Jarv casts his booze-sodden gaze back at 2010

Seeing as Droid has done his, and we all like these lists, I thought I’d put one up as well. Fuel for debate and whatnot.

I’ve seen nowhere near the volume of “new” films as Droid, partially because when it comes to going to the cinema I’m extremely picky but mostly because I watch a hideous amount of garbage and there are so many films out there that I don’t feel an overwhelming need to inflict new crap on myself when there’s plenty of old crap to wade through. So, therefore, this list is being done from films that I’ve actually seen. Therefore, I’m just doing a top 10 , a surprise, and a worst of the year. If a film received a Cinema Release in either the UK or the US in 2010 it’s in- so no whining.

Surprise of the Year:

Mega Shark v Crocosaurus

Defendor

I was somewhat sceptical about this, it sounded like Kick Ass to me, and Kick Ass is something that I’m all prepared to hate when I eventually get round to seeing it (see also Scott Pilgrim). However, the twist in the film that Arthur is actually a retard was exquisitely done and the end was a real kick in the bollocks. The film still wouldn’t work were it not for the superb casting of Woody Harrelson in the lead- he’s got the perfect combination of simple looks and puppy dog eyes that make you not only hugely sympathetic to the character but you also really root for him. Simply a hugely underrated and supremely enjoyable film. Droid was right.

The Top 10 Films of the Year.

With the proviso that I’ve not seen Inception (sheer laziness), I’ve had to think long and hard about the order that these come in.

10) Daybreakers

A good start to the year. Not the best film (obviously) but kudos to an intelligent and well-thought out take on the Vampire. Unfortunately it does fizzle out, and the cure itself is just plain daft, but overall, 2010 really did get off to a running start.

9)Solomon Kane

With a combination of stabbery, strong performances (notably from Postlethwaite and Purefoy), superb cinematography and a cracking story, this was a fine, fine start to the year. If I’d seen it at the start of the year and not in August. Fucking distributors. As a sidenote, a mate of mine knows one of the producers on this, and this is (great news this) part 1 of a trilogy! Fucking HUZZAH! As soon as the director finishes arseholing around with Silent Hill 2, he’s back in Howard’s world of Puritan badassness.

8)The House of the Devil

It’s been a fucking shocking year for Horror. Remake upon remake upon Torture Porn drivel. However, this film (UK release March 2010) really stood head and shoulders above the crowd. It’s essentially a film where nothing happens, but the dread mounts due to a superb performance from Jocelin Donahue who more than carries the film. It also deserves double credit for managing to withstand the temptation to slide down the Torture Porn route at the climax

7)The Crazies

I’m yet to see Romero’s original which I’m told is really good. I remain sceptical because almost everything that I’ve seen that has his name attached to it is fucking garbage. However, this remake was top drawer and kind of made me see your addiction to Timothy Olyphant. However, I then watched Hitman for my Video Game series and that went right out the window again. Nevertheless, this is a fucking good film and a pleasant surprise.

6) 44 Inch Chest

This film is not what it is sold as. In fact, I’m thinking about doing it for an underrated. The film is stocked full of superb performances from Ray Winstone, John Hurt, and Ian McShane (as a flamboyantly homosexual gangster) and was flogged as a London crime drama. It’s nothing of the sort. The nearest comparison to it that I can make (and I can’t believe this word wasn’t used about it more) is Pinteresque. If you’ve seen the Birthday Party and remember Stanley’s interrogation in it, well, that’s this film- words as weapons and dialogue that fizzes in a surreal and threatening manner. Magnificent.

5)Harry Brown

Fine, it’s basically Death Wish with pensioners and Chavs, but mother of god what a good film. Michael Caine is outstanding as the OAP avenger with emphysema and the film grimly portrays life on a shitty sink estate to the letter- particularly the fear and futility of trying to appeal for help from the useless cunts masquerading as the police force in this country. Very strong performances from Samantha Morton and the chav support combine to make a thrilling ride through urban squalor. Top film.

4)Centurion

STABBERY!!! STABBERY!!! STABBERY!!!

There was no way I was going to miss this off the list. A rollicking little film with more blood than a butcher’s floor. Superb performances from Michael Fassbender, Olga Kurylenko and most of all Dominic West as Neil Marshall takes a stab (heh) at the legend of the 9th Legion. Let that be a lesson to you, don’t fuck with the Scots.

3)The Town

Another that I was prepared to hate, and in fact it nearly made my “favourite of the year” title. Proof positive that Affleck isn’t as much of a cunt as he’s made out to be, with some strong performances (notably Pete Postlethwaite) and some cracking heist scenes. I was surprised and consistently entertained by this and thoroughly recommend it to everyone.

2) Bitch Slap

Nothing more really needs to be said about this one.

1) A Prophet/ Un Prophéte

I was prepared in advance for this being a good film, however, I wasn’t prepared for it being a great film. Having sat through the thoroughly underwhelming Mesrine, and the absolutely devastating Gomorrah just before I watched this, I have to say that I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. However, I can’t give it enough kudos, and this is the one film of 2010 above all others that I would insist is unmissable. Fucking wonderful film.

Films I’ve been too lazy to see but would probably dump Daybreakers off the bottom of this list:

4 Lions, Tropa De Elite 2 (I have to see this), Inception, The Expendables, The Rocket (hehe), Salt, Monsters

Films I’ve been too lazy to see but probably suck hairy goat balls:

Scott Pilgrim v The World, Sex and The City 2, Kick Ass, Iron Man 2, Toy Story 3, Shrek 9million,

Worst Film of 2010

I was originally going to give this to Splice, which I was inexplicably generous with on first review but has really soured in my memory not least of all because of the performance of “Human Blimp” Murphy. However, as much as it sucks (and it does), it isn’t the worst film I’ve seen that was released in 2010. Fuck you Murphy, you even fail at being the worst at something. Fat Cunt.

There was only one film I saw released this year that was worth the double eye-poke Orangutan of Doom and it can hold its head up high as being the ONLY film in the last 10 years that I’ve walked out of. Staggeringly boring, odiously pompous, completely uninteresting, I give you…

2033

What. A. Load. Of. Shit.

And to think I could have seen Centurion instead.

Right, that’s the retrospective done- I’ve persuaded Mrs. Jarv that we need to see the Hairpiece in action so Season of the Witch launches 2011 in some style.

Ciao,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

45 responses to “Jarv casts his booze-sodden gaze back at 2010”

  1. Jarv says :

    Christ, that was a marathon to do, and I’ve probably forgotten a load.

  2. Tom_Bando says :

    2033?! Never heard of it. Haven’t honestly seen many of these there Jarv save for the Town and A*P*E* (surprised you ranked that higher than Kane, but then-)

  3. just pillow talk says :

    Out of those, I’ve seen A Prophet (fucking brilliant), Centurion (fucking solid), Harry Brown (fucking great), Daybreakers (solid vampire flick).

    I keep meaning to get to 44 inch chest, it’s on my fucking instant queue for fuck’s sake.

    • Jarv says :

      44 inch chest is nothing like you expect. It’s pure dialogue mostly where they throw random words at the poor tied up bastard.

      It’s very, very much in the tradition of Pinter.

      • koutchboom says :

        But there’s a hysterical scene of a fat man running making a poo face. I hated that film, probably would’ve made an interested play though.

  4. Droid says :

    I didn’t count House of the Devil as 2010, otherwise it would be in. Good list. Have to see 44 Inch Chest and Harry Brown.

    THE YEAR OF THE WOODY!!!

    • Jarv says :

      It was indeed the YEAR OF THE WOODY!!!

      What’s he got coming this year?

      • Droid says :

        Wiki tells me that there is something called Bunraku. And a sequel to Zombieland at some stage. Otherwise he’s taking a well earned rest.

      • Jarv says :

        A sequel to Zombieland?

        Eh?

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Jarv!! You didn’t hear??

        Yep, there’s a ZOMBIELAND sequel – good news is, they’ve signed all four major leads, plus the original writers. And apparently the writers had an idea for a sequel in mind since they wrote the first movie. Downside? It might be in 3D. But all things considered, that’s a fucking great piece of movie news…

  5. Continentalop says :

    Interesting list I can’t really argue with other than Daybreakers (hated it).

    You know what was a movie that I really enjoyed this year is Megamind. Anyone else see it (I know Bart did).

    • koutchboom says :

      hahahah Conti liked Megamind!!!!!!!!! FUCK! I have to see it now.

      Conti did you catch Kick Ass?

      • Spud McSpud says :

        KICK ASS the movie was great… but the comic sucked donkey balls. Tres, tres bad. Fuck Mark Millar and his juvenile teen fantasies…

  6. koutchboom says :

    Ohhh Postlethwaite was in Kane…GOOD JOB fucking useless internet fucks.

    Jesus he most’ve known the end was soon. Clash/Kane/Town/Inception probably like five others he knew he needed to provide for his family.

  7. redfishybluefishy says :

    yeah, i didn’t much like Daybreakers, but The Crazies was pretty good.

    Much of your list I haven’t seen, but there’s a few that I really must. I’ll get on that….

    • koutchboom says :

      I liked Daybreakers more then the Crazies. Crazies was ok, didn’t need to see it in theaters though. Wasn’t as scary as I was hoping. But the sound design in Daybreakers was fucking bad ass in theaters. I don’t care about the cure, nothing will ever be good enough for anyone so I thought it was interesting at least. Also it had a sweet blood orgy.

      Oh yeah and Crazies kind of lossed it for me in the final truck stop scene, that got way to contrived scary movie character logic, is that makes sense. Also there were a few scenes before hand as well that I had that issue with.

  8. ThereWolf says :

    Was on the fence about ‘Daybreakers’ but the more I recall, the less I like it. Much prefer ‘The Crazies’.

    I do want to see ‘The Town’ and like I said over on Droid’s 2010 line-up, a few of the others are on my Lovefilm list. I’ll have to look out for ‘House Of The Devil’ too, forgotten about that one…

  9. Spud McSpud says :

    HARRY BROWN scared the shit out of me. Outstanding movie. And as a fanatical dyed-in-the-wool R E Howard megafan, SOLOMON KANE impressed the hell out me. They nailed the character down, the backdrop was gritty and visceral enough, there was solid support from all concerned, and James Purefoy made a Somerset accent sound badass!! He could be the most under-rated actor of his generation. I met him once, in my only scene as an extra EVER, and he’s a fuckin’ gent.

    DEFENDOR, THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL CENTURION (PINT-SIZE STABBERY!!) and THE CRAZIES are all on my solid to-watch list. I got bought THE CRAZIES for Christmas, so that’s up soon.

    And yes, dumb cure aside, DAYWALKERS was one of the most imaginative takes on vampires I’ve seen in ages. The supreme irony is that I was recommended this by a mega-TWILIGHT fan that unfortunately I am related to. It’s her only major character flaw, but what a fucking flaw…

    So – great fucking job there, Jarv. We are very much in agreement (though I tend to enjoy the mainstream stuff too).

    Oh, and SCOTT PILGRIM did indeed suck balls. Biggest disappointment since the ending of LOST. What the FUCK was all the fuss about?? Meh…

    • koutchboom says :

      I didn’t like Defendor all that much. It was OK but I prefer Special and Kick Ass much more.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Ah yes, but you reckoned without my love of the Dennings. I absolutely LOVE me some Kat Dennings, plus – Woody Harrelson in full effect. What’s not to love??

      • koutchboom says :

        Spud have you googled Kat Dennings leaked pics lately?

        But also she looked like trash in that film.

  10. MORBIUS says :

    The closer I read towards your #1 pick I thought
    you would mirror the Ginger Whingers top film,
    but alas twas not to be . . .

    The Prophet instead of SCOTT FUCKING PILGRIM SAVES THE FUCKING WORLD . . . .

    Harold has had a hard-on for it since Day One.

  11. tombando says :

    I just saw True Grit–I liked it plenty. Great stuff there all around. And I thought a faithful remake of the movie as much as the book, too. Nothing wrong w/ it at all, plus you get a nice turn by Mssrs. Pepper, Brolin and the kid there to boot. I recommend this one.

    Nothing is gonna replace Superstar John Wayne(TM) from the first one from ’69, but Bridges is great here. By all means see it if you haven’t.

    • koutchboom says :

      I know right? It felt like I was watching the original ALL over again?

      • tombando says :

        It was a better movie overall, me thinks Koutchie. I’m the biggest Wayne fan here–am pretty sure of it–and I think he’s tops–but I enjoyed watching what the Coen bros did. This was a highly enjoyable film.

      • koutchboom says :

        I like them both pretty much the same. I like the way the original ends a lot better though.

  12. tombando says :

    I see Harold spooged over Scott Pilgrim as his #1 film of last year, and A Serbian Film is #6. What an asshat.

    • Jarv says :

      I thought you were joking with that so looked. Fat fucking prick.

      Not to mention that bollocks about “Spanish fascination with Westerns”

      Theseus no such thing aside from that a LOT of spaghetti westerns were shot in Andalucia.

      Has the fat Cunt been to Spain?

      • tombando says :

        I think he in fact has–Harold went to some film festival set in Barcelona a few years back.

        As for me—I only caught the first few minutes of Scott Pilgrim online, doesn’t look like it’s something I’m going to be watching soon.

        A Serbian Film-Jarv I forget what you think of it, but as for myself–that’s a POS premise and I’m just N*O*T* going to subject myself to it nor give the fuckheads who made it a centilla for it.

        ‘Gee I’ll show someone raping a newborn. That’ll work.’

        Fuck. OFF. And fuck off Harold.

  13. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    Nice list. Daybreakers, Harry Brown, 44 Inch chest. tres good 🙂

    However I found Centurian left me cold. Cheesy predictable stuff unfortunately.

    Still, nice list

  14. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    Oh yeah, and The Crazies! I fucking loved that film! Forgot about it until now. Should have been on my list.

  15. DocPazuzu says :

    Great list, and I find myself in agreement to a frightening degree (at least concerning the films I’ve seen).

    I, too, thought I was going to hate Daybreakers but found myself really enjoying it even if the last ten minutes were a bit “OK, wait… huh?”

    As a huge Howard fan (who also wrote a Master’s on Howard’s Conan stories) I was prepared to loathe — LOATHE! — Solomon Kane, especially after watching the heinous Mutant Chronicles (produced by the same people who own the rights to Howard’s stuff), but holy shit what an awesome flick! Everything was pitch perfect. The hint that this could end up a trilogy is the best news I’ve heard in ages.

    As for Ben Affleck, he was put on alert that he might be eligible for my Cool Book after I had watched the fantastic Gone Baby Gone, but after The Town there is no longer any doubt: Ben Affleck has more than redeemed himself for the cack he’s been involved in over the years. The Town, a fantastic fucking movie, has confirmed Affleck as a true directorial talent. His acting wasn’t bad either.

    On a personal note, I have to add Piranha 3D as one of my faves of the year. I haven’t seen so many hilarious kills, gratuitous gore and shameless titty in a movie theater since I was 14 in 1981. I almost shed a tear of gratitude when a paragliding Gianna Michaels plopped tits-first into the lake right into the camera. In 3D. Thank you, Jesus. Any movie in which Eli Roth’s head is crushed between two boat hulls like a ripe melon deserves support. Piranha 3D is indeed a thing of rare, retarded beauty.

    • Jarv says :

      I thought about adding Piranha instead of Daybreakers- Juggs, gore and whatnot.

      However, in the end, I passed for a few reasons:

      1) The climb across a rope where one person panics and it sinks inexorably towards the water. I’ve now seen this done in more films than I care to think about, and I want it retired almost as much as I want the cliché in zombie movies where one character is bitten and then conceals it from the others.

      2) Neither of the kids died, and they were a pretty sickening bunch

      3) Whatshername out of Gossip Girl bugged the living shit out of me.

      4) Daybreakers did at least breathe some life back in to Vampire films- it was a valiant attempt with a frankly stupid finale. However, this is on the proviso that I fully expect 4 Lions, HTTYD, Salt, Inception or Tropa 2 to dump it off the list.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Yes, those kids were hateable enough. I agree on the rope scene. It would have been much improved by having the fish jump up and bite Kelly Brook’s clothes off instead.

      • Jarv says :

        Would have improved it immeasurably.

        At some point I have to do my list of things I never want to see again.

        Still, I did enjoy it.

      • koutchboom says :

        The dumbest thing in Daybreakers was the good friend turning on them toward the end. I remember reading somewhere after that if they could ban that from all movies for a while.

  16. DocPazuzu says :

    “You’ve failed to maintain your weapon, son.”

    Harry Brown FTW!!!

  17. Jacob Black says :

    Interesting readm thanks for posting.

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