Kloipy will not bow to the “AntiChrist”

Finally, a horror movie for the pretentious art-house crowd. I mean normal horror is distasteful and juvenile and it can’t appeal to the high society because it isn’t true art. Well guess what you Andy Warhol loving assholes, now you too can say you enjoy horror because your favorite director of  metaphysical bullshit is back to give you the true horror cinema that you would be too embarassed to share with your ‘Piss Christ’ loving friends before. You say normal horror is for the un-intelligent, well look no further because now you can see a woman cut off her own clit, and you can pretend with your friends that it’s purely symbolic for her cutting pleasure from her life due to grief! Wow isn’t this so DEEP and insightful? How ’bout a girl jacking off a guy until he cums blood? This film really ‘gets’ it right? I mean the slasher in the woods, preying on innocent virgins is vile, but the dear with the dead fawn fetus hanging out of it trancends normal conventions and becomes high-art, correct?

Well fuck that and fuck this movie. Antichrist is another cheery Lars Von Trier film. Apparently, Lars was almost too depressed to make this film, sending away auditioners because he was ‘crying’. Oh poor poor Lars the film director. Too sad to make a movie where a lady drills a hole into a man’s leg to attach a millstone to, after she rams him in the dick with a block of wood. Boo hoo, life is hard. I mean normal people can’t understand the depths of sadness that Lars must have gone through to almost prevent him from making  a movie about nothing and trying to make controversy stand in as art.If only the rest of us could take a lesson from Cashier du Trier we might truly understand what the fuck he’s trying to accomplish with this piece of shit.

Oh Aunt May, Peter must never know my love for you.

I’ll admit that I was quite intrigued when I saw the trailer for this movie. Even the opening of this film is beautiful in it’s stunning black and white. If this film has anything going for it it is the cinematography, which is actually quite stunning. However, the story and the bullshit get in the way. The story is about a man and woman, who, during sex, neglect to see that their child has climbed the windowsill and then falls out. Then Willem Dafoe as ‘He’ (just brilliant Lars) tries to cure She(Charlotte Gainsburg) of her depression by making her go to ‘Eden’ a camp in the woods they used to visit. When they get there, She starts to freak out and say how the ground is burning and blah fucking blah, psychobabble, talking foxes, and ticks.

Word was that Lars was going for an idea that ‘what if God didn’t exist, and the devil rained over everything’. Well this hypothesis is total fucking bullshit. What this movie is about and only about is how grief can control your life if you let it. Possibly this stems from Trier’s grief at making really stupid movies. I’m not about to claim that I can’t appreciate shocking scenes or controversy. I’m opposed to censorship in art. However when you use these tactics only in the way to get people to look at your work than it is cheap and shallow. Ask yourself if you really need to put female castration as a metaphore for guilt. Do we need to see it in close-up and with blood spurting out? I don’t think it’s reasonable, when all it stands to accomplish is have idiots argue over ‘What did the clit mean? Is Lars trying to tell us that we are the clit and have to cut ourselves from the shackles of modern society? Does cumming blood mean that the corporations take pleasure from our pain at the risk of eating cheap tainted meat?” and so forth. It’s not like Lars did this for the sake of art. He knew full well by putting this into his movie that people would talk about it and try to read into what isn’t there. Where the Wild Things Are didn’t need bloody semen to teach us a lesson and neither does this movie.

Oh god, Lars is crying again!

What really cuts my dick off is the fact that the so called ‘art snubs’ give repugnant shit like this the time of day and yet scoff at normal horror. Even though I hate the Saw and Hostel movies, I’m sure these people would rail against them in an attempt to sound culutured whereas they praise a movie like Antichrist for being brave. If any movie i have seen has been torture porn, it is this movie. The characters are constantly fucking each other during the most inappropriate time. She cuts herself right after she masturbates so I can’t think of something that describes that label better than this movie.

If anything good comes from this movie, is that it will be forgotten about quickly and people will stop giving von Trier a pass for this kind of thing. There was no reason for this movie to be made and we don’t like anything about these characters so it’s nothing more than boredom punctuated by genital violence. I’m finished with this review as to talk about it more just pisses me off that I wasted 2 hours more of my life on something as worthless as this. It’s not film, it’s not art, it’s a little crying boy trying to make people cover their eyes in the dark because he thinks he has some kind of finger on the pulse of depression and ‘true horror’. von Trier is the Demon Dave Defalco of pretentious bullshit.

One thing I will leave you with, this movie has dead animals that come to life and do dumb shit like say ‘chaos reigns’. But at the end of the movie it shows He on a hill where people are climbing up and down it. Then for no reason at all we see the deer, fox, and crow with the exact same look as the dead people from Star Wars during the Ewok orgy in the jungle. This was probably the best part of the movie because it made me laugh for a minute, although unintentionaly. Ugh fuck.

WAAAA I make bad movies that you shouldn't waste your time on. My beard symbolizes sadness. Oh I just pooped in my pants.

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About kloipy

a poor deluded sap hoping to find his place in this mixed up crazy world

39 responses to “Kloipy will not bow to the “AntiChrist””

  1. lordbronco says :

    Hoo-whee-nice review. Mikey was nice enough to warn us all off over at AIBN-his most memorable review. I’ll be skipping this flick-thanks for the warning.

  2. Jarv says :

    Sounds terrible. No intererst in that at all.

    Funny review though

    • kloipy says :

      thanks Jarv, you would HATE this movie. Just pray the missus doesn’t add it to Lovefilm

      • koutchboom says :

        Yes this isn’t even a SO BAD film you gotta see it. Just read about it and the fucked up things that happen you’ve imagined them better in your head.

        I will say though that the opening black and white scene was good, if you have to watch that then just turn it off. Even the speaking fox is just fucking stupid, I thought it would be really fun, but its just fucking stupid.

  3. kloipy says :

    Just read Mike’s review and he nails it in a lot less words than I did.
    a better title for this movie would have been
    “Willem’s Dick and Charlottes Bush”

  4. Continentalop says :

    Great review. Sounds like the TP version of Babel, completely overblown, overrated, pretentious drivel.

    Actually it sounds a lot worse than Babel. At least Babel didn’t have a bleeding clit.

    • kloipy says :

      thanks Conti. It is much worse than Babel. about as pretentious though

    • koutchboom says :

      No its a lot worse then Babel. Shit actually happens in Babel, nothing happens in this. Like ALL the bad shit you read about it are no where near as gross/bad as you think they are. It really is JUST FUCKING stupid. I know TP isn’t liked around here, but it’s like if you are gonna do it fucking do it.

  5. Continentalop says :

    And animals having an orgy on a hill? Wasn’t that in the Christmas Manger episode from South Park?

    • kloipy says :

      Yes, the Christmas Critters episode. And I believe they were having the antichrist in that episode. So apparently Lars stole this from South Park

      • Continentalop says :

        He stole from South Park and yet he doesn’t make this a comedy? The man is insane.

      • koutchboom says :

        Eh there is no animal orgy or anything. Daybreakers stole the Blood Orgy from South Park and did a good job of it, and it was humerous at times.

  6. kloipy says :

    Well the Kloipette is waking, I must be off. I’ll check in later

  7. koutchboom says :

    the cinematography, which is actually quite stunning???

    Outside of the opening scene it’s fucking garbage. A lot of odd close ups. Characters always on the fucking sides of the sceen.

    • kloipy says :

      koutch, the opening, some of the shots of the forest, the therapy session with her in the woods in her mind I found quite nice to look at. Doesn’t excuse this movie from what follows, but if it had one positive I thought it was that

  8. koutchboom says :

    I think you’ve over sold it a little kloipy.

    Like the gross shit you hear about this film, sure it’s a little unsettling, but it’s done very cheesy.

    Like the blood seaman scene you think is going to be something gross. But all it is is that chick (who was fucking annoying the whole time with her bad english and annoying accent) is obviously jerking Willem off and then some blood spurts on her or him.

    So even from just a voyeristic gore hound point of view its dumb.

    The talking fox is just a slow mo shot of the fox turning it’s head and someone saying chaos reigns in voice over.

    The only truly fucked up scene is when she attaches the millstone to his leg and he has to drag it around every where. I mean the movie is so useless looking I could’ve made it. The entire cost of the thing would’ve just been the rental prices of the camera and possible some sets. I bet that the two actors did it for cheap just so they got the chance to work with LVT.

    • koutchboom says :

      And actually Willem still manages to do a good job in this role. Sure he doesn’t make the movie any better, but I didn’t hate him after it was over. Like I doubt this movie will have any impact on his career, but it may just kill that chicks career. At the same time, Chloë Sevigny still manages to get constant work somehow?

    • kloipy says :

      Koutch, it’s the fact that it didn’t gross me out was the point. It’s not as if we were affected by the characters. We couldn’ give two shits about them so when it happens it’s just like what the fuck is the point of this other than trying to be shocking

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I get what you were saying. It’s just that, throwing out there about the blood seman and what not is PART of the whole sensationalism of the whole thing. It sounds all worse then it really is.

  9. Stuntcock Mike says :

    This movie is pure dogshit.

    Don Simpson is spinning in his grave right now.

    At least if he’d produced it, there would’ve been an F-14 Tomcat in it somewhere.

  10. Droid says :

    If I want to see a fox fucking talk, I’ll watch the utterly ‘delightful’ Fantastic Mr Fox again.

    My remote interest in this film plummeted into negatory with this amusingly rantish review. Well done, kloipy. You may well gain notoriety yet.

  11. kloipy says :

    “You may well gain notoriety yet.”
    If that happens Droid I’m taking you all with me

  12. ThereWolf says :

    The trailer was intriguing. Then I began to read about some of the details. It was on at the local foreign/ cult cinema – couldn’t make me mind up whether or not to go. In the end I didn’t. Glad I didn’t.

    Had a good laugh at that review, Kloipy. Cheers.

  13. xiphos0311 says :

    Lars Van Trier is a talentless cheese dick and if you are that unhappy just fucking end it already and stop trying to make the rest of world as unhappy as you are with the shit filled movies you make.

  14. M. Blitz says :

    Damn Kloipy, did the pretento-art kids used to beat you up after school or something?? 🙂

    I love Lars. But I haven’t seen this movie. It’s been sitting on my computer since Oct ’09. Me and the boyfriend would discuss watching it almost every night, decide against, and then we broke up so….maybe someday.

    Let’s not be so hasty about Lars though. Ha ha, that’s my future ex-husband we’re talking about…..

    • koutchboom says :

      M. Blitz, the marriage is never going to happen if you watch Antichrist.

    • kloipy says :

      LOL BLitz, that would be a sad strange fight to witness.
      I liked Lar’s Dancer in the Dark but this one is just bad. Give it a watch and let me know what you think. I do like how you know he would be your future ex though. A girl can take only so much of a whiny man

  15. Fata says :

    I absolutely loved Von Triers ‘Riget’ (‘The Realm’ or something). Great comedy. But it been going downhill ever since. ‘The Idiots’ had one moment of fun, although the rest was feeble and provocative. I hated Dogville, etc.

    I was curious about ‘Antichrist’, considering the reviews. Was it really that gruesome?

    Not at all. I’ve seen worse – several times. And all this fuzz, only trying to prove that nature is chaos (represented by the woman), triumphing over cosmos (the man).

    Pretentious crap.

    • kloipy says :

      Fata- yeah I’ve seen SO much worse gore in other films. It’s just the fact that Trier obviously put it in the film to create controversy among the Cannes crowd. it serves no real consequence to the film.

  16. Jonathan Sullivan says :

    This may possibly be one of the funniest and best-written reviews I have ever read. Congratulations Kloipy, you’ve made my dick shrivel in fear of having to somehow keep writing my reviews in the face of talent like this.

    I also agree with you with Antichrist. This movie sucked more than anything I have seen in a long time, and I obsessively watch every WWE Studios film that gets released. The cinematography is beautiful, but there’s just nothing here other than some violence and some attempts at being deep, which just come off hokey (the talking fox almost made me shut the thing off, even if it just spoke one line).

    The thing is, I’ve seen people online try to defend this by using ten gallon words and the classic “you don’t get it” defense. I wish I had the gumption to fabricate deep thoughts about a movie that clearly has little going for it. Ugh.

    • kloipy says :

      Jonathan- I can only say thank you for the high praise. I appreciate it, I’m just glad you enjoyed the review (mindset i use when writing anything I do).
      I’m sure there is someone out there who geniunly likes this movie (not sure I want to meet them) but at the same token I think most of those using the ‘you don’t get it’ defense, actually don’t understand this movie at all and just feel the obligation to defend an art house darling that is so, in their minds, daring. A lot of people have said how brave the actors were in this, and while I agree they were open to something most would shy from, it still doesn’t make this a good movie and it’s actually just a pointless display. I just feel sad that this was nothing close to the movie I wanted it to be. Oh well.
      Thanks again for your kind words

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