The Floater in the Bowl: Candyman 3

Sigh,

What a shitty way to finish this trilogy. I’ve actually struggled to write this review, because my first draft contained a record usage of the word cunt, even outstripping my previous best in Demon Cop with a simply mindboggling 42 usages. And it wasn’t funny. So this, my second attempt, will be a slightly less insane rant, and a slightly more considered look at the merits, or severe lack of said merits, of Candyman 3: Day of the Dead.

I’m starting to think that the monkey is right. Every horror series, whether trilogy or longer ends with an absolute stinker (honourable exception: Child’s Play- it got its stinker out of they way early). Even the mighty Leprechaun series finished with an absolute turkey of a film. To be absolutely honest, after the utterly middling Candyman 2, I didn’t have a huge amount of hope for this. My expectations were raised slightly by the appearance of a Playboy model- usually a surefire guarantee of massive amounts of surgically sculpted boob, but they were wrecked completely when I read that the Candyman himself, Tony Todd, reckons this is the worst film he’s ever been in. He’s wrong. Minotaur is, but that isn’t a recommendation for this. Still, I girdled my loins, poured a preparatory beer and rolled a medicative spliff and put it on.

Within three seconds of the film starting my already below sea-line levels of expectation had plummeted to depths usually associated with the bottom of the Mariana Trench. For some fucking reason, the makers of this stinker decided to completely ignore parts one and two and transplant the film to LA. While I can understand ignoring part 2, because it ain’t great, Part 1 is the good one. Surely if you’re making a second sequel, a good place to look for inspiration would be in the successful film of the series? Anyway, that’s what the makers did. To be fair, about 5 seconds in my hopes did climb off the bottom of the Pacific Ocean because of this:

Huzzah! Surely this is indicative of an actress about to spend the majority of the film in a state best described as “nakedness”, but no, the film was cockteasing. For some reason, and I don’t really understand why, this is Caroline. She’s the direct descendant of Robitaille, and the last of the family to own the Candyman’s paintings. I can, actually, see why he got lynched- he’s a crap artist and clearly had it coming. I haven’t seen more pathetic attempts at fake art in a movie since Burton’s Batman. Anyhoo, Caroline thinks that she’s got an undiscovered genius on her hands. She doesn’t, but that doesn’t stop her organising an exhibition of his dismal chocolate box art. At the exhibition, she says “Candyman” 5 times, and unleashes the ghost. The rest of the film is too tedious to go into- except it does turn out that he has a congregation, and the way you deal with him this time is to destroy the painting. The film finishes with her framing an asshole cop for the murders “to break the curse”. Which is a bit harsh considering the fact that although he was an asshole, he probably wasn’t killing people with supernatural honey bees or a big hook.

America's entrant in the 1999 Turner prize

The acting in this film is utterly hopeless. D’Errico was, aside from getting them out for Playboy, also in Baywatch, so as is to be expected can’t act. Tony Todd looks like he’d rather be anywhere other than in this dogshit, and the rest of the supporting cast aren’t worth a mention- aside from a strange cameo from one of the original actors in Nightmare on Elm St (which would also be a series to finish on one of it’s better entries were it not for the remake- which I haven’t seen, but will bet is shit, and Freddy v Jason). Good to see that Hollywood hasn’t completely forgotten him, although I do suspect that his most recent appearance on a screen is CCTV footage of him shoplifting in a 7-11.

This film makes a number of basic mistakes. The first is that they kept the weird and icky incest subplot from the previous film, except in a blazingly unsubtle scene actually show Caroline getting it on with the Candyman. In the past, that is, or it may be a dream, but I was beyond caring. Furthermore, it’s mind and arse numbing stuff. I was watching it on my comfy sofa and I still felt the onset of cinema seat dead legs. Finally, they dispensed with the Phillip Glass score. Why do this? fuck’s sake, the score was one of the most memorable and atmospheric scores of the 90’s.

The congregation: not scary, not clever, just shit

Having said that, it isn’t completely worthless. The Candyman kills lots of people in entertaining ways, and there is a simply staggering amount of boob on display. I think, and only a rewatch could confirm this, that D’Errico is the only woman in the film that actually keeps her top on. Random passers by show the goods, it’s that gratuitous. Alright, this is a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much. I do have to note, though, that they aren’t particularly good boobs, so even this crumb of comfort isn’t really worth anything.

Overall, I have to say that I don’t recommend this film. It’s shit, and to paraphrase a monkey it doesn’t just mug you with boredom, but steals your car and then goes off to ram-raid a shop that sells nothing but boredom. Basically, it’s another damp squib at the end of a series, and it’s a shame that after the stellar part 1 and the mediocre part 2 they couldn’t find a passable way to send the hook handed sociopath off. I actually hope someone returns to Candyman, ignores the idiotic time-traveling incest plot and returns it to its ghost story roots.

I give Candyman 3: Day of the Dead half a Chang, and that is only for its dedication to gratuitous nudity. If Donna had unleashed the fun bags I may have been persuaded to raise this to 1 Chang. Other than that, though, this is a worthless and terrible film, and really, if I want to see ludicrous amounts of breasts I can always watch Species again.

Any suggestions for horror movie series (that aren’t Halloween)would be welcome, as at the moment I’m considering doing the Poltergeist trilogy, but I do like a challenge, and I have quite enjoyed doing this.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

17 responses to “The Floater in the Bowl: Candyman 3”

  1. Jarv says :

    Not at all happy with this. Never mind

  2. Droid says :

    Stop fretting. The review is fine. And since I haven’t seen any of the Candyman films, I really have nothing more to say.

    Some horror series you could try… (bear in mind that I haven’t actually seen most of these)

    Children of the Corn

    Pumpkinhead

    I Know What You Did Last Summer (I’ve seen 2 of them, and I think theres a third, I would be highly amused by some good old fashioned ranting at the second one. Particularly at Jack Blacks Chris Klein-esque portrayal of a dreadlocked Jamaican pothead).

  3. Tom_Bando says :

    Naw, Jarv-try something even MORE horrific-the complete Gamera series. Esp. Gamera vs. Zigra. You will thank me.

  4. kloipy says :

    I don’t even know how you finished this one Jarv. I couldn’t make it past 15 minutes. Terrible shit. And it just looks bad.

  5. ThereWolf says :

    That sounds like a horrible bunch of festering ballsacks.

    Candyman begins and ends with the first one. I shan’t be having anything to do with these sequels.

  6. Bartleby says :

    Quite honestly, though, do Gamera, but skip the old stuff and do the Gamera trilogy from the late 90’s–Gamera: Guardian of the Universe, Gamers VS. Legion, Gamera: Revenge of Iris.

    Also, let me suggest the House series, comprised of House, House II: The Second Story, House III: The Horror Show, and House IV.

    House I features George Wendt, Richard Moll, and a shrieking stuffed swordfish, Vietnam zombies and creepy midget monsters.

    House II has Royal Dano, baby pterodactyls, aztecs, undead gunslingers, caterpillar puppies, and John Ratzenberger as a swashbucking electrician.

    What the hell the third film has to do with anything is anybody’s guess. It does have Lance Henrikson and Brion James.

    The fourth has Will Katt back, and a singing pizza, including the most ridiculous movie invention ever: the phlegmomatic.

    Other series: Silent Night, Deadly Night 1-V

    Puppet Masters 1-a-zillion

    Subspecies 1-3

    Prophecy 1-4

    Curse 1-4 (no movie is even related to the other in any way).

    Mimic 1-3.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Naw the truly horrific Gameras would be the old stuff. Zigra, Baragon, etc. Jarv will have a Thundercrack melt-down by about the time he gets to the Sea World one. ‘Here kids, lets watch Gamera play xylophone on the bones of Big Dead Rubber Monster—-‘

      • Bartleby says :

        No doubt Tom. I just confused, and forgot we were supposed to be making Jarv suffer.

        I recommended the new Gameras because, as giant monsters go, they are actually ‘good’.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        And right you are Bartleby, the newer Gameras WERE good. But I thought we were going for horror here–Zigra, Baragorn and the Sea World one will more than do the trick.

      • Jarv says :

        Top trying to torture me, the pair of you.

        Thanks for the useful suggestions though. Next up is Pumpkinhead, then House.

  7. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    Pfft. If you Brits weren’t so hung up about sex, you’d totally appreciate what a masterpiece Candyman 3 is.

    Nah, just joking. I haven’t seen this, it looks like crap. And it was a perfectly good review, particularly all the bits that mentioned me.

    That’s a strong statement from Tony Todd considering the incredible amount of rubbish he’s been involved with over the years. Good actor, but he’s basically the black Lance Henriksen with his tendency to appear in any old crap if there’s a pay-cheque and free sandwiches on offer.

    P.S. Yes, The Nightmare On Elm Street remake is indeed awful. One of the worst of the recent remakes, I think. Seems like I’m the only one here dumb enough to have seen that one.

    • Jarv says :

      I thought it was surprising considering he’s been in Minotaur, Beastmaster 3 and all sorts of garbage. I suspect he was a bit bitter at his iconic character getting so badly defaced as an immortal kiddie fiddler.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      No Franklin – I was also stupid enough to give Bayer my bucks for the new ELM STREET.

      Some of the kills were okay (except for the gratuitous use of shit-looking CG blood) and Jackie Earle Haley is okay, but it’s hamstrung by a clunker of a script. The scary bits are so signposted you may as well not label them scary at all – seriously, this remake has never even HEARD the word “suspense” – and the only good thing I can say about it are that Katie Cassidy is fucking gorgeous, and Rooney Mara can actually act a little. But basically, it’s shite.

      Jarv, avoid it like the plague. However, FREDDY VS JASON is a better movie – it does have that sexy minx Katharine Isabelle getting the puppies out, and there’s a great boyfriend/bed sandwich kill early on that is awesome – but then they crowbar a poor Jay-from-JAY-AND-SILENT-BOB rip-off character in there, the story loses the plot, and the movie is shit until the final face-off between our two undead anti-heroes, that is, frankly, well worth sitting through the shitty movie for. I did prefer JASON X, though, even if it should have been called JASON VS ANDROMEDA.

      Great review, by the way. I’ll be avoiding all CANDYMAN movies bar the first. And my suggestions for horror franchises? CRITTERS, the HELLRAISER movies, and if you’re feeling particularly masochistic, THE CROW, which after the fantastic first movie goes off the rails in every predictably shit way possible…

    • Spud McSpud says :

      Though the worst remake, for a long long time, has to be THE FOG. When you find out the godawful twist about one of the major characters at the end, you will literally want to twat your TV in disbelief. Or maybe that’s just me…

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