The CoC Awards: Part 4- Site Nominations

Well, this one should be easier than the cinema ones.

This time out, it’s the awards for work we’ve done on the site. The reason I think this is a good idea, is that we made it to 1 year old, we’ve lost a few good Changians who will hopefully return, but we’ve done some damned entertaining stuff and I, personally, think it’s worth celebrating.

Same rules as last time- at least two nods to get a nomination. Unless I explain otherwise, or it’s just for the little ones where it is a lot easier to just put the poll up, and they’re self-explanatory.

So with no further ado:

Title of the Year

  • Xiphos: Inglourious Ass-Turds: the bowl winder review

Yes, I am still laughing at this one.

  • Koutch: That’s! How you Vampire.

Gotta love the completely random use of an exclamation mark.

  • Kloipy: Kloipy Commits Suicide While Watching “All About Steve

Can’t say I blame him

  • Jarv: Videodrome for Pussies: Existenz

Yup, thank you Koutch- impeccable timing.

Rant of the Year

Oh boy, we do tend to have explosive tempers with films. These are the most nominated rant reviews that we’ve done. Thundercrack! did receive about 3 nominations, but isn’t appearing here, as it isn’t so much me ranting as rocking back and forth with tears of misery falling down my face. Instead, I’ve gone for one of the other ones that was nominated. Really, though, nothing else matters as this one has a clear winner:

  • Xiphos with “Inglorious Assturds: The Bowl Winder Review”

Possibly the angriest article any of us have written- containing such gems as “Fuck you Cokey McFrankensteinhead WE ARE DONE PROFESSIONALLY” and the most complete reaming of an overrated hack that any of us have managed. To read the full angry missive, and it is worth it, click here.

  • Barfy with “The Blind Side”

Barfy is probably the nicest person on here. So how bad has something got to be to piss her off to such an extent that she’d open a review with

Root canals, tattoo removal, bikini waxing, piercings. Oh, sorry. Thinking out loud what I would rather endure than watch The Blind Side again.

Very funny stuff, and a deserved reaming for an odious sack of shit that gave us “Academy Award Winner Sandra Bullock”. To read it in all it’s glory, click here

  • Kloipy with “Kloipy Commits Suicide while Watching All About Steve”

Someone took his angry pills before this one. Fucking hilarious stuff that offers the serious alternative of “Racing yourself to the bottom of a bottle of Draino” rather than watching that film. A savage and damning indictment of a “comedy” that failed on every level. To read again, click here

  • Jarv and Droid for the Splice series

The thing about this, is that the reviews weren’t that angry. Sure, I did use the expression “Fuck no” in the actual review, but where this became somewhat special was in the appearance of human blimp Murphy in the changback. A truly surreal experience, that grew gradually angrier and eventually culminated in the fat cunt sending me an email threatening physical violence. Still, all good fun. I can’t be arsed to hyperlink to 4 separate articles, but here’s Droid’s original that has the epic contribution from the Late Don Simpson, which includes the never to be missed line:

The road to hits like Top Gun is paved with a thousand nights of teens(and the odd preteen) blasting my face with the tang of juvenile urine as we ski the cocaine slopes of the Witching Hour.

Review of the Year

  • Jarv with “I, Lucifer”

Well, I was surprised this one got the nod. Still, looking back at it, it was one of my best bits of writing. If you want to reread it, it’s here.

  • Kloipy with “Kloipy is broken by Dear Zachary”

This was outstanding, a touching, raw, genuinely emotional response to a truly touching film. Simply an outstanding piece of writing, as the near universal nominations for it attest. If you want to reread it to remind yourself, click here

  • Xiphos with “The Last Picture Show”

This is a top film, and Xi really did it justice in arguably his finest non-rant review to date. This was a clear, coherent review that actually motivated my lazy self into finding a copy of it for another rewatch. Great stuff. To read it click here

Article of the Year

  • Xiphos v ContinentalOp with the Battle Royale of Movie Fight Scenes. (Edited by Barfy)

Tough one to beat this one, Spread over two posts, our two intrepid reviewers clinically and skilfully dissected nineteen of the finest non-gunplay movie fight scenes. And Gangs of New York. Erudite, informative, and hugely entertaining, this was probably the pinnacle of our non-review material. An absolutely superb job to the guys, and it would be scandalous not to mention Barfy’s sterling work in putting it together. To reread the second one, click here

  • ContinentalOp and Xi with “We Deal in Lead friend”.

This is just greedy now. As if they hadn’t already outdone themselves with the dissection of fight scenes, they then moved on to gunplay. I do have to say that Xi’s description of Way of the Gun and realism was one of the most fascinating reads of the year. Why can’t Hollywood get it right? That’s pretty much a blueprint of how to do it. Kudos, gentlemen. To read the second part, click here.

  • Droid with “An Unbiased Box Office Analysis”

Unbiased my arse. Still, there’s nothing more enjoyable than a bit of electronic schadenfreude, and that fat dickhead really had this coming. Talk about hoist by your own petard. I nearly cried laughing when I saw this, and can only say well played sir. To read it again, click here

The ContinentalOp Award for Ridiculous Challenge of the Year.

Conti is spot on. The clear winner of this is Droid, for not being stupid enough to take any of them on. The clear loser is probably Frank for taking all of them on. Which does at least show dedication. Nevertheless, I think I know what wins this, what with helpful nominations like “Anything that made Jarv go fetal and swear off the booze for a day has to be the winner here.” (Thank you Bodet). Nevertheless- here we go:

  • Jarv with Thundercrack!

Ha Ha. Everyone enjoyed their moment of laughter at the poor sap that took on a challenge that still (Conti was right) induces fucking flashbacks? Righto, then, just in case you want to reread me crying like a little girl click here.

  • Koutchboom with “Adventures in terrible comedy”

My Christ, why would you do this to yourself? Nevertheless, it’s been an entertaining ride watching Koutch watch film after film that can only be described as dreadfully unfunny. I think he’s hoping to unearth a lost gem in there, but when you’re doing a series and the best film in it so far is Superhero Movie, you may well be fucked.

  • Droid for “The Birthday Series”.

I considered disqualifying him from this, for ducking Spawn, but any series as crazily misguided as this one is bound to be entertaining. It’s a marathon job that he’s about half way through, so expect to find the last review in it sometime in 2014.

The Second Chin of Murphy Award for Cunt of the Year

Hilariously, we all nominated someone different. However, I’ve managed to find a common occupation between most of the nominees, so am going to collectively group them together- only one suggestion got more than one nod, and here it is:

  • Harry Knowles for myriad reasons but in particular the ridiculously onanistic praise for A Serbian Film

Loathsome fat dickhead. What the fuck is wrong with him? Of all of us, only Koutch was nuts enough to sit through it, but according to AICN this odious and offensive piece of torture porn was:

SERBIAN FILM is a brilliant movie. The very best film that I saw at SXSW 2010.

Or, and I personally cannot believe this one:

Imagine a film written by Paul Schrader at the height of his seventies super powers directed with the handsome presentation of a David Fincher.

Had enough? How about:

Lovecraft would be proud of this descent into madness ending.

As if it’s not bad enough been an ugly ginger fatass with the style and grace of roadkill. Harry Knowles, a very, very worthy candidate for Cunt of the Year.

  • Producers

I nominated the fucks behind The Descent 2. Conti nominated the fucks behind the LTROI remake. Koutch blamed Marvel for Iron Man 2. Then there’s Murphy himself. What do these tossers have in common? They all have no understanding of their source material and do it a disgraceful disservice.

Cunts. The lot of them.

Weird Comment by a Non-Regular of the Year

We had some good ones- here are the ones that managed to stick in our minds enough to get more than one nomination-

  • Don Murphy

I don’t think so much weird as deluded.

  • Nostalgia in Lair of the White Worm

i was swallowed alive by a gigantic snake during a riitual sacrifice 2,000 years ago in one of my past lives.

FEAR THE LIZARD PEOPLE!!! FEAR THEM!!!

Fucking idiot.

  • Anonymous in “All About Steve”

oh come on! the movie isnt that bad! and anyway since mary is autistic sandra’s acting is appropriate! unles u dont know wat autism is!

I would suggest, sir or madam, that it possibly may be you that is autistic.

Kloipy does seem to be a magnet for these nutters.

  • Trisha in “Michael Jackson “This is it” is it”

his name is JACKSON and if you love music at all or perfecting your craft i think you’ll enjoy the movie. it’s focuses on MJ the ARTIS

And

well you’ll be disappointed because michael is singing with the angels, something you’ll never experience with ur satanic ass

And!

fuck you, there’s no proof of any of that. you really have some hatred issues.

And !?!

what a stupid comment, i’m sure u can some up with something better than that.

And !?!?!

wow so MANY haters damn. i neber considered myself an MJ fan but i don’t hate the man, he was found not guilty and the family seemed greedy to me. alot of you are just judging him with giving any thought into u reasonings which are illogical.

ANYWAYS i saw the movie and it’s freakin awsome, michael concerts would have been KICK ASS, don’t even compare him to elvis in his last days because MJ was still at the TOP of his game and this was ONLY rehearsals.

i never understood why some bashers say he hasn’t been relevant for 20 years when 99% of entertainers out today take from MJ’s book and us him as a mentor/guideline. to me he sounds pretty relevant.

Later losers.

This gets nominated for sheer fucking persistence, and is why Care in the community doesn’t work. Just be thankful she’s got an internet connection not a carving knife.

Search of the Year

Lots to pick from- here’s a selection that we all put up:

Catchphrase of the Year

A good few to pick from again- here are some memorable moments:

  • Olyphantitis.

Defined as a strange disease that can only be cured by watching Hitman

  • But for Pussies

Deary, dearie me.

  • Pint-sized stabbery

Pretty self-explanatory

  • Fuck you. Cunt

Ditto

Rating System of the Year

Only two contenders here- nice and simple. Which is just as well, because I’m getting brain cramp.

  • The Orangutan of Doom.

Indeed. First found by Xiphos, first used by me. The double eye poke fuck you unhappy ape became the rating of choice for awful films. I think I’ve used it more than anyone else. Which says a lot about my viewing habits.

  • Koutch’s Comedy rating system

Many funny ones to choose from here. In fact, they were usually funnier than the films. Anyhoo, here are some examples:

 

Gay Cottages

 

 

Southwestern Airlines seats

 

Tag of the Year

We did some creative stuff with the tagging. However, when it came to the crunch I can’t put up a poll for this one. Wait and see what the clear winner is.  As if you don’t know.

Anyhow, that’s it- the whole nominations process is now complete. It’s been a marathon job, but all I’ve got left to do is count the results, and put up the winners on the weekend.

Finally, it’s been a fun year, and it’s nice to see us all recognised in these polls- here’s to another great year for the church, and thanks to everyone that has helped my productivity level plummet to zero.

Until next time,

Jarv

 

 

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

26 responses to “The CoC Awards: Part 4- Site Nominations”

  1. Jarv says :

    Well, that’s me voted.

    Thank the lord that this is done.

    Results up on Saturday UK time (Technically Friday US Time)

  2. Droid says :

    WHAT!? No nomination for that unholy cunt Bradley “Bag of Cocks” Cooper? HE WAS ROBBED!

    • Jarv says :

      That’s not quite true.

      There was one.

      I also feel Jude Law was unlucky, but I’m sure his persistent cuntishness will see him up again next year.

  3. kloipy says :

    votes in! Let’s wait for the tallyh

    great job on these Jarv

    • Jarv says :

      Cheers.

      It’s been a slog doing this. Ordinarily when I do it, I can just type away for a bit and done. This time I had to stop, go back, count, come back, type, stop, go back etc.

      It was driving me nuts towards the end.

  4. Jarv says :

    The one real bonus of doing this, was that I got to go back and reread a lot of the stuff we’ve done, and to be honest, Barfy’s Blind Side Review was absolutely brilliant, and I’d forgotten.

    Barfy should write more stuff.

  5. LB says :

    Voted. oops it was Title of the year…hmmm welll that would be Xiphos on that one-oops but ahh well-assTurds

  6. ThereWolf says :

    Worthy noms all. No matter who wins, I can’t see any losers up there.

    Also, thanks to anyone who gave my stuff a shout out. It’s been a shit year for me (resulting in a lengthy retreat) and this site has been a lifeline. It was nice to come back and write some little bits of bollocks for all you fine folk. Love ya!

    Cheers.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      You earned my votes Wolf.

    • kloipy says :

      Wolf- it’s been great getting to know you my friend, and if you ever need to reach out, even over the net, we got your back!

    • Jarv says :

      Wolf, actually you and Droid were the unlucky 2 in this, everybody nominated your stuff, but everybody did a different article- so as I was doing at least 2 you missed out. I am going to address this in the awards ceremony.

      It’s been good to have you here.

  7. xiphos0311 says :

    I do have to say that Xi’s description of Way of the Gun and realism was one of the most fascinating reads of the year

    Jarv if that incoherent mess was fascinating you need to get out more.

    • Jarv says :

      You do yourself a disservice.

      What I know about gunfights and good practice is pretty much zero, and that description of how they depicted it, and how it should be done was genuinely enlightening.

      Good stuff all round.

  8. Tom_Bando says :

    Much fun to read there Jarv, a fine re-counting of the past years low and highlights.

    A list of the missing Changians would include:

    *The PaZoozoo–but he’s around(some).

    *Toad’s Killer Dog–where is he?

    *Mr Marmoset-oh wait he’s back amongst the living.

    *Marva—gone?

    *D.Vader–cameo appearances.

    *Orcus.–never shows.

    *HerrMilflover–sporadic appearances.

    *Chipps–surfaces to insult Droid.

    *Stuntcock–Like Herr M-around some.

    *Fred’s Balls in Jar–hasn’t been here in a dog’s age.

    • kloipy says :

      don’t forget Morbius!
      I talk to Orcus a good deal on FB, he’s doing good. Milflover should come around more often, it’s been awhile.
      Miss all the others too

  9. xiphos0311 says :

    Jarv excellent work on putting both of these posts together. I can see it took a lot of work and it is well put together.

  10. kloipy says :

    I love the first part of Trisha’s statement, it sounds like a blaxplotation movie
    ‘His Name is JACKSON”

  11. Jarv says :

    DocP drops in and out. Mavra has nuptials,

    The missing ones are Milf, TKD, Orcus and Fred

  12. just pillow talk says :

    Yup, I voted as well.

    And just a general observation..

    Everyone’s (including even Droid) write-ups are solid to quite excellent, and I think everyone has churned out something that qualifies as excellent.

    So as someone who gets to sit back and read your reviews on all things changian and otherwise, I’d like to show my appreciation…

    GOOD JOB CUNTS!

  13. Fish Oil says :

    i had a huge crush on Sandar Bullock when i was still in college, for me, she is the prettiest actress ~’~

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