The Coc Awards: Part 3- The nominations are

This is the cinema part of these awards. Over the last few weeks, we’ve asked for your thoughts on category, and then we asked everyone for nominations. I’ve now collated them all, and these are the most nominated in each category. I’m putting it to the vote, so it’s all public etc, but don’t forget how easy it is to bribe me!.

First up: The Cinema Awards. Where at all possible, I’ll link to a review that we’ve got up. A lot of them we haven’t reviewed which is a bit odd, given the amount of crap we have squandered bandwidth on. Otherwise, just take my word for it. All finalists received more than one nomination with one exception, that I’ll explain when it comes up.

Film of the Year

  • Inception:

This received a pretty strong nomination with at least 3 of us voting for it. Me, I have no strong feelings about it either way, due entirely to not having seen it. Still, Droid reckons it’s the bollocks praising it with this:

“Definitely. This is the best film of 2010 thus far and it demands the big screen experience. I’ll be seeing it again before it leaves theatres.”

  • A Prophet

Weirdly, not one of us reviewed this, so no recommendation can be given for it other than mine. It’s a monster of a film, and the best prison drama that I’ve seen in a long time. Gripping, well acted and genuinely superb, my only regret is that I let Mrs. Jarv talk me out of seeing it in the cinema.

  • Bitch Slap

A certain monkey did review this one, and gave rise to the notable search “Slutty Bitches in Post Feminist America”.  Still, Bitch Slap is a hilarious pastiche of 1970’s exploitation. Sleazier than a pimp, and funnier than a fat person falling over, it’s a razor-sharp parody of stupid subject matter. Not to mention that it is also possibly the “Cleavegiest film of all time”.  I for one will be pissed if it doesn’t take home at least one award.

  • Centurion

Stabbery! Dominic West overacting! Violence! Made up history! Neil Marshall! Stabbery!

Centurion was a shoddily treated little film. It was made on a shoe string and essentially tells the myth behind the “lost” Roman Legion. It’s a rip-roaring ride and more violent than two steroid addled weasels fighting in a sack. With solid acting, massive amounts of bloodshed and genuinely gripping action this is another that I regret not seeing in the cinema. To think I saw that shit 2033 instead. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s Droid again. Talk about high praise:

‘Centurion’ is a terrific film, made on a small budget by an immensely talented filmmaker.

  • Where the Wild Things Are

Droid put this in his best of the decade here. He’s right, this is a great film. Jonze takes a children’s classic and turns it on its head. A touching, scary, sad little film with one of the finest voice performances I’ve heard from Gandolfini. Not a lot more to say about this one.

  • How to Train Your Dragon

2010 was the year that Pixar were finally thrashed by Dreamworks. How did this happen? Well, Pixar released the cash-in Toy Story 3, whereas Dreamworks produced a gorgeous, original, wonderful film.

Again, I haven’t seen it, but that seems to be the gist of it from those that have.

The Chris Klein Award for Male Acting Achievement

  • Dominic West: Centurion

Dominic West seems to have been around forever without really making it big. Surely, though, That his turn in Centurion should propel him into the big time. We’ve seen him eat a little bit of scenery in that turdfest 300, and we’ve seen him eat a bit more scenery in the underrated Punisher War Zone, but here he sat down and chewed as much scenery as he could get in his mouth, before going back for more. His General Virilus was completely badass and hugely entertaining. Pity he died, really.

  • James Purefoy: Solomon Kane

Anyone that’s seen Rome knows that Purefoy is a seriously good actor. However, here he had the unenviable task of portraying a deeply unsympathetic Puritan killing machine. In a west country accent. Which, now I type it, sounds completely ridiculous (nobody from the west country can be badass. Ask whatshisname that was meant to play Darth Vader before they got James Early Jones). That Purefoy manages it, is testament to what a great performance this is, and I really, really hope they make a sequel. They won’t, but the thought of the Cornishman in another round of demonic stabbery is a great one.

  • Michael Caine: Harry Brown

In a career littered with iconic performances and garlanded with almost every award under the sun, it’s surprising that the great man can still be bothered to turn in a performance like this one. Harry Brown is a vigilante pensioner with emphysema that clears up his estate. This is a superb performance, being sympathetic, harrowing and frightening on occasion. If Caine were to bring the curtain down on a glittering career right now, then this would be a wonderful swansong.

  • Michael Jai White: Black Dynamite

Black Dynamite is the other of the outstanding parodies released in the last 12 months. Jai White plays the titular character, and plays it with a smile on his face, and real affection for the blaxploitation garbage he’s mimicking. It’s a charismatic performance that overwhelms the rest of the film and he’s never less than entertaining. Just remember that he told you not to interrupt his kung-fu.

  • Nicholas Cage: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

We all love the Hairpiece. He’s the most consistently deranged actor doing the rounds at the moment, and is never anything other than hugely entertaining. (I’ve conducted a Stalinist purge on City of Angels). Bad Lieutenant seems him at his most OTT and is, I’m told, probably the most hilarious performance of the year. If a bit of toupeed lunacy floats your boat, then vote for the man with the incomprehensible syrup.

  • Woody Harrelson: Lots of things.

Has 2010 been the year of the Woody? He was great in Zombieland, Droid swears that he’s good in Defendor, and he’s the only person that realised that 2012 was a steaming bucket of faeces. For pure consistency and pure excellence in a wide range of roles, Woody must be a contender.

The Emma Stone-Zombieland Award for best Actress

Thankfully, because I’m starting to get tired, this was a crap year for actresses. There’s only 4 here that got more than one nomination:

  • Emma Stone: Zombieland,

Nuff’ said.

  • Maggie Gylenhall: Crazy Heart

I’m shocked at this one personally, I haven’t seen the film, but the amount of shit that we’ve slung her way in the last 12 months suggests that the fact that she managed to poll more than two nominations means that this must have been one fuck of a performance.

  • Kristen Stewart: The Runaways

Again, I haven’t seen this one. To quote Xi, though: “Who knew she could act?” Well, nobody that has sat through Twilight, but I saw Fierce People and she was outstanding in it. Another actress that we take pot-shots at for fun, again the fact that she got multiple nods means this must have been another great turn.

If it wins, though, and we have to give an award to the fucking Mormon Propaganda pin-up girl…

  • Olga Kurylenko: Centurion

A great turn this one. Marshall cast her entirely on her looks, and the fact that she looks like she’d fuck you, beat the shit out of you, then kill you. Unfortunately, he forgot that she has a thick slavic accent. Therefore, to make this remotely credible, her character was entirely mute for the entire film. That she managed to be so fucking menacing, and still strangely sexy, is a tribute to what will go down as one of the great underrated performances of this decade.


This was for films that got unfairly fucked by idiotic distribution- and named in honour of the one and only OUTLANDER! (Motherfuckers). Each one of these got squashed by some big budget- over-marketed crap, so let’s show them some love.

  • Solomon Kane

Released in the UK back in the fucking winter, and completely crushed by that redundant and worthless sack of shit Alice in Wonderland. Solomon Kane is a fantastic and hugely enjoyable slice of stabbery. Great fun, and deserved a lot more love

  • Centurion

A British film, made with Arts Council money, by the only great British genre director for a shoestring that still manages to be epic. So what happened to the distribution for it in its home country, the only place in the world it was likely to be a hit? It was on one screen in all of London. Fuck you distributors, and fuck you cinemas. Did Iron Man 2 really need 95 billion screenings a day?

  • Black Dynamite

What the fuck happened here? Sony deliberately mangled it, and it sank with nary a trace. Which is a shame, because it’s a sharp-as-lemon-juice parody that treats its victim with affection and funny as hell. Crying bloody shame.

  • Defendor

Like Kick Ass, but not shit. At least that’s what I gather. Still, I can’t actually recall this one getting a release at all, which is a crying shame, because Woody is meant to be great in it, and it’s meant to be an all-round entertaining film. Whereas Kick Ass is apparently shit.

The Underrated film of the Year

  • The Rocket

Koutch raved and raved about this film here with such heady praise as:

In the end, watch this movie. It’ll put some hair on your chest and make you hate all sports players of today, also it will make you want to play hockey without a helmet so you can fight better.

He’s probably wrong about the fighting thing (I’m a coward), but the sentiment seems to be spot on. And yet, who had even heard of it before the excitable little fella found it? The Rocket is destined for cinematic obscurity, and that’s damned unfair.

  • Pandorum

Well, the omens for this one weren’t good. It’s a sciffy original (usually a guaranteed sign of suckitude) and sank without trace on release. However, don’t be disheartened, because it did star Dennis Quaid, and is, against all odds, actually good. Sure, the end may be a bit of a mess, but in the words of Wolf  “It’s a grower”. Just in case that isn’t enough, here’s Koutch’s full review.

  • The Crazies

Again, this is another one that the omens weren’t good for. It’s based on a Romero film, and we all know how well those get remade (Fuck you Snyder). Worse than that, though, it was directed on a nepotistic hire, and had little in the way of budget. It should, by all accounts, have been thoroughly mediocre, if not shit. And yet, the stars aligned and a stomping little piece of entertainment battled through its deeply unimpressive pedigree. Xi lauded this with a sterling review here.

The Changian Film of the Year

For me, there’s only one winner here- nevertheless, here are the nominees:

  • Bitch Slap

If this doesn’t win film of the year, it should win this one. We’ve all seen it, and we all love it. Hugely entertaining, lewd, crude, brazen stuff.

  • Solomon Kane

I’m running out of superlatives here- overlooked, unfairly buried, and magnificently entertaining. Not to mention that it’s got more incidents of stabbing than Brixton on Friday night.

  • Centurion

Well, it does seem that we do like violence and bloodshed. Still, Centurion is one of the most breathlessly entertaining films of the last 12 months and kicks some serious ass.

  • The Crazies.

We all like zombies. We all like apocalyptic films. We don’t like Romero. How was this good? I’m still waiting for an explanation, but never the less this film has been known to cause some strange affliction called Olyphantitis in the weak minded.

  • Black Dynamite

Hugely entertaining stuff. Hugely quotable, massively amusing and there’s plenty of chop-socky action. Watch it with beer and pizza and it’s in its element. Top stuff.

The Don Murphy Award for Cinematic Failure

Fat Cunt.

Thank fuck for this, as I’m all praised out. These are the most offensively useless films of the year (at least according to our rigorous nomination process). PS, this is the only one I’m cheating on- all the rest of the nominations received at least two nods, but I can’t believe that I was the only person to put up this revolting sack of shit- I think it must be because you all forgot about it:

  • The Descent Part 2

Fuck you. Cunts. This film is absolute dogshit. It’s ginormous failure on its own, but when taken into context it’s an insulting and rotten disgrace. I feel actively angry at this shit, and recommend that all copies of it are put into a nuclear missile and shot at France. This is the only fitting punishment I can think of for the French for fucking pushing it into the black. Which means that we’ll no doubt be on the receiving end of The Descent 3: Squeezing blood from a stone. If you want to read my full opinion on this sack of shit, click here

  • Iron Man 2

Koutch loves this one. Only kidding. Nobody does. Why would that be? Because it’s fucking atrocious and squashed many more worthwhile films. Droid eviscerated it here

  • Ninja Assassin

What a waste of a golden premise. Stupider than a poo eating retard, and according to Droid “so dark it makes AvP:Rectum look like it was shot on the surface of the sun”. Yikes.

  • Splice

Bet nobody saw this one coming. Me and Droid saw it first, and it is an absolutely wretched film. However, we all know why: That fat fucking creep Murphy had his grease stained paws all over it, so it must have been rushed into production before it was ready. With a script at least 3 drafts away from completion and a random act of bestiality, having your intelligence insulted has never been so dull. For Droid’s thoughts on it, click here or for my mini-review click here

  • Legion

I actually wanted to see this in the cinema, unfortunately less than whelming reviews started coming in, including this one of Milfs. So I missed it. However, everyone I know that has seen it describes it in what can only be described as purely fecal terms. A massive, massive failure.

That was a bit of a marathon, and I’m glad to say it’s done. The site-centric ones will go up tomorrow, with the results on Saturday. I have hidden them now, because I do want to keep some semblance of a surprise, but I will publish all of them with the award.

Oh, and someone please come up with a good gong to give them, else I’m handing out this golden graboid (hastily photoshopped pos) that looks like it came from Camden Market.

Until next time,


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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

27 responses to “The Coc Awards: Part 3- The nominations are”

  1. Jarv says :


    Well earned Cigarette Time.

    Oh, and my vote’s cast.

  2. Jarv says :

    And yes, I did cheat with the Descent 2. I just hate it so much that I think my vote was worth double for it.

  3. LB says :

    Mine as well-Dammit-I haven’t seen A prophet-so i voted for Inception.

  4. LB says :

    Yes-you should relax.

  5. Droid says :

    The most important votes are cast… mine. Really, mine should count as double because I’m twice as awesome as the rest of you.

    Great job here, Jarv.

  6. Droid says :

    The only film I haven’t seen on this list is The Rocket.

    It’s funny that so many people nominated A Prophet for best film, but no one nominated the main actor, who was superb.

  7. Bartleby says :

    I hate to be that guy but I think Jocelin Donahue (on account of Droid and myself) actually got two. Olga, as far as I can see, only got that one from myself. Unless you cast yours towards her as well.

    • Jarv says :

      I forgot every single actress in existence when I did mine. So, therefore, I fudged it on that category. I did, however, miss the one from House of the Devil- I realised after I voted, so she gets a special “Jarv is a fuckup and robbed me of a Chang Award mention” in the actual awards thing.

  8. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    Some hard choices there, but my votes are in. Looking forward to seeing who the winners are.

    Nice one for doing that, Jarv.

    P.S. Am I the only person here who liked Kick-Ass? Didn’t love it, but it was entertaining enough. Some good violence, a little girl who swears and kills people, some funny parts, and an OTT Adam West impersonation by Cage. I thought it was alright.

  9. Bartleby says :

    I like the graboid Jarv. Nice job.

  10. Jarv says :

    Cheers for all the kind words.

    I’m totally out of alcohol, so am going to the public house to procure some more.

  11. Bartleby says :

    also, is that dig at toy story a joke right? Cause Im pretty sure only Koutch thought it was a cash-in.

    • Jarv says :

      I’ve actually heard that elsewhere- believe it or not.

      It was originally a joke with a bit of hyperbole, when I planned this, but then I heard it again.

      It’s tongue-in-cheek

  12. Tom_Bando says :

    I actually (semi-) liked Iron Man Too, but it def. was a big disappointment considering how fun the first one was.

  13. ThereWolf says :

    Good work, Jarv.

    Actually, just received Where The Wild Things Are from Lovefilm – but of course I won’t be watching it in time. Don’t think it’ll edge out Inception in my mind anyway…

    Fucked up on lovefilm, just joined a week ago (coz they were offering a free month’s trial) but I’ve only set meself up with 3 films a month (plus 2 hours online viewing). So, WTWTA is my 3rd already – and the trial doesn’t run out till the 27th!

    Might have to change that when my account activates proper.

  14. xiphos0311 says :

    Fuck you Snyder

    by that Jarv I think you meant Thank you Snyder for stripping out all the douchtard ham fisted social commentary from the profoundly shitty original and filming a taunt slick interesting movie.

    • Jarv says :


      I actually meant:

      You suck satan’s goat balls snyder and I hope you develop a prolapsed rectum for the absolute shite that you did with that premise. Fucking Zombie Babies indeed.

  15. Tom_Bando says :

    And what’s this about John Henry and Tom Werner buying out a Liverpool Soccer team-?? that makes NO sense. They’ve done well for the Red Sox, sure-but…this is Odd.

    Monstrosity of the Year: A Serbian Film ( and Harold’s gushing review of Same). At least that’s my nomination.

  16. Barfy says :

    I’ve seen very few of the listed films mostly because I like comedy and, Black Dynamite notwithstanding, good comedy is pretty rare. That said, the film that sticks with me is A Prophet. Gritty realism and a standout performance from the lead. Excellent movie.

  17. Jarv says :

    Hi barfy.

    It has been a bad year for comedy.

    The site-centric awards go up tonight, so drop back in then as well, if you want you can still give them on the last award thread.

  18. just pillow talk says :

    Since I ain’t since 90% of these, I only voted twice: A Prophet and The Rocket.

  19. branchenbuch says :

    Super-Duper site! I am loving it!! Will come back again – taking you feeds also, Thanks.
    Hello. Great job. I did not expect this on a Wednesday. This is a great story. Thanks!

  20. suchheini says :

    Wow! what an idea ! What a concept ! Beautiful .. Amazing ? I usually don?t post in Blogs but your blog forced me to, amazing work.. beautiful ?

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