Foiling Droid: Mrs. Jarv takes the bullet meant for Jarv by watching the insulting oestrogen-fest “He’s Just Not That Into You”

This is a public service announcement for all you poor bastards with other halves that insist on inflicting dismal romantic comedies that are neither funny nor romantic on you.

Droid, mistakenly believing himself to be smarter than the average drop bear, thought that he would be able to inflict “He’s Just Not That Into You” on me by duty of me being married. Unfortunately for him, Mrs. Jarv is both far smarter and far nicer than him, and so took the chance to watch this nauseating bucket of vomit while I was at work. As an added bonus, she thought it was so hateful, and so despicable, that she’s actually written a review- so guys, anyone who has a missus threatening with this, present this as a female viewpoint to an odious film and stick Bitch Slap in instead. Anyhoo, enough waffle from me, here it is:

For Christmas a very kind and thoughtful friend of Jarv’s (*cough droid) gave us He’s just not that into you. He did this knowing full well that having a copy of this chick flick in the house would be akin to hiding seafood behind the radiator. Being slightly more open-minded than Jarv I decided to give it a go…how bad could it really be?

Oh My God…

First of all I think they may have filmed this movie next to some trendy Hollywood juice bar and then grabbed every actor that walked by and said “You got 5-10 minutes to be in a film? Step right over here!” Those partaking in their usual high protein, low carb wheatgrass smoothie that day included Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, Kevin Connolly, Bradley Cooper, Ginnifer Goodwin, Scarlett Johansson,  Justin Long and Kris Kristofferson… for starters…

So what is the plot?

Well the film follows nine people in Baltimore (yes Baltimore, kept hoping one of the characters from The Wire would pop out and cap somebody, sadly no). Ginnifer Goodwin (of Big Love fame) plays Gigi who is at the centre of this convoluted plot. Gigi is a ridiculous character that supposedly “misreads mundane actions and comments from her dates as indications they are romantically interested in her”. Bullshit, she is the reason that restraining orders are obtainable by both sexes. Whilst stalkingpursuing Conor (Kevin Connolly who to his credit does look the part of a sleazy estate agent) she befriends bar owner Alex (played by a relatively inoffensive Justin Long) who gives her tips on how not to be labelled a psycho stalker. A cringe worthy scene then follows where she throws herself at Alex, and I mean throw in the most literal sense, and he predictably rebuffs her. She then proceeds to scream at him in a most unreasonable manner for giving out mixed signals. If this was another film and the character was male it would be a classic case of attempted date rape. Lovely…

It gets better?… um, no

Anyway Gigi’s co-worker Janine (what are you doing in this crap Jennifer Connelly) is married to Ben (Bradley Cooper). Janine is an uptight shrew and Ben is a total fuckwit. They make a great couple. Anyway instead being faithful to his hot wife Ben decides to get it on with Anna, a slutty yoga instructor/singer (played by an incredibly voluptuous Scarlett Johansson). Just to make us not totally hate this guy we are treated to about 5 seconds of him heeing and hawing and pretending to be torn before he bones her. By the way sorry boys, you don’t get to see much of Scarlett, remember this is a chick flick. Meanwhile Anna is off not boning Conor the sleazy real estate guy although they used to have sex or something ridiculous like that. As a weird side note Conor has now started dressing like a gay guy who just came out to his parents and has a point to prove, this is apparently going to attract the huge gay market to his business. Um, ok.

Yes there is more….*Sigh*

Anna’s friend, Mary (Drew Barrymore) is in ad sales for a local gay newspaper (at this point I started to think that one of the many writers involved in this garbage might be a gay guy from Baltimore). It turns out Mary is the genius behind the whole ‘gay Conor look’. She also likes to whinge about dating and technology. She plays ‘Gigi Light’; no restraining order necessary, just some harsh language.

So where are Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck you say?

Well, hopefully hiding their heads in shame though I wouldn’t count on it considering their rom-com credentials. Jennifer Aniston plays Gigi’s other co-worker Beth who is living with her boyfriend Neil (Ben Affleck gurning and posing like he thinks he is an aftershave advert). Neil is also friends with Ben. After seven years together, Beth wants to get married, but Neil does not believe in marriage. In a hugely predictable turn of events Beth dumps Neil only to realise he is a great guy and she should have stuck with him so she takes him back and then he proposes. Barf.

Spoilers…

In the grand finale Gigi is arrested for breaking her numerous restraining orders, Anna makes it in show business after blowing some music producer, Janine and Ben find a shared passion S&M, Beth and Neil get married and then divorced in a matter of months, Alex moves to Utah to be a Mormon and Mary turns out to be a lesbian…

Ok, so that isn’t exactly what happened but I like my ending better.

In truth fuckwit Ben and shrew Janine get divorced, slutty Anna ends up alone, Beth and Neil get married and Mary and Conor start dating. In the end, Alex, despite initially rebuffing the hugely offense Gigi, decides “you know I like this psychopathic, whinging excuse for a woman!” and shows up on her doorstep a la four weddings and a funeral.

Yuck yuck yuck…

If you haven’t figured it out yet, this film is fucking terrible and hugely offensive to men and women. And that is from someone who likes Beaches (Jarv almost divorced me when he found out, but now I wear it as a badge of pride). I have a pretty high tolerance for drippy, predicable girly crap and this put me to shame. There are so many things to dislike about this film, even the title is convoluted. And there are so many stereotypes thrown in for good measure it makes your head spin. Men are either cheaters, commitment-phobic or gay (or at least dress as if they are). The women are spineless or slutty or overly aggressive or just plain annoying. And the cherry on top is that according to this film, (bearing in mind that Baltimore population was around 637,418 in 2009) the local population is composed of 637,409 real-estate crazed homosexuals and nine straight idiots who all know and shag each other.

I would like to add an official ‘fuck you’ to the following people…

Greg Behrendt  and Liz Tuccillo for writing what can only have been a terrible book.

and

Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein for adapting this garbage…

Thanks for letting me rant,

Mrs Jarv

 

O Changs- the Bitch Slap voucher.

Outstanding.

I did the rating, and the idea is, that this rom com is so offensive that if you’re male and you sit through it, then you’re automatically entitled to one free viewing of Bitch Slap with absolutely no repercussions from the wife.

Spend the voucher wisely, guys.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

28 responses to “Foiling Droid: Mrs. Jarv takes the bullet meant for Jarv by watching the insulting oestrogen-fest “He’s Just Not That Into You””

  1. Jarv says :

    She’s lying about the divorce thing. Beaches is terrible, but not worth the legal bills and I can just keep destroying the disc. Far easier.

  2. Bartleby says :

    As the resident Baltimoron, let me say that although our city has it’s share of wierdos, frigid shrews, stalkers and straight-up idiots, I’ve never seen anyone like the people in this movie walking our streets. Let me correct that. I don’t think there are many people like those in this film walking the planet period.

    This is like a film made by aliens who could only find a copy of Vogue and a few episodes of Friends as examples of the human culture and then mixed them all up in trying to deliver a movie.

    Jarv owes you big time for sitting through this crap on his behalf, and it ain’t a showing of Bitch Slap.

    ‘Janine and Ben find a shared passion in S&M’

    Once everyone discovered that Janine was played by Connelly and that she might be beating the hell out of Bradley Cooper with a tennis racket, I imagine you lost most of the Moonwolves audience right there.

    You are totally right. Your ending is way better.

    Great review. I love seeing someone give this the kicking it deserves.

    I suggest you use this review as leverage to start a column on the site that only reviews chick flicks. Whether or not you post them under Jarv’s name is irrelevant.

  3. just pillow talk says :

    I would like to know what is this the equivalent of?
    If Mrs. Pillow saw that cover, she would want to see it. Fortunately, she sees a preview of something that she wants to see and then forgets about it months down the line.

    You can tell Mrs. Jarv it was quite nice of her to watch it without your presence required.

    And it further proves Droid is a truly evil dirty bastard.

  4. Xiphos0311 says :

    slutty yoga instructor, is there any other kind? No there isn’t and praise Grilled Cheesus for that.

    this sounds like 10 different kinds of suck and this is from somebody that doesn’t outright hate rom-coms like others seem to. There are a few decent to good examples in the genre that are quite watchable an entertaining.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Hola Xi!

      Been a while dude. How have you been?

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I’ve been very busy. Officers and NCOs(one is my minion) off doing things in advance of our hitting the road so I’ve been wearing a lot of hats lately.

    • Bartleby says :

      Xi, out of curiosity, which ones?

      I tend to agree with the sentiment though. There are good movies in the genre. There just haven’t been many lately.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Let’s see there is Definitely Maybe, Say Anything, High Fidelity, Chaos Theory, even though I hated the movie on nearly every level Adventureland works as a rom-com.

        Mostly I tend to like the more dude skewed(tm) Rom coms.

        Oh and Braveheart.

      • koutchboom says :

        Chaos Theory? Is that really a rom-com? It was more a failed self improvement movie. Also very lifetime movie of the week, which is actually the channel I saw it on. Also the movie is sold as something its not. I think its easily Reynolds worst movie.

      • Bartleby says :

        never saw Chaos Theory. So it’s worth seeing?

      • koutchboom says :

        If you fucking love melodrama, and bad Reynolds acting.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Grilled Kingman Az Cheesus(TM), of course.

  5. Jarv says :

    There is an added bonus to this film:

    It is so fundamentally awful that it shone a light on Le Divorce- which she now hates!

    Absolute result- so if anyone wants a copy of Le Divorce, email me, and you can have it.

  6. LB says :

    Good lord-I am knitting Mrs. Jarv a freakin’ sweater for this most awesome of reviews. OK, I’m not, but I am thinking of pressuring Jarv to buy you a Snuggie.

    This detestable piece of shit movie made me hate Jennifer Connely.

    It’s…fucking…shite!

    Mrs. Jarv-consider yourself tweeted!

    ScarJo is insanely hot in it-in a Xanax induced Anti-Acting kind of way.

    Rubbish.

    Just, utter rubbish.

  7. Tom_Bando says :

    NEEDS GIANT ROBOTS

  8. Droid says :

    hehehehe!!!!

    Well, my plan half worked. I dropped the nuke, but I didn’t get Jarv in the fallout. But I DID get Mrs Jarv! Jobs not 100% successful but I consider it a win. Mostly because I bet Jarv got an earful about how shit the movie is.

    VERTICAL DROID FTW!!!

    • Jarv says :

      Nope.

      You were foiled

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        To Mrs Jarv – Well done, but darlin, you do not have to take that kind of abuse! Get to the American Embassy! They will get you out!

        Or, at least get to the pub and pound back a few until you forget.

        Droid -you were foiled, so go twirl your ‘stache and plan your revenge.

        Jarv, I posted this in the rec room, but I think it got lost in the shuffle – I thought it was funny and proves some old/new insults as well.

        To: Jarv and the other Brits, apropos of nothing – just some silliness, I present : Why the Dutch and dogs hate the English. Courtesy of timesonline.

        http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/the_tls/article7171545.ece

        Slang relating to sex, of course, figures prominently. Taking a non-exhaustive list from the first two letters of the alphabet, we find the penis being referred to as Aaron’s rod, Adam’s arsenal, arse-wedge, augur, bacon bazooka, bald-headed bastard, and bayonet. There are some noteworthy implicit groupings of terms, perhaps two of the most striking being those dealing respectively with foreigners and with animals. Among the former, English slang seems to have treated the Dutch particularly harshly: thus we have not only Dutch treats, uncles, auctions and courage, but also the less familiar Dutch act (suicide), Dutch dumplings (gay slang for buttocks), and Dutch doggery (a low grog-shop). And as this last expression indicates, among animals, dogs seem to come off especially badly as objects of slang, considering the human capacity to be dog-poor, dog-drunk, dog-tired, to dog around, to be in the doghouse, and to create dogs’ dinners.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking Murdoch’s paywall. Cunt.

        Anyway, that is funny, but it misses out Dutch Oven.

        Hehehehehehe.

        For a complete guide to creative British Swearing/ Slang may I recommend Roger’s Profanisaurus. It will expand your vocabulary to a quite frightening degree.

      • MORBIUS says :

        Hey TKD, ‘sup?

        How about a ‘Dutch Rudder’?

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Hola Morbius! Good to see you.
        I accessed that link via arts and letters daily, so maybe that is why you get the error?

      • Jarv says :

        How did you get on to it TKD- it’s behind Murdoch’s Paywall here.

  9. MORBIUS says :

    Toad,
    I get ‘404 Error’ on that link.

    Hope you didn’t subject Rufus to that
    detrimental doggerel !

  10. DocPazuzu says :

    Wait… You’ll watch this but you won’t watch Megiddo? WTF?

  11. Frank Marmöset says :

    I also have a high tolerance for drippy, predicable girly crap – not to mention a more salacious interest in Jennifers Aniston and Connelly, and Scarlett Johansson – and even I found this one pretty unbearable. Spot on review.

    The most impressive thing about the film was the way Scarlett managed to bobble up and down topless in a swimming pool without showing even a hint of nip. And, trust me, I checked. In slow motion. No nip.

  12. ThereWolf says :

    Nice one, Mrs Jarv.

    I can’t resist Scarlett Johansson.

    But I ain’t watching this bollox.

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