*H*I*G*H*L*A*N*D*E*R*P*A*L*O*O*Z*A* Highlander- There can be only one!

Welcome to Highlanderpalooza.

I don’t know what happened, maybe everyone was jealous of my well-earned Golden Chang for the ridiculous Challenge of the Year, so we’ve all decided to enter the brain cell devastating race to the bottom that is all 5 Highlander films.

Yes, you read that right. All 5 of them. Your audacious Changians are plumbing hitherto undreamt of depths of human misery and we’re documenting it here.

Continuing for every day this week, there will be one fresh Highlander review (with the exception of part 2), supplied by me. So with no further ado, let’s launch HIGHLANDERPALOOZA 2010 with the first film…

Highlander was Russel Mulcahy’s 1986 American debut about sword fighting immortals who are killing each other purely because there can be only one. The last one standing will receive some sort of awesome god-like power. The film skillfully (ha!) mixes historical recreation of dubious quality with modern-day stabbery to create a blend that can only be described as 7 shades of awesomeness.

Christopher Lambert plays Connor Macleod (of the Clan Macleod- which seems to me, being of Scots blood and actually knowing what my clan is, one of those imaginary clans made up to flog credulous yank tourists overpriced Scottish plastic tartan tat. You know, like the McGoldsteins. Except, unbelievably it is actually legit- it’s from the Western Isles where men are men and sheep are frankly petrified) who hides as an antique dealer called Nash. The plot, such as it is, of Highlander involves selected highlights of his life and the preparations for the final showdown against The Kurgan. What this amounts to, in practice, is a gloriously stupid excuse for stabbery, decapitations and terrible 1980’s special effects.

I like this film. It’s hilarious. The script is pretty shitty in a really good way containing loads of hilarious (and endlessly quotable) dialogue-“He’s a Highlander, by God, and the last sound he hears should not be that of a wailing woman!”- of the psuedo-macho and overly testosterone-driven variety. The plot itself makes no sense at all, however, but it really doesn’t matter- all we care about is that it maneuvers our protagonists into situations where they have to cut off each other’s heads. Highlander may be consummate stupidity, but it’s a shit load of fun.

The casting and acting are monumentally terrible. Who in their right mind would cast a Frenchman, Christopher Lambert as a Scot, and the archetype Scot , Sean Connery, as an originally Egyptian but current Spaniard? It’s absurd, and a lot of the fun in it is watching the truly wrong performances they put in. To be fair, Connery is clearly loving every moment of it playing Ramirez, and get some great lines such as “You have the manners of a goat, and smell like a dungheap” or the simply awesome haggis exchange. Nevertheless, the acting plaudits go to Clancy Brown as the evil Kurgan. A real bastard, who apparently if victorious will damn humanity. This is a stomping turn, all malevolent evil and untamed savagery. The exchange with the priest, “forgive me father, I am a worm” is in particular outstanding. It’s a great turn from the big man. Roxanne Hart gives female support and is just “there”. She doesn’t contribute much but doesn’t stink up the screen either.

Anyway, that’s enough of the psuedo-critical nonsense. This film is enormously stupid, and yet who gives a fuck? I don’t. I’ve seen it countless times, and even watching it this evening I giggled all the way through it. Highlander is about sword fighting, stupidity, awesomeness, sword fighting, decapitation, unintentional comedy and awesomeness. A large part of this, actually, is down to the soundtrack. I normally dislike Queen for being overblown nonsense, but I do have to say that when on soundtrack duty they were consistently brilliant. The music here is absolutely bombastic, and hugely theatrical but gives the film an enjoyably epic feel.

Then there’s the sword fighting itself. It’s hours of fun. There are numerous lengthy battles in Highlander, and each one ends with a decapitation and then some truly ridiculous special effects. Rubbish looking electricity spirals round the survivor, and in the climactic fight in particular forms into a big dragon (eh?) that pummels Macleod. That makes nary a jot of sense, but who gives a fuck, it’s all in good fun. Even better for those that like these type of things, like me, you can see the fucking wires that are supporting Lambert as he circles in the air. Although, I do have to say that I’m being a bit unfair as the effect with the big windows shattering on cue is fun and impressive. It’s only a simple effect, but it really makes me feel that something truly epic is happening.

Overall, this is a stomping film. I’m not giving it a maximum, because it is extremely silly stuff, however I am going to give it 3.5 Changs out of 4. It’s fucking outrageously entertaining and a glorious slice of dumbhouse.

Highlander is an amazing film, where all of the constituent parts are completely wrong, but somehow these shoddy and ill-fitting components combine into an absolute masterpiece of pure fun and frolics. Top drawer stuff, and I’m really glad to come back to it again after a few years.

Tomorrow night in HIGHLANDERPALOOZA! is the frankly fucking awful Highlander 2: The Quickening. Several of us are getting drunk and ill-advisedly live-chatting it. If you want to join in, feel free- the fiasco starts at 8pm English time.

So, until then remember that there SHOULD have been only one!

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

186 responses to “*H*I*G*H*L*A*N*D*E*R*P*A*L*O*O*Z*A* Highlander- There can be only one!”

  1. Jarv says :

    Well, that’s it launched.

    No turning back now…

  2. Franklin T Marmoset says :

    Highlander, I think, is the perfect example of what I’m looking for every time I watch some cheap piece of schlock – something that’s obviously daft but is nevertheless endlessly entertaining, and something that can rise above the limitations of its budget and genre and deliver 90 to 120 minutes of mindless fun.

    Great film, I always enjoy it. It was good to see it again tonight.

    • Jarv says :

      Totally agree.

      It should be a catastrophic disaster- A scot playing a spaniard, a frog playing a scot, incomprehensible stuff about immortals, gratuitous fighting and general awesomeness.

      Really enjoyed it again.

  3. Franklin T Marmoset says :

    It’s been awhile since I’ve seen this one, and I was surprised by some of the film’s funnier moments, like the duel scene and the bit where The Kurgan is driving around with the old lady. I had totally forgotten about those.

    And you’re right, Clancy Brown is fucking awesome in this film. What a great villain.

    • Jarv says :

      Yeah, he’s awesome in it.

      I really like his reaction when Brenda hits him on the back with a pipe at the end and the look on his face is fucking hilarious.

  4. Jarv says :

    Oh, you are aware that this is the peak?

    • Franklin T Marmoset says :

      No, I’m pretty sure it just gets better and better from here.

      As much as I enjoyed Highlander just now, I couldn’t help thinking the one thing missing from the film was a bunch of crazy space alien shit. I mean, I like sword fights as much as the next guy, but what a film like this really needs is a gang of space bird-men flying around on Marty McFly’s hoverboard.

      • Jarv says :

        I feel unconvinced by this.

        I say that as someone who has seen it.

      • Franklin T Marmoset says :

        Stop trying to bring me down, man. I know it’s shit, you know it’s shit, the whole world and several planets in other galaxies with compatible DVD technology know it’s shit.

        BUT IT’S HIGHLANDERPALOOZA! I plan on enjoying this until at least the fourth film. Or possibly the third one.

      • Jarv says :

        Sorry Frank.

        Just trying to point out that this is a challenge that we’ve got to be mentally equipped for, else we will be defeated at an early stage.

      • Franklin T Marmoset says :

        Intestinal fortitude will definitely be needed.

        The tremendous amount of booze I’ve got chilling in the fridge for tomorrow night won’t hurt, either.

      • Jarv says :

        Indeed.

        Preparations are currently being made.

  5. Franklin T Marmoset says :

    From Wikipedia:

    In the scene following the one in which Connor takes the Kurgan’s head, director Russell Mulcahy had originally envisioned an animated dragon with the Kurgan’s battle helmet emerging from the Kurgan’s decapitated body and challenging Connor again. Only after Connor had defeated this Ghost-Dragon would he have received the final quickening and subsequent Prize. This idea was eventually cut due to budget constraints.

    Good job they ditched that idea. Can you imagine how terrible would that would have looked with the standard of visual effects this film had?

  6. Continentalop says :

    You know what image sums up this movie? That opening scene when the Fabulous Freebirds wrestle the High Flyers and the Tonga Kid.

    That sets up the entire mood of this film. You’re in for a grudge match of heels vs babyfaces and you know it is fake but could care less because it is so audacious.

    • Jarv says :

      Actually, it’s just before that- I was trying to find a jpeg of it but it’s perfect:

      One of the wrestlers is banging his head repeatedly on the corner of the ring.

      It’s a grudge match that may possibly be slightly concussed.

  7. Droid says :

    “Have you ever played chicken?”

    CLANCY BROWN FTW!!!

    I haven’t seen Highlander for a long fucking time. I barely remembered any of it. Fucking hell it’s gloriously stupid. I thought the crap effects were actually pretty decent. For crap effects.

    And would it have been so hard for Angus Macloed to have released Connor from the stocks before making him tramp halfway across scotland? Seems like a waste of some perfectly good stocks.

    There is only one, right?

    • Jarv says :

      It’s the wires on Lambert. Honestly, they’re unbelievably blatant.

      They’re fun effects- crap but entertaining.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        How is HIGHLANDER the only movie in SF history to NOT want to CGI airbrush out those unbelievably obvious wires on one of its anniversary releases?? Would have cost PEANUTS to do that, and it really, REALY irks me. That, and that none of the effects for when he receives the Prize make any fucking sense! What the hell are all these weird cartoony spectres flying around? Was the Prize being possessedf by every ghost in the first season of THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS??

        That aside, HIGHLANDER is a piece of 80s perfection, and whenever ITV2 show it (most nights in the Midlands), I have to watch it to the end every time. Absolute genius.

        I have a kick-ass idea to get past the Prize restrictions that actually makes sense – AND a way to reboot this franchise without remaking it. Think STAR WARS: LEGACY. And that if I can find out who owns the rights to these things, I’d probably get to submit the script for a decent bottle of red and some peanuts. How else do you explain THE SOURCE??

      • Jarv says :

        See above Spud. The dragon thing was meant to spring out of The Kurgan’s neck and fight on. As it is, it just looks cool for no apparent reason.

        Wires. Hehehehehe

  8. Droid says :

    And how the hell is Connery back for the sequel? Immortal or not, getting your head lopped off by a psychotic punk rock russian is pretty conclusive.

    • Jarv says :

      Have you not seen it?

      Oh boy, I could explain, but it’s mind-meltingly cretinous.

      • Droid says :

        I’ve seen it, once, when it first came out. I remember a grand total of zero except that somehow the earth has some sort of protective shield or some bollocks.

      • Franklin T Marmoset says :

        Highlander is definitely a film that shouldn’t have had a sequel. I mean, the story is done at the end of part one, nowhere left to go.

        But those lunatic bastards found a way! And we will drunkenly bear witness to its awe-inspiring insanity tomorrow night!

        HIGHLANDERPALOOZA WILL RETURN!

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Oh, THAT explanation. Fucking hell. At that point, HIGHLANDER 2 jumped the shark-nuked fridge, ran out of the room shrieking “LOGIC BE DAMNED!!” like a horny imbred banshee, and became… LEGEND!!

        You have been warned. After HIGHLANDER 2, nothing will EVER be the same. EVER.

        This movie makes the Prequel Trilogy look competent…

      • Spud McSpud says :

        I will say only one more thing…

        “Shithead? What is shithead?”

        I can’t believe we’re doing this. I’m gonna need all the booze in the house to get me through this…

      • Jarv says :

        Huzzah!

        You in Spud?

        Excellent. 8PM. Welcome to HIGHLANDERPALOOZA!

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Hopefully, fellow Highlanderpaloozers. I have an errand or two to run, but – God and Connery willing – I shall catch up! Plus, that booze ain’t gonna drink itself…

      • Jarv says :

        I may try to watch The Sorcerer first, I know this is out of order, but I seem to remember The Sorcerer pretending that the Quickening doesn’t exist. Which means that I can watch all four of these films while Mrs. Jarv is out being educated and not get a clobbering.

        Her mood with low grade cinema is poisonous at the moment due entirely to The Zombie Wars.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, that’s cheating Jarv. You gotta suffer the pain the same way everyone else does.

      • Jarv says :

        Right. Fine.

        Is anyone else in on this likely to be on the receiving end of angry Latina vengeance?

        Eh?

        I suppose me getting an absolute kicking is all part of the fun for you all?

      • Droid says :

        Of course it is.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t see why I have to suffer twice when everyone else only suffers once. I think you should all have to do two weeks of it instead.

        Mind you, Frank is running that risk as well.

      • Droid says :

        You play the hand you’re dealt. No one forced you to beg Mrs Jarv to marry you.

      • Jarv says :

        You stick to poking blind, hammered swamp donkeys and I’ll stick with Mrs. Jarv thanks.

      • Droid says :

        Nah, not a fan of English chicks.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes, but to quoth kenny baker in a wheelie bin:

        You play the hand you’re dealt.

      • Droid says :

        I think you’re like Bender and you require acohol to function properly, because this is getting worse and worse. Hope you’re in better form tonight.

      • Jarv says :

        The monkey’s overexcited again in the Rec Room.

        You’re on poop shovelling duty.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Highlander Too is one of the most gloriously STOOPID wrong-turn excuses for a sequel you will ever see.

      Make it a double.

  9. Jarv says :

    HIGHLANDERPALOOZA will reconvene with added beer and bonus inexplicable Aliens, with a garnish of Ironside

  10. Tom_Bando says :

    I watched this once-it was alright, and as Noted_Sage Jarv saithe, and I quothe–It should be a catastrophic disaster- Indeed.

    A fave Connery line: Womack! I Shuudt haff Gueshtt! You Peesh off SHIT-ah–“

  11. Tom_Bando says :

    Jarv’s agony in watching Highlander Too will not QUITE reach the subliminal (if ridiculous) heights of Thundercrack–but doused w/ enough Suds—it’ll be a joy to read his ruminations. I think.

  12. Joachim Boaz says :

    I can’t wait for the other reviews in this series! These movies get atrocious REALLY quickly after the first!!

    Have you reviewed Sean Connery’s Zardoz?!?! I think it’s right up your alley! It’s fucking awful but hilarious in such a weird way.

  13. Jarv says :

    I’m cautiously looking forward to this now. I’ve got Monkey Flu.

  14. DocPazuzu says :

    “Hi, I’m Candy.”

    “But of course you are…”

    I LOVELOVELOVE Highlander. Nice to see all you wonderful guys feel the same way about it. The first film is schlock perfection, something cunts like AssLives will forever be too stupid to understand, much less enjoy.

    I’ve always found it sad and vaguely disturbing that even though the original film was shortened by quite a bit on its initial U.S. run in order to minimize confusion (several flashbacks were deleted), asshats like Leonard Maltin still described Highlander as “a time-travel movie”. What. A. Cunt.

    Just out of curiosity, how are you gents going to deal with Highlander 2’s different versions? There’s the original theatrical version (awful), the video version (abysmal), the Renegade Edition (vile) and the fan-edited compilation DVD (all over the interwebs) that includes every single bit (awful, abysmal and vile)?

    Astoundingly, Ironside, Connery AND Virginia Madsen all brought the suck to Highlander 2. Good luck, gents.

    • Franklin T Marmoset says :

      We’re going with the original, crazy space aliens from the planet Zeist version. You know, for the full-on lunatic experience.

      I tried to get hold of that fan edit with no luck, which is a crying shame.

      • koutchboom says :

        FUCK I just realized I may no longer have my copy of Highlander 2. Hrmmm.

      • Franklin T Marmoset says :

        And just in case anyone needs reminding…

        TONIGHT! AT 8PM ENGLISH TIME!

        Witness at least three people who should probably have better things to do put the DERP in HighlanDERPalooza as we do a live drunken chat during Highlander II: The Quickening.

        It is the idiotic event of the year!

      • Droid says :

        It is true. We really should have better things to do. Instead, we have Highlanderpalooza.

      • Jarv says :

        We should.

        And it is pretty dumb.

    • koutchboom says :

      I love how they ended up destroying that building at the end because of all the water on it.

      • Jarv says :

        It is hilarious. How they basically trash all electricity, a 30ft neon sign and a water tank and no fucker in New York notices

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, but it looks fucking awesome. And it’s NY at night in the 80’s. Everyones at the disco, snorting epic lines off charlie of a grimy shitstained toilet seat and dancing like a tiny lunatic monkey to Devo.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Yeah, the only ‘tards not enjoying NY 80s night life are people like that Travis Bickle wannabe goon in fatigues driving around with a Mac 10 looking for sword-wielding immortal giants to fill with lead. Well, Kurgy set him straight.

      • Droid says :

        I like the realism of that bloke just laying there excitedly talking hours after he got lifted off the ground by a great big bloody sword through his gut.

      • Jarv says :

        Silly fucker asked for it, in my opinion.

  15. Jarv says :

    Time Travel? what? it’s perfectly fucking clear. There’s no hope for some people.

    To avoid the confusion with The Quickening, we’ve gone for the Klaxxon version available on Stagvu amongst other places.

    I have a horrible feeling that it’s the theatrical version.

    Are you around for part 2 of HIGHLANDERPALOOZA? the booze fuelled catastrophe?

    • DocPazuzu says :

      Where does one go on the ‘tubes in order to listen in on said rumpus?

      • Droid says :

        Cock up ahead.

        A San Francisco road sign?

      • Jarv says :

        Ha!

        No, it’s more the sign on Don Murphy’s gate.

      • koutchboom says :

        Awww come on that was an Australian joke!

      • Droid says :

        It was an Australian joke because an Australian made it. But it was at the expense of limp wristed yankee doodle dandies.

      • Droid says :

        Still don’t know what you’re on about.

      • Jarv says :

        I think he’s referring to the last picture. That’s a guess though.

      • Droid says :

        If he is, it doesn’t make any sense. Maybe it’s a joke in the movie. But since I don’t have a photographic memory for average comedies I don’t know.

      • koutchboom says :

        Ahahahahah average comedies. Keep trying.

        Of course its from the movie, what don’t you understand?

      • Droid says :

        Koutch, if you honestly think that referencing an average comedy like Baseketball somehow makes people that don’t get it stupid then you’re an even bigger idiot than I previously thought.

        Ahahahahah average comedies. Keep trying.

        Go back and read the review you just linked to, genius.

      • koutchboom says :

        I’d just like FOR ONCE for Droid to keep up with me, so I don’t have to feel like I have to put training wheels on all my jokes. JUST ONCE, thats all I ask for. Then you can go back to not understanding anything all the time.

      • Droid says :

        I’ll throw it out to the general public…

        Did anyone else understand this reference that Koutch made? Apparently he thinks I should be able to tell the difference between an obscure quote and him making some random comment that sounds incredibly similar to the usual obnoxious, moronic rambling that makes up 99% of his comments.

        Awww come on that was an Australian joke

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah no one else cares Droid, move on.

      • Droid says :

        Excellent. I’ll take no ones confirmation as no one understood the reference.

        Koutch, get it through what serves as your brain and understand that you cannot attempt “jokes” no one gets and slap yourself on the back. I realise you’ve got low self esteem but really mate, get past it. Time to grow up.

      • koutchboom says :

        Na people got it, they are just tired of you not understanding how the world works. Seriously I’ll send you my BLU ray of Planet Earth and you can start with that.

      • Droid says :

        Well done, Koutch! You made a reference that someone other than yourself will understand! Now, your next step is to try really hard to make them just a little bit funny.

      • koutchboom says :

        Come on Droid, it’s Highlanderpaloolza. Suck it up there can only be one.

      • Droid says :

        it’s Highlanderpoolza

        Koutch is celebrating this one on his lonesome.

      • koutchboom says :

        Ohh come a spelling joke? Thats weak even for y…no thats about on par with your ability. Anyways your joke no longer mak-a de-sense.

      • Droid says :

        That wasn’t a joke. Merely stating a fact. You’ll be celebrating that one alone. But you go ahead and keep posting your random meaningless photos, and your random quotes that no one understands but you. It obviously makes you feel better about yourself.

      • koutchboom says :

        Do chicks dig it when you cry during sex droid?

      • Droid says :

        Sometimes. You?

      • koutchboom says :

        Don’t know, I don’t have a small penis.

      • Droid says :

        HA! Your self esteem must be even lower than I thought.

      • koutchboom says :

        I don’t understand all this self esteem talk? I mean I’m not your therapist, but it feels like a projection thing. I mean first off we are all on a movie internet talk board so self esteem issues is probably what brought us all here? Secondly yeah it just really feels like a projection thing? I mean I really don’t have a small penis, its not HUGE are anything its just a little above average and I’m cool with that. But I figure if one cries during sex its got to be from small penis syndrome or self esteem issues. I’ve got niether, and you seem to have both? I just don’t feel that this is the forum to be bringing up such personal problems Droid. Its very desperate and sad. I mean what if your wife….I mean sister found this? She’d be very upset that you didn’t come to her first and talk to her about it?

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me.

        You 2 are like Statler and frigging Waldorf now.

        HIGHLANDERPALOOZA!

        Bitches!

        I’ve only got 30 minutes left until I make the run for home, I have 15 pounds in my pocket, half a pack of cigarettes and only a decision whether or not to buy a bottle of whiskey or a huge amount of beer preventing me from hitting my couch.

        THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

      • Droid says :

        ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

        Classic Koutch. Your grade school psychology is very funny. But it’s clear that you have self esteem issues. I’m just trying to help you get through it. Chin up, champ.

      • koutchboom says :

        DEFLECTION!!! BOOM POW!!!

        Thats all you can do Droid is deflect deflect! It must be an Aussie thing to never take responsibility for anything? No wonder England still owns you.

      • Droid says :

        ahahahahahaha!!! Fuck me, you’re on fire. But lets get serious just for a moment, Koutch. I really am just trying to help you.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yes because a 30 something whose best friend is his sister is someone who should be handing out advice hand over fist.

        I’d rather talk cricket with Jarv. At least then I know I won’t be talking to someone just talking out their ass.

      • Droid says :

        hahahaha!!! Koutch, really… Stop it now. I’m trying to take your issues seriously. Why do you have such low self esteem? Is this something that has been with you since childhood?

      • koutchboom says :

        I can seriously hear your tears hit the keyboard from here.

      • Droid says :

        hehe

        Fine then. You don’t have to take my help if you don’t feel ready to face these challenges. But just know that you can talk to me about your issues any time you like.

      • koutchboom says :

        What help have you offered? You’ve offered no challenges? You say I make no sense? Its not my fault you can’t remember lines from a movie.

      • Droid says :

        I’ve offered help with your self esteem problem. Does the low self esteem stem from a reading and comprehension problem? I believe we’ve made a breakthrough!

      • koutchboom says :

        OHHH hahaha yeah again getting life advice from a traitor to his country whose only friend is his sister. YEAH I think you should quite your job and get lisenced you sound ready to go!

        But again, where are these challenges? I challenge you to not suck the fun out of life and try to work harder with your jokes and understanding of jokes in general. OHHH wait its Droid he avoids all challeges. Droid, its like Koutchboom….but for pussies.

      • Droid says :

        Droid, its like Koutchboom….but for pussies.

        hahahahaha!!! This has to be the lamest joke I’ve seen in a long time.

        But seriously, you don’t think your low self esteem issue is a challenge? If it’s so easy to overcome, why haven’t you done so by now?

      • koutchboom says :

        Yes Droid I get that you are conjecturing on a failed attempt to point out that I have some low self esteem issues, but have yet to produce any actual knowledge or show of this beyond your typical laissez faire attitude about how you are always right. Its pretty much worthless to talk to you most of the time because if you don’t understand anything you get upset and bitch about how someone else is wrong rather than just fucking moving on with your life like the rest of us. And now you are trying to ruin the fun of Hilanderpalooza in typical Droid manner by just not shutting the fuck up when you got nothing to say. You just blabber on with your, OH NO YOUR THE IDIOT, I’M NOT THE IDIOT routine. And honestly its just fucking boring. It’s actually more entertaining when you just throw up some decorated word which I hope you do after this and move on. Instead of trying to beat a dead horse that is your ability to not be able to interact with people.

      • Droid says :

        ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

        Koutch, you really are priceless. Does attacking me make you feel better about yourself? I think we’ve made another breakthrough! We’ll sort out these pesky self esteem issues Koutch. Come hell or high water, we’ll sort them out! We’ve made two important breakthroughs today. It’s the first step, but first steps are always the hardest ones. But we’ll get you there, Koutch. One day you’ll be a fully functioning member of society.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah you are right attcking worthless alley cats is only for fucking chavs and Aussies. It’s a worthless endeavor you can’t get rid of them all. Come on just give me a cute decorated word and move on.

      • Jarv says :

        Guys, enough.

        This isn’t funny and looks like an actual argument. It’s starting to look quite vicious from the outside.

        Seriously, take a breath and look at what you’re writing, it’s become awfully personal and doesn’t look so much like banter at the moment.

        Calm down, go for a smoke, come back and read it through. I don’t want to come over all “nanny” about it, but this isn’t worth falling out over.

        Tell me to fuck off and mind my own business, or whatever, I don’t mind, but just take a moment to read it through- you’re both posting at light speed in response to the last post.

        Please? For HIGHLANDERPALOOZA?

      • Droid says :

        I’m just trying to help Koutch through a tough time. Getting personal would be counterproductive.

      • Jarv says :

        Now now.

        This is Highlanderpalooza.

        No bitching here.

    • DocPazuzu says :

      Let’s see… That would be 9 pm my time. I have a severe cold (more than a week now), two small kids, had no sleep for about two days, a killer of a work week and a million other things that need to be done around the home. And you want me to get drunk and listen in on a live chat while watching Highlander 2? Go on, then.

      • Droid says :

        It was never in doubt.

      • Jarv says :

        In honour of that, and the illness and whatnot, and the fact that it’s HIGHLANDERPALOOZA, here’s my Scottish mother’s cold remedy:

        You need:

        1) Mediocre to shitty whisky- Bells is a good one
        2) Honey or Brown sugar
        3) lemons.
        4) Hot water.

        Get cup, pour obscene shot of whiskey into it.
        Squeeze half of one lemon in#
        Add tablespoon of honey
        top up with boiling water, stir until honey all melted and none left sticking on spoon.

        Wait a few minutes for it to cool down from Boiling to “very hot”.

        Drink.

        Repeat. Possibly with bigger shot.

        Adjust lemon and honey to suit taste.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        That sounds fucking brilliant. In fact, that sounds so much like a REAL cold cure that I think even my wife will buy it. Is that the Quickening I feel in my bones?

      • DocPazuzu says :

        I think I have half a bottle of Lord Calvert (complete shit) sloshing around somewhere.

      • koutchboom says :

        There is always chicken noodle soup/sprite/crackers when that doesn’t work.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        “There is always chicken noodle soup/sprite/crackers when that doesn’t work.”

        May cure my cold, but it won’t get me through Highlander 2.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah too bad there wasn’t some sweet Pepsi tie in deal for the Highlander films. That would’ve been awesome.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s sensational.

        A few of them and you won’t notice any more.

        And, I reckon that it does actually work- Mrs. Jarv does too.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, the reason you use mediocre- shit whiskey is that it’s a scandalous waste of good stuff.

        My Jonny Walker Centenary Bottle that I finished the other day didn’t go near it (or any other mixer for that matter)

      • koutchboom says :

        God how does that work? Shitty whiskey while you are sick? Is the outcome of this remedy to just fucking PUKE the sickness out of you?

      • DocPazuzu says :

        I have a gorgeously new and full bottle of 12-year-old Highland Park which I wouldn’t go near for an endeavor such as this. No, it’s gotta be shit whisky (shitsky?) for this.

      • Jarv says :

        God no. Some shitty Blend like Bells or equivalent.

        Even Supermarket Whisky will do for it. (Just not the absolute cheapest, as you may as well drink meths).

      • koutchboom says :

        So what do you do? Just sip it? I like the drink until you fucking puke your brains out idea, sounds very British.

      • koutchboom says :

        So how does it work? Do you just sip the whisky? I like the cold remedy of drink until you puke the cold out, sounds very british.

      • Jarv says :

        It works because alcohol is a natural analgesic, and it’s loaded with sugar and vitamin C, plus the hot water helps you sweat the cold out.

        If you drink it until you puke then I doubt it will be very effective.

      • Jarv says :

        It doesn’t make any difference whether you sip or gulp- you’ve just got to drink it while it’s hot.

        If it gets cold then apparently it doesn’t work.

      • Jarv says :

        Funnily enough:

        Mrs. Jarv has just asked me to buy some lemons on the way home as she thinks she has a cold coming on.

      • Droid says :

        Maybe she’s got the fever. It is of course HIGHLANDERPALOOZA.

      • Jarv says :

        Caught a case of THERECANBEONLYONE-itis?

        Shit, it sounds like I need a big bottle of whiskey, a really fucking big bottle of whiskey.

  16. DocPazuzu says :

    Now I know what Macleod and Kastagir were drinking in Central Park.

    “Just a little boom-boom. You’re not afraid of a little boom-boom, are you?”

    • Jarv says :

      I dread to think what’s in that. Where is Kastagir meant to be from?

      And Mcleod drinks fucking Brandy. Calls himself a highlander

      *crosses arms in hump*

      • Jarv says :

        Of course, thinking about it, your modern scot will drink Buckfast, so Brandy is a step up.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Some African country, I’ve always assumed.

        Not only brandy, but a wine fan:

        “1783 was a very good year… Mozart wrote his Great Mass… The Montgolfier brothers went up in their first hot-air balloon…. And England recognized the independence of the United States.”

      • Jarv says :

        So did I.

        Boom-boom= nasty grain moonshine then.

        That quote’s about the Brandy isn’t it?

      • koutchboom says :

        What that nasty drink thats popular with the chavs and hooligans? Some fruity wine are something? Buckfast I think?

      • Droid says :

        Wherever did you hear about buckfast, koutch?

        your modern scot will drink Buckfast

        Oh, right.

      • koutchboom says :

        I want to try Buckfast just to see whats going on with it. I doubt that its worse than some shit we’ve got here called FOUR

        ALSO may I suggest a Four Loko for tonights viewing of Highlander 2?

      • Jarv says :

        It’s not chavs. They’re scottish so it’s “neds”.

        They prefer a combination of Tennants super and the delicate herbal tonic Buckfast, commonly known as “bucky”.

      • koutchboom says :

        FUCK I always get my chavs and neds mixed up!

      • Jarv says :

        Ned= Scottish Chav.

        Only really applicable in Glasgow, but then Glasgow and Lanarkshire is where most of them are from (not putting down the amount of scumbags from Dundee or Aberdeen, but that area is vastly the most populus of Scotland).

      • Jarv says :

        That shit looks rancid.

        No, Buckfast isn’t that bad. It’s equivalent to Benedectine or something like that, maybe Chartreuse. The point is, though, that it is a tonic wine and you are meant to have 1 small glass every now and again. You aren’t meant to drink the whole bottle because it’s ridiculously strong and as only a tonic wine, ridiculously cheap.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I’ve seen Four Loko at the store but I haven’t the hair on my chest to drink it yet. I did however try the crystal skull vodka, that was pretty good for a Ghostbuster.

        There is a new rum called the Krakken I’ve been meaning to try. I also want to try that ridiculous high alcohol content beer, Sink The Bismark. They may have come out with one higher then that though.

  17. Franklin T Marmoset says :

    Speaking as the poorly educated son of a roofer, I may one day get offended by all this talk of chavs. I am of chav stock, you know.

    But not this week, because all my energies are devoted to HIGHLANDERPALOOZA!

    HIGHLANDERPALOOZA, BITCHES!

    • Jarv says :

      This is not a conversation about Chavs. It’s about Neds.

      You live near Wales, and hate football, so therefore cannot be a Ned.

      • Jarv says :

        Anyway. Point taken:

        HIGHLANDERPALOOZA! BITCHES!

      • koutchboom says :

        It would be funny if Highlander was some point of pride movie for the Neds.

      • Jarv says :

        It is.

        As is Braveheart- which they think is accurate history.

      • koutchboom says :

        Ahahahahah nice.

      • Jarv says :

        Yeah, it’s actually quite sad.

        It’s really funny, however, that they basically blame the English for everything- until someone mentions the Barnett formula and that the entire government was Scottish and tanked the economy, in which case they start gloating about “fuckin’ the Sassenachs” without realising that this means their benefits will be done and so “Wee Jamesy” won’t be able to have the new Rangers Away Kit.

  18. Franklin T Marmoset says :

    I just learned we’re having our weekly in-office meeting… tomorrow morning at 9am sharp.

    If I were a more sensible person, I would shitcan the booze tonight so I don’t have to drag my ass into town and suffer through a tedious get together about figures and whatnot while being crushed under the boot-heel of a miserable hangover.

    Trouble is, I am not a sensible person at the best of times. And since I am currently caught in the thrall of HIGHLANDERPALOOZA FEVER (bitches!) even the smallest sliver of common sense has gone flying right out the window.

    IT’S TOO LATE TO BACK OUT NOW! TONIGHT, I WILL DRUNKEN MYSELF SENSELESS WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY HIGHLANDERING MYSELF EVEN MORE SENSELESS!

    So what I’m saying here is tomorrow morning is not going to be pleasant.

    • Droid says :

      You do realise it’s a 90 minute film, don’t you? How much boozing are your going to do beforehand?

      • Franklin T Marmoset says :

        Well, I’m finishing at 5. And I was going to start drinking at… you know… probably, like… um, 5.

        Now I think about it, this is more of an excuse to get drunk than anything else. I don’t get drunk very often anymore.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m with Frank. I’ve just been told that I’ve got an event tomorrow at 9am.

        But nevertheless…

        HIGHLANDERPALOOZA!!!

      • Droid says :

        Well, unlike both of you, I work for a living, and I’m still attending…

        HIGHLANDERPALOOZA!!!

      • Jarv says :

        Difference is, you can hide behind your PC, whereas I have to be nice to the general public.

        Nevertheless, I am immortal and you are a stupid haggis.

        HIGHLANDERPALOOZA!

      • Droid says :

        I bet tomorrow morning you’ll look, feel and act like The Kurgan.

        “Don’t you EVER speak to me!”

      • Franklin T Marmoset says :

        I bet tomorrow morning you’ll look, feel and act like The Kurgan.

        Now I’m going to be sorely tempted to exit the meeting saying, “I have something to say! It’s better to burn out than to fade away!” while waggling my tongue about.

      • koutchboom says :

        Hopefully Jarv grows his hair out in the night and comes into work with one of those sweet Highlander ponytails.

    • koutchboom says :

      So at the end of the meeting you must yell, “There Can Only Be One”. Right when they ask, “So, are there any questions about the new dress policy?”

  19. Jarv says :

    Fuck it. I’m off.

    I’m going to sneak out the other door. I can’t see my boss, but his rat is sitting looking at the main door.

  20. Franklin T Marmoset says :

    Yep, me too.

    See you guys back here in three hours.

    HIGHLANDERPALOOZA!

  21. Droid says :

    Since we’ve made some good progress with Koutch today, I call this session to a close.

    I’m going to try to escape this place as soon as possible and grab a few beers. Highlander II demands it.

    See you later on.

  22. Jarv says :

    Important Highlanderpalooza update.

    On my way home I have been summoned to the public house for a pre-Highlanderpalooza part 2 drink.

    Unfortunately I have exactly 6 pounds after the emergency beer and whiskey shop.

    I shall see you all for the opening of part 2.

    Ciao

  23. koutchboom says :

    Where the fuck is everyone? HASN’T IT BEGUN YET?

    • Droid says :

      The debacle begins at 8pm.

      • koutchboom says :

        Will your sister be there?

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, but she’s not your type. She’s not a retard.

        You need another therapy session? We’ve been making good progress.

      • koutchboom says :

        ahahahahahahaha. Come on mate. give me ONE little decorated tid bit of wisdom? Thats what you’re best at.

        But seriously, if she does come. Are you going to be able to handle other guys hitting on your main gal? I mean Jarv and Frank are going to be REALLY drunk. I won’t be able to control them. And if she’s as easy/dumb as you????? Ehhhh I think there may be some free “therapy sessions” going down. ifyourknowwhatimean.

      • Jarv says :

        New Highlanderpalooza goes live in about 4 minutes.

        I am currently 4 pints of lovely guinness down.

        This is an excellent idea

      • koutchboom says :

        CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!!!!

        YES CHUG Guinness like your an American college student too good for PBR!

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck off.

        I’m a half Irish, Half Scottish person with anaemia and Guinness is the best known cure for that.

      • Droid says :

        AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You’re a funny little guy, Koutch. You make me laugh. But if you want to talk about dumb/easy, I’d go no further than looking at your better half. She married you, so that really says it all, doesn’t it?

        Nearly time for HIGHLANDERPALOOZA PART DEUCE!!!!

      • koutchboom says :

        Droid, why not just copy and paste my comments instead of badly copying them? Or go back to just using grade school sayings like “I’m rubber your glue whatever I say Droid will just repeat it!”.

      • Droid says :

        Koutch, how is that copying? I was merely referring to something you said. whatdon’tyouunderstand?

      • koutchboom says :

        COME ON DROID!!!
        ONE TINY DECORATED WORD!
        USE IT!!
        You know you want to.
        Look you give me a good decorated word we can just pretend you won this and be done with it ok? I won’t last comment Droid you if you just post one GOOD one! Its got to be good to, not just fucking critckets. Try pussywillows or something interesting (yeah I know thats hard for you but please try). I know you’ve got it in you. RU-DROID RU-DROID RU-DROID!

  24. ThereWolf says :

    Got nothing to add to all that.

    Only that it’s all very entertaining & Highlander is fantastic – especially Clancy Brown.

    “Scuse me!”

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