Kloipy survived Battlefield Earth. Piece of Cake

Somehow I managed to go 10 whole years without watching Battlefield Earth. I had heard the stories, read the reviews, but nothing ever brought me to just watch this cinematic Titanic. My best friend had told me about it a few weeks ago and it sounded hilarious so I said that we should watch it. I had no idea what was in store for me.

Battlefield Earth is the dumbest fucking movie I have ever seen and I’ve seen some really dumb shit before. But nothing can quite top the complete ineptitude of Battlefield Earth. If I can say anything good about this movie, it’s that it is fucking hilarious in how god-awful it is. There isn’t one moment that isn’t filled with stupidity.

The movie plays itself out like it’s some epic journey, but if this movie has a plot it must be hidden for 135th level beta proxide thetan Scientologists. The movie opens with Barry Pepper as some kind of cave dwelling douche. His name is Johnny Goodboy. Good to see that names have evolved as well as people. They set these idiots up like they’ve reverted to cavemen. They prance around in loin cloths and are afraid of legendary beasts, which turn out to be mini golf course obsticles. And everyone has dreadlocks like we stepped into white Jamaica. Actually, come to think of it, there’s only one black person in this movie. I’m not counting Forest Whitaker because he plays a fucking alien. Way to be a racist L. Ron. Xenu would be mighty pleased.

So Johnny Be Goodboy makes his way to Denver (not kidding) where the aliens have set up shop. These aliens look like giant uncircumcised dicks. They set them up to be the most powerful race in the universe but they are about as smart as the kid that ate bugs during free play in grade school. The aliens on the planet are led by the one and only John Travolta as Terl (for those of you unaccustomed to understanding alien names, it is pronounced ‘Fuckface’). Fuckface laughs at everything like it’s the funniest goddamn thing in the world. I thought for sure this had to be intentionally funny but I really think that Travolta thought he was being a serious actor doing justice to Lord Xenu.

We learn that these aliens somehow took over Earth in 8 minutes, thus reverting men to neanderthals, and enslaving the humans to, I don’t know hit rocks with hammers? Fuckface wants to get a supply of gold (why would an alien need gold? Do they use gold on his gas giant planet?) so he hooks Johnny up to a machine that lets him learn the Pyschlo langauge. First off, what a dumb fucking name for an alien race is Pychlo? Was Insanor already taken? Somehow this machine gives Johnny the ability to learn complex math and learn how to fly a fucking SPACESHIP. This is a guy who after hitting a statue of a dinosaur tried to eat it and he’s learning alien technology. His thetans must be off the charts.

Fuckface leads the ‘manimals’ as he calls them to a place to dig for gold. Is Fuckface some kind of 1850’s prospector? He loved the Yukon Trail as a child. Johnny gets an idea to train the remaining humans for a rebellion and tricking Fuckface into giving him gold bars they will get at Fort Knox. Yes, Fort Knox is still around after the destruction of the planet, and the safe was left convieniently open for all these years. Johnny trains the humans to fly jet planes. WHAT THE FUCK. I can understand that maybe that machine helped him learn stuff, but this dumbshits are able to learn how to fly planes when they’ve never seen them or heard of them, by using, get this, GEOMETERY. Dear God.

The humans wage their war and win and Fuckface gets put in jail (nice touch there). This movie has no real plot, no characters to like. But it is filled with a lot of hilarious touches. Apparently on Psychlo, crap is a swear word. They use it all the time. As in the beautiful line “What kind of crap-lousy leverage is this?” They can’t even use a curseword right. Fuckface sees the humans eat a rat so he calls them all ‘ratbrain’ for the rest of the movie. Like theres a serious scene trying to build tension and he starts calling them ratbrain, takes you right out of the crap-lousy fest and makes you take a hammer to your nutsack or labia (if a girl would ever watch this piece of shit). Also it only takes one bomb to blow up the alien home planet because it is a gas giant. They are the most feared race and yet a match could take them out. Stupid universe. One of my favorite parts is the use of old catch phrases in the year 3000. Like ‘Piece of cake’. I shit you not they say it a lot. They say it 3 times in 1 sentence. Then one guy, after flying his plane into a building and just before blowing it up, dramatic music playing, says ‘piece of cake’. Boom.

Even though this movie is hilarious, it is also so dumb it will hurt your brain. I think a part of me died after watching Battlefield Earth. That part being my grey matter. And what the hell is Forest Whitaker doing in this movie? Even with his lazy eye he should have seen that this script was terrible. They must show this movie to new recruits in a Clockwork Orange type way, because I can’t figure out why anyone would be a part of a stupid fucking religion like Scientology.

I’ll finish this curse laden review by saying. Fuck L. Ron Hubbard, fuck Scientology, and Fuck you Battlefield Earth. Peace.

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About kloipy

a poor deluded sap hoping to find his place in this mixed up crazy world

33 responses to “Kloipy survived Battlefield Earth. Piece of Cake”

  1. MORBIUS says :

    You’re first paragraph is point for point why, I too never subjected myself to BE.

    Nice job kloipy, I may just get around to actually seeing this some day. If it took you ten years to cave I may be the
    last person on earth that hasn’t seen it.

    Kinda wish now that I had paid better attention in
    Geometry class, that shit may be extremely useful in the future…I could hijack any plane and fly it wherever…
    ‘piece of cake’…

  2. lordbronco says :

    *sighs*. Everything you say is true, and then some.

    I’m no apologist for Scientology or L Ron hubbard, but the book didn’t seem as stupid as this movie, even though all of that stuff was technically in there.

    L Ron was a good writer of potboiler sci-fi, I have to say. Think more like H Rider haggard or tom clancy kind of stuff…

    he also sponsored a sci-fi series that gave some writers their first break…

    However, scientology was a bet he made with issac Asimov, one he’s still posthumously winning to this day…knuckleheads.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      L. Ron Hubbard was a good sci-fi writer? do we share the same definition of good Bronco? because the books I tried to read were so fucking bad I used them to start fires. It was a public service.

  3. xiphos0311 says :

    Still have less then zero interest in seeing this.

  4. Chipps says :

    a moments silence for anyone who saw battlefield earth.

  5. Chipps says :

    including me. i saw it.

  6. kloipy says :

    thanks guys, those who have seen this know ‘the horror’

  7. Stuntcock Mike says :

    I couldn’t get further than ten minutes into this movie.

    I tried.

  8. kloipy says :

    Oh, i forgot to mention that this movie uses side wipes more than you would after food poisoning.

  9. Tom_Bando says :

    I sat thru about a half hour of this after hearing my brother rave about how ‘good’ it was. Oh man was he wrong. This was PooPoo and then some. I turned it off, had it on my shelves for about another year solid before taking it back to him, the rest unwatched. Thanks Kloipy for letting me know that the rest of this was just as bad as can be.

    Egads. Reason 101 why John Travolting’s comeback slammed to a halt in 2000, Swordfish notwithstanding.

  10. redfishybluefishy says :

    never saw this and i really don’t plan to. it sounds painful, and i just can’t abide even the slightest fraction of a cent going to those clamheads. sorry that you lost some grey matter to this movie.

  11. Barfy says :

    …learn the Pyschlo langauge. First off, what a dumb fucking name for an alien race is Pychlo? Was Insanor already taken?

    Made me spit my coffee Kloipy.

    Thank you for saving a few hours of my life by not having to see this.

  12. Jarv says :

    This film can be improved really easily:

    I know this sounds nuts, but if you tilt your telly at 30 degrees ish until the picture is horizontal then the film is loads better.

    It’s still shit though.

  13. ThereWolf says :

    I, too, have managed to avoid BE.

    And thanks to this fantastic review I shall make sure the unthinkable never occurs.

  14. Tom_Bando says :

    You know that whole 15 minute saucer barrage in Invasion of the Neptune Men? It’s the part where they demolish the Hitler Building and send Tom Servo over the edge? That at least is leavoned by having the MSTK3 treatment. I don’t think you could actually watch it otherwise. Just too painful to contemplate.

    This is how what little of Battlefield Earth that I did see came off . Maybe if you had the two bots there and Joel or Mike it’d be watchable, MAYBE—–

  15. koutchboom says :

    I really don’t mind this movie. Its not good its just a silly throw away syfy. No where near the WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME everyone alls says about it. I’ve read a good chunk of the book, I think I just gave up on reading it. It was interesting nothing like the movie but thats gotta be obvious.

  16. Droid says :

    Yeah, I saw this when is first came out on VHS. It’s complete and utter garbage and I’ve mostly forgotten it.

    And I was going to mention that every single scene transition is a wipe, but Kloipy mentioned it in the comments.

    Lastly, apparantly they’re called Psychlos because L. Ron hated Psychiatrists or Psychologists or both. That’s what I read anyway.

  17. Tom_Bando says :

    I always liked Barry Glibb.

  18. herr milflover says :

    I caught about 10 minutes of this on tv once, some scenes where Trav… I mean Fuckface was being mean to the cavemen, and could barely believe how bad it was.

    But then “This is what scientologists actually believe” so it shouldnt be so surprising.

  19. herr milflover says :

    But still, shouldnt this movie get some credit for creating the breakthrough ‘optical illusion to make characters appear bigger than others’ effect technique later used for the Hobbits in the Lord Of The Ring trilogy?

  20. koutchboom says :

    In all fairness to the whole machine that allows him to learn how to fly spaceships…is it really any different then “I know Kung Fu!” or the language machine in Outlander?

  21. kloipy says :

    this is scary

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