The CoC Awards: The Site

Get the fuck out of my coke. BAD MONKEY BUTLER PUT THAT DOWN.

What do you mean I’m on again? Where the fuck is Vegas? Oh, shit…

Apologies, hope everyone had a nice intermission, but we’re back with the site Awards, so with no further ado…

Before I start the awards themselves, this was actually harder to put together and more harsh on individual nominations than the Cinema ones. Pretty much every single contributor received at least one nod, and many times we nominated different articles by the same contributor. In the end, I was stuck with two alternatives- put up all of them, or stick with the “minimum 2 nominations” from the cinema awards. So because I’m a lazy bastard, I went with the latter- So I just want to take this opportunity to say commiserations to Droid and Wolf who managed to pull somewhere in the region of 20 (haven’t a clue actually, just pulled it out of the air, but it is a lot) individual nominations between them and missed out on the vast majority of shortlists through sheer bad luck. So in this instance, I’ve decided to add a

Always the Bridesmaid Award

It goes to Therewolf on the basis that Droid did make some actual categories. Great work, I really enjoyed them.

Title of the Year.

  • Inglorious Assturds: The Bowl Winder Review
  • That’s! How you Vampire
  • Videodrome for Pussies: Existenz
  • Kloipy Commits Suicide while watching all about Steve

I think this section of the awards is going to run true to prediction, actually as Xiphos takes this with Inglorious Assturds: The Bowl Winder Review. Very funny stuff

Rant of the Year

  • Jarv and Droid with the Splice Series
  • Barfy with “The Blind Side”
  • Kloipy with “Kloipy Commits Suicide while watching all about Steve”
  • Xiphos with “Inglorious Assturds: The Bowl Winder Review”

Again, no shock here, but Xiphos romped home with a whopping 67% of the vote. That isn’t really a shock as any review that contains the line:

To be fair sir, it’s not entirely your fault. The slavering, asshole licking, want to be hipster dumb fucks that hold you up as some sort of skilled and talented movie maker fuel my hatred for you and your talentless humongous head.

Is probably going to win. So, Congratulations to Xiphos, and if you want to relive the full glory of the rant, click here

Review of the Year

  • Jarv with I, Lucifer
  • Kloipy with Dear Zachary
  • Xiphos with The Last Picture Show

Again, by an absolute landslide- Kloipy with Dear Zachary takes the gong. This was an absolutely excellent heartfelt review for a film that I’m never going to watch. To relive the glory, click here

Article of the Year

  • Xi and Conti with “We Deal in Lead, Friend”
  • Droid with “An Unbiased Box-Office Analysis
  • Xi and Conti with “Battle Royale”

And the winner is: Xi and Conti with “We Deal in Lead, Friend”

I don’t think anyone can complain about this one, really. Congratulations, guys, a marathon effort and some genuinely sterling work. To read part 2 again, click here

*Quick edit*

I didn’t know this but Barfy also edited this post- so congratulations to her as well- it read brilliantly, was hugely fascinating and looked great. Top stuff

The ContinentalOp Award for Ridiculous Challenge of the Year.

Well, sigh, here we go:

  • Jarv with Thundercrack!
  • Koutch’s Adventures in Terrible Comedy
  • Droid’s Birthday Series.

Anyone want to take a guess which one was triumphant here? Anyone? You at the back? Well, you’re all wrong it was Droid’s Birthday Series.

Alright, it clearly fucking wasn’t- it was me with Thundercrack! Almost completely unanimous, I would like to thank the three people that that didn’t vote for it. Thanks, but a futile effort.

Here’s the challenge:

You know, one of you fucks is going to have to watch and review THUNDERCRACK! I saw it TWICE, and I am not going to ever watch it again. But I think it just came out on DVD and this one is just screaming for someone to review.

As requested by Conti- in the event of it winning here’s the actual first live quote from me while watching it

This is shit.

I’m listening to a conversation about how her son gerald liked giving enemas.

Fuck me conti- what have you done to me?

Anyway, I’d like to thank God, Drugs, my mother, some teacher I once had that I’m pretty certain was a lesbian, erm, God, and would just like to say that this award is for all those expensively educated white people out there that are just struggling to make it in this world. Keep up the good fight.

If you want to reread my misery, the link to the rec room is here and the actual article is here

The Second Chin of Murphy for Cunt of the Year

  • Producers
  • Harry Knowles

Step right up Knowles, you fat fucking dickhead. Pulling a whopping 86% of the vote, you are clearly a massive, massive cunt. There are so many individual instances of cuntishness, such as, say, your Blade 2 review, but what’s won you this one is the ridiculous, obnoxious, slavering praise you gave to that foul tripe A Serbian Film. You are a disgusting fucking creep and are now almost beyond satire.

Weird Comment by a non-regular

  • Nostalgia
  • Trisha
  • Anonymous
  • Don Murphy

Another close one this, but Nostalgia just edges out Murphy with 47% of the vote. Which goes to show that Murphy can be defeated, but only if you really believe in the lizard people:

i was swallowed alive by a gigantic snake during a riitual sacrifice 2,000 years ago in one of my past lives.

Note idiosyncratic use of grammar, complete medication skipping lunacy, and the fact that he supplied a site to substantiate his claim. A fruit loop.

Search of the Year

  • Clouds
  • Cunt Sewing
  • Emma Stone Zombieland
  • Possibly homosexual Jarv
  • Don Murphy fat Cretin
  • Big Titted Prize Fighters
  • Slutty Bitches in Post Feminist America
  • Juggs

The winner is Slutty Bitches in Post Feminist America which is awesome because it’s another nod to Bitch Slap, and it polled 25% of the vote with a tie for second on 19%. Close

Catchphrase of the Year

  • Pint Sized Stabbery
  • Olyphantitis
  • But for pussies
  • Fuck you. Cunt

Another close one, but Pint Sized Stabbery narrowly edged out the prosaic Fuck you. Cunt for the win polling 40% of the vote.

Rating System of the Year

Another landslide, but everyone’s favourite sad ape won: The Orangutan of Doom polled a massive 79% of the vote.

Tag of the Year

We’ve had a lot of fun with these tags, but when it came to the nomination process, one tag was nominated by absolutely everybody, so, and this isn’t going to be a shock- congratulations to Don Murphy is a  Fat Cunt for receiving universal endorsement.

Right, that’s that done. Thanks again to everybody that contributed over the last 12 months, and I hope that we can continue with this much good material.

I’m heading to the party to retrieve my drugs from the monkey butler.

Honestly, you just can’t get the help.

See you later,


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

102 responses to “The CoC Awards: The Site”

  1. Jarv says :



    Well, let the bitching commence.

  2. Bartleby says :

    Nicely done Jarv. Plenty of work put into this one.

    I think the writing was quite strong on the site over the last year, and it’s only gotten better.

    Strange going back and picking out the absurdity in the comments. I didnt even recall Nostalgic until this awards thing.

    Here’s to another great year of WOTM.

  3. Droid says :

    HUZZ…. What the fuck? I walk away empty fucking handed? Robbed! So what do Solomon Kane, Centurion and Droid all have in common? We all got SCREWED this year! Where’s the monkey butler? I need a giant pile of blow over here asap. And call over those hookers! I’m gonna tear this shithole up!

    Oh, and congrats to all the deserved winners. Great work everyone.

  4. xiphos0311 says :

    Jarv thank you for all the hard work you put in to make these awards it had to be time consuming and a whole lot of drudgery. You did a great job on both of these posts.

    Thank you to anybody that voted for me I appreciate it.

  5. kloipy says :

    Congrats to all the winners and congrats to our site for a great year! Thanks to those who voted for me for review of the year, it means a lot to me coming from you guys! Congrats go to all the others who won in their respective catagories for everyones reviews here are always great and to all the nominees as well. You cunts are always an inspiration. Much love to all writers and followers of the site, you guys are all awesome.

    Great work on this Jarv!

  6. Continentalop says :

    Just think Jarv, 50-years from now you’ll be remembered for winning a Golden Chang for watching THUNDERCRACK! and you’ll have me to thank.

  7. Jarv says :

    Will I also still be waking up in the middle of the night having flashbacks because of it?

    Oh, and not that this is necessarily bad, but I haven’t been able to watch Friends since either

  8. Jarv says :

    Also, before I forget- I didn’t put Frank up because he also fell under the same category as Droid and Wolf with lots of nods but not multiple ones.

    I just want to emphasise that he wrote brilliant stuff and the Don Mancini letter was, in particular, superb

    If you ever want to review something again, Frank, send it to me and I’ll gladly post it for you.

  9. xiphos0311 says :

    The joint award really should go to Barfy and Conti they did the most work I just showed up and scribbled some junk.

    • Jarv says :

      Did Barfy do that one as well? Shit, I may have to go back and edit this.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Yes Barfy edits everything if she didn’t all my posts would be even more of an unreadable mess then they are.

    • Jarv says :

      OK- I’ve gone back and corrected that. I didn’t know that Barfy edited that one, so I’ve added her.

      • Barfy says :

        Jarv, I’m riding their coat tails here. Honest, Conti and Xi did ALL the work.

        “We Deal in Lead, Friend” should get an extra award for bringing the escaped monkey man back to the fold with “Equilibrium: This pick is the one that might get Frank to break cover.”

  10. ThereWolf says :


    Oh, thank you. You broke my heart, Jarv. Broked it into a million pieces.

    • Jarv says :

      I thought that was quite clever-

      Still, didn’t want to leave anyone out.

      • ThereWolf says :

        Nah, I’m happy with that! Cheers, fella.

        I’m surprised your ‘The Fly’ review didn’t get a few mentions. It’s a great review.

      • Jarv says :

        I was surprised actually that the only review of mine that got more than one nod in any category (aside from Thundercrack! I saw that coming) was the I, Lucifer one. I’d have picked from my stuff either one of the Cronenberg ones (The Fly or Crash, I think) or my This is England review, which I was really proud of.

      • ThereWolf says :

        Yeh, the This Is England review is a good one. For a start it encouraged me to watch the film which I then enjoyed a lot. Job done.

        Likewise I, Lucifer. I’ve just got the book – again on the strength of your review – and I’ll be reading it before the year’s out, I’m sure.

      • Jarv says :

        Great film, that.

        Hope you enjoy I, Lucifer as much as I did. It really does reward rereading as well.

  11. ThereWolf says :

    Huge, thumping congratulations to all the winners!

    I get a kick out of reading everything on here (except the snipey Rec Room stuff sometimes), just putting me feet up, a splash of whiskey or vodka (or beer), bag of Aero Bubbles or Minstrels (or Skittles) – and reading the late night away with some top scribbling (and wishing the reviews/ articles were longer).

    Kloipy – especially pleased for you, mate. Deserved that Zachary award – and yer Stand By Me review is a beautiful thing as well. Tear in me eye…


    We rock.

    • Jarv says :


      to be added to


    • kloipy says :

      thanks Wolf! As always it’s a pleasure to read your comments. I am quite fond of my SBM review, probably my personal fave, but I’m so humbled to have won in that category. Just makes me want to write more.
      But really it all comes down to you all, my friends. I hope that we can continue this on down the road, and if the fates deem it possible we can all come together someday and share many pints.

    • Barfy says :

      As long as we’re all here, Wolf thank you for turning me on to some great movies. Dam Busters to Quatermass, movies I never would have seen had it not been for you and your write ups. You’re a good guy Wolf.

      • ThereWolf says :

        Aww, shit, Barfy… now I’m all embarrassed.

        Was The Dam Busters me or somebody else? I mean, I’d recommend it anyway – but me memory isn’t what it used to be…

      • Barfy says :

        It was you Wolf. You’ve recommended a couple to me and all have been great choices.

  12. xiphos0311 says :

    Congrats to everybody’s favorite David Icke disciple Nostalgia on his win, it was a gutty victory the nutter butter pulled out.

    Congrats freakazoid you are, undoubtedly, the biggest fruitcake to visit WOTM in it’s first year, and as of the writing of this post, EVER to have shown up at WOTM.

  13. M. Blitz says :

    Good job guys, and happy anniversary!

  14. ThereWolf says :

    Okay, who’s gonna volunteer to go over to AICN and present Harry with his award?

    Maybe we could e-mail him with a picture of it…

  15. Bartleby says :

    straight from the whore’s mouth:

    “That’s a joke,” says Murphy, defending the moniker. “The stationery has a really angry smiley face. I know what my reputation is in town — difficult, great taste, gets movies made. To me, that’s fine. I’m not trying to win a popularity contest. You don’t get movies made by being friendly. You get movies made by saying you have to make this movie. There are so many people involved in making a movie, there’s so much petty bullshit and egos and personalities that get involved that at a certain point you realize the only way is to just put your head down and ram. It’s not really about being liked.”

    “Anyway, I have mellowed somewhat as I’ve gotten older. But at the end of the day, I’m from New York. I don’t have kids, I don’t have dogs, I don’t have a big huge house with a pool — and there are easier ways to make money. I just want to make movies. So don’t get in my way, and I’ll be your best friend. But if you get in my way, don’t be surprised if I smash this ashtray into your head. Maybe that makes me a colorful personality.”

  16. Tom_Bando says :

    And here we are…the presentation hath been made…

    Award time for Harold!!!!
    by Sal_Bando Oct 9th, 2010
    07:08:15 PM
    From all of us over at Werewolves on the Moon— The Second Chin of Murphy for Cunt of the Year * Producers * Harry Knowles Step right up Knowles, you fat fucking dickhead. Pulling a whopping 86% of the vote, you are clearly a massive, massive cunt. There are so many individual instances of cuntishness, such as, say, your Blade 2 review, but what’s won you this one is the ridiculous, obnoxious, slavering praise you gave to that foul tripe A Serbian Film. You are a disgusting fucking creep and are now almost beyond satire. Yes indeedie Harold, yer a winner Going Away. Just thought you’d wanna know.

    Just had to.

  17. Barfy says :

    Late to the party as usual.

    Happy Birthday Moonwolvians!!! What a great year. You guys have given me laughs daily. So much humor and wit contained in these pages, please make a first draft of Astrodykes vs Werewolves on the Moon a reality.

    On to year #2, bigger and better.

  18. Barfy says :

    Jarv, please thank Mrs Jarv for letting us have so much of your time. And thank you for putting all the awards together. A lot of work and nicely done.

  19. Col Tigh-Fighter says :

    Excellent read, guys!

    Keep up the good work.

    And Harrys award couldnt be more deserving.

  20. Continentalop says :

    Excellent job Jarv.

    And Xi is being modest. I think it was his breakdown of Way of the Gun that won it for us.

    Well, that and Barfy taking our serious of random words and molding them into something that resembled two people writing in English. Yeah, she’s the one who actual deserves it.

  21. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    Congratulations to everyone for their well deserved awards. I’m very much looking forward to reading all your funny/angry/insightful/entertaining thoughts on films and whatnot over the next year.

    And thanks again to Jarv for putting all this together. It was fun to read and remember all the great stuff people have posted in the site’s first year.

    • Jarv says :

      If you want to contribute something Frank, just send it to me. Otherwise, it’s good to see you back.

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        Thanks for the offer (and for the kind words above), but I’m strictly a reader these days. I get more fun out of reading everyone else’s stuff than writing my own, so I’ll be sticking with that.

      • Jarv says :

        Fair enough.

      • Continentalop says :

        It’s because of Last House on Dead End Street, isn’t it? Nothing can top that experience.

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        Yep, that one broke me. I was like Cool Hand Luke after he dug up/filled in all those holes after I’d reviewed Last House On Dead End Street.

        “Oh God, please don’t hit me no more. I got my mind right, boss.”

      • ThereWolf says :

        Shame that, Franklin. Coz you’ve got a lot to offer on the reviewing side of things.

        I still managed to read your The Thing review which inspired me to buy the blu-ray in your AWOL honour.

        Just have a think about it is all I’m saying…

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        Thanks, ThereWolf.

        It’s good to know I helped spread a little John Carpenter love around.

  22. Spud McSpud says :

    Congratulations all on a magnificent first year, and hearty flagons of foaming ale to all those worthy winners!! Other than the fact that SOLOMON KANE didn’t win anything, it was all awesome. You all put a lot of heart and soul into this site, and it ain’t going unnoticed. You’re now an essential part of my daily net surfage, and always shall be. World without end, Amen.

    Well done, and high-fives to those coked-up monkey butlers 😀

    • kloipy says :

      thanks Spud, it’s been great having you around just let us know if you ever want to submit anything!

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Cheers kloipy – It’s been a while since I’ve been able to plough through the kind of stuff Jarv’s been going through, but I’d be honoured to submit an “Under-rated 80s VHS Classics” piece or something to that effect. I’m thinking not enough people appreciate the insane genius of movies like THE WRAITH or NINJA III: THE DOMINATION…

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Kudos on the CREEPSHOW review, by the way. Great review – and I fucking LOVE the third segment of CREEPSHOW 2, “The Hitchhiker”. Never fails to have me fall off the sofa, pissing myself laughing at it, every Halloween. Absolutely fantastic stuff…

        But yeah, the return of the drowned corpses in CREEPSHOW gave me nightmares for years. Nice to see that movie get some love…

      • kloipy says :

        awesome Spud, just let one of us know when you want to post and we’ll set you up.
        thanks for the Kudos. i’m such fan of Creepshow, one of my all time favorites. Creepshow 2 is good, with the Raft and the Hitchhiker. Don’t waste your time on the 3rd one, Stephen King had nothing to do with it. However Romero and King are possibly doing a new Creepshow (not a remake), so hopefully it will be better than Romero’s last 2 projects

      • Jarv says :

        Wouldn’t be hard.

        Spud, if you want to ever post anything- email it to any of us, and we’ll stick it up for you. More the merrier and all that.

    • ThereWolf says :

      Always a pleasure to see you dropping by Spud!

      Thanks for finding us and your welcome regular comments – and everything else everybody else is saying. Cheers!

  23. koutchboom says :

    Yeah great job Jarv for putting this all together. You get the award for Werewolf of the year.

    • Jarv says :

      Thanks, but this place is a collective effort- I’m just the cunt that types at 60 wpm and works updating websites for a living.

      Skills, and whatnot.

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