Foiling Droid: Mrs. Jarv takes the bullet meant for Jarv by watching the insulting oestrogen-fest “He’s Just Not That Into You”
This is a public service announcement for all you poor bastards with other halves that insist on inflicting dismal romantic comedies that are neither funny nor romantic on you.
Droid, mistakenly believing himself to be smarter than the average drop bear, thought that he would be able to inflict “He’s Just Not That Into You” on me by duty of me being married. Unfortunately for him, Mrs. Jarv is both far smarter and far nicer than him, and so took the chance to watch this nauseating bucket of vomit while I was at work. As an added bonus, she thought it was so hateful, and so despicable, that she’s actually written a review- so guys, anyone who has a missus threatening with this, present this as a female viewpoint to an odious film and stick Bitch Slap in instead. Anyhoo, enough waffle from me, here it is:
For Christmas a very kind and thoughtful friend of Jarv’s (*cough droid) gave us He’s just not that into you. He did this knowing full well that having a copy of this chick flick in the house would be akin to hiding seafood behind the radiator. Being slightly more open-minded than Jarv I decided to give it a go…how bad could it really be?
Oh My God…
First of all I think they may have filmed this movie next to some trendy Hollywood juice bar and then grabbed every actor that walked by and said “You got 5-10 minutes to be in a film? Step right over here!” Those partaking in their usual high protein, low carb wheatgrass smoothie that day included Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, Kevin Connolly, Bradley Cooper, Ginnifer Goodwin, Scarlett Johansson, Justin Long and Kris Kristofferson… for starters…
So what is the plot?
Well the film follows nine people in Baltimore (yes Baltimore, kept hoping one of the characters from The Wire would pop out and cap somebody, sadly no). Ginnifer Goodwin (of Big Love fame) plays Gigi who is at the centre of this convoluted plot. Gigi is a ridiculous character that supposedly “misreads mundane actions and comments from her dates as indications they are romantically interested in her”. Bullshit, she is the reason that restraining orders are obtainable by both sexes. Whilst stalkingpursuing Conor (Kevin Connolly who to his credit does look the part of a sleazy estate agent) she befriends bar owner Alex (played by a relatively inoffensive Justin Long) who gives her tips on how not to be labelled a psycho stalker. A cringe worthy scene then follows where she throws herself at Alex, and I mean throw in the most literal sense, and he predictably rebuffs her. She then proceeds to scream at him in a most unreasonable manner for giving out mixed signals. If this was another film and the character was male it would be a classic case of attempted date rape. Lovely…
It gets better?… um, no
Anyway Gigi’s co-worker Janine (what are you doing in this crap Jennifer Connelly) is married to Ben (Bradley Cooper). Janine is an uptight shrew and Ben is a total fuckwit. They make a great couple. Anyway instead being faithful to his hot wife Ben decides to get it on with Anna, a slutty yoga instructor/singer (played by an incredibly voluptuous Scarlett Johansson). Just to make us not totally hate this guy we are treated to about 5 seconds of him heeing and hawing and pretending to be torn before he bones her. By the way sorry boys, you don’t get to see much of Scarlett, remember this is a chick flick. Meanwhile Anna is off not boning Conor the sleazy real estate guy although they used to have sex or something ridiculous like that. As a weird side note Conor has now started dressing like a gay guy who just came out to his parents and has a point to prove, this is apparently going to attract the huge gay market to his business. Um, ok.
Yes there is more….*Sigh*
Anna’s friend, Mary (Drew Barrymore) is in ad sales for a local gay newspaper (at this point I started to think that one of the many writers involved in this garbage might be a gay guy from Baltimore). It turns out Mary is the genius behind the whole ‘gay Conor look’. She also likes to whinge about dating and technology. She plays ‘Gigi Light’; no restraining order necessary, just some harsh language.
So where are Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck you say?
Well, hopefully hiding their heads in shame though I wouldn’t count on it considering their rom-com credentials. Jennifer Aniston plays Gigi’s other co-worker Beth who is living with her boyfriend Neil (Ben Affleck gurning and posing like he thinks he is an aftershave advert). Neil is also friends with Ben. After seven years together, Beth wants to get married, but Neil does not believe in marriage. In a hugely predictable turn of events Beth dumps Neil only to realise he is a great guy and she should have stuck with him so she takes him back and then he proposes. Barf.
In the grand finale Gigi is arrested for breaking her numerous restraining orders, Anna makes it in show business after blowing some music producer, Janine and Ben find a shared passion S&M, Beth and Neil get married and then divorced in a matter of months, Alex moves to Utah to be a Mormon and Mary turns out to be a lesbian…
Ok, so that isn’t exactly what happened but I like my ending better.
In truth fuckwit Ben and shrew Janine get divorced, slutty Anna ends up alone, Beth and Neil get married and Mary and Conor start dating. In the end, Alex, despite initially rebuffing the hugely offense Gigi, decides “you know I like this psychopathic, whinging excuse for a woman!” and shows up on her doorstep a la four weddings and a funeral.
Yuck yuck yuck…
If you haven’t figured it out yet, this film is fucking terrible and hugely offensive to men and women. And that is from someone who likes Beaches (Jarv almost divorced me when he found out, but now I wear it as a badge of pride). I have a pretty high tolerance for drippy, predicable girly crap and this put me to shame. There are so many things to dislike about this film, even the title is convoluted. And there are so many stereotypes thrown in for good measure it makes your head spin. Men are either cheaters, commitment-phobic or gay (or at least dress as if they are). The women are spineless or slutty or overly aggressive or just plain annoying. And the cherry on top is that according to this film, (bearing in mind that Baltimore population was around 637,418 in 2009) the local population is composed of 637,409 real-estate crazed homosexuals and nine straight idiots who all know and shag each other.
I would like to add an official ‘fuck you’ to the following people…
Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo for writing what can only have been a terrible book.
Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein for adapting this garbage…
Thanks for letting me rant,
I did the rating, and the idea is, that this rom com is so offensive that if you’re male and you sit through it, then you’re automatically entitled to one free viewing of Bitch Slap with absolutely no repercussions from the wife.
Spend the voucher wisely, guys.
Until next time,