What the fuck? Adults of the Corn? Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return

This fucking series is melting my brain. Seriously. I’ve waded through 5 sequels now and they range from the giddy heights of quite good to the wretched nadir of the angry ape territory. This is the worst of the lot of them, and it was a proper chore to get through. I considered part 4: The Gathering to be as low as this series could sink, but was completely wrong on that score.

I’m just going to rant a bit about this one, so it’s not really going to be a proper review.

My problems with this abject toss really are insurmountable. For a start, the mythology of Gatlin was clearly defined in one unavoidable sense: He who walks behind the rows coerces children to worship him. When a child turns 19, one of “his” requirements is that you off yourself. So, guess how many kids are in Children of the Corn 666? None. Not fucking one. Every single character is over 19.

Secondly, I can understand the lure of Isaac, if you were going to do something as hugely stupid as make a Children of the Corn sequel. Isaac is the iconic villain of the piece. However, unfortunately for the makers, Isaac was crucified, launched into the stratosphere and then his body was taken over in the first film. The little cunt is very, very dead. He’s as dead as an X-Factor winner’s career 3 months after the series ended. In the words of Monty Python he is an ex-character. He has not, and I can’t emphasise this enough, been lying in a flaming coma for 19 years (much like I wish I had rather than watching this crap).

Thirdly, Isaac was in his very early teens in Children of the Corn. He was not, and I can’t stress this enough either, boffing the other kids. Not only is this a gross idea, and it’s a really gross idea, but it makes fuck all sense because boffing each other is “adult” behaviour. Furthermore, his boff-ee did not have a son. That son is not the manifestation on Earth of He Who Walks Behind the Rows.

OOOOOH! CORNFIELDS!! OOOOOH!!! Just fuck off.

Fourthly, the town of Gatlin cannot be populated by survivors of the first film for the several reasons including that very few children survived the first film, those that did survive went to the next town along and got cleaned out in the second film, and that, if, and it’s a huge if, there were other kids that had survived then they would, if still into the stupid cult religion, have offed themselves when they turned 19. I’m all for binning continuity (see the Leprechaun series for how to do it) but for fuck’s sake this is outrageous.

Just in case I’ve not been clear: this is a shitty fucking film. It’s a pathetic cash in, and it is also an enormous waste of celluloid, being boring, irritating, nonsensical and otherwise garbage.

"I was old, needed the money, they promised me nobody would see it"

It’s 19 years after Children of the Corn didn’t rock anyone’s world when Hannah (Natalie Ramsey) returns to Gatlin to find her birth mother. Gatlin is now populated by the adult survivors of the original film who apparently are still in the cult waiting for Isaac to awaken and lead them to glory/ boredom. Included amongst this group of cretins that thought Jim Jones didn’t quite have the stones to follow through with things are Nancy Allen and Stacey Keach working hard to pay the mortgage. Anyhoo, eventually John Franklin’s Issac does wake up, looking somewhat like the bastard lovechild of a hobbit and a boxing glove with a really creepy voice, and killings and whatnot start. Franklin, actually and I didn’t know this until about 3 minutes ago, had a hormone disorder and was in his 20’s when the first film was made. Wow.

That, by the way, is the most interesting thing you’ll hear in connection to this film.

A quick summary of the merits as I’ve already pissed away far too much bandwidth on this shit:

  • Writing: As described above- nonsense and wank
  • Acting: By everyone that isn’t called Franklin- wank
  • Direction: Confused
  • Interest: Minimal
  • Boob Sighting: Nary even a sideboob. Despite a sex scene
  • Gore: A bit.

There is the aforementioned sex scene in this one, which momentarily perked my interest up, but nary a boob sighting. A few of the kills are messy scythe slashings, but mostly I have to say this is a boring, annoying and pointless waste of time.

"I'm angry because I'm short"

Overall, I do NOT recommend this. It’s toss. It’s a tediously cynical mortgage paying exercise by all involved and unfortunately didn’t bomb hard enough to kill the series stone dead. The final nail in the pisstaking coffin of this wretched excuse for a film, is that they completely botched the ending in a piss-poor attempt at leaving it open for a sequel. I’ve now only got Revelation and  the Remake to go, and will bet that both of them are better than this wank. It gets the Double Eye-Poke Fuck You Orangutan of Doom.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

5 responses to “What the fuck? Adults of the Corn? Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return”

  1. Tom_Bando says :

    Holy shit-BOTH Nancy Allen AND Stacy Keach are in this festering dungheap? Wowsers! They REALLY needed the work, didn’t they-?!

    Jarv is in the process of Repeatedly taking’em for the team here. We should give him a medal (or at least a free pass to Spain) for it.

  2. Xiphos0311 says :

    It sounds like Jarv has been corned holed by this series.

  3. ThereWolf says :

    ‘… Franklin had a hormone disorder and was in his 20′s when the first film was made.’

    What the fuck?! Consider me staggered.

    Surely it can’t get any shitter than this one…

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