Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Mega Shark v Crocosaurus
That shark’s gone nuclear!!!
Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs out of 4. Even dumber than the original and as a result much more amusing
Ohmigod! What an awesome idea. I do believe that nobody aside from a creative genius could take a concept as mundane as a Giant fucking Shark and come up with a film where it fights A GIANT FUCKING CROCODILE!!! Especially when you consider that not so long ago the aforementioned Shark was standing toe to toe with A GIANT FUCKING OCTOPUS!!! What sort of mastermind could possibly squeeze a sequel out of that masterpiece? Well, sit back, crack open a beer and let me tell you how it goes down…
I’m one of the few people on the planet with anything positive at all to say about Mega Shark v Giant Octopus, which I gave an inexplicably lenient review to here (actually my first review for this site), but I do have to concede that at the end of the day, it ain’t good. It must, however, have made some money back because those geniuses at Asylum have decided that one MEGA SHARK film just didn’t hack it and therefore we needed a sequel- except what animal could stand up to the mighty prehistoric fish?
Well, the answer to that isn’t as you might expect, a giant fucking dinosaur of a croc. No, it is in fact Steve Motherfucking Urkel!!! Ever wonder what happened to Jaleel White after family ties ended? No, me neither. Well, this film provides the answer to the question that nobody asked in anything more than idle curiousity. He was actually in a secret government training program designed to turn out top quality Shark doctors that are able to repel GIANT FUCKING SHARKS with nothing more than a doctored hamster ball. Also putting in a sterling appearance here are former British World Champion Middleweight Boxer Gary Stretch (more famous for banging Raquel Welch than his boxing, and certainly his acting) as ace African Crocodile Hunter Nigel (?) Putnam, Robert Picardo as a cigar smoking navy bigwig and Sarah Lieving as “Agent Hutchison” the most entirely pointless woman ever to be seconded into the Secret Service. For the record, and to save me time later, all the acting in this film is downright risible. Stretch has just jumped to number 2 in my wish list of actors equipped to play Buzz Armstrong, intrepid (but clueless) leader of the Astrodykes as a direct result of his performance here. He’s in if we can’t get Klein.
Plotwise, I suppose I’d really explain what happens here. Apparently the Shark won the fight at the end of the last film and utterly pwnd the giant Octopus. However, Urkel is a fucking genius and has a “shark attractor” that’s made out of a hamster ball and a flashing light that he believes will control/ repel the shark. In the meantime, somewhere in Africa, a mining guy (in a hilarious “noble savage” scene) has blundered into the lair of the crocosaurus. He’s brilliantly squished. It turns out, through a freakish and terrible coincidence that the shark and the croc have laid their eggs in the same place and therefore need to have a fucking throwdown to sort things out. Film ends on big throwdown when they fall into a volcano locked together. Which was rather careless now I come to think about it.
The writing in this sequel is actually worse than it was in the original, and therefore much, much more amusing. The simply magnificent exchange between Stretch and Urkel when Stretch points out that he’s more black than Urkel, to which he’s rebuffed with something about “exploiting African villages” was probably meant to be a profound piece of social commentary, but is instead hilariously inept. The other shining moment of sheer dumbness in the film is roughly half way through when the shark swallows a Nuclear Submarine whole, which prompts Picardo to utter the line that I used for the quote for this film. Fucking BRILLIANT this now means that the navy cannot shoot the shark as it may explode and obliterate all life on the planet so they must find a way to get it to fight the crocodile. They also, hilariously, try to assign motivation to the animals (the eggs) which while comically bad is far better than the “born to fight” nonsense from the first film. Finally, they show absolutely no regard for world geography. They move from the mid-Atlantic to Panama to California to Hawaii in less time than it takes me to go and get a pack of smokes. And I live above the shop. This is downright hilarious.
The effects, once again, are crap. There’s nothing as show-stopping as the Golden Gate Bridge chomp in the first film, and the Crocodile in particular seems to have absolutely no weight at all, but at least this time there aren’t endless repetitions of the same piece of CGI. Still, it’s part of the charm of these films that the effects blow.
The real improvement from the original, though, is that I wasn’t bored at any point in the film. This is probably down to the fact that every time I started to feel boredom approaching something colossally stupid would happen or someone would say something staggeringly dumb and I’d get at least a chuckle.
Overall, I can’t really be sure whether or not to recommend this. I certainly enjoyed it, because I was drunk, but it is a hugely stupid and shoddy film. It’s better than the first film, and it is in its own retarded way entertaining, but at the end of the day Mega Shark v Crocosaurus is still an Asylum film and we all know that they just lack bite.
Until next time,