Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Demon Cop

What I’ve got in my blood is worse than AIDS

Jarv’s Rating: 4 Murphs. What he may have is not worse than AIDS, however I could make a case for this film being worse than toothache.

Demon Cop is a bit unfortunate, really, in that I’m writing this review in a thoroughly filthy mood. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a 4 Murph film alright, and doesn’t even manage to scale the giddy heights of crappily entertaining, but it’s going to get a far more abusive review than it would have otherwise. Actually, I was going to retire the Murph rating (it’s served it’s purpose) for the Orangutan of Doom, but this turd of a film is so bad that the only way it could possibly be any worse is if the fat man had written, directed and produced it himself.

This fucking gargantuan turd of a film, which by the way is not about a Demon Cop, was made by talentless cunts that I’m convinced deliberately set out to make as bad a film as possible- one that, Troma style, is hugely entertaining because of its rubbishness. That they failed is indicative of the complete lack of gumption that the fuckers had. This film is awful: produced by cunts, directed by a huge cunt, shot by a blind cunt, scored by a deaf cunt, acted by cunts, and written by a cretinous cunt without any sense of decency or any actual ability to assemble English words into a sentence.

 Demon Cop does feature policemen. However, the Demon isn’t one of them. He’s a probationary officer wounded in a drive by shooting (pity he wasn’t killed as this takes place before the film starts) and possessed in a shoddy blood transfusion by the demon of rage. The film charts his less than interesting antics, as he fights (poorly) gang members (I’m not joking about this, at one point he uses his mighty strength to throw one at a wall- except the guy waddles towards the wall, stops a centimetre short and drops to his knees leaving an unconvincing red paint mark on the brickwork) and whinges a lot. Eventually, he’s put out of my misery by a guy with a tranq gun. Film ends.

"Is that a cunt I see before me? Wait, fuck, it's a mirror"

This turd, this King-Kong’s finger of a loaf, is an epic fail and I struggle to put my finger on what I hate most about it. The script defies description it is so bad. The “Aids” line I used above (that’s in terrible taste and not bad enough taste to actually be funny) is actually one of the better lines in a film that flits between incomprehensibility and irritation. Just complete garbage.

The acting, for want of a better word for it, is utter dogshit. The lead guy’s demon voice is a wheezy… pause… for…. a… bit… between… words… because… that… makes… you… sound… supernatural… and… not… at… all… like… you… are… desperately… fighting… not… to… take… a… shit… in… your… pants. His support, the least convincing ex-gang members outside of a Westlife video, are all beyond irritating, and their faux-pompous liberalism really grates. It’s all so sincere, but not in a good way.

Then, and I think this is my real beef with the film, there’s the cinematography. This Elvis-killer of a film, was produced by one Hal Miles. I can only assume that he is a complete cunt because he did the cinematography as well. Demon Cop has the most grainy and irritating footage that I’ve ever seen, and as it is on DVD, I must only assume that this is deliberate. I’ve seen VHS rips with better quality. You can’t make out a damned thing that’s going on for the first half of it, which is a bit of a relief as when you can see it (if you haven’t got a migraine) then it’s apparent what a bucket of poo you are watching.

Then, as if that’s not enough to add insult to injury- look at the fucking cover. Look at it! The cunts actually had the balls to put “Probably the Worst film you’ll ever see” on it. Well, cunts, congratulations. Like everything else you attempted in this exercise in boredom and irritation, you’ve failed. It isn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen. That honour still goes to Oasis of Fear, but you did nearly manage to edge it out as it at least features Ornella Muti’s norks.

What the fuck are you screaming at?

Overall, would I recommend this film? As a substitute for a clay pigeon, sure. To watch? Absolutely not. This film is so bad that it falls in the Ankle Biters league of incompetence where I actually want to find the people who encouraged the director, a talentless cunt by the name of Rocco Karega, to make it. Whoever told him he could needs a thorough stomp on the bollocks.

I blame them for it- he’s clearly retarded and does not know better.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

29 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Demon Cop”

  1. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    blammo!

    you have to stop inflicting this stuff on yourself. I give you a good list of quality shock. Why don’t you heed it?

    Jarv, watch House of the Devil. I want to hear your take on it.

    • Jarv says :

      I do, this and Cyborg Cop just happened to arrive on the weekend. And like a mug I watch them.

      House of the Devil is coming soon- as soon as whatshername gives me the review copy.

      Have you seen Wrong Turn 2? That’s sitting on the rack glaring at me.

      • koutchboom says :

        Wrong Turn 2 is a lot of fun as well. Better then the first one.

        Also you should rent The Rocket to get a good non horror movie into your system.

      • Jarv says :

        If got Knowing and The Dead Zone coming.

      • Jarv says :

        Also Wrong Turn 2 looked like TP from the trailer, and that’s putting me off.

      • koutchboom says :

        Naw its not really TP. Its just a silly, gross slasher flick. There may be a little torture, but its mainly just deformed mountain people killing people. Its a lot of fun, doesn’t take its self to seriously and mainly uses practical effects rather then CGI which is a huge plus.

      • Jarv says :

        Convinced me.

        I’m in exactly the mood to watch some morons die today.

      • koutchboom says :

        Plus its got gratuitous boob.

      • Jarv says :

        Well, that helps nearly everything that isn’t Oasis of Fear.

    • Jarv says :

      Although this is easily the most abusive review I’ve written in a long time.

  2. Jarv says :

    I now feel bad about being rude about Hal Miles as he’s worked on the effects of a lot of films I really like.

    However, this is not his best work.

  3. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    Jarv, is it just me, or does that cover art actually make this look like it’s a movie about a ‘TINY’ demon cop. As in some sort of puppet demon cop. I honestly looked at this, and thought, wait it’s a little monster movie? Why is he a cop then?

    Half expecting something like that Angel episode Smile Time, I read on to realizr that pparently the demon cop isn’t little at all. Why such a disasterous cover then? It’s not just me right?

  4. Continentalop says :

    Four Murphs…staring back at you…like a basilisk of crappy cinema…

  5. Droid says :

    This review is genius. I’m still chuckling as I write this. Pretty much the quintessential showcase of controlled rage. Well done.

  6. xiphos0311 says :

    I’ve actually used DVD/CD as a substitute for clay pigeons.

    I’ve seen this this movie or more accurately about 10 minutes of it and it is every bit as bad and even worse then Jarv describes it. There isn’t a hard enough word for shit and incompetency in any language to cover this movie.

    • Jarv says :

      So have I. Well, not shot them, more thrown them at the wall to see how they shatter.

      I would consign this one to that fate too.

  7. ThereWolf says :

    Jesus, Jarv, there’re a lot of cunts in this movie. Extremely funny review. Needless to say I’ll ignore this one. I’m still furious at having to sit through Xtro 3 – and I’ve thrown a few ‘cunts’ around the review for that. Probably should take them out now…

    Sorry to hear about the job shenanigans. Really shit news, mate.

  8. tombando says :

    Jarv-there is one thing-and one thing only, that can cure this:

    In Bruges. Marathon of same. Yes you must. It is your destiny.

  9. DocPazuzu says :

    “produced by cunts, directed by a huge cunt, shot by a blind cunt, scored by a deaf cunt, acted by cunts, and written by a cretinous cunt ”

    Can’t…. resist… shit… movie… Must…. watch…. Demon… Cop… Aaaarrgghh….

    • Jarv says :

      It’s truly diabolically bad. And not entertaining, just boring and annoying.

      Are you doing his demon voice there?

      • DocPazuzu says :

        It is a type of demon, I suppose, this unholy urge.

      • Jarv says :

        Mrs. Jarv has been looking into this film (she hated it more than me) and tells me that it was actually an incomplete film that some hack picked up and shot a few scenes to salvage. All the German dude’s exposition I think. It was meant to be about a werewolf.

  10. koutchboom says :

    CUNT FTW!!!

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