Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Yor- Hunter from the future

Throw him off the cliff! Hurry! The gods must be appeased with fresh blood!

Jarv’s Rating: 1.5 Changs- a very weird film indeed.

I don’t know where to begin with this one. Yor: The Hunter From The Future is ostensibly a barbarian hero film, except Yor isn’t a barbarian hero. It’s ostensibly a sci-fi, except that Yor is clearly a fucking primitive, and surrounds himself with other primitives. It’s just the oddest mish-mash of genres and styles, with robots, planes, rubber dinosaurs, cavemen and the cheesiest theme song this side of Flash Gordon.

I have to say that I really didn’t know what to expect from this. It was recommended by Noted Sage Tom Bando and I was on that whole Beastmaster kick so thought fuck it, I’ll give it a spin. If I had any expectations at all they were low, and I was vaguely hoping for a bit of Deathstalker style stupidity. What I got was a huge amount of stupidity,  but not like anything I’ve ever seen before. There’s no nudity, laughable violence, a clash of civilisations between the prehistoric and the advanced  and a big loincloth clad goon.

Yor doesn’t fuck around. We’re thrown straight into the action as he pitches up to rescue a fur clad wench from an evil marauding papier-mache Rhinosceres-type beast. In he jumps, stone axe swinging and off comes the dino’s head. Pausing only to drink its blood (for strength), Yor is taken back to the village to be guest of honour at a feast. Said feast is ruined though, by the arrival of another tribe of cavemen who burn the whole place to the ground. This forces Yor to depart to search out a witch (don’t ask), and he’s accompanied by the wench (Kaa-Lee) and her father. The party grows when they add the witch to it (it turns out she’s Yor’s intended bride or some such) then there’s another fight with cavemen (who kill the witch), and another dinosaur battle before eventually they set out for an island.

I was a bit lost at this point.

On arrival at the island, Yor is kidnapped, leaving Pag and Kaa-Lee to play a bizarre game of hide and seek with lazer wielding robots. Eventually one thing leads to another and it’s all explained. It turns out that the island is home to an advanced civilisation led by the despotic Overlord who has a nefarious plan to eliminate the population of the world and replace them with robots. Luckily there’s a rebellion in the offing, and they (with a little help from Yor) overcome him before everyone of note flies off into the sunset in a space ship/ jet plane.

The acting is, and this isn’t going to come as a massive shock, crap. Former bond girl Corrine Clery tries her best as Kaa-Lee to no avail, and Reb Brown plays Yor with a huge smile on his face, but really they’ve got no chance with material as frankly demented as this. John Steiner is, on the other hand, dreadful as Overlord. He’s got all the menace of a hamster in a hissy fit, and despite getting the vast majority of the good lines in the film, manages to make the whole thing worse than it should be. However, the acting isn’t really the problem here.

Neither are the special effects. They are also, admittedly, complete crap but that doesn’t really matter. This is a zero budget Barbarian movie so I care not a jot that our caveman is fighting a plastic rhino and nor do I care that they couldn’t afford proper restraints so he just has to lie on the table saying “I demand that you release me” before someone presses a button and he can all of a sudden move again.

Nor is the score. The theme tune itself is hilarious in its cheesiness, and the other musical accompaniment is amusing and inoffensive enough. It doesn’t really fit the material in either the prehistoric or the futuristic section, but I haven’t really got any complaints about it.

So what is the problem then? Well, if you look at the plot synopsis above then you should have a fairly clear idea- it’s horribly disjointed and feels hopelessly episodic. Which isn’t surprising, really, seeing as Yor did start out life as a TV series made in Italy for Italians. After the four episodes had ended with reasonable success, some bright spark had the idea of basically gluing them together, cutting half an hour and giving us a 90 minute film. Why you would do this is lost on me, but they did. This means that the 2 sections of the film feel totally off, and his adventures don’t have a natural progression. I bet that episode one was the first Caveman tribe bit with Kaa-Lee, episode 2 will have been the scenes with the witch in the mountains, episode 3 will be the journey to the island and the concluding part will be overthrowing Overlord. I can’t prove this, but if I was a gambling man and willing to inflict 120 minutes of Yor on myself, then I would place money on that being the case.

Having said all that, though, I did have a good time with Yor. It’s obviously a terrible film, but it’s also a reasonably entertaining one. The theme tune is so goddamn cheesy that it put me in a cracking mood to watch some nonsense, and the film does deliver that in spades. If the science-fiction segments of it feel lacking in comparison, and it doesn’t really feel like it’s concluded properly, that strikes me as a small price to pay for having laughed at a muscle-bound nobhead clobber a papier-mache Rhino with a stone axe.

Overall, would I recommend it? I’m damned if I know. I’m just so confused by the whole thing that writing this review hasn’t shed any light on my feelings towards the film. It’s not a complete waste of time, but we aren’t exactly talking about Conan either. If you do decide to watch it, then on your own head be it- I’m not taking an iota of blame for this one as I’m as confused as a dog with two dicks regarding this film.

Do seek out the theme song though- it’s hilarious.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

65 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Yor- Hunter from the future”

  1. kloipy says :

    looks like Yor walked into the set of Carnosaur in that one picture Jarv. Great review

  2. Droid says :

    This is ostensibly a good review of an ostensibly awful looking movie that I will ostensibly never see.

    Ostensibly.

  3. kloipy says :

    Caligula only got one viewing from me. That was once too many

    • Jarv says :

      It’s the strangest film ever- Malcom McDowell and Helen Mirren in a film funded by Penthouse that’s basically smut. Not to mention that there’s a hard-core version of it.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I think I’ve seen the hard core version. Even still its pretty fucked up with out the added scenes.

        I bet its probably the most realistic movie about those times ever made.

      • kloipy says :

        yeah, the anal fisting was about enough

      • Jarv says :

        I doubt it very much. Don’t forget we’ve got (thanks to Tacitus) a fairly accurate record of the period.

      • koutchboom says :

        Has anyone ever watched Rome? I’ve heard that’s fairly raunchy as well? Like there is an episode where your the POV of a dong the whole time?

      • Jarv says :

        Rome is fucking mint Koutch and introduced the world to Ray Stevenson.

      • Droid says :

        Rome is another show I’ve been meaning to watch.

      • koutchboom says :

        But is there a dong POV episode?

      • Jarv says :

        not that I remember,

      • koutchboom says :

        NO DONG POV??? I’m out.

        Naw not really, just for now until Netflix gets HBO on their streaming shit. They got like all of Showtimes stuff, like the Tudors? But who fucking cares about H8?

      • Jarv says :

        The Tudors was SHIT, It was the beeb attempting to recapture the magic of Rome, except without being good in any way,

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, cause i’m sure the makers of Rome thought to themselves…

        “You know, I’ve always wondered what Ancient Rome would look like from a dongs point of view.”

      • Jarv says :

        Why not. Middle America seems really keen to know.

      • koutchboom says :

        Maybe it wasn’t the whole episode, but I remember my buddy telling me about it and getting all worked up. He was like “WHO WANT’S TO FUCKING SEE SOMETHING FROM A DONGS POINT OF VIEW! THIS IS FUCKING AMERICA MOTHER FUCKER!”

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah the Tudors just looked boring. I mean I’ve seen the inside of an English castle….good enough.

      • koutchboom says :

        Naw I’m just fucking I don’t even remember who told me about it. If anything I think they were TOO into the shot if you know what I mean.

    • Jarv says :

      He sounds a bit like he’s protesting too much, and really did want to see the dongcam in action.

  4. Droid says :

    Never seen Caligula.

  5. Abom says :

    Yor! Featuring Reb Brown of “Uncommon Valor.” I think I downloaded this but never actually watched it…

  6. M. Blitz says :

    I’m having a hard time understanding how this movie could be anything short of a hilarious good time. Unless it’s got too many slow sections and is just boring.

    Witches, wenches, robots and rhinos?? Crappy special effects and cavemen? Cheesy theme music? People battling a despotic Overlord who seeks to replace them all with robots! Sounds pretty awesome. Cryin’ shame if it isn’t……..

    • lordbronco says :

      Yep, Let’s get cracking on a new remake/re-imagining MB!

      I’m thinking…

      YOR 2: Revenge Of The Futuristic Caveman!

      Hmm, that’s not so great…

      You can come up with something much more scintilating, i’m quite sure!

    • Jarv says :

      It is hilarious. Especially the caveman stuff. It’s just a strange film- and I’m not sure at all about it.

      The problem with it is that if it were 3 30 minute episodes then it would be fucking awesome, but as it’s one film it kind of lurches from set piece to set piece.

      There’s an absolutely hilarious bit where Yor fights some lepers armed with a flaming sword.

  7. Tom_Bando says :

    It’s a whole lotta dum-dum fun. You are right, I have inflicted this upon you all via Noted_Raconteur Jarv. It’s a riot. Cave-man Ray guns. Plastic Dinos. Johnny Sokko level writing, sets, ‘plot’. Bad Vader jr. type baddie. Super chopped up series turned into a movie.

    I enjoyed every single second of it but am also quite certain the Italians are indeed, quite mad.

    • Jarv says :

      I did quite like it tom, but I couldn’t help but notice that there would be a big fight between Yor and a monster, then 30 mins of nothing then another big fight.

      It’s the last section of it with the Overlord that dips quite heavily,

      That theme is hilarious, though.

  8. Jarv says :

    To remove all element of doubt from this review- the 1.5 chang rating represents it being good-mediocre. I’ve only ever handed out 1 4 chang rating and 1 3.5.

    Anything between 1.5 and 2.5 is average to very good with 3 being excellent and 3.5 being exceptional.

    4 is for unreserved masterpieces such as Flash Gordon.

    This is why I always put a comment after the rating, and close with a recommendation.

    In the case of Yor, I’m so confused by it that I want to recommend it, but can’t really.

    Anyway, compared to the absolute SHITE that I’ve got coming up, it’s a four chang film:

    Wrong Turn 2, The Convent (another attempt to find a good Witchcraft film), Megalodon are next off the line with an underrated for Angel.

  9. lordbronco says :

    Ahhh-the clarification of the ratings is quite handy.

    Abom over at aibn is quite bloody picky as well-and has only given one movie a 5 out of 5 fists ever.

    The Warriors.

    Which is mint.

    • Jarv says :

      Being out of 4 makes it bloody hard, but if I’m honest anything 1.5-2.5 is worth a watch with 2.5 being good.

      I regret not giving Beastmaster 3 in light of subsequent other Barbarian films.

    • Hawaiian Organ Donor says :

      As you can see from my reviews, I’m not very picky. I’ve given out a few 5’s and a whole lot of 4’s. Of course, time will tell if those ratings were justified. I suspect many of them won’t be.

      • Droid says :

        Didn’t you give Clash 4 stars? I suspect another viewing down the road may cause you to reconsider. It’s not even a 2 Chang flick IMHO. And thats out of 4.

      • Jarv says :

        I often wonder if I should go back and up a few of mine. I’m sure that I’ve been unreasonably mean to a few.

      • Droid says :

        That said, Star/Chang/Fist ratings are, as a rule, a bit shit anyway and can be misleading. The content of the review is a much better way to guage the films success/failure.

      • Jarv says :

        ’tis true.

        I always try to be balanced, and the ratings are more guidelines.

        I don’t rate the underrated films.

      • Hawaiian Organ Donor says :

        I’m man enough to admit that over time the rating for Clash will almost certainly go down. I’ve revisited a lot of movies I loved when I was younger and for the life of me can’t see why now.

        For instance, I saw Virtuosity on cable this week and I enjoyed it in the theater, what, 15 years ago? That movie has aged horribly. The editing, dialogue, acting, story are all crap. That would have gone from 3 fists back in the day to a near middle finger of the apocalypse.

        So time is not kind to movies and ass cheeks.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve still got to go back and Chang rate the old Mavra reviews- and the first of my Moonwolves ones. I think that most of them are 2 Chang films with a few 3 Chang efforts, Dark Angel nearing 3.5 and Lifeforce nearing 4.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, I remember liking Virtuosity when it first came out. Then I saw it (well, I think I lasted about 40 minutes) a few years ago and it stinks. I gave up around the time Crowe does that symphony of pain thing in the nightclub. Jesus. Fucking abysmal.

        Time is not kind to movies and tits.

      • Hawaiian Organ Donor says :

        You got that right Droid. I don’t know who was in more pain during that symphony, the people being forced to scream at gunpoint or the audience watching that shit. How that scene didn’t result in me leaving the theater originally is a mystery.

        In another 10 years when I revisit my reviews I’m sure I’ll spend a week shaking my head.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah i’m not a huge fan of the number system. Its fun, but pointless really. I mean you could possibly break it down further, but still since its all subjective you need to explain yourself before you rate yourself.

  10. Tom_Bando says :

    I’ve been posting my pseudo-reviews on IMDB since 1999, and I sometimes go back and say-what the fuck was I thinking THERE and ‘I don’t remember seeing THAT one-‘ and what not.

    It’s kinda fun to go back thru and see what I thought of such and such movies back when. Usually I’ve not changed my mind (much) about’em–but there are times….

    Giant Robots are always a keeper.

  11. ThereWolf says :

    I’ve just been watching clips of Yor on YouTube. There’s one startling moment where he kills a (papier-mache) bat-like creature (instant rigor mortis upon death) then uses it to hang-glide into a cave whereupon he kicks a bad guy in the face!

    The song is fabulous.

    “… play a bizarre game of hide and seek with lazer wielding robots.” That did tweak the old memory bank. It’s possible I’ve seen at least some of Yor, then blotted it out.

    Corrine Clery – wasn’t she in The Humanoid, an Italian stab at doing Star Wars?

  12. just pillow talk says :

    I remember seeing this on MST3K, I’m pretty sure.

    You should watch Future War…it’s got “cyborgs” and dinos in it. It’s Epic.

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