Murphed- Jarv’s Full Review of Splice

We’ve given this shit far too much coverage- and it really isn’t worth it. However, and this is the last thing I’ll say on the subject, with it opening in the US today, my full length review has been published by those good people at PCN. If you’re interested, it’s here. If not, well , fuck it, and I can’t say I blame you.

So, I’m done with that shit professionally- fuck you, Murphy, fuck you very much.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

58 responses to “Murphed- Jarv’s Full Review of Splice”

  1. xiphos0311 says :

    like a beacon this post will attract infantile cowardly fatties that produce bad movies.

  2. ThereWolf says :

    Looking forward to seeing this film.

    It’s an intriguing premise…

  3. Continentalop says :

    I’m sorry to say I didn’t go to Splice. It was a friend’s birthday. Totally forgot about that.

    To bad because I was going to compliment Don Murphy on his performance as Jabba the Hut in ROTJ.

  4. Jarv says :

    Also, I wrote this before Smurph’s shenanigans. If I were to rewrite it now, then I’d be a lot fucking ruder.

  5. Continentalop says :

    Question for Jarv or Droid – I’m not going to go see this (unless there is another Don Murphy appearance) so what is the deal with this gender bending thing you brought up?

    • Jarv says :

      OK- this is an enormous spoiler so I’m invisitxting it:

      Ginger spontaneously changes gender from female to male half way through and savages Fred. Clive and Elsa finally make the call to kill Dren (too late), but arrive at the farmhouse to see that she’s already dead so they bury her. Unfortunately, she isn’t dead, rather she’s comatose because she’s changing gender. Male Dren is far more assholish and aggressive and rapes Elsa

      Complete shit.

      • Continentalop says :

        That just sounds retarded.

        And Brody and Polly seem like the two least responsible scientist ever. Hell, the guy from Human Centipede seems more rational than these two.

    • Droid says :

      Thats an easy one. Murphys hideosly bloated girth has resulted in unmanageable stomach flab that hangs so low that it covers the lifeless blob of skin most commonly referred to as a ‘penis’. This, combined with the ‘cue ball in a footy sock’ breasts, results in an inability to determine said gelatinous creatures gender.

      • Jarv says :



        Fucking thing is standing at 2/3 Fresh on RT- but I’m still sure that a lot of the Fresh ones are 3 star “We don’t know what to grade this” reviews.

      • Droid says :

        To put that in perspective, Iron Man 2 has a 74% “fresh” rating. Kick Ass has 76%. Both are shit.

        Also, Cypher only got 56% and Cube got 63%.

  6. Jarv says :

    Throw the fat cunt a donut. He’ll turn up at the opening of an envelope for pastry.

    Best go to work. See you in a bit.

  7. Droid says :

    The NY Times gave it a glowing review. Seriously, I don’t think they saw the same film. They singled out the “true relationship talk” as a special mention.

    What absolute horseshit.

  8. xiphos0311 says :

    absolute horseshit

    That’s what The NYT specializes in.

  9. Tom_Bando says :

    But wait, Murphy has more in store:

    I’m waiting the inevitable sequel set in Portugal, involving a local Trekkie who’s been taking the ‘do it yourself’ approach to cross-breeding, this involves the local Ovine population (of course), lepers and the wearing of red shirts(If you Really perform, you get the Spock ears) on a nightly basis.

    Hey it’s the closest to a Centaur they’re gonna get-

  10. just pillow talk says :

    Fuck you Murph, you fat drippy whore.

  11. Bartleby says :

    Here’s one more to add to the pile:

    • Jarv says :

      Fred and Ginger are phallic jonah!

      • Jarv says :

        Other than that, nice review- did you honestly think Polley was good in it?

      • Bartleby says :

        no that baby still has a penis head in the beginning.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a really sad and pathetic attempt to be cronenberg-esque actually. Don’t just put sexual imagery in it if you haven’t a fucking clue what to do with it.

      • koutchboom says :

        Hahahah Polley was in eXistenZ. I wonder how big a part she had.

      • Bartleby says :

        I do disagree with you. I don’t think Polley’s performance was good, but its the same way a peanut butter and jelly sandwich can’t be good if you substitute jelly for , oh say, spam.
        Writing and directing are a part of a final ‘performance’ and I disagree that the part was down to Polley’s actiung. Frankly, she had an implauisible character to deal with, and even someone I can see doing the role (think a younger Sigourney Weaver) wouldn’t have been able to make it work.

        I’ve liked Polley ever since I saw her in that movie that Danny cant possibly fathom me enjoying but I cede that she’s got limited range. I still think she waas giving it her all, but the script asked her to go to some weird places and it didnt help her pack for the trip.

      • koutchboom says :

        What Polley movie? No Such Thing? Go?

      • Jarv says :

        I thought the character was shrill and unlikable, and she played it badly. I struggle to think of an actress that would have played it well.

        For example, the bit when they’re giving the presentation and she pushes Brodey out of the way- I just thought “You fucking twat”. I know it was down to the writing, but she didn’t show chutzpah, she was just a shrew.

        There were other moments (the notorious “Don’t even try to justify this” scene, for example) where I thought that she wasn’t up to scratch at all.

        I give her performance a murph.

      • Bartleby says :

        Koutch, Polley was the young girl in Adventures of Baron Muchausen, which Danny expressed disbelief over anyone liking it.

      • koutchboom says :

        Ahhh very well. I need to watch that again, along with Time Bandits because I felt that visually it holds up better then Time Bandits.

      • Bartleby says :

        Jarv, I didnt say Polley was good, or right for the role, I just mentioned in passing that ‘Brody and Polley give fine performances’ which is to say they do the best with the perormaces they can.

        You mention her being shrill and a shrew and lacking chutzpah, but I honestly think that’s what they were going for with thechaaracter. We weren;t watching Polley struggle with a tough girl role or a brilliant scientist, we were watching her give what I thought was a convincing portrayal ( up until the later sections) of a foolish, frigid and largely insane woman, who was kind of the ultimate control freak. She’s ‘having a child on her own terms, not natures, and i think in some ways, that explains the ending.

        My argument is that these choices are just unsatisfying and kind of stupid.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m not arguing that the character was poorly conceived and worse written at all, I totally get that.

        I just thought she was bad on top of it.

        Anyhoo, bad character in a bad film.

        What a let down.

      • Bartleby says :

        to put the final cap on it from my perspective, this was a waste of Sarah Polley Brody Natali and the creature. ASll of which could have and should have had a better movie for their vehicle.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup, I go with that.

        A waste for all concerned.

  12. koutchboom says :

    Its kind of funny because you are going to have to hope that Americans REALLY like Russell Brand this weekend. Since Greek and Splice are sort of aimed at the same audience.

    • Jarv says :

      I’ve been hoping that anyway. Hopefully you can keep the annoying unfunny dickhead.

      • koutchboom says :

        Man I don’t know what it is about Jonah Hill, it’s like that pretty much could be ANYONE. Its just that he looks like a fucking joke to begin with, its the only reason he is around. I mean I could easily do Jonah Hill’s career just at 150 pounds lighter, but then it probably wouldn’t be funny. I like the guy, he is a genuinely likeable little fat fuck when he is on talk shows. And he usually has the funniest stories because it usually involves him making an ass of himself in front of someone really famous. Its just odd. Because back when Rogen was fat he was just like Mini fatter Rogen, and now hate Rogen all you want but at least he has a unique voice and style. Hill is just a giant fan boy who got lucky. I wouldn’t be surprised if he used to post at AICN or anything.

      • Stuntcock Mike says :

        I’m hoping for Jonah Hill for my Fatty Arbuckle biopic.

        I’ll bury that cunt’s career once and for all.

      • koutchboom says :

        Man I WANT TO HATE THAT GUY! I really do, its like I just can’t every time I feel that hate child coming on, he goes and brings me a box of chocolates (half eaten of course), but still its the thought that counts. He’s like a real life Ralph Wigum.

  13. DocPazuzu says :

    Nice little bit of Smurf bait there, Jarv. Well played.

    • Jarv says :


      I actually regret writing the article when I did. I’d have been much ruder once he started his nonsense.

      • Bartleby says :

        No this is mcuh better.

        It shows objectivity that AICN and Murph himself don’t have. You reviewed th emovie as it was, not the one you hoped to see, or as some others do, review it based on the people involved or your perceptions/feelings about them.

        There’s a lack of baggage to that eview that makes it more authetnic than any of the ones posted at AICN and certainly it has more drecible than anything fake or real Murphy have ever said.

      • koutchboom says :

        Or reviewed the movie based on the ideas that popped into your head as you sat there and eat your lunch through a tube.

      • Jarv says :

        Or reviewed the movie based on the ideas that popped into your head as you sat there and eat your lunch through a tube.


      • koutchboom says :

        Yummy down on this!

      • Jarv says :

        Who the fuck is that? Anyway, chewing is overrated.

      • Bartleby says :

        Jarv, that’s Ebert. Youre’ kidding right?

  14. Bartleby says :

    koutch, you wacky bastard. I dont always get oyu, but sometimes you make me laugh. well played.

  15. Tom_Bando says :

    I like Ebert. He’s had a rough go of it.

    Now for Murphy-well he’s just a rotund talking pile of cat poo, filled to the brim w/ vile bile and crabgrass. He makes garbage movies and responds to the Jarvs of the world like a 14 year old bottle-fed Trekkie throwing a tantrum due to his spock ears breaking.

    Plus he’s just a bad joke.

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