Leprechaun: The Saga Continues.

Top O’ the Morning to ye!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

I love these films. They make me happy on a lot of different levels, and I don’t want it to end on the sour note of Back 2 da Hood. The following are my hopes for the continuation of the series, and many of these are things we’ve already talked about. However, because I can’t remember who said what- consider you all thanked:

1) What Jarv really really doesn’t want to see volume 1: Lep v Chucky

Don Mancini strikes me as a reasonably good bloke- he took Frank’s ribbing over Child’s Play in his stride, and took the time out to reply to Frank. Therefore, this is a plea from the bottom of my heart: Don’t let them do this. Please god- Vs films always suck balls, and as much as I would like to see a supernatural midget war, this is a fundamentally terrible idea- they exist in totally different worlds, have totally different rules, and a mishmash of the two characters would be horrible. Keep the nefarious plastic bastard away from the psychotic Irish Midget and all will be good. And especially do NOT let those clowns that arseraped Alien v Predator anywhere near it.

Just get the Chucky musical made- you know we all want to see that.

2) What Jarv really, really,  doesn’t want to see volume 2: Return 2 Da Hood.

You’ve already fucked up the golden premise of Leprechaun in the Hood once, don’t return to the well. Just leave it well enough alone and we’ll continue to be friends. However, if you feel you must go back to it, this is my suggestion:

In the Hood ended with Postmaster P being massively successful and controlled by the leprechaun if you sequalise it this is what you do: It’s 15 years after Post has made it to the top and supernatural control is taking a toll on his appearance forcing him into increasingly more elaborate plastic surgery to cover up the damage. He is starting to break free from the Leprechaun’s control, so Warwick feeling that he’s losing his music industry pot of gold disguises himself as a 12 year old and pretends to have been molested by Post, before offing him in a dubious “overdose”. The second half of the film follows a behind the scenes “documentary” (which isn’t a heinous cash in or anything like that) called “This was it” where the Leprechaun is offing people in hilarious ways, before the film-makers eventually expose the little supernatural paddy and kill him. 

Aside from being rude about America’s favourite paedo, this scenario also offers the chance for some recreations of some of Suge Knight’s more extreme stories (the piranha tank leaping to mind).

3) What Jarv would like to see volume 1: The Good, The Bad and The Leprechaun

Hell Yeah! Leprechaun in Space already showed that the Lep does a mean John Wayne accent, so why not make a whole fucking western based loosely on the classic. A sheriff and a thief have discovered the location of the Leprechaun’s gold and are running across the wild west to get to it, being pursued by an angry Leprechaun. At the very least we’d get the comedy shot of a midget on a horse.

And seeing as Spaghetti Westerns tended to be shot in the mountains of Almeria, the Leprechaun can stop on the way from Ireland and wipe Portugal off the map.

4)What Jarv would like to see Volume 2: “150”

You know this is automatically funny- Lep in SPAAARTAAAA!

Xerxes is attacking Leonides’ city. The Leprechaun has discovered that Xerxes has a shit load of gold and wants it. Cue hilarity, killings, Elephants, and stolen loot.

5)What Jarv would like to see Volume 3: Leprechaun- the musical.

Fucking do it. Now. The idea is simple- make the wizard of oz, but with a midget cast as Dorothy, The Cowardly Kitten, The Tin Dwarf, and The Scaresparrow, They’re  trying to get to see the Leprechaun of Oz to kill him because he’s giving little people a bad name and also that will return them to their circus in Kansas. No witches etc, just the evil Leprechaun pitching up to torment them, and the munchkins played by normal sized people.

Now, altogether:

We’re off to see the Lep, the wonderful Lep of Oz,

Because, because, because, because, becaaaaaauuussseeee,

Because of the bastard things he does.

6) What Jarv would like to see Volume 4: Lep by Gaslight.

This is begging to be made: Lep the ripper. It’s also a good chance to return it to it’s horror roots, although I’d much rather it remained a comedy.

The time is during the Irish Potato famine. A starving paddy makes a break for England, but little does he know that he’s accidentally swiped the Leprechaun’s pot of gold. Once in London, he discovers the gold and blows the lot on Opium and hookers. Leprechaun discovers this, and is understandably pissed off- so goes to retrieve the gold, messily killing a few whores on the way, and more dealers, before getting killed himself through some outrageous deus ex machina.

 7) What Jarv would like to see Volume 5: Lep in Ancient Japan.

2 Words: Samurai. Monkeys.

Fuck the plot- this doesn’t have to make sense at all. I want to see Samurai Monkeys, preferably of the flying variety but I will accept grounded ones. And some midget martial arts.

————————————————————————————————————————-

Right, that will do for the way of suggestions, and this is really an excuse for a pisstaking Changback- so feel free to tell me I’m an idiot, or to add what you want below. I happen to know that there is a sequel currently in development, so don’t fuck it up, production dudes- and give me a review copy before release.

It’s been emotional,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

120 responses to “Leprechaun: The Saga Continues.”

  1. kloipy says :

    The Green Mile
    all these poor saps are full of malarky, just wait till they sit in good ole sparky!

  2. Droid says :

    Leprechaun Air

    A bunch of overacting “hardmen” escape from custody and take over their prison transport plane. Lep takes offense to this because he was looking forward to going to jail where he could have a limitless supply of scumbags to stab, so he sets about thwarting their nefarious plan.

  3. Droid says :

    Just in case it’s gone unnoticed…

    I’m pretty bored today.

  4. just pillow talk says :

    Shamrock Break

    Lep infiltrates a tight surfing group to find out who stole his lucky charms.

  5. Jarv says :

    Guiness time.

    hasta Manana

  6. just pillow talk says :

    If I had Guiness at work, the day would go by so much better…

    And also if I worked with a Leprechaun. Though there are some, we’ll call them ‘women’ for argument’s sake, who look like a Leprechaun.

  7. DocPazuzu says :

    Hey Jarv, being that you are the gentleman and Lep scholar we all know and admire, I can’t help but wonder if it’s a deliberate choice of yours to omit The Wick’s OTHER Lep effort, the heinous kiddie schlockfest, A Very Unlucky Leprechaun?

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0162035/

    Somehow I feel that we all need your input on this no doubt ghastly film.

  8. just pillow talk says :

    “The ending is a total delight.”

    Fuck, it sounds like you reviewed it already.

  9. Jarv says :

    This review really makes me want to see it:

    Oh dear god. I could not help but laugh at almost every scene. I felt bad because my cousin, who loves the movie, but is also mentally challenged, was getting rather angry at my uncontrollable laughter. It seems that every single person in this town, except for the leprechaun and the old man (Who seems to be a pedophile) is out to get this girl. The plot does not make sense. I could go on and on tearing apart this atrocious plot, but I have a life, and would like to not sit here for all eternity being a bully. The actress is horrendous ! Beyond horrible ! Kid actors are normally unpleasant, but not like this. Oh, and the leprechaun was the worst. It was without a doubt the worst movie ever made. I always ask myself after watching a movie like this, “who funds these horrible films ?”

    I suppose I should really, for completeness and also because I’ve got no qualms about being a bastard.

  10. kloipy says :

    All That Glitters Is Me Gold
    All this fine poetry is so full of farce
    but finding me gold is a pain in the arse

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