Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Megalodon
We upset the balance of nature
Jarv’s Rating: 0 Changs. I have now come to the conclusion that we need some sort of symbol such as a giant pile of graboid shit to sum up films like this. I seem to watch a lot of them, and it is somewhat irritating that I haven’t got a picture that expresses my feelings for this absolute dog of a film.
You know what? I’m now coming to the conclusion that it must actually be quite hard to make a big fish eats people film. I mean, the amount of abject failures out there, suggests to me that it must not be as easy as “place boneheads in water, have big angry fish chomp them, preferably in amusing ways”. I know this sounds daft, because the formula seems so fucking easy, but so many film makers miss the proverbial open goal. This rotten load of garbage is a case in point.
Megalodon is shit. There’s no beating around the bush here: it’s shit. It’s so shit that I suspect that it’s used in China to fertilise rice paddies. It’s so shit that I’m nearly certain it’s standing for election in the UK in a few weeks. It is unquestionably crap. I mean, really, how the fuck do you cock this up: it’s about a giant fucking shark for fuck’s sake. Basically, this is the plot: An oil baron has built a 2 billion dollar giant oil rig (imaginatively called “Colossus”) for deep-sea drilling in the Arctic circle. The oil baron has decided to invite a journalist on board as a PR stunt, and his douchey, uninteresting crew accidentally crack the bottom of the ocean to reveal another fucking ocean, but this one with prehistoric life in it. Giant fucking shark breaks free, carnage and hilarity singularly fail to ensue. Shark gets killed, Jarv throws DVD out of the window to watch it pleasingly shatter against the local government building office. Jarv then remembers that it’s a Lovefilm DVD, but a moment’s consideration leads him to the conclusion that it was fucking worth it.
There are several serious problems with this film. The first, and by far the most important is that they fucked the premise up. By basing the film in the Arctic circle, you basically guarantee that nobody is going to be in the water in any danger of being Shark Bait. Cretins.
Secondly, this is a film about a giant angry prehistoric shark. Therefore at some point in the first hour, I’d like to see said giant angry prehistoric shark. The nearest thing to action is when one of the minor characters is bitten on the arm by a fish hiding in a pipe. This is not interesting, Aside from the fish thing, there are endless shots of the underwater elevator going up and down to the bottom really fucking slowly, and an utterly interminable section in the revealed ocean with pretty illuminated jellyfish. Fuck flourescent sea creatures, who gives a toss about them? The film is called Megalodon for fuck’s sake. Where is the fucking shark?
Thirdly, the action in this is utterly boring. When the shark does finally make an appearance, we get lots of shots of people piloting submarines around to avoid the shark. Except it actually looks like they’re sitting on the shitter in a port-a-cabin trying to park a coil. We also get shots of the shark swimming in circles banging into the struts of Colossus, and shots of the people in the fucking glass elevator. This is so completely and utterly boring that I can barely summon up the energy to describe it. When they do find a means to have the shark eat people (smashing up through underneath an iceberg), they’re so fucking pleased with themselves that they repeat it 3 times.
The characters are bland and uninteresting. There’s the occasional tossy monologue, or bullshit “moment” but as a rule, nothing of interest is revealed about them. The chief diver used to be a professional competitive spear fisherman (not joking) and is an environmentalist, but nobody comments that working on an oil rig is a bit hypocritical. The cameraman and the journalist were apparently really close and BFF’s (ZOMG), but this is only revealed in a cynical and exploitative close sequence, there was no indication of it in the film. The only character of any interest is the oil baron, who I think may be English, but that’s because he’s doing it for his kids. Or some such shit.
The acting is fucking inept as well. Al Sapienza, who plays creepy environmentalist spear fishing oil company working diver, looks and sounds like a fucking paedo. His girlfriend, imaginatively called “Maz” is a boring hippy cow as well, played with great aplomb as a boring hippy cow. I could go through the whole cast with this, but there’s no real point.
The special effects are also garbage. There’s terrible CGI galore, the shark has the gravity pull of a wafer thin mint, and the gore is laughably lame.
Overall, would I recommend this? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Not unless you’ve got an overwhelming urge to watch boring individuals go up and down in a glass elevator, or strain to park a coil. This film is a complete waste of time, a tragically and terminally boring entry into a genre that is replete with crap.
Megalodon: So wank that I’d rather watch a double bill of Sharks in Venice and Mega Shark v Giant Octopus.
Complete and utter shit.
Until next time,