The CoC Cinema Awards

Hallelujah!

After a long and arduous selection process and a completely open transparent voting system, it’s finally time to see who wins the coveted Golden Graboid. I did hire Johnny Vegas (sorry all I could afford) to present these, but unfortunately he’s busy throwing up in the bathroom, so I’ve got to step in.

Film of the Year

The nominations were:

  • Inception
  • A Prophet
  • Bitch Slap
  • Centurion
  • Where the Wild Things Are
  • How to Train Your Dragon

And the winner is…

Inception.


Congratulations to Nolan, allegedly a fantastic film, this Sci-Fi heist movie took the public vote with 40%. Commiserations to A Prophet, which only narrowly lost (bah- that was my pick).

The Chris Klein Award for Male Acting Achievement

Lots to choose from here:

  • Woody Harrelson
  • Nicholas Cage (Bad Lieutenant)
  • James Purefoy (Solomon Kane)
  • Dominic West (Centurion)
  • Michael Caine (Harry Brown)
  • Michael Jai White (Black Dynamite)

And the winner is, by a landslide:

Woody Harrelson


It does seem, after all that 2010 has been the year of the Woody. Although I am tempted to withhold this because of 2012.

The Jarv’s a Dumbass Award:

Mea Culpa, and I’m very sorry, so here’s a special award to Jocelin Donahue for an outstanding performance that I accidentally omitted from the Best Actress Category. I am indeed a cunt, and I hope this partially makes up for missing out on the chance to win the Coveted Emma Stone Zombieland Awards for Best Actress.


Emma Stone Zombieland Award for Best Actress

  • Emma Stone: Zombieland
  • Olga Kurylenko: Centurion
  • Kristen Stewart: Twilight The Runaways
  • Maggie Gylenhall: Crazy Heart.

A much closer vote this time, but congratulations to Moonwolves’ favourite Ginger bird:

Emma Stone


Narrowly beating Olga Kurylenko with 46% of the popular vote, Emma Stone takes the gong with her name on it. Good luck Emma, and hope you put in a great turn in the new and dance-free Spiderman.

The OUTLANDER Award

  • Centurion
  • Solomon Kane
  • Black Dynamite
  • Defendor

Fucking distributors shafted all these films, but the winner is…

Centurion

Stabbery! Angry Scots! Stabbery! Star turns from Olga Kurylenko and Dominic West! Stabbery!

Really just a great film that got completely fucking shafted. Everyone should see this, it is truly loads of fun. It’s good to see Marshall’s Roman Epic take this with 46% of the vote.

The Underrated film of the Year:

  • The Rocket
  • Pandorum
  • The Crazies

The winner is…

The Rocket

A close call, but in a result no doubt designed to make Koutch Happy, the Ice Hockey Biopic narrowly beats out Pandorum to take this with 43% of the vote.

Changian Movie of the Year

  • Bitch Slap
  • Centurion
  • Solomon Kane
  • The Crazies
  • Black Dynamite

And the winner is:

Bitch Slap

Huzzah! We’ve clearly got excellent taste as Bitch Slap romped this one home in a landslide. Oh, and best supporting role goes to Julia Voth’s dress.

The Don Murphy Award for Cinematic Failure

Fat Cunt.

Anyway, the nominations are:

  • Splice
  • Iron Man 2
  • The Descent 2
  • Legion
  • Ninja Assassin

All platinum stinkers, but only one can take home the fatty award for failure- and the loser is:

Splice

All the nominations (with the exception of Ninja Assassin- which I think got lucky because most people avoided it) polled pretty evenly, but the Murph soiled Splice eventually nosed its way in front finishing with 38%  of the vote. Must have been the subtext, Don. Oh, and you owe us an apology you fat creep.

Right, that’s the film awards done. I’m off to retrieve Vegas from the toilet and get him down to A&E before the chubby bastard dies. I’m going to need a bigger truck, a really fucking big fucking truck.

If you want to hang around, the party’s in the back- we’ve got hot and cold running hookers, enough blow to kill the Gallagher family and monkey butlers serving alcohol.

See you in a while for the Site Awards.

Until then,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

31 responses to “The CoC Cinema Awards”

  1. Jarv says :

    All fair and impartial and whatnot, and all worthy winners.

    Oh, and Happy Birthday to us.

  2. Droid says :

    Huzzah! Happy Birthday!

    Woody! Finally getting the recognition he deserves. You wanted to yank his award because he was the only watchable part of 2012? That makes his award even more deserving in my opinion.

    I’m surprised A Prophet didn’t win. Thought that would be a shoo-in. Although Inception is clearly a worthy winner, I voted for A Prophet.

    There really couldn’t be anyone but Emma Stone to take that gong. Although Olga was good.

    I guess I need to see The Rocket.

    Bitch Slap had to win. It represents all of the divine Changian principles.

    Fuck Splice and Fuck Murphy. Cunt.

    • Jarv says :

      Nah, only joking about yanking it for 2012. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

      The actual difference between Inception and A Prophet came down to 1 vote in the end. Close stuff.

      I’m doing the site ones now, I’ll put it straight up when I’m done.

  3. Droid says :

    And Murphy does owe me an apology. And 12 quid. Fat cunt.

  4. Bartleby says :

    Good on Bitch Slap and Inception. A Prophet was a great film, but I do prefer Inception a little bit.

    Classy to give Jocelin Donahue her own moment. Oversight forgiven. Now see House of the Devil. Great film.

    and points for “enough blow to kill the Gallagher family”.

    Thanks for putting this altogether Jarv. The process was nicely handled and fun to read.

  5. Bartleby says :

    Splice sucked, yes, but Descent 2 was probably the bigger piece of crap.

    But then, Splice was the bigger disappointment.

    • Jarv says :

      That was actually quite close. Splice edged it with 38% but The Descent 2 and Iron Man 2 both tied on 23%

      Splice was a colossal failure though

    • Droid says :

      I believe the category was more of a “Film that should’ve been great”. No one really expected Descent 2 to be good. Splice on the other hand… What a collosal fucking misfire.

    • Jarv says :

      Descent 2 was a ginormous failure on every level, but Droid is right- nobody actually expected it to be anything other than a failure.

      Splice, though, we all had hopes for, and it was utter shit- it was an abortion from start to finish and is, therefore, a bigger failure.

  6. xiphos0311 says :

    Jarv excellent work on putting both of these post together. Thank you for sacrificing your time on what I imagine had to a rather frustratingly large amount of drudgery to create both articles.

    Now about the movies nominated. I have only seen the Runaways and The Crazies which were top notch and ZZzzzzzzzzzzombie land which wasn’t. I ended up voting for things on the strength of liking somebody involved in the movie. For instance I voted for Solomon Kane becasue James Purefoy was awesome as Marc Antony in Rome. I figured he was awesome again as everyone’s favorite zealot Puritan killing machine

  7. LB says :

    And I guess it occurs to me that THIS August Event is why it’s good I got up early today!

    Consider this motherfucker tweeted =^_^=

    I may not tweet part 2, seeing as how that’s all self-congratulatory masturbation 🙂

    Very professional!

    This list is quite good, it turns out.

    • Jarv says :

      It is, but it’s really an excuse to look back at the highlights of the year.

      This is the more relevant article to anything. I’m not sure which of them I prefer.

      • LB says :

        Jarv-I’ve put out discrete queries as to what The Cunt is up to.

        On One hand, we are marketing for him.

        On the other hand, he is a cunt.

        You Sir, are a scoundrel.

        Thanks again!

  8. Continentalop says :

    How the fuck did Inception beat A Prophet? A Prophet is the closest thing to a modern day Godfather!

    I demand a recount!

    • Jarv says :

      I was surprised. It was very fucking close though.

      • koutchboom says :

        Initially I liked A Prophet right off the bat, I left not wanting it to be over. But its pretty much a one and done film. Inception I’ve been wanting to see again wishing I saw it twice in the theater. It was really fun to talk about as well. Also the music was better. If a movie can make me think about it that much as well as so many more this long after seeing it this day in age I think thats pretty damn good.

  9. LB says :

    Oh and thank you to Jarv for your hard work, and to Xi for showing up-it’s good see you big guy-we missed you.

  10. ThereWolf says :

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVERYBODY!

    Dead chuffed for Inception & Woody. Everything else I’ve got queued on lovefilm – A Prophet, Bitch Slap etc…

    Thanks for devoting valuable drinking time to do this, Jarv!

  11. Tom_Bando says :

    Nice job all the way around there Jarv.

    I liked this one.

    Don Murphy is going to have his cinematic turd varnished and hung out in front of the set where they’re doing MegaDuck(TM), A Quack in Time. I can’t wait.

  12. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    Disappointing to see Black Dynamite going home empty handed, but otherwise this is a worthy list of winners. Can’t argue with any of these, except maybe The Rocket, but only because I never even heard of that one. It’s about a man who fights a giant rocket, I suppose.

    Congratulations to all the winners. Hopefully, we’ll have another good line-up of nominees for the second annual Moonwolves awards next year.

    And thanks to Jarv for putting this together. Nicely done.

  13. koutchboom says :

    Thats a bad ass Rocket poster. Haven’t seen that one. All the other ones do make the movie look a little cheap.

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