Kloipy’s cycle is all screwed up from New Moon

 

2 hours and 10 minutes. That is the time of my life that is never coming back thanks to The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Or as I like to refer to it, Twatlight. This movie is like cinematic vomit. It’s the same stuff regurgitated over and over again, and by the end of it I was left with the need for some Pepto.

What’s good about this movie? The directing is definitely better than in the first one The Twilight Saga: Twilight. It actually looks like a real movie not some Hallmark shit.

Good, now that we got that shit out of the way. What’s bad about this movie? Every-fucking-thing. This movie plays like the fake suicide attempt of a 14 goth girl who believes that The Cure wrote songs directly to her. Apparently this is supposed to be romantic but it’s just bullshit. Edward Cullen is the biggest cunt this side of Casa de Bates. He spends the first half hour of this movie sauntering and talking about how much he loves Bella, how much he will never hurt her, and how he can’t live without her. Then by accident on of the vampires tries to attack her and the next day he’s like “Sorry bitch I gotta get the fuck outta here”. So the movie gives us a montage of this girl sitting in her room for months just pining for this little bitch.

Soon she meets up with her old friend Jacob, who is a werewolf in training, and she starts fucking around with his emotions because she has nothing better to do than stare out the window. At first you are thinking, this guy is way too good for her, but then he starts blabbering about how he will never let anything happen to her and so forth. Then, like a couple lines of dialouge later and he starts getting his first wolf boner and he’s like “I gotta get the fuck outta here too.” Maybe this is just a signal that Kristen Stewart is so annoying that even the men who supposedly love her can’t take her for more than a few days.

So, soon Bella discovers that if she puts herself in danger, a fart cloud of Edward will appear and tell her not to do it. Really? This shit gets so annoying so quickly. I’m one of those people that believes that Edward has all the signs of a domestic abuser. He fucks around with this girls emotions and then he leaves her, but then shows up to tell her not to do things. I bet he also reads all her emails and follows her around. We already know that he watches her sleep without her knowledge. Just like a good boyfriend or the Green River Killer would do.

So she’s stuck with either the whiny vampire or the whiny werewolf. The werewolves aren’t really werewolves, they are just crappy CGI wolves that run around shirtless at all times so that older women can feel good about statutory rape. At least the wovles try to fuck some people up instead of just hissing. Way to go, wolves.

So, for what feels like an eternity, a whole lot of nothing happens until Bella dives off a cliff. Edward thinks she is dead so he goes to some gay Vampire college to make them kill him by showing himself in the sun to normal people. Unfortunately he doesn’t get engulfed in flames by this, he would just fucking glitter in the sun like a kitten sticker. So Bella somehow makes it to this place just as he’s stepping out the door and saves him. But then Dakota Fanning and some other losers tell him that he needs to make her a vampire or they will kill her. So Edwards gets all pissy again and gives her another speech about how she doesn’t want to be a monster like him, and how she doesn’t know what it’s like to not have a soul, and how his dick doesn’t work cause he is dead.

At this point I thought “Thank God, this movie is finally over” but oh no. We need to see another 20 minutes of this lame ass story. How the Cullen family already thinks of her as a daughter (they’ve known her for what, 3 months?) and then we have the meet-up between Jacob and Edward. They have the verbal equivelant of a slap fight and then Jacob runs off, but not before crying one wolf tear. Edward starts telling her AGAIN that he won’t ever let anything hurt her. I’m sure he’ll say the same thing in the next one. Then just as the movie is finally ending, Edward asks Bella to marry him. And she gasps. Roll credits. Really Bella? You didn’t see that coming at all?

What happens when they do turn her into a Vampire and they find out that they aren’t really compatible? Is there a Vampire divorce court for these sort of situations? What does a 110 year old vampire want with a bi-polar teenager anyway. Do they really have that much in common? She likes MTV Cribs, he dodged the draft in Vietnam.

I know these movies weren’t made for me. I know that they appeal to sensibilites of young girls and so forth, but what kind of message does this send to these kids who are so in love with the Edward type? It’s ok to have a boyfriend who controls your every move, who tells you one second he loves you and can’t live without you, and the next tells you to stay away. This movie is not only dumb but it sends a bad message to impressionable teens. Or adults…

Maybe I’m reading to much into it. Maybe I should just let it go. Maybe, but when vampires don’t have fangs, don’t die in the sun, don’t sleep in coffins, have reflections, don’t get burned by holy water, don’t get disturbed at the sight of the cross, don’t have to be let in, don’t have anything else to do with vampires, and spend all their time looking for jail bait it kinda pisses me off. So yeah, fuck you Twatlight and the wolf you rode in on.

PS: note to future Twilight directors. Please don’t shoot Bella laying down. Kristin Stewarts eyes look all cross eyed and fucked up. Better yet, stop making these movies altogether. Thanks.

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About kloipy

a poor deluded sap hoping to find his place in this mixed up crazy world

37 responses to “Kloipy’s cycle is all screwed up from New Moon”

  1. Droid says :

    Ha! Very funny review, Kloipy. I haven’t seen these movies and thank christ I’ve had that much sense.

  2. Stuntcock Mike says :

    I think you’ve been too hard on the Green River Killer. Fuck this toss.

    Cronenberg for Breaking Dawn and I might actually think of watching it.

  3. kloipy says :

    Droid- you are one lucky bastard!
    Stuntcock- good to see you man! I think I would prefer an evening with John Wayne Gacy to Edward Cullen
    And I would be first in line for the Cronenberg version of twilight. Once and for all Edward will literally become a giant vagina

  4. Stuntcock Mike says :

    Thing is Droid, Crones would be the perfect choice.

    **spoiler?**

    Apparently she gets knocked up and they have to tear the baby out with his vampire teeth or some shit like that and then she becomes a shrill shrieking wolf or something.

    Cronenberg is the only choice really.

  5. Stuntcock Mike says :

    Good review by the way Kloipy. Everytime somebody reviews this series of soppy cunt movies it warms the heart to know that some of us are still sane.

  6. kloipy says :

    thanks Mike, I just hope this is one of those things that once the movies are over, people forget about it. But scary thing is I think it’s almost becoming the tween version of Romeo and Juilet

  7. Jarv says :

    Cracking review Kloipy.

    I’m in the camp of never seen this, never going to.

    • kloipy says :

      you’d do best not to Jarv. One can only handle so much shit

      • Jarv says :

        I would rather rewatch The Descent 2 than this.

        You know the Werewolf cunt is a kiddie fiddler? He’s “imprinted” on her unborn (unconceived) child and is destined to be in love with her.

        The whole thing is wrong.

      • kloipy says :

        yeah I heard that shit! Couldn’t she come up with something better than that?

  8. lordbronco says :

    Here’s my embarrassing New Moon story.

    I was hassling the excellent customer service personnel at our local national video store-which I am want to do come every Tuesday when DVDs get released.

    Unfortunately, they were quite harried and busy-so I was stuck in front of the Sony PS3/Blu-Ray Kiosk and I am treated to the final act of “New Moon” whilst waiting to complain about what a skeeze Sandra Bullocks soon-to-be ex-husband is.

    Which is just fine and dandy, except there are a bunch of twelve year boys and girls messing about waiting on their parents to get checked out of the video queue line!

    *Spoilers below*

    Whatsher Face is running around one of the most beautiful and accommodating cities in the world-Firenze.

    And then we have Edmund revealing his sparkling, emaciated glory for all to see as he snivels his way to some kind of denouement…

    Except he’s hanging out his pubic hair all over the god damned place-and I’m UTTERLY MORTIFIED.

    I finally have to look at the 12 year old girl who’s watching this utter, grotesque shit, and I come up with the line:

    “This movie…IS STUPID!”

    And I had to run away!!!

    As an adult, I do tend to file this under “Found Comedy”, if I’m sitting around with a bunch of adults and we are seriously into our cups, but what does one say to a video store that broadcasts this drivel to a bunch of snot-nosed brats?

    Did I say: “Here’s an anatomy example of a morose, entitled moron *acting* like he has his man parts laid out for the public to see in gorgeous 1080p High Def while 10 and 12 year old kids pick their noses and get introduced to retarded human sexuality?”

    To be clear, I said nothing, and left abruptly.

    I will close by thanking Kloipy for the sublime review of stupidity.

    But if you really want to ramp up the viewing experience, I suggest you invite your nieces and nephews to watch this piece of crap movie along with you.

    I think it could be a learning lesson for all involved about the birds and the bees.

    Better yet, invite a bunch of strangers kids to view this piece of crap together-I’m sure things will work out well!

    • kloipy says :

      i could see having fun with it with some friends throwing stuff at the screen but I made the fatal mistake of watching this by myself at like 1 am. I was in no mood for that movies bullshit
      and I agree Bronco, what in the next one is he going to whip out his glittery dick in front of an elementary school?
      I did think during that scene that if anyone does need to go out in the sun, it’s that pale mother fucker. Makes Powder look like fucking Barry White

  9. xiphos0311 says :

    Twat Light Moms=Easy pickings since they are all violently unhappy and unfulfilled. All you would need is some body glitter and pale make up a la Bowie circa 1975. Glam, getting you laid for 35 years.

    • kloipy says :

      At least Ziggy played guitar, jamming good.

      Edward played piano, just for some dumb teen girl and the eyeballs from mars. He played it real queer and somehow’s a star. He’s so loaded man, filled with bullshit fans

    • kloipy says :

      also Xi if you look close at that picture, one of those women is FUCKING CRYING. A grown woman crying because of a young adult movie series.

  10. MORBIUS says :

    Hah, great write-up Kloipy, funny stuff. But seriously, what did you think of the movie? Wasn’t it just dreamy? I’m hoping that in the next one, there will be UNICORNS!

    • kloipy says :

      Thanks Morbius! I have to say that watching The Twilight Saga: New Moon was in fact the greatest experience in my lifetime. If you are looking for a movie with real ‘bite’ than look no further.
      Actually it would be hilarious if Bella fell in love with a different monster each movie
      From Golems to Chupacabra’s, Bella swan pines for them all

  11. M. Blitz says :

    The review was often hilarious, much like the movie! ANd though I’ve said this before, it is true. New Moon is completely brilliant and awesomely stupid. There’s good fun to be had there. Deep in the dumbness…if only you give it a chance.

    For me, it is the best of both worlds. The incredible dumbness keeps me entertained via gawking and laughing my ass off. And the incredible weirdness leaves all this room for theorizing on various levels. It lends itself really well to that. Especially if properly intoxicated, but that probably goes without saying, honestly.

    • kloipy says :

      Blitz, i think if I still enjoyed certain medicinal herbs I would have had a lot of fun with this movie. But seeing it sober was enough to make me not only fall off the wagon, but burn that son of a bitch to the ground

  12. herr milflover says :

    Excellent review, Kloipy.
    Reading this kind of stuff almost makes me want to watch it just to witness the insanity. Almost, but not quite enough.

    Given my name, I have to say that these Twilight Moms are definitely appealing. But then, considering how nuts they go over this tweener crap, I’m not sure I’d be willing to get involved with one of them, she’ll most likely turn out to be some kind of emotional basketcase. I’ve had my share of those, and at this point in my life I’d rather keep on masturbating to online porn than get into that kind of relationship nightmare again.

    • kloipy says :

      Herr-thanks man! If you do check it out, please let me know what you think. Hopefully that day won’t come though. haha
      You would do best to stay away from TM’s as they probably expect that even your shit should come out sparkling and smelling of sandlewood.
      I am a firm believer that although most of these women think they want a man like Edward, they would tire of his constant pussiness all the time. He’d like drop a fork on the floor and be like “Oh I’m so sorry that I hurt you, I need to leave and be alone because I couldn’t protect you from seeing that fork hit the floor. But i love you more than anything in the world, if only i could breath so that I may count each inhale and exhale a blessing that I had breathed it by your side”
      and she’d say
      “I’m fucking the werewolf, Ed”

  13. Stuntcock Mike says :

    That “Twat-Light Moms” pic is stirring up my pants-region.

    Xi is right. Terminally unhappy TLMoms = MILE LONG CUNT BUFFETT.

  14. Hawaiian Organ Donor says :

    Looking at how excited those Twilight Moms are in that picture leads me to believe they are not being satisfied properly at home. You’re right Mike, maybe you and I should attend one of these screenings and stick our fingers up as much gash as humanly possible.

  15. just pillow talk says :

    Fuck…I can’t believe that twilight moms pic.

    WTF is the world coming to?

    They are certainly ripe to have their twilight reached if you are quite sympathetic to these shit movies.

    • kloipy says :

      Hey Pillow- one can only imagine their E-Harmony Profile
      SWDF seeking glittery teenager. Must have stalker like qualities. Please treat me like a used dish towel

  16. just pillow talk says :

    If you are one of their husbands, just chop your dick off and step in front of a bus.

    It’s over dudes…

  17. Stuntcock Mike says :

    From E-Harmony.

    “Hi, I’m Denise. Here’s what I need.

    You must be a Twilighter. Must also be into eating pre-menopausal cougar slash during my “monthly week of the bloody tang”. Over eighteeners and fans of good films need not apply.

    Oh, and no biting. My Husband is getting suspicious.

    C’mon, let’s fuck.
    -Denise”

  18. Stuntcock Mike says :

    Jesus! It exists?!!!

    http://www.twilightmoms.com/

    • kloipy says :

      what’s really scary Mike, is this from their website

      DID YOU THINK YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE whose life turned upside down when you read Twilight? Is your house a disaster with piles of piles of laundry in every corner and stacks of dirty dishes at record breaking heights? Have you imagined your husband is a vampire (or werewolf) and suddenly have the libido of newlywed again? Do you convince yourself that “cold cereal” makes a perfectly wholesome dinner? Is the pizza delivery boy now on your Christmas card list? Are your children free to run a muck as long as no one comes too you bleeding . . .(too badly)? Oh, you feel guilty, but that’s not enough! You still can’t tear yourself away from the book and damned be the consequences! The good new is- YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Fans of the Twilight Series in OUR STAGE of life (whether you’re a mom or not) now have a place where we can gather unashamed of our irrational obsession with vampires and werewolves. We have a place where “our kind” can relate without having to wade through all the teenage Internet code mumbo jumbo like “OMG!!! IMHO Edward is sooo Hawt!!!” (usually a dead giveaway that you should be doing your social studies homework for 3rd period instead of playing on the computer.) FYI, it was a group of 14/15 year olds that “changed” me. However, OUR world of balancing family, work, home, marriage AND…our Twilight obsession is unique, fun, and oh, so very humorous. The personal stories and experiences I’ve heard and read from women all over the world are a blast. YOU LADIES ROCK!!! …and “Twilight Moms” is dedicated to YOU!!! Enjoy this little corner of the Internet that is just for us.

      ~Lisa

  19. redfishybluefishy says :

    Oh crap! Great and hilarious review, kloipy! I think the only parts in the movie you didn’t mention that I laughed hysterically at were Edwards’ concave chest and ridiculous spray on abs and (my fave) the scene where the inept Bella crashes her dirt bike and Wolfboy gets half-naked just so he can dab her forehead with his shirt. At least his abs weren’t sprayed on, but still.
    These movies are hilarious. And the audience is priceless…. I was giggling and rolling my eyes while surrounded by sighing, gasping and ‘ooh-ing’ girls. It was definitely and experience only to be repeated once per movie. 😉
    And I must say I don’t see much difference between these movies and the ones for guys with gratuitous boobage…. except for the fact that the Twihard following takes it a little too seriously and is rather venomous when scorned.

    I will give one small kudos for the movie versions…the books are vile and the movies are actually BETTER, if only marginally.

  20. kloipy says :

    Thanks redfishybluefishy, you are dead on. I think they pretty much marketed this movie after that kids abs. They even make an appearance in the trailer for the next movie. I couldn’t imagine seeing one of these in the theater with it’s target audeince. Just seems like begging for a mob. They should do a version of this like The Purple Rose of Cairo, where Edwards comes down off the screen and goes away with one of the women, she’s ecstatic at first but tires quickly of his bullshit quickly and ends up making out with the local wino.

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