Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Beastmaster 3: The Eye of Braxus

You’re a pathetic freak of nature. I’m doing the world a favor by removing you from it.

Jarv’s Rating: 1 solitary chang. Dramatically better than Beastmaster 2, but still sort of shit.

Thank fuck this is over. This really has been one of the most ill-advised trilogy sessions that I’ve ever been stupid enough to inflict on myself. I was absolutely dreading this installment, as Beastmaster 2: Through the sphincter of misery had sucked my interest in this series dry. The omens weren’t good- it’s got a stellar cast and a low certificate, not to mention that this is the only Beastmaster that went straight to video. Nevertheless, being the fearless soul I am, I girded my loins, grabbed a beer, lit a spliff and bravely put it on.

I kind of wish I hadn’t.

Let me get this absolutely clear from the start. This is a huge improvement on part 2, in that it didn’t make me want to drown a sack full of ferrets in the canal. That is in no way, shape or form a recommendation. It suffers to some extent from the same failings as Part 2- in that it is clearly aimed at children. As a result, we again have a barbarian film with a boob count of zero, and no blood. I feel that the people that make these kiddie friendly barbarian films really miss the point- they’re fundamentally violent and messy affairs, or at least they should be.

To the maker’s immense credit, they make the wise decision to pretend that part 2 didn’t exist. So this time out Dar is still wondering around in the wilderness with his animal buddies (although the Tiger seems to have transformed into a Lion for some reason), before being drawn into a quest to save his brother Tal from nefarious magical git Lord Agon (a hilarious David Warner) who hopes to use the magical Eye of Braxus to free the god from the pits of hell. Needless to say, Dar assembles a crew, good wins and everybody goes out for milk and cookies.

The acting is much, much better than in Part 2. Tony Todd is excellent as Seth (well, that’s going too far- competent) and Singer is in full ironic wry smile mode. Casper Van Diem is fucking ridiculously po-faced as King Tal, which is a good thing, and Lesley Anne Down and Sandra Hess provide adequate non-irritating female support.

What I really want to talk about with regards to the actors, though, is costume. Seriously, in BM2, Dar had some kind of ridiculous perm going on, so this time they’ve let Singer (still a big bastard, but his face seems to be aging at a different speed to his body) keep his actual hair. In retaliation, though, they’ve done this to poor Casper:

I mean really, what the fuck is that on his head? First time I saw it, I nearly cracked a rib laughing, and as is to be expected, it moves completely independently from his head. His head goes left- wig stays in exactly the same position. It’s priceless. Even giving it the benefit of the doubt… Actually, scratch that- it’s ridiculous.

Which sort of neatly brings me on to the Special Effects, given that that wig is an effect all of it’s own. They’re fucking terrible. I mean really, really pathetic. For example, when Braxus finally gets free (in a scene shamelessly ripped off Conan the Destroyer of all things) some genius had the idea to make the ultimate evil god a big rubber dinosaur that would be more in place on the fucking Power Rangers. What’s even worse, though, is that they decided that they’d allow Braxus to talk, but not having a clue what evil reptilian god bastards sound like, and not enough imagination to make a good guess, they just have him start every sentence with “Hey”.  This is, it has to be said, kind of funny for about 2 minutes. Then it gets old and annoying.

The direction this time is vastly superior to the pathetic Beastmaster 2, in that at least they had an actual vision of what they wanted to do with it. However, having said that, the fight scenes are also sort of pathetic. Tony Todd gives it a good go clobbering people with a big stick, and the two wenches get gamely stuck in, but Dar seems to spend more time polishing his sword (not a euphemism) than actually using it on people- and even when he does get in a fight most of the time he punches or kicks them. What’s the point of having a sword if you’re going to hit people with the hilt rather than lop their heads off? You, sir, are a crap Barbarian hero, and are, in fact, a pussy and a cunt. Some genius also made the decision to get rid of the epic score from the first film, and I feel that this was a terrible mistake. It makes the film feel much smaller in scope, and it doesn’t matter how much jungle/ desert he wanders around in.

Overall, there are some laughs to be had (the ridiculous “shroud of agony” being another example) from Beastmaster 3, but at the end of the day it’s pretty crap. I can’t say I’d recommend it, because I wouldn’t, but it is at least twice as good as the piss poor Beastmaster 2.

I hope one day that someone returns to Dar, and makes a proper balls-out Barbarian movie with beheadings, tits, people being mauled by angry lions and a big fucking epic score, because it feels really unsatisfactory to leave the series on such a low note (I am aware of the TV series, but that’s bound to be shit). Come on producer dudes, Conan is being remade, get out there and find a big muscle bound doofus and bring Dar back.

Just don’t spray paint a tiger this time. I hear such practices are frowned upon in the 21st Century.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

22 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Beastmaster 3: The Eye of Braxus”

  1. DocPazuzu says :

    Yeah, pretty bad, but not insulting like Beastmaster 2. Kudos for seeing this through to the end.

    Btw, you DO know there are a total of four Deathstalker flicks, right? There’s your work cut out for you, right there. If you can make it through the terrible parts 2 and 3, you will be rewarded by seeing Rick Hill returning to the role of Deathstalker in part 4. It’s still shit, though.

  2. just pillow talk says :

    Wow.

    The two follow-ups make me quite sad. I’m so glad I haven’t seen them.

    And you can’t bring Dar back. These type of movies were lightning in a bottle. The shit that made Beastmaster special, namely being made in the early eighties, would be grossly missed in any sort of remake/reboot/sequel type deal.

  3. Hawaiian Organ Donor says :

    Did they steal the sets from Krull?

    You should review that one next, Jarv.

    • Jarv says :

      The woods is next, then as requested Galaxina, then Vice Squad and Angel.

      after all that I may consider Deathstalker or Krull

    • just pillow talk says :

      I watched Krull again last year. I almost remembered the fights being good as a kid. Er, not so much.

      And I totally forgot Liam was in it too.

  4. xiphos0311 says :

    Did I ever tell you guys my meeting Casper van Diem story?

    • Jarv says :

      No.

      Where did you meet him?

      • xiphos0311 says :

        A friend of mine she is friendly with Catherine Oxenberger Van Dien’s old lady. Spent a few hours with them and had lunch.

        He’s a nice enough guy just not all that swift if you get my drift. Casper went to some sort of military prep school in Florida, I think, and his father was in the Navy I believe so we talked about that junk and sports.

        Gotta say dude is one good looking man. It was a weird lunch you had three spectacular looking people sitting around a table with my ugly ass. There was more then one double take going on.

    • lordbronco says :

      Was he wearing the wig?!?

    • lordbronco says :

      and stories where he turns out to be a reasonable and cool guy–i don’t want to hear those stories!

      I want something extreme!

      Make it up, if need be.

  5. lordbronco says :

    Singer does look a bit like a human photoshop page…don’t get me wrong-I’m no Adonis, I’m just saying.

    His head looks like it’s tired of it’s body, and it wants to get some sleepy time…

  6. koutchboom says :

    Well the score probably left because it went DTV.

  7. DocPazuzu says :

    “His head looks like it’s tired of it’s body, and it wants to get some sleepy time…”

    Now THAT is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. I laughed for ages. Cheers, Lord B.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      I always liked this early 80’s genre. Dragonslayer actually is pretty okay if you are into that sorta thing.

      PaZooz though is the resident Yor: Hunter of the Future expert-from the Sounds. We need a PaZooz review of Yor-complete with: Caveman rayguns, Darth Vader Jr. baddies and Italian 5 cent F/X that are meant to make your head spin and pine for Automan marathons instead. Ah those were the days….

      • M. Blitz says :

        Is Dragonslayer the one where the girl is supposed to get sacrificed(?), goes into a cave(?) and gets eaten by baby dragons(!?) Because if so, that’s another one I watched when I was very small and that girl getting eaten by dragons FUCKED with my head, big time!

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Must …resist…the easy….set up…

      • M. Blitz says :

        Oh goddammit

    • lordbronco says :

      Thank you DP *bows*

      Blitz-DragonSlayer is exactly that messed up flick that also messed with my head as wee lad. It is one of the Trilogy or Series oF Evil Disney Kid’s movies that I love more and more as time goes by-but not for any of my theoretical Kids!

      The Other’s are Disney’s The Black Hole-Something Wicked This Way Comes, and also Watcher in The Woods. One could make a case for The Witch mountain series…

      Watch Watcher In The Woods-it stands up to an adult sensibilty of being a goddamned creepy as fuck movie-(excuse my French mademoiselle)

      That rutting scene of the Dragon babies-Still haunts me to this day…Now heres to hoping Benicio Del Toro watches Dragonslayer before working on Smaug for the Hobbit.

      Dragons are top flight alpha predators of the natural fantasy world-very nasty business when done right !

  8. Tom_Bando says :

    There’s a Portuguese sequel where baby Lepers are left in a cave and are Eaten by Goats….

    • MORBIUS says :

      I think I read an article about that, it also mentioned some pustule afflicted ‘afterbirth’ survived and managed to crawl out of the cave and has been spotted repeatedly terrorizing (read ‘tossing’) small goat herds in and around Almada….

  9. MORBIUS says :

    Why didn’t they just stick with the plan? Sign Tanya Roberts to the sequels, and have her ‘get em out’. Money in the Bank…

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