Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Demon Cop
What I’ve got in my blood is worse than AIDS
Demon Cop is a bit unfortunate, really, in that I’m writing this review in a thoroughly filthy mood. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a 4 Murph film alright, and doesn’t even manage to scale the giddy heights of crappily entertaining, but it’s going to get a far more abusive review than it would have otherwise. Actually, I was going to retire the Murph rating (it’s served it’s purpose) for the Orangutan of Doom, but this turd of a film is so bad that the only way it could possibly be any worse is if the fat man had written, directed and produced it himself.
This fucking gargantuan turd of a film, which by the way is not about a Demon Cop, was made by talentless cunts that I’m convinced deliberately set out to make as bad a film as possible- one that, Troma style, is hugely entertaining because of its rubbishness. That they failed is indicative of the complete lack of gumption that the fuckers had. This film is awful: produced by cunts, directed by a huge cunt, shot by a blind cunt, scored by a deaf cunt, acted by cunts, and written by a cretinous cunt without any sense of decency or any actual ability to assemble English words into a sentence.
Demon Cop does feature policemen. However, the Demon isn’t one of them. He’s a probationary officer wounded in a drive by shooting (pity he wasn’t killed as this takes place before the film starts) and possessed in a shoddy blood transfusion by the demon of rage. The film charts his less than interesting antics, as he fights (poorly) gang members (I’m not joking about this, at one point he uses his mighty strength to throw one at a wall- except the guy waddles towards the wall, stops a centimetre short and drops to his knees leaving an unconvincing red paint mark on the brickwork) and whinges a lot. Eventually, he’s put out of my misery by a guy with a tranq gun. Film ends.
This turd, this King-Kong’s finger of a loaf, is an epic fail and I struggle to put my finger on what I hate most about it. The script defies description it is so bad. The “Aids” line I used above (that’s in terrible taste and not bad enough taste to actually be funny) is actually one of the better lines in a film that flits between incomprehensibility and irritation. Just complete garbage.
The acting, for want of a better word for it, is utter dogshit. The lead guy’s demon voice is a wheezy… pause… for…. a… bit… between… words… because… that… makes… you… sound… supernatural… and… not… at… all… like… you… are… desperately… fighting… not… to… take… a… shit… in… your… pants. His support, the least convincing ex-gang members outside of a Westlife video, are all beyond irritating, and their faux-pompous liberalism really grates. It’s all so sincere, but not in a good way.
Then, and I think this is my real beef with the film, there’s the cinematography. This Elvis-killer of a film, was produced by one Hal Miles. I can only assume that he is a complete cunt because he did the cinematography as well. Demon Cop has the most grainy and irritating footage that I’ve ever seen, and as it is on DVD, I must only assume that this is deliberate. I’ve seen VHS rips with better quality. You can’t make out a damned thing that’s going on for the first half of it, which is a bit of a relief as when you can see it (if you haven’t got a migraine) then it’s apparent what a bucket of poo you are watching.
Then, as if that’s not enough to add insult to injury- look at the fucking cover. Look at it! The cunts actually had the balls to put “Probably the Worst film you’ll ever see” on it. Well, cunts, congratulations. Like everything else you attempted in this exercise in boredom and irritation, you’ve failed. It isn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen. That honour still goes to Oasis of Fear, but you did nearly manage to edge it out as it at least features Ornella Muti’s norks.
Overall, would I recommend this film? As a substitute for a clay pigeon, sure. To watch? Absolutely not. This film is so bad that it falls in the Ankle Biters league of incompetence where I actually want to find the people who encouraged the director, a talentless cunt by the name of Rocco Karega, to make it. Whoever told him he could needs a thorough stomp on the bollocks.
I blame them for it- he’s clearly retarded and does not know better.
Until next time,