Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Megalodon

   

   We upset the balance of nature   

Jarv’s Rating: 0 Changs. I have now come to the conclusion that we need some sort of symbol such as a giant pile of graboid shit to sum up films like this. I seem to watch a lot of them, and it is somewhat irritating that I haven’t got a picture that expresses my feelings for this absolute dog of a film.   

You know what? I’m now coming to the conclusion that it must actually be quite hard to make a big fish eats people film. I mean, the amount of abject failures out there, suggests to me that it must not be as easy as “place boneheads in water, have big angry fish chomp them, preferably in amusing ways”. I know this sounds daft, because the formula seems so fucking easy, but so many film makers miss the proverbial open goal. This rotten load of garbage is a case in point.   

Megalodon is shit. There’s no beating around the bush here: it’s shit. It’s so shit that I suspect that it’s used in China to fertilise rice paddies. It’s so shit that I’m nearly certain it’s standing for election in the UK in a few weeks. It is unquestionably crap. I mean, really, how the fuck do you cock this up: it’s about a giant fucking shark for fuck’s sake.   Basically, this is the plot: An oil baron has built a 2 billion dollar giant oil rig (imaginatively called “Colossus”) for deep-sea drilling in the Arctic circle. The oil baron has decided to invite a journalist on board as a PR stunt, and his douchey, uninteresting crew accidentally crack the bottom of the ocean to reveal another fucking ocean, but this one with prehistoric life in it. Giant fucking shark breaks free, carnage and hilarity singularly fail to ensue. Shark gets killed, Jarv throws DVD out of the window to watch it pleasingly shatter against the local government building office. Jarv then remembers that it’s a Lovefilm DVD, but a moment’s consideration leads him to the conclusion that it was fucking worth it.   

There are several serious problems with this film. The first, and by far the most important is that they fucked the premise up. By basing the film in the Arctic circle, you basically guarantee that nobody is going to be in the water in any danger of being Shark Bait. Cretins.   

Secondly, this is a film about a giant angry prehistoric shark. Therefore at some point in the first hour, I’d like to see said giant angry prehistoric shark. The nearest thing to action is when one of the minor characters is bitten on the arm by a fish hiding in a pipe. This is not interesting, Aside from the fish thing, there are endless shots of the underwater elevator going up and down to the bottom really fucking slowly, and an utterly interminable section in the revealed ocean with pretty illuminated jellyfish. Fuck flourescent sea creatures, who gives a toss about them? The film is called Megalodon for fuck’s sake. Where is the fucking shark?   

Thirdly, the action in this is utterly boring. When the shark does finally make an appearance, we get lots of shots of people piloting submarines around to avoid the shark. Except it actually looks like they’re sitting on the shitter in a port-a-cabin trying to park a coil. We also get shots of the shark swimming in circles banging into the struts of Colossus, and shots of the people in the fucking glass elevator. This is so completely and utterly boring that I can barely summon up the energy to describe it. When they do find a means to have the shark eat people (smashing up through underneath an iceberg), they’re so fucking pleased with themselves that they repeat it 3 times.   

The characters are bland and uninteresting. There’s the occasional tossy monologue, or bullshit “moment” but as a rule, nothing of interest is revealed about them. The chief diver used to be a professional competitive spear fisherman (not joking) and is an environmentalist, but nobody comments that working on an oil rig is a bit hypocritical. The cameraman and the journalist were apparently really close and BFF’s (ZOMG), but this is only revealed in a cynical and exploitative close sequence, there was no indication of it in the film. The only character of any interest is the oil baron, who I think may be English, but that’s because he’s doing it for his kids. Or some such shit.   

The acting is fucking inept as well. Al Sapienza, who plays creepy environmentalist spear fishing oil company working diver, looks and sounds like a fucking paedo. His girlfriend, imaginatively called “Maz” is a boring hippy cow as well, played with great aplomb as a boring hippy cow. I could go through the whole cast with this, but there’s no real point.   

The special effects are also garbage. There’s terrible CGI galore, the shark has the gravity pull of a wafer thin mint, and the gore is laughably lame.   

Overall, would I recommend this? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Not unless you’ve got an overwhelming urge to watch boring individuals go up and down in a glass elevator, or strain to park a coil. This film is a complete waste of time, a tragically and terminally boring entry into a genre that is replete with crap.   

Megalodon: So wank that I’d rather watch a double bill of Sharks in Venice and Mega Shark v Giant Octopus.   

Complete and utter shit.   

Until next time,   

Jarv.   

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

34 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Megalodon”

  1. Droid says :

    There are several serious problems with this film. The first, and by far the most important is I, out of my own free will, rented it.

    Funny stuff. If it’s even worse that Megashark then count me out! I was going to point out that as well as working on the oil rig hypocrisy, would being an environmentalist who spears fish for sport be hypocritical too?

  2. Jarv says :

    Apparently he was integral in the “sport” being banned.

    An absolute load of unmitigated tosh. Apparently there’s another Megalodon with Casper in it that’s a bit better, but I have no urge to find out.

  3. Jarv says :

    Why are there so few good hungry fish movies compared to shite ones.

    There’s one good one and one meh one for every 7 or 8 bad ones. I haven’t reviewed utter nonsense like Shark Swarm either.

    • Droid says :

      Apart from Jaws or Deep Blue Sea, what good shark movies are there?

      • Jarv says :

        There’s some meh big fish eats people ones (the likes of Frankenfish or some of the better Jaws sequels).

        But there is an overwhelming amount of poo.

    • Droid says :

      I want to see The Shark is Still Working, the doc on Jaws. I just looked at the website and it said there was a London screening at some film festival last December. Boo! Damn my cursed ignorance!

  4. Tom_Bando says :

    That’s so weird. Maybe you’d be better off watching the Deep w/ Nolte and Robert Shaw again?

    • Jarv says :

      Ooooh, that’s a good idea.

      Except this has put me off marine films for a while.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        But-it has Jaqueline Bissette. And she’s not wearin’ that much.

        Plus you get to see some guy’s head stuck into a hole and get munched by an eel. Neat.

  5. Continentalop says :

    The problem is shooting in the water is a huge obstacle for some filmmakers. That is why I suggest next shark movie they have scientist genetically alter them so they can exist on land.

    Land Sharks!

    • Droid says :

      Land Sharks!

      The deadliest predator in the ocean is now our greatest threat on land!

      Starring C. Thomas Howell, Casper Van Dien and Paris Hilton.

      Directed by the bloke who made the last three Steven Seagal STV’s.

      Coming to a Blockbuster near you.

      • Continentalop says :

        The sequel can be Sky Sharks! The could attack planes and helicopters.

        I can see the opening of the movie now:

        “But how could someone get bitten in half while sky-diving?”

      • Jarv says :

        Casper’s already been in a shark film- the confusingly named: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon.

        I found an old movie poster site which had some sterling looking creature features that I shall be procuring.

      • Droid says :

        Astrodykes vs Space Sharks from Mars!

        The sequel to the highest grossing film of all time…

        Astrodykes vs Werewolves on the Moon.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m sure I’ve seen something with Sky Sharks in it.

        I’ll have a think about it.

      • Continentalop says :

        So it is agreed. First they need to do Land Sharks, then do Sky Sharks, then Space Sharks, and then take it down a notch and do Snow or Sand Sharks.

        I expect Asylum to be calling us any second.

      • Jarv says :

        Sky Sharks has been a cartoon. Google just informed me.

        We shall have to call them something else to avoid copyright issues.

  6. koutchboom says :

    The next great shark movie will be MEG!!!!

    Well if it ever gets made. Couple years ago de Bont was going to direct it so sayth IMDB. But thats gone. That was an awesome read.

    Its the same giant shark like this movie, but they explain how it came up from the cold depths. It tears into another Megalodon using its warm blood to make it through the initial layers of cold water right outside of its heat from the earth core water boundery.

  7. Continentalop says :

    How about Sky-Shark Jarv? The hyphen will save us from a lawsuit.

  8. herr milflover says :

    Every idea in this site’s comments is surely better than 95% of the garbage Hollywood churns out.

    Yet it doesnt matter how good or bad shark movies are, the best shark death will always be Samuel Jackson in Deep Blue Sea.

    You can probably expect a lot of disappointed Tim Burton fans landing on this review because of the Big Fish tag.

  9. kloipy says :

    Jarv is this the one where the guy gets eaten on the jet ski?

    • Jarv says :

      Nope.

      This is the one where people in a glass elevator travel down to the bottom of the ocean. Then back up again. Then back down. Then back up.

  10. ThereWolf says :

    Getting a giant prehistoric shark movie wrong should carry an automatic custodial sentence.

    Sadly, given half a chance I’ll probably watch this. I’ve got a very high crap threshold.

    “Did someone order the fish?”

  11. Tom_Bando says :

    Jarv-the no changs symbol-how does this sound? some amalgam of a Goat, the Portuguese flag, and a Trekkie uni. You know that might work-

  12. Continentalop says :

    Anyone know what movie this is from? I think it is Shark Attack 3.

  13. xiphos0311 says :

    I suggest this as a way to show your utter distaste for a movie.

    tinyurl.com/668d4l

    I think that sums it up…

  14. DocPazuzu says :

    “There are several serious problems with this film. The first, and by far the most important is I, out of my own free will, rented it.”

    I’ll do you one better: I actually OWN this shitburger. I know, I know — FAIL.

    • Jarv says :

      It’ll be one of those that you can’t bring yourself to throw out. I nearly bought it, but am ecstatic that I managed to resist. I’d be fuming if I owned it.

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