The CoC Awards: The Site
Get the fuck out of my coke. BAD MONKEY BUTLER PUT THAT DOWN.
What do you mean I’m on again? Where the fuck is Vegas? Oh, shit…
Apologies, hope everyone had a nice intermission, but we’re back with the site Awards, so with no further ado…
Before I start the awards themselves, this was actually harder to put together and more harsh on individual nominations than the Cinema ones. Pretty much every single contributor received at least one nod, and many times we nominated different articles by the same contributor. In the end, I was stuck with two alternatives- put up all of them, or stick with the “minimum 2 nominations” from the cinema awards. So because I’m a lazy bastard, I went with the latter- So I just want to take this opportunity to say commiserations to Droid and Wolf who managed to pull somewhere in the region of 20 (haven’t a clue actually, just pulled it out of the air, but it is a lot) individual nominations between them and missed out on the vast majority of shortlists through sheer bad luck. So in this instance, I’ve decided to add a
Always the Bridesmaid Award
It goes to Therewolf on the basis that Droid did make some actual categories. Great work, I really enjoyed them.
Title of the Year.
- Inglorious Assturds: The Bowl Winder Review
- That’s! How you Vampire
- Videodrome for Pussies: Existenz
- Kloipy Commits Suicide while watching all about Steve
I think this section of the awards is going to run true to prediction, actually as Xiphos takes this with Inglorious Assturds: The Bowl Winder Review. Very funny stuff
Rant of the Year
- Jarv and Droid with the Splice Series
- Barfy with “The Blind Side”
- Kloipy with “Kloipy Commits Suicide while watching all about Steve”
- Xiphos with “Inglorious Assturds: The Bowl Winder Review”
Again, no shock here, but Xiphos romped home with a whopping 67% of the vote. That isn’t really a shock as any review that contains the line:
To be fair sir, it’s not entirely your fault. The slavering, asshole licking, want to be hipster dumb fucks that hold you up as some sort of skilled and talented movie maker fuel my hatred for you and your talentless humongous head.
Is probably going to win. So, Congratulations to Xiphos, and if you want to relive the full glory of the rant, click here
Review of the Year
- Jarv with I, Lucifer
- Kloipy with Dear Zachary
- Xiphos with The Last Picture Show
Again, by an absolute landslide- Kloipy with Dear Zachary takes the gong. This was an absolutely excellent heartfelt review for a film that I’m never going to watch. To relive the glory, click here
Article of the Year
- Xi and Conti with “We Deal in Lead, Friend”
- Droid with “An Unbiased Box-Office Analysis
- Xi and Conti with “Battle Royale”
And the winner is: Xi and Conti with “We Deal in Lead, Friend”
I don’t think anyone can complain about this one, really. Congratulations, guys, a marathon effort and some genuinely sterling work. To read part 2 again, click here
I didn’t know this but Barfy also edited this post- so congratulations to her as well- it read brilliantly, was hugely fascinating and looked great. Top stuff
The ContinentalOp Award for Ridiculous Challenge of the Year.
Well, sigh, here we go:
- Jarv with Thundercrack!
- Koutch’s Adventures in Terrible Comedy
- Droid’s Birthday Series.
Anyone want to take a guess which one was triumphant here? Anyone? You at the back? Well, you’re all wrong it was Droid’s Birthday Series.
Alright, it clearly fucking wasn’t- it was me with Thundercrack! Almost completely unanimous, I would like to thank the three people that that didn’t vote for it. Thanks, but a futile effort.
Here’s the challenge:
You know, one of you fucks is going to have to watch and review THUNDERCRACK! I saw it TWICE, and I am not going to ever watch it again. But I think it just came out on DVD and this one is just screaming for someone to review.
As requested by Conti- in the event of it winning here’s the actual first live quote from me while watching it
This is shit.
I’m listening to a conversation about how her son gerald liked giving enemas.
Fuck me conti- what have you done to me?
Anyway, I’d like to thank God, Drugs, my mother, some teacher I once had that I’m pretty certain was a lesbian, erm, God, and would just like to say that this award is for all those expensively educated white people out there that are just struggling to make it in this world. Keep up the good fight.
The Second Chin of Murphy for Cunt of the Year
- Harry Knowles
Step right up Knowles, you fat fucking dickhead. Pulling a whopping 86% of the vote, you are clearly a massive, massive cunt. There are so many individual instances of cuntishness, such as, say, your Blade 2 review, but what’s won you this one is the ridiculous, obnoxious, slavering praise you gave to that foul tripe A Serbian Film. You are a disgusting fucking creep and are now almost beyond satire.
Weird Comment by a non-regular
- Don Murphy
Another close one this, but Nostalgia just edges out Murphy with 47% of the vote. Which goes to show that Murphy can be defeated, but only if you really believe in the lizard people:
i was swallowed alive by a gigantic snake during a riitual sacrifice 2,000 years ago in one of my past lives.
Note idiosyncratic use of grammar, complete medication skipping lunacy, and the fact that he supplied a site to substantiate his claim. A fruit loop.
Search of the Year
- Cunt Sewing
- Emma Stone Zombieland
- Possibly homosexual Jarv
- Don Murphy fat Cretin
- Big Titted Prize Fighters
- Slutty Bitches in Post Feminist America
The winner is Slutty Bitches in Post Feminist America which is awesome because it’s another nod to Bitch Slap, and it polled 25% of the vote with a tie for second on 19%. Close
Catchphrase of the Year
- Pint Sized Stabbery
- But for pussies
- Fuck you. Cunt
Another close one, but Pint Sized Stabbery narrowly edged out the prosaic Fuck you. Cunt for the win polling 40% of the vote.
Rating System of the Year
Another landslide, but everyone’s favourite sad ape won: The Orangutan of Doom polled a massive 79% of the vote.
Tag of the Year
We’ve had a lot of fun with these tags, but when it came to the nomination process, one tag was nominated by absolutely everybody, so, and this isn’t going to be a shock- congratulations to Don Murphy is a Fat Cunt for receiving universal endorsement.
Right, that’s that done. Thanks again to everybody that contributed over the last 12 months, and I hope that we can continue with this much good material.
I’m heading to the party to retrieve my drugs from the monkey butler.
Honestly, you just can’t get the help.
See you later,