Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Megaforce

“That’s totally inapplicable to anything that’s going on here, and it’s dumb.”

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs- hilarious.

Megaforce is a subtle and compelling story about the problems of being homosexual in the US Army in the 1980’s.

Only joking, it’s actually a “serious” action movie about an international army that all wear lycra jumpsuits, are led by a man with a penchant for pastel  blue bandanas and use state of the art weaponry including flying motorbikes that emit smoke in the colour of the rainbow flag to distract the enemies. They also live in an underground bunker with no women, and their preferred tactics invariably involve “taking the enemy up the rear.”

So not gay in the slightest, then.

Megaforce is a camp classic. It’s absolutely hilarious, completely over the top and bordering on ridiculous. There’s plot holes aplenty, cheesy acting, terrible special effects (the flying motorbike in particular is awful), and it has a synth score that could have come straight from a gay club.

The year is 1982. Some imaginary nation that I can’t be bothered to look the spelling up of is being tormented by evil General Guerro. General Byrne-White and his fetching sidekick Major Zara in desperation turn to the only homosexual international army around to come in and kick some arse. What follows is a masterpiece of gay innuendo, gloriously stupid battle scenes, and a frankly magnificent fake “fuck you” ending.

Megaforce, aside from having all the state of the art technology in the world (don’t ask), is commanded by the splendid Major Ace Hunter. Aside from his penchant for pastel blue bandanas, he’s apparently the finest military commander on the planet. He’s supported by proud to be redneck Dallas and nerdy scientist Egg. They’re a motley crew alright, but what they lack in brains they make up for in sheer gung-ho stupidity.

The acting, as noted, is terribly cheesy. Barry Bostwick as Ace is downright hilarious. He tries to deliver every line with a twinkle in his eye leading to much unintentional comedy (especially in his exchanges with Zara which have all the chemistry of a glass of water). Michael Beck (much better known as Swan in The Warriors) is also hilarious as Dallas. Someone must have known how bad they were when this was being filmed.

Aside from the monumentally dreadful acting, the script delivers its fair share of howlers. There’s a scene with Dallas and another soldier comparing size of something or other, but they’re blatantly comparing cock size and even hold their hands up in a “my fish is this big” gesture. You can’t buy comedy like that.

No, I haven't a fucking clue what they were playing at here, either.

Aside from generally atrocious dialogue, the film is also monumentally stupid. Ace and General Guerro (Duke, for no apparent reason) go back a long way, except Ace is pissed off because Duke stole his lighter. Never steal the leader of the pink brigade’s engraved Zippo. Bad evil General. Anyway, half way through the operation, the General flies in in a helicopter and this leads to much hugging. I always believed that hugging was a major part of desert warfare and it’s nice to see it confirmed.

The climactic battle is even dumber, the General tells them that they can only fly out from a dry lake. Because this is clearly the only place in Gambia (groan) that a big Hercules jet can land. So, to be fair, he offers Ace a way out. Ace refuses because he won’t leave his men. What a guy! Anyhow, Duke is a bit of a bastard so has parked all his tanks with the mountains to the back of them facing the lake so if Megaforce want to escape, then they have to drive right into gunfire. Except the silly bastard forgot about the major road through the mountains behind him. This is meant to be a “hidden trail” but it’s fucking PAVED! Cue big battle, with Megaforce busting through the tanks, releasing multicoloured smoke to disguise them, and piling on to the plane. Except someone forgot Ace, but it’s OK, because his motorbike can fly.

I honestly haven’t enjoyed a film as much as this one in ages. From the ridiculous faux-cool opening credits, with the laughable score, through the inane posturing and terrible dialogue, to the absolutely unbelievably dumb conclusion, I was in stitches. This film is high comedy.

Overall, I highly, highly recommend Megaforce. It’s great fun, and one of the most quintessentially bad films that I’ve ever seen. It’s almost a perfect example of how not to make a war movie (bodycount=0) and an absolute riot of unintended humour. Cretinous, atrocious shit of the highest order, but there’s nothing to beat it in terms of sheer comedy. A true dumbhouse classic.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

25 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Megaforce”

  1. Jarv says :

    Completely forgot to mention that Ace blows a kiss by biting the top of his thumb and then holding it up in a traditional “thumbs up” gesture. This is apparently standard practice in the US army- or at least I think it is, because nobody seems perturbed by it in the slightest.

  2. Droid says :

    Sounds like idiotic fun. Is Ace Hunter supposed to sound like Ass Hunter, or is it just me?

  3. Jarv says :

    It’s put me in the mood to watch GI Joe now.

    • Droid says :

      Well, I’ve seen GI Joe and it sounds pretty similar. Joe is fun. Completely fucking stupid and shit, but I chuckled quite a lot. Especially at JGL.

    • koutchboom says :

      Ahhh don’t listen to him Jarv. GI Joe is perfect. Its the movie Transformers should have been. I mean its a fucking movie based on a toy. Yes its going to be stupid. But its a lot of fun and it has the tone of GI Joe down right as well. Also most of the CGI is pretty awesome. The best part is that Chatum actually gets better as the movie goes along.

  4. kloipy says :

    hilarious! But one question: is Ace Hunter a Fremen?

  5. kloipy says :

    hilarious! But one question: is Ace Hunter a Fremen?

  6. M. Blitz says :

    Fuck! This reminded me that I’ve been meaning to watch Road Movie, which I found on youtube a couple months ago. Barry Bostwick plays a young trucker. But I waited too long and it’s nowhere to be found now. Alas…

    This sounds absolutely hilarious, though.

  7. xiphos0311 says :

    ah 1982 a great year for goofy as fuck genre movies and this might just be one of the goofiest most unintentionally yet intentionally queer movies ever made. I bet Mega Force is taught in “queer theory” classes in college.

    looking at list of movies from 1982 I came to the realization that it was a great year for movies.

  8. jarv says :

    It was a great year. I always feel that Megaforce gets forgotten.

  9. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    ahh Megaforce! Jarv, when do we review The Eliminators?

  10. Continentalop says :

    I just remember the tagline: Are You Man Enough For Mega Force.

    Even as a kid I could tell that was code for something…

  11. lordbronco says :

    Epic. And as odd as it sounds, somehow the guys who made this got a merchandising/toy line out of the deal…

    Wait a minute—perhaps it happened the other way around…

    Mystery Solved!

    http://www.toyarchive.com/Megaforce/Prototypes/GoliathConceptBox.html

  12. lordbronco says :

    And while I’m at it: What with remake fever hitting American Cineplexes along with mofifications of US “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policies…look for my my remake/sequel:

    Megafor2e: Return Of The Rainbow

    Coming soon to theaters near you…

  13. Tom_Bando says :

    Haw i can remember when this came out, we all thought it looked ‘cool’. Never did see it…..another one of those Damnation Alley type genre flicks that on the outset seems it might be fun, but is soo sooo wrong-headed. And just Poo-poo w/ capital P’s.

    Another one from ’82 not to miss–Sword and the Sorceror.

    • DocPazuzu says :

      What’s so awsome about 1982 is that it wasn’t just the mind-boggling crop of really great genre movies that came out that year, but the equally amazing batch of B-movies which are arguably just as classic.

      There’ll never be another year like it.

      DocP

  14. herr milflover says :

    The way you describe it, it’s like there’s no way in hell that they could have possibly be taking themselves or what they were doing seriously in any way shape or form

    I’ve never seen it, but now I want to. Sounds hilarious.

  15. DocPazuzu says :

    Megaforce = utter WIN

    One of the funniest shit movies ever made. I watch it far too regularly for it to be even remotely healthy.

    I always loved how the “world’s most secret military force” is easily looked up by the leaders of a cheesy, feeble, faux-Rhodesian republic. Also, it’s run by the “free nations of the world” yet has Soviet members. WTF?

    “I just stopped by to tell you that the good guys always win, even in the 80’s!”

    DEEDS NOT WORDS!

    DocP

    • Jarv says :

      Not to mention that the majority of the soldiers are blatantly American and they’ve got Soviet weaponry.

      If you can’t laugh at Megaforce, then you’re dead inside.

  16. Tom_Bando says :

    Another genre movie that deserves a re-watching-Yor, Hunter of the Future! Caveman Ray guns! Super duper $1.99 F/X! Darth Vaderish baddies! Yes! it’s for you, it’s for me, it’s Yors in 1983~

    • DocPazuzu says :

      Hey Bando, some guy at TV Vault posted a torrent for the complete Yor miniseries a while back. It’s much longer than the movie version and has the added bonus of everyone being dubbed in Italian — even Reb Brown’s man-girl screams.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        There is a Yor MINI-SERIES?? and somehow Herkimer Never, ever revealed this to the world at large over at Harold’s?? Truly a legacy of shame.

  17. Stuntcock Mike says :

    Cunts not words.

    Man, this movie will never not be hilarity.

  18. lordbronco says :

    M.ilitary E.lite G.ay A.rmy Force! I have to admit, I haven’t actually ever seen it…but they had ads for it in all the American Comic Books back when I was a child.
    Gah–must download-*ahem* rent on VHS…

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