Just Balls: Phantasm OblIVion

 

There are several things that put me right off a film, and one of them is smug cunts that think that putting roman numerals in the title of a film to denote a sequel is a clever thing. It fucking isn’t. It’s annoying and cuntish. In fact, now I come to mention it, nearly everything about this piss poor concluding chapter of the Phantasm series is cuntish.

 For a start, the fact that there is only probably about 25 minutes of “new” material in it is cuntish. Not just cuntish, but lazy and cuntish. Don, man, this was a good series, why not just admit that you didn’t have a fucking scoob how to finish it, so instead stuffed 20 minutes worth of “new” footage into some half-baked origin plot and pad the whole fucking thing out with discarded scenes from the first film? That’s obviously what you did, so just own up to it.

 Nearly everything about Phantasm OblIVion is shit. It’s a jumbled mess of a film, that comes complete with a crushing sense of disappointment, and that’s directly because of the end of the third film and the first 5 minutes. The third film ends with Reggie in deep poo inside the Tall Man’s lair, and the kid escaping. The fourth film starts with the obligatory recap (except this time it’s awesome) done by Reggie in voiceover that contains the line “My name is Reggie, I was an Ice Cream Salesman, now I’m a soldier”. “Huzz-fucking-ah,” thinks I, “this should be great”. Unfortunately, it isn’t. It’s shit and cuntish.

 

I’m not going to even bother trying to explain the plot of Phantasm 4. It’s a pointless and frustrating exercise involving mass confusion, cuntishness, trans-dimensional shenanigans, cuntishness, bullshit psychic powers, cuntishness, fratricide, cuntishness, the Tall Man’s origin and cuntishness.

 Did I mention that it is extremely cunty?

 In case it isn’t obvious, I fucking detest this film. It’s diabolical shit, and annoying diabolical shit. Reggie is once again in fine form, but he’s completely squandered by what passes for a story, although his pathetic and futile attempts at getting laid do indeed raise the odd chuckle, and he has the sole moment of awesomeness (once the intro ends) by getting tooled up to take on the Tall Man- and putting on his fucking Ice Cream vendors uniform. That’s awesomely stupid, and did at least make me smile.

 

Phantasm 4 is just so fucking lazy. For example, the kid from the third film disappears with nary a word mentioned. Seriously, he just fucking disappears! The reason being, apparently, that Coscarelli originally had him being chomped by mutant jawa cannibals, but changed his mind because he had too much “respect” for the character. Bullshit, says I. I don’t believe that for a second. I think, instead, he was just a lazy cunt about it and then realised he had to explain his cuntishness at a later date and this is the best he could do.

 A.Michael Baldwin is comatose on screen this time. It doesn’t help that Mikey is a boring mopey cunt at the best of times. The fact that he’s exploring the alternate dimensions of space and time while being a mopey cunt really doesn’t help matters. The sole, pathetic, lonely chuckle to be had is when he uses the force to knock a giant boulder down and crush a midget. That’s it.

 Angus Scrimm gets to extend what passes for his acting chops as Jebediah Morningside. Morningside, apparently, was a mortician that became obsessed with the afterlife so built himself a steampunk dimensional gate. This is, actually, quite a good idea, but it’s completely wasted here. All that happens is that Jody (still a cunt) mentions something like “he stepped through the portal and Jebediah Morningside never returned”. This must be one of the cuntiest lines in a film full of cunty lines.

 However, what really, really pisses me off about it, is that it’s just a lame rehash of the first film- and I don’t mean plot or story or whatever. I mean that they used rolls and rolls of cutting room floor footage in it. Why would you fucking do this? It doesn’t help, it doesn’t make things clear, it’s just cuntish. The first film was fucking confusing enough, and the second and third films had done a fine job in straightening it out so why on Earth would you take us back to being completely bemused? And worse than that the film fucking ends (for no good reason that I can discern) with some stock footage from the first film with Mikey and Jody playing an extremely douchey guitar. What about Reggie? Fuck’s sake, what about The Tall Man? They were the fucking stars of the series, not the douchebag brothers. This is actually offensively bad, and even were the rest of the film mint, which it certainly isn’t, it would still be enough to garner Phantasm OblIVion the Orangutan of Doom. I find this actively insulting, because what Coscarelli has done here is basically write the second and third film off as all being a dream. This pissed me off in part one, but to just press some kind of ginormous reset button on the whole fucking series is bang out of order. What sort of cunt would do that?

 Overall, I do not recommend Phantasm 4. It’s complete and utter shit and insulting to the intelligence. I think the best thing to do with it is to pretend that it doesn’t exist and that Phantasm is actually a pretty decent trilogy (albeit one that I really don’t get the popularity of). There are rumours out there of Phantasm 5, a massive series ending apocalyptic motherfucker scripted by Roger Avary, and if they do go for this (and I hope they do), then with a bit of luck, they will simply pretend that Phantasm 4 doesn’t exist and carry straight on from Phantasm 3. I suspect, however, that this will never see the light of day. All in all, I give Oblivion the double eye-poke fuck you Orangutan of Doom.

0 Changs: The Orangutan of Doom

 However, as a series, I do have to say it’s been interesting and is certainly worth a look so I give it 2 Changs.

 

Next film up is the long awaited Mrs. Jarv review of Dead Ringers, and is published tomorrow.

Until then,

Jarv

The Phantasm Series

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

14 responses to “Just Balls: Phantasm OblIVion”

  1. Droid says :

    An Orangutan of Doom for the last installment means this series is unlikely to be viewed by moi.

    • Jarv says :

      I thought this was quite an angry review as when I first wrote it I was actively pissed off.

    • Jarv says :

      2 and 3 are definitely worth a look, but don’t really work without 1. 1 is such a strange fucking film though, that I can’t really recommend it. There are people out there that love it.

      The only really bad film in the series is this one, and it’s woefully bad.

  2. koutchboom says :

    Man I’d like to give her the orangutan of doom:

    http://www.chefchloe.com/

  3. spud mcspud says :

    And next review, Jarv, tell us what you REALLY think.

    I’d love a look at that script for P5. I’ve heard it’s all Apocalyptic as you’ve said, but more to the point, it’s actually COHERENT. I say get some insane billionaire to bankroll it and put the Chiodo brothers on to direct, if you want comedy before horror. For horror then comedy, Stuart Gordon. Screaming Mad George for the SFX.

    Hey, I can dream…

  4. Continentalop says :

    Are those death balls for her breast? Is that like a bad implant joke or something in this movie?

  5. lordbronco says :

    Ha ha-like jarv said-2 and 3 are quite entertaining.

    I’m not making excuses-the poor bastard probably ran out of money and had to salvage what he could with rehashing old footage and whatnot to pad the thing out to release *something* to break even before people lopped his thumbs off.

    That said-I’m quite sure that part 4 is twice as bad as Jarv has mentioned-but parts 2 and 3 are fun schlock.

    They aren’t even on netflix?

    Netflix has been getting pretty bad-even with thedirect play stuff…

  6. ThereWolf says :

    Oh dear. That sounds horrendous.

    The last picture – jug balls – I don’t even want to know…

  7. Jarv says :

    They aren’t a joke sadly. It’s another failure to get laid by Reggie

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