them to die, then you’ve killed them.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        So sayeth the law in every civilized country in the world.

      • Droid says :

        No, not really. He’s in a life threatening situation. He chose to save himself rather than further risk his life attempting to save Neeson as well. No court anywhere would convict you of murder/manslaughter in that situation.

      • Jarv says :

        No he didn’t. He said specifically “I don’t have to save you” and then goes out the back on the preset escape plan. There scene didn’t play out like that. It doesn’t matter though, because there are only the two of them on the crashing train and so he wouldn’t go down.

        Unless you want to argue about meaning of Batman stuff again.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        C’mon, man — it’s friggin Batman! Of course he could’ve saved him. He made it clear that he was making a choice. That a court couldn’t prove it is another matter entirely. Batman refrained from actions in order to avoid being an obstacle to a human being’s imminent death.

      • Droid says :

        Nope. You’re speaking like he was sitting there drinking a cup of tea mulling the pro’s and cons of saving him while Neeson awaits his fate. The train is seconds from crashing. He saved himself. He could’ve attempted to save Neeson, at great risk to himself. Batman risks his life to save people, and this is him drawing a line in the sand of what kind of person he will risk his life to save. It’s part of the evolution of Bruce Wayne becoming Batman, learning what he will and won’t do. All that junk.

        What preset escape plan? Blowing the back of the train out whilst it’s seconds from crashing is a preset escape plan? That’s a pretty crap plan if that’s what it was. Just seemed to me like the nearest exit.

      • Jarv says :

        He clearly says “I can choose not to save you”- which is that he could save Neeson, but isn’t going to. I’m not implying that he sat there and read the paper on the bog while making his mind up.

        I meant the gliding away was already how he planned to escape- not the blowing the back off the train.

        The scene plays out as Batman intentionally leaving Neeson to die- which is not how you’re presenting it.

        It’s a pretty crappy scene, actually.

      • Droid says :

        So sayeth the law in every civilized country in the world.

        Then why sayeth this Doc?

      • Droid says :

        He does leave him to die. That’s not the issue. I’m just saying that “I don’t have to save you.” is Batman drawing the line in the sand, and some people he doesn’t have to risk everything to save.

      • Jarv says :

        It isn’t.

        Neeson says something that I’m paraphrasing as “You still can’t take that final step and kill people”. To which Batman replies “I don’t have to save you”. Which totally changes the meaning of it.

        He clearly intentionally leaves him to die.

        Meh, who cares, though. It’s a weak scene in a generally enjoyable film and I don’t want to get all fanboy bleating about how Batman not saving him is a betrayal of Batman.

      • Droid says :

        Yes, he says that in direct response to Neeson saying “You can’t kill.”, but it still all contributes to the same meaning. Just as he said he won’t kill, he is learning that he doesn’t have to recklessly risk his life to save everyone regardless of who they are.

      • Jarv says :

        I totally disagree with that interpretation- but that whole scene leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He wasn’t “recklessly risking his life” as you keep saying, the fight was over, Neeson was beaten, Batman was jumping out the window- he just had to grab Neeson and let his memory cloth gliding wings take them down- there was no further risk.

        And he’s Batman FFS- he could easily have done it.

        I really dislike that scene, actually, and that whole film is going down in my estimation nowadays anyway.

      • Droid says :

        Look at the scene again. Neesons not within grasp of Batman, but at the other end of the train. The train is literally seconds from crashing. “It’s Batman FFS” does not explain away the inhuman ability to cover that much ground and expect anything less than a miraculous escape from near certain death. There’s no tucking Neeson under his arm and gliding comfortably to safety. The whole point of BB was to show that Batman is a human, and not superman.

      • Jarv says :

        Firing a batclaw does- He’s also not that far from Neeson- they’ve been fistfighting not firing mortars at each other.

        I don’t really care, because that scene is sloppy and doesn’t work. Funnily enough, it would have worked better if he’d tried to save Neeson and failed- but I don’t think you can really justify what he does.

      • Droid says :

        Sounds like one of those old adventure serials.

        “How do we get Batman out of this?”
        “How about he fires a batclaw?”
        “Didn’t we do that last time?”
        “Ah, who cares. The audience are idiots. They won’t notice.”

        Annie Wilkes would be going apeshit.

      • Jarv says :

        He is a dirty birdie after all.

        It’s a film I used to really like, but am going off it over time.

        I never liked that scene, but just let it slide- whereas now it bugs me, along with other things like “realism” and “Giant microwave gun/ emitter thingy”.

  16. Frank Marmoset says :

    Pile on!

    Batman clearly leaves R’as al Ghul to die on the train. He – by omission of action, as that Robot law says – kills him. Earlier in the film, Bruce Wayne wasn’t prepared to let al Ghul die when he saved him on the mountain, but at the film’s climax he makes a different choice. It’s an arc of sorts.

    For shame, Batman. For shame!

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