Video Game Adaptations Part 4: Doom

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I am horrified to tell you that in exactly 90 minutes we will run out of fuel and enter a sickening nosedive towards the earth. As we don’t want you to be bored for our last time on this planet, I’ve instructed the stewardess to play our in flight movie, Doom, again for you…”

“What’s that? One passenger says he’d rather be splattered all over the landscape right now than watch that film?”

Yup, it’s that bad.

I honestly, thought that Resident Evil was going to be my first rant on this theme. However, I’m sorry to say that Doom beat it to the punch (mostly because of my endless procrastinating with Resident Evil). I’m going to ask a question that I don’t expect an answer to, and it’s a question that leaps to mind a lot when watching these adaptations. It just defies belief, and I will attempt my theory as to why this happens. The question is: What the fuck is the point of adapting a property and then bashing out a third-rate film (being generous) that has very little at all to do with the property that you’re adapting, and more importantly why do you think that “your” version is better than the hugely successful game? Seriously, if you think about it, the property must have come to attention for a reason, and Hollywood being Hollywood we can be pretty certain that reason is money, so why fuck with the formula?

Doom is, in case I’m not being particularly clear so far, a fucking dreadful film. The massively successful game was a first person shooter where the intrepid space marine had, for reasons that I never bothered looking into, landed himself in a situation where he had to slaughter all the legions of Hell to escape. That’s it- that’s the plot. Space Marine, Gates of Hell are open. Shooting things with big gun. Nevertheless, there are several key features of the game that should really be present here, and not one of them is- but I’ll come to this later.

In the film version, The Rock plays “Sarge” leader of a rapid response group of space marines. Included in his motley crew are the usual stereotypical characters such as “Reaper” (Karl Urban), his sister a goody-two-shoes scientist (Rosamund Pike), and various other marine cannon fodder such as the degenerate Portman (Richard Brake- who was excellent in Outpost). Dexter Fletcher makes an appearance as wheelchair bound “Pinky”, but other than that, who really gives a rat’s ass for the characters? Anyhow, there’s an archaeological dig happening in Mars and shit has gone completely tits up. Our intrepid marines are picked off one by one by zombies monsters before the inevitable show down between Reaper and the fast transforming Sarge.

Big. Fucking. Gun. HAR DE HAR. Oh, stop it. My aching sides can't cope I'm laughing so hard.

First up, the acting in this is fine. It’s nothing great, and nobody is ever going to hand out plaudits for the performances in this film, but it isn’t bad. Secondly, the score is an annoying combination of hideous sub “Now Dance” Trance music and odious metal, which clearly blows, but seeing as film-makers seem to think that people who play games have the arrested development and mental faculties of a 14 year old boy, that’s to be expected so doesn’t really bother me. Thirdly, some of the dialogue isn’t two bad- particularly that delivered by Portman, and finally, some of the special effects (particularly the nano-wall and the arc transfer) are quite good.

That’s the upside of this shitburger dealt with.

Pathetic.

Firstly, I’m going to deal with the actual technical flaws of this film. It looks like shit, to quote Droid, it’s so fucking dark that it makes AvP:Rectum look like it was shot on the surface of the sun. I’m all for a bit of darkness to establish mood and maybe an atmosphere of dread, but what we have here is a series of gunfights that are ludicrously confusing because you just can’t see what the fuck is going on. Secondly, on this theme, you could quite easily have set this film anywhere and called it anything as the sheer lack of “Doom” imagery is astonishing. Where are the bodies hanging on hooks? Where’s the pentagrams? Why no fire? Why the fuck have you basically made a film that consists of identikit arseholes fighting pug-ugly rubber monsters in identical corridors in the dark?

Now we come round to my big complaint about this film- why bother calling it “Doom”? Basically, the whole Hell plot is completely written out, and replaced with some utter dumbness, and it’s offensively moronic without being entertaining, about unlocking human potential through injecting a serum made from “the 24th Chromosome”. What. The. Fuck. Not only is this ri-fucking-cockulous, but it’s actually more laughable than the whole Space Marine trapped in Hell idea. It’s so dumb that it defies description. Why, arseholes, would you possibly adapt a property and remove the signature feature of the property and as such produce such a milquetoast, shit, watered down, inept, mundane sci-fi film. Why on earth did you think that you know better than the games developers who, let’s face it, made a shit load of cash off Doom and Quake and know exactly what they’re fucking doing. It’s so fucking aggravating. I could accept it if the idea that they had to replace it had been a slice of deep fried gold, but this is a slice of deep fried shit.

What the fuck are we doing here?

Finally, because I can rant about this toss all day long, there’s the stupid and crass nods to the game. Watching The Rock salivate over the “Big Force Gun. BFG” before proclaiming that it’s a “big fucking gun” that he then barely fucking uses is offensive and annoying, but it hasn’t a look in as the worst thing in the film. No, that honour goes to FPS cam, an elegantly designed, clearly thought out, brilliantly storyboarded sequence shot from Reaper’s viewpoint. This is, actually, a shit idea, but what makes it worse is that instead of injecting the urgency of the game into proceedings the camera swings and dips all over the fucking place to such an extent that Mrs. Jarv had to stop watching because of fucking motion sickness. That’s right, you made a 30 year old woman, sitting on her sofa at home physically sick due to motion. Congratulations.

Guaranteed to induce motion sickness

Overall, I don’t recommend this. Actually, I bet that if we ever manage to open the actual gates of Hell then I could repel Satan’s legions by setting up a big screen with this playing and bore them so badly that they would gladly go back to doing the paperwork necessary for torturing the damned. I sorely considered giving this utter shitburger an Orangutan of Doom, but am not for three reasons: firstly, the cast is competent; secondly, this isn’t the most offensively wretched title on this list- it isn’t even top 10; and most importantly that I don’t want to put the double eye-poke fuck you angry ape in this because he’s got “Doom” in his name. Instead, because it is an obvious 0 Chang film, I went out on to the internets and just for this film I found the most crass and obnoxious thing I could for a film that plumbs the depths of stupidity- honestly this is the film equivalent of a sugared up kid screaming at his parents in the supermarket. I give you the Palin of Stupidity:

The Palin of Stupidity

That is some top photoshop work, whoever did it. Although I don’t necessarily put it past her to do something as cretinous as that.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

141 responses to “Video Game Adaptations Part 4: Doom”

  1. Droid says :

    I barely remember this movie except for the FPS cam. I forgot Karl Urban is in it. I like him for some reason. Because I can’t really think of a film he’s in that I like.

  2. DocPazuzu says :

    The Palin of Stupidity! Excellent!

    Yes, this movie is one of my most hated of all time, not even because I was (ok, still am) a rabid Doom freak, but becuase they jettisoned everything — EVERYTHING — that made Doom, well, Doom. Fucking cretinous toadstools.

    Trés simple: Jarhead with ludicrous firepower demolishing endless satanic hordes of zombies, demons, mutants and flying skulls on fire on Mars. How could you not even get that right, you miserable fucks?

    AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

    • Jarv says :

      I was never that into it. You’re reaction is my exact one to Resident Evil.

      Wankers

    • Spud McSpud says :

      Is it wrong that I would shag Palin?? I mean, I know she’s evil and all, but… I would, and I am truly embarrassed about that.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes.

        You shouldn’t molest retards- you can do some serious time for that.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        >:D

      • Spud McSpud says :

        The ability to fuck a woman you downright loathe is one of those rare qualities that not only makes us human, but makes us men.

        Thankfully, those days are gone, since I quite like Mrs-Spud-To-Be.

        I draw the line at Thatcher, though. That’s one evil world leader I would NEVER get it on with,

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Sarah Palin would be a quality hatefuck, no doubt about it.

      • Jarv says :

        Noooooo!

        She’s a retard. You can’t be shagging retards. Seriously, that’s a terrible thing to do- she’ll be there and you’ll see in her eyes that she just doesn’t understand what’s going on, and what’s happening to her then you’ll feel bad about it.

        Anne Coulter (I think that’s the bitch) on the other hand…

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Ann Coulter? Sorry, I don’t do men.

        Palin would be great. Awesome, in fact. That she’s a cretin would make it even better. I’d be first in line — y’know, if I weren’t a married man and all…

      • Jarv says :

        You’re a sick man.

        The reason I said Coulter is that I couldn’t for the life of me think of another far right witch aside from her, and at least she’s not a retard.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        I’d rather fuck evil and stupid (Palin) than evil and cunning (Coulter).

      • Jarv says :

        This can go on forever- I tend to save hate fucks for people like J-Lo who is single-handedly making me hate both Cinema and Music.

        Personally, I’d turn both Palin and Coulter over to HOD and his ever-ready wood chipper.

  3. tombando says :

    Need(s) Giant Robots(Lions?)!!!

  4. Droid says :

    Looking at Karl Urbans filmography…

    Ghost Ship – Crappy film. Don’t remember him in it.
    The Two Towers – Okay. He was fine.
    The Return of the King – Okay. He was fine.
    The Chronicles of Riddick – Crappy film. Don’t remember him in it.
    The Bourne Supremacy – He was okay but the film sucked balls.
    Doom – ’nuff said
    Pathfinder – Haven’t seen.
    Star Trek – Quite enjoyed the film and he was fine in it.
    Red – Didn’t really like the film. He was okay.
    And Soon the Darkness – Nothing wrong with his performance but the film wasn’t very good.

    Christ he doesn’t really have a very good track record does he?

    • tombando says :

      He was in Bourne Supremacy???

      • Droid says :

        He was the main super assassin.

      • just pillow talk says :

        He got smashed up in his car real good.

        He was the dude who missed his opportunity to kill the Lord Marshal, and shagging Thadie.

        Pathfinder was awful, and I can’t seem to remember having any sort of stupid fun with it either.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      Wait til you see him fuck up JUDGE DREDD, then. Yes, they’ve agreed not to take off the helmet, but fuck is the uniform ugly! It’s like they blew the budget on a decent helmet, then grabbed a second-hand biker jacket and stuck fan-made shoulder pads on it. Fucking terrible. And yes, Urban is playing Dredd.

      And I don’t count him as an actor. He’s one of those fucks who play the exact same fucking character in every movie they do. Which, in Urban’s case, is someone who frowns a lot and never, ever smiles.

      Over-rated. Oh, and DOOM does indeed suck as a movie. Apart from that one priceless line of dialogue referring to Dexter Fletcher’s character:

      “Transporter accident. He left his ass in another galaxy.”

      That aside, DOOM is utter shit.

      • Jarv says :

        Don’t talk to me about Dredd. I’m fuming about that.

        That’s my comic book blind spot. Dredd should be a fucking gimme- Jude Law as Judge Cal and a full blown Day the Law Died. Going on to eventually build up to Democracy, Block War and then Necropolis.

      • Droid says :

        I don’t really care about Judge Dredd at all. Also, I don’t see how he’s overrated. Who rates him? And he’s not that prolific either. He’s made about 10 movies since LOTR, so you can easily avoid him if you choose.

      • Jarv says :

        Well just for you-

        Imagine that they take Tintin and cast Cera complete with his actual accent. Then they decide that Snowy is too gay a dog so get a rottweiler and call it “fang”. Then, the whole hanging round with “Captain Haddock” is fucking shifty, and this film is a sausage fest so they cast Megan Fox as “Agent Lady”.

        The story then involves Tintin in his new role as part of the Belgian secret service (Licensed to kill, natch) as he infiltrates and takes down a human trafficking ring. Gunfights and ‘splosions guaranteed.

        That’s what they’re doing to Dredd. I seem to remember it’s a rehashed discarded Die Hard script as well.

      • Droid says :

        That does sound like something I’d be a tad irritable about.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a fucking travesty. At least there are examples of actual Dredd stories in the Stallone shitfest (Day the Law Died, Rico, The Angel Gang, Journey to Mega City 2 and so forth), but this shitfest has nothing. It misses the point as much as Stallone’s did.

        And, this is the one thing that I disagree with most about- it matters not that he takes his helmet off, he just has to be a soulless, robotic, bastard of a man.

        Urban is at least soulless, I suppose.

      • Droid says :

        I see why Jude Law is perfect casting then.

      • Jarv says :

        No- Jude Law as Judge Cal. Damned if I know for Dredd.

        A pathetic weasel of a man that slimes his way up to becoming Chief Judge before losing his marbles completely. He even looks like Jude Law.

      • Droid says :

        Casper Van Dien

      • Jarv says :

        He’s got the chin and the build. Not to mention lack of range

        Actually, Casper could be great as Dredd- he keeps his helmet on as well, so it doesn’t matter what colour his hair is.

      • koutchboom says :

        I love it when Jarv gets all fanboy.

      • Droid says :

        And they wouldn’t even have to instruct him to act robotic.

      • Jarv says :

        Heh.

        Provided he doesn’t have to fight a heat wave, he’ll be OK.

      • Droid says :

        Hey, he kicked that heat waves butt and then some.

        Actually, I think I pointed this out at the time, but they all could’ve simply stayed at home and waited it out instead of traipsing across LA in searing heat only for the plane to BLOW UP!!! What a crappy movie. And it’s ridiculously hot but the brother NEVER took his fucking jacket off.

      • Jarv says :

        I read 2000AD religiously, and resent the repeated bum rapings Dredd receives.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Hell yeah – there you go. Establish the Justice system and what Mega-City One is, and how it all came to be. Then get into some decent stories like DEMOCRACY, BLOCK WAR, and then NECROPOLIS. How fucking hard can it be to understand THAT??

        Though, given the choice, I’d have a spin-off Anderson movie based on SATAN (the one with that gorgeous Arthur Ransom artwork).

        Yeah, the new Dredd looks like it’ll actually have me wishing for Stallone to come back. Who’d have fucking thought??

      • Spud McSpud says :

        He’s over-rated because in interviews and articles about him, I’ve never read anyone slating Urban for his acting – yet he doesn’t do anything different. He’s a badass frowning Michael Cera-style “actor”.

        I like some of his movies, but until he does something completely different, I remain unconvinced of his so-called “range”.

      • Droid says :

        Has anyone ever accused him of having a range?

      • Droid says :

        Maybe we could have him battle mega drop bear or something.

      • Jarv says :

        That, actually is quite a good idea. He’s a kiwi, I think, so getting clobbered by Mega Drop Bear would be immensely funny. And we can ram it full of sheep shagging gags. No pun intended.

      • Jarv says :

        Not intentionally.

  5. just pillow talk says :

    I’ve never seen all of this, just bits and pieces. Nothing I saw screams out “see the whole thing!”.

    I’ll pass.

  6. Jarv says :

    Me and Mrs. Jarv were talking about Urban’s career (She’s emailed me to berate me for putting her actual age in it, and demanded that I Lucas the article to make her 25) last night, and neither of us could think of anything he’d been in, but both had an inkling that he was “alright”.

    However, looking at Droid’s list, he isn’t. He’s shit.

    Ghost Ship – Crap film, he’s a lousy villain
    The Two Towers – meh film, bland performance
    The Return of the King – crap film, bland performance
    The Chronicles of Riddick – I like this film. He was crap in it.
    The Bourne Supremacy – Droid is right- He was okay but the film sucked balls.
    Doom – servicable performance in an execrable film.
    Pathfinder – Haven’t seen.
    Star Trek – Can’t remember the film, he was meh in it.
    Red – Not seen
    And Soon the Darkness – Not seen.

    He sucks. It almost feels like he’s the go to man for a passable turn in a terrible film.

    • koutchboom says :

      Eww do your self a favor! Watch Pathfinder on an old school tv, it’ll make you wanna fucking gauge your eyes out!

    • DocPazuzu says :

      I have no problem with Urban per se, just some of the shit he’s been in. Loved him in Star Trek, though.

      He’s also quite good in a weird Kiwi horror flick called The Irrefutable Truth About Demons.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s exactly what I was trying to get at- he’s who you want for a passable performance in terrible films.

        I cannot for the life of me remember anything about Dork Trek now. I’m astonished that anyone got upset/ excited about it.

      • koutchboom says :

        I remember Dork Trek, need to see it again.

        I mean people got excited because its MOTHER FUCKING STAR TREK! But then people got upset because it’s lazy science and fast and loose with shit. I didn’t mind that I never questioned shit when I saw it, but I guess people were expecting deeper for Star Trek.

        Then I saw T4 and it was like the exact same movie…not in that plot for plot beat for beat same. But both trying to relaunch an old franchise by breathing some freash air into it. But while Star Trek got seen more in favor and the bad science was over looked was because it was so upbeat and friedly, it was nice to see a happy go lucky block buster film like that. While T4 was just another overly serious heavy handed end of days film with no joy, and it wasn’t bleak enough for that. So when silly shit happened in T4 it made it that much sillier, also T4 tried to hard to explain the science and make it seem important and that it mattered, so gaps in logic were that much more obvious because you’d told in the movie to be paying attention to it. Unlike Star Trek where its more magic than anything.

      • Jarv says :

        T4 was agonising shit though. I’m with Wolf on this one.

      • Droid says :

        I liked T4. If it was someone different than Bale I think it might’ve worked better. He brings the mood down.

      • koutchboom says :

        I don’t mind T4, I think it was the weak action set pieces. Like nothing was really that new are interesting nor inventive. Also the staggering dumb logic made it hard to take anything SUPER SUPER SERIOUS.

        I should watch both of them back to back.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        I loved Star Trek. And I usually HATE Star Trek.

      • Droid says :

        The only start to finish Star Trek anything I’d watched prior to seeing the reboot is that movie with Picard and Kirk. Christ that blew. Compared to that the reboot was awesome. In reality, it was okay. But totally forgettable.

      • Jarv says :

        Seen Khan?

        It’s not bad, easily the best of them.

      • Droid says :

        No only that Picard/Kirk one.

      • koutchboom says :

        You should check out First Contact and Kahn. Those two are good. In fact the whole first run of films were really good (though I haven’t seen 5 since it was on VHS). But I rewatched all the other ones prior to the new one coming out. I mean I guess you have to be a trekie to really like them? But I think Kahn and Contact can stand on their own.

      • koutchboom says :

        But yeah if you’ve only seen Generations then of course you think they are all shit. That one was pretty weak.

        What’s funny though, is that Malcolm got death threats afterward for killing Kirk. I wonder if he got any letters from Portugal?

      • Droid says :

        The question is, why did Malcom McDowell get death threats? Wouldn’t these lunatics target the character?

        In mildly related news, Galaxy Quest FTW!!!

      • Jarv says :

        What? Who gave Death Threats to McDowell and for what?

      • Droid says :

        According to Koutch McDowell got death threats because his characer killed Kirk in Generations movie.

      • koutchboom says :

        McDowell said after generations he got death threats from fans. I mean I bet he was just playing it up and probably knew it was in jest, its just funny because you can see that dude in your mind.

      • Jarv says :

        He’ll have been joking. McDowell lives in Britain doesn’t he? We’re not fanatical about Trek.

        Anyway, anyone can ignore a couple of shitty emails from some fucking Wotsit stained shut in that’s never seen daylight.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I don’t think McDowell was worried for his life. He was probably juse amused with how nutty the fans are. Also this was back in 1994…how many e-mails were you getting back then?

      • Jarv says :

        Me? None. I didn’t have an email address until 2000.

        That’s even funnier. The fat cunts had to send their home help out to put the greasy missives in the post.

      • Droid says :

        I don’t really have any interest in Star Trek as a rule. But I suppose one day I’ll do some stupid challenge of watching them all in a weekend or someshit.

      • Jarv says :

        You won’t make it.

        1 is shit, 2 is good, 3 is shit, 4 is shit, 5 is shit, 6 is OK, 7 is shit, 8 is OK, 9 is shit, 10 is shit, 11 is shit and 12 is OK.

        I do not get the adulation for that series.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve probably got that order wrong- basically the ones that aren’t shit are Khan, Undiscovered Country, First Contact and the remake. The rest of them are fucking awful.

      • Jarv says :

        Never got the love for First Contact. It’s meh at best for me.

        Undiscovered Country at least has an insane Shakespeare quoting Chris Lloyd. I think the worst is probably Save the fucking Whales or whatever it’s called.

      • koutchboom says :

        Man Contact was all about the Picard factor. He’s just like a major bad ass in that thing. Plus its well done, good score as well. Just watched it recently, looks good. Also its fun and loose.

        Its funny how Star Trek is set in a world were there prejudice is no more, and all races are created equal. But maybe since its all very American feeling the rest of the world hates it? Because Star Trek didn’t do good over seas. Its just funny this UNIVERSAL idea just sort of rejected by non Americans. Sure they have huge fans in other coutries and its not like it bombed, just odd I thought it would do better because of the idea. But in the end its sort of like saying America wins.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s rejected because almost without exception the films are shit It’s also preachy and pompous- I will not be lectured on fucking racism from a fucking country that only got rid of Segregation in the late 20th Century- and a lot of the rest of the world feels like that.

        Also, the fans are fucking embarrassing, virginal fat bastards like Knowles who glue fucking plastic to their heads, learn imaginary languages and then congregate together in venues that groan under the weight concentrated in one place. I’d rather own up to severe crack addiction than being a Trekkie.

      • koutchboom says :

        hahah Gene Roddenberry was from Texas. I always assumed he was British?

        Whats worse? Potter fans are Trekkies?

        Better yet…who SMELLS worse?

      • Jarv says :

        Trekkies on both, although adult Potter fans are pretty fucking creepy. Especially those middle aged women who all watch it because they want to fuck Radcliffe.

        I can never decide if they’re worse than Twihards or not.

      • Droid says :

        I’d say Twihards.

      • koutchboom says :

        Hahah no way. Twihards are made up of mostly teenage girls not fat smelly grown men. Also twihards will die out in five years. Trekkies are for life.

      • Droid says :

        Twihards are teenage girls and middle aged women.

      • Jarv says :

        The other ones that are appalling are those fucking losers that embody everything that’s bad about Fanboism- the cunts that dress up like storm troopers (the 511?) and then go and terrorise children’s wards in hospitals pretending that they are volunteering. They’re fucking despicable.

        As bad as LARPer cunts.

      • koutchboom says :

        They have these parades here, like for christmas and shit whatever. And there is a Star Wars club and they have this bad ass waving Darth Vader float! AND AND AND!!! Like a 400 pound Boba Fett! I think I got a picture somewhere. Also I think last time I saw them they gained a 350-400 pound sand person…sorry Sand People as well.

      • Jarv says :

        Like a 400 pound Boba Fett! I think I got a picture somewhere.

        Too. Fucking. Easy.

        Must. Resist.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well yeah but still……since when did teenage girls and middle age women (BOTH mind you sets of groups who are always covered with lotions and candles) become known to smell worse then grown single fat men?

        You know who probably smell the worse though, animie people. Whats up with that?

      • Jarv says :

        Feminine hygeine issues.

        The ones that will smell the worst, guaranteed- the Storm Trooper cunts. They’re all fat to begin with (don’t know that, just guessing) and all have to force themselves into plastic to go down and harrass the kids.

        You want to bet that when some unlucky bastard peels them out of the fucking suit they honk.

      • Droid says :

        Oh, we’re talking about how bad these people smell? In that case it’s definitely trekkies.

        Never got close enough to smell an anime person. To smell the man is to know the man.

      • koutchboom says :

        Actually shit I forgot about gamers as well. Now I’m not talking about you guys who play games for fun, thats fine. I’m talking about these people that play more then 15 hours of games a day.

      • Jarv says :

        Same syndrome as Dork Trekkers and Storm Troopers. It’s an esoteric subject, and true devotion requires much time at the computer. Furthermore, they’re arcehtype geeks so will inevitably stink.

      • Jarv says :

        Twihards are worse than Potter fans. I think it’s open to debate if they’re worse than Trekkies. I still give it to Trekkies because they’re obsessive as Twihards but fluent in shit like Klingon- which is a dreadful waste of time.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well Daniel’s been known to shag a couple of clydesdales in his day. Maybe they are hoping he’ll saddle up.

        You think he rides Western or English?

      • Jarv says :

        It was OK. I quite liked it and I usually detest Dork Trek. Mostly because of Trekkies doing things like learning fucking Klingon.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        GalaxyQuest is great!

      • Jarv says :

        Agreed. Galaxy Quest FTW!!!

      • Droid says :

        How the fuck has Dean Parisot only directed one movie since Galaxy Quest?

      • Jarv says :

        What was it?

      • koutchboom says :

        Fun With Dick and Jane.

      • Jarv says :

        That was shit.

        Not as bad as something like Gigli, but proper toss nonetheless.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        The fan problem is interesting. While visiting the few conventions I’ve ever been to (easily counted on one hand) I’ve found myself alternately depressed, disgusted and thoroughly annoyed. Why? Because I fucking hate fans. It’s distressing to realize that most of the people who like the same things I do are sad, deplorable, cunty anoraks. Am I like them or do I belong to a small group of exceptions? Vexing shit like this keeps me awake at night…

      • Jarv says :

        Exceptions.

        The alternative is too horrible to contemplate. Particularly considering what we all do for a hobby/ skive work and where we met.

      • tombando says :

        Few things-catching up at the end of the day as usual…

        *I generally like Trek, the shows and the films. But it’s Very much in a ‘like’ mode. I am much more of a John Wayne fan that I ever will be for Kirk/Spock/Picard etc.
        Trek needed Giant Robot (Lions) and never got’em, so–it’s second tier for me on the fandom scale.

        *Trek flicks I liked-Undiscovered Country(That had Chris Plummer as the Shakespeare Klingon), Khan, III(that was the one w/ Lloyd as a Klingon), Generations, ummmm First Contact was okay. I enjoyed the latest one too! Karl Urban as Bones was great. C’mon. He was fun.

        *Never been to a Con. Friends of mine that have gone said they went and made fun of everyone there, it was freak-show time. I think I’d go once for the heck of it then avoid it like the fuckin’ plague forever afterwards.

        *You guys are forgetting some nerds and body fluid/smell content-baseball nerds. Sabremetricians. Statborgs. Trust me–they’re Every bit as bad as any Trekkie or Lotr fanboy as you’ll ever see.

        *Sarah Palin causes shrinkage here.

        *Malcolm MacDowell received little vials of goat-semen stuck inside spock ears in the mail from what I understand. Very strange Lisbon postage.

  7. koutchboom says :

    I’ve seen Doom, but I don’t remember shit about it. Like even now trying to sit here and thinking of something….nothing. The Rock is bad that’s about it.

    • Jarv says :

      The Rock isn’t actually that bad. He’s not great, but nobody is in this film. All acting is passable- nothing stands out.

      It’s the rest of the film that’s such a fail- for example, why have something as basically cool as the nano wall and then have it “fail” at the key point in the film? Shit, lazy writing.

      • koutchboom says :

        no no no, I mean like he’s a BAD GUY, the villain if you will. Rocks always good, just because he’s the rock and ever so likable.

      • Droid says :

        Isn’t The Rock in Fast 5?

      • koutchboom says :

        BIG TIME! Looks good, may have to actually see it. I’ve missed the last two F&F. I’m glad they are hits though, hopefully Vin will get his big break again.

        Anyone else seen the directors cut of Babylon A.D.?

      • Droid says :

        I’ve seen Babylon AD. Not sure if its the DC.

        I’ve seen every F&F at the cinema. Don’t ask me why because I’m not really a fan of them. I really hate the first one. But, this obliges me to see the 5th one as well.

      • koutchboom says :

        Good. Glad you’ve found a cause in life. Its funny usually I don’t get turned off easily but F&F2 just fucking ended it for me.

        What did you think of Babylon? The DC is the one that ends and it says ‘For My Daughters’ right away.

      • Droid says :

        I actually enjoyed 2F2F. It’s shit but it’s so bad it’s good. I wondering why they didn’t get Lucas Black for the new one since they’ve got everyone else back but wiki says “Chronologically, Fast Five is the sequel of Fast & Furious and the prequel of The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.”

      • Droid says :

        Babylon AD was okay at best. I can’t remember how it ends. I think someone fired a rocket launcher at the girl. I am probably mistaken though.

      • koutchboom says :

        Hmmm yeah I sort of forget how it ends as well, but that sounds like the theatrical cut ending. Oh well either way I’ve never turned on a movie so fast. I saw the DC of the film and really enjoyed it. It was a nifty SyFy film, almost like a live action Amie film. Similar feel and vibe, it doesn’t fully work but it was a good try.

        THEN i rewatched like the last hour are so theatrical cut because I heard there were drastic changes, and there is in the last 20 are so, and I ended up fucking hating it. So it made sense that it had such shitty reviews. Like theres this nonsensical humvee chase out of nowhere and some shit. Fucking odd how that happened.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah I think I’ve seen that version because I seem to remember humvees in it.

      • koutchboom says :

        The problem with F&F 2 is that is was SHIT in the middle of probably the shittest summer of films to note. So I pretty much hate all films that came out that summer because they all sucked.

        A fun silly deversion is nice time and again, but F&F 2 was like the fifth film I’d seen that summer that was just fucking useless. Bruce Almighty/Nemo/Matrix 2/F&F2/Dumb And Dumberer 2 (don’t ask me why I saw this in theaters)/Pirates/Bad Boys 2/Le Hulk/Charlies Angles

        T3 and 28 Days Later were like the only films I enjoyed in theaters that summer. I missed Riddick.

      • Droid says :

        HULK FTW!!!

        I like Nemo and Pirates. Never seen the Dumb and Dumber sequel. Fucking loathe Charlies Angels. T3 was a disappointment.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah but you can see how all in all thats a terrible fucking summer.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah it’s pretty bad. Still, I had fun at 2F2F.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I’m wondering now that I’m away from that summer maybe I’ll like it more. Plus surronding those films I had an amazing summer traveling and shit so movies sort of blew compared to what I was doing. Also I saw Blue Man Group in Boston, and nothing tops that in terms of spectical. So as hard as movies tried they just couldn’t top it.

      • Jarv says :

        of that list:

        Bruce Almighty- shit. I hate myself that I saw that in the cinema
        Nemo- I don’t like it, but will just concede that I’m alone on that one
        Matrix 2- unquestionably shit
        F&F2- not seen
        Dumb And Dumberer 2- not seen
        Pirates- meh
        Bad Boys 2- shit
        Le Hulk- shit
        Charlies Angles- shit

        That’s fucking terrible.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I sort of hated Nemo in theaters. I’ve lightened on it since. But I think its between that and Toy Story 3 as for which is the worst pixar movie for me.

      • Droid says :

        Cars is easily the worst Pixar.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t like Nemo, but Cars is proper shit. It’s a blatant toy ad.

      • koutchboom says :

        Eh that would be a useless debate. And not the topic on hand so I’ll stay well enough away.

        But I wonder if because of how bad that summer was is the reason I never got into Pirates and F&F. But I did enjoy Charlies Angles 2, just because of how fucking nutty it was. But granted I wasn’t a fan of F&F 1 past the first viewing and I just think the whole Pirates concept didn’t interest me.

        But I like pirates in general? I don’t know, it is really odd to me why I didn’t enjoy Pirates at all until part three just because of how fucking goofy and crazy it had become. I remember leaving Pirates 3 with all these miserable fucks, my wife was pissed no one was smiling and I just had this big stupid goofy grin on my face. Like I couldn’t believe what the fuck I just saw.

      • koutchboom says :

        Pirates 3 was seriously one of the oddest fucking film going experiences of my life. Like you literaly feel the excitment and joy being sucked out of the room. You could hear the eye rolling. It was a packed house and afterward if you watched us leaving the theater you would’ve gussed someone died.

      • Droid says :

        I really like the first Pirates movie. By the third all my goodwill was well and truly gone.

        Charlies Angels 2 is diabolically awful.

      • Droid says :

        Bad Boys 2 is a pretty grotesque fucking movie. It’s so mean spirited it’s unbelievable.

      • Jarv says :

        That sums it up- Mean spirited.

        And the fucking trip to Cuba? What the fuck?

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking hate the first one, but it looks magical compared to the third.

      • tombando says :

        Bruce Almighty- saw it on TV, some of it, okay. Not a Jim Carey fan per se.
        Nemo- I like it! some funny stuff there.
        Matrix 2- It’s okay. The only Matrix flick I have, on VHS actually.
        F&F2- not seen
        Dumb And Dumberer 2- not seen
        Pirates- It’s okay, Geoffrey Rush best thing about it and series.
        Bad Boys 2- I kinda liked it, don’t need to see again.
        Le Hulk- French Hulk>Taiwan Hulk.
        Charlies Angles- Never saw it, hated first one.

        That’s 2003 for youse.

      • tombando says :

        What did Noted_Sage Xiphos think of this one?

  8. Jarv says :

    Completely forgot to say- This Doom film has killed Dead Space ever being adapted, because the monsters in this are basically the necro beasts from DS.

  9. Droid says :

    Silent Hill is on tv. This really is a great film visually. Shame it doesn’t quite work.

  10. ThereWolf says :

    Doom is a terrible movie. But I did quite like the ‘FPS’ sequence – in fact it’s the only thing I DID like in the entire miscarriage.

    Karl Urban. He’s a good bloke. Please check out a film called ‘Out Of The Blue’. “… one of those fucks who play the exact same fucking character in every movie they do…” – should be put to bed immediately after viewing. Cheers.

    Star Trek. I’m overviewing all of those movies – but not consecutively, otherwise me head’ll cave in.

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