Kloipy’s seen The Lair of the White Worm
What the fuck? Seriously. What. The. Fuck. This movie first caught my attention as a young child going into a local video shop. The had the cardboard standup of the woman slinking out of the basket. It kind of creeped me out so I wanted to see it. I first saw this movie years ago and just watched it again. I can see where it gets its cult status but this movie is bad. It’s really bad.
It’s directed by Ken Russell (Altered States) based on a novel by Bram ‘I’ll only be remembered for Dracula’ Stoker. What’s it about, you might be asking? Well, shit, I don’t really know because stuff does happen in it but I don’t really see a point in this movie. At the beginning a guy (who I thought was Hugh Grant) finds a weird skull buried in the back yard. He does some investigating and finds out it’s related to the demi-god Dionin, who is the titular White Worm, we get to his titular Lair later on, but not before seeing some 80’s titulars. He and his girlfriends meet up with Hugh Grant, so I thought wow, they went with the Adaptation/Multiplicity angle on this one, very classy Kenneth. But later search on IMDB proved me wrong. They are two different people, what a let down.
Soon we meet some aristocratic woman, Lady Marsh who sneaks into the Bizarro Hugh’s house and steals the Dionin skull. As she’s leaving she hisses at a crucifix. Which makes about as much sense as punching your reflection in a cool mountain stream. So Bizarro’s girlfriend walks by the crucifix and falls into a state of religious blasphemy. Russell, like a creepy uncle taking us for ‘iced cream’, treats us to scenes of Roman Soldiers raping nuns, a blue skinned snake woman licking a stone dildo, and Jesus on the cross wrapped up by a really shitty snake puppet that looks like it came from an early episode of Sesame Street. This scene brought to you by the Superfluous Society.
Lady Marsh while driving back home comes upon a boy scout (apparently you can be in the boy scouts at 30) on his way back to his hostel (Oh Eli Roth, how you’ve ruined us all) and she seduces him by taking him home and playing a board game of Snakes and Ladders. She prances around in her underwear and goes to play some music, but like any boy scout, Kevin is prepared with his trusty harmonica. She starts to play and Lady Marsh starts to dance about like a community college adaptation of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. We see that she’s, holy shit, LIKE A SNAKE, who would have guessed that and also that this scene is something I believe is referred to as ‘foreshadowing’.
Anyway, the kid isn’t prepared enough because she bathes him and then woopsie, her fangs come out and she bites him on his no-no area. He’s paralyzed and she just drowns him after ranting about Dionin. Dionin is the real god, Dionin is incredible with a thirst that can’t be slate, Dionin saves a bunch of money on car insurance by not having legs or arms or the ability to drive a car. And so forth. We are treated to many scenes involving her description of Dionin and his supposed power. Though she is naked a good amount, so take that for what it’s worth i guess. What I don’t understand about worshipping this snake-god is that he doesn’t really seem to do anything other than require sacrifice. I guess he provides wealth somehow, but this also doesn’t make sense because A. He’s a snake/worm and B. He’s a puppet. Actually I do know of quite a few snakes working at AIG. Hardy har har.
So a whole bunch of nothing happens, Bizarro Hugh’s girlfriend gets captured by Lady Marsh, she’s a virgin so you know what’s in store for her. This all leads up to one of the most ridiculous endings in movie history, which is partially why I can recommend this movie, if only to see how terrible it gets. Bizarro goes to rescue his girlfriend and he does so in full Scottish attire, with kilt and bagpipe. I guess that racist subtext is that all Scottish people know how to play the bagpipe, like all Asian people supposedly know karate. He runs around for honestly 10 minutes luring the snakes and snake people. Once he makes it to the mansion, he takes something out from behind his back. Now we haven’t seen him carry a bag or anything so we must make the assumption that he’s been carrying this in his kilt the whole time. So I was shocked when he pulls out a mongoose. What! So did he catch this himself or go down to the local Pet ‘N Save and just ask for a mongoose? Are these regional animals or did he make a trip to Africa to procure one of these creatures. These are the in-depth questions posed by the film. Anyway, this mongoose gets killed in about 3.2 seconds by Lady Marsh (now naked and blue and now for some reason with armpit hair because most snakes are furry) and she bites BH on the leg. So he and one of the other girlfriends are taken to THE LAIR. To meet THE WHITE WORM. The first captured girl is hanging above a pit and out comes Lady Marsh, naked, armpit hair, and now wearing a strap-on stone dildo. She does some more monolouging and then it’s time Ladies and Gentlemen to meet Dionin!!! And when you see him, you will be disappointed! It’s just a larger puppet that threatens to extremely slowly make its way out of the pit. This thing is supposed to be a god and it can’t move over a 1 mile an hour? Somehow Bizarro Hugh has the ability to throw off his paralization in just the nick of time to cut off Lady Marshes arms to drop her into the pit, rescue his girlfriend, and then throw a fucking grenade into the Worm’s mouth. Who knew that kilts held such a treasure trove of items aside from sweaty balls? Bizarro Hugh’s Kantabulous Kiltporium in there.
Apparently I blinked my eyes because at some point BH had acquired an antivenom from the doctor and administered it to his girls and himself to stop him from turning into a snake-creature. But he calls the doctor and they inform him that it was, GASP, only arthritis medicine. How do you fuck that up? Those are completely different things, other than that they both start with A. So either someone needs to have a license revoked or they need a better filing system. So you know what’s coming. Bizarro Hugh meets up with Real Hugh and they go for a drive, and they make some joke about ‘Going out for a bite’, end of movie.
Apparently this movie was erotic back in the 80’s but if so, it doesn’t hold up today. And it is definitely not scary at all unless bad puppetry is a nightmare for you. I really don’t think you should waste your time on this one. It is campy and worth it just for the weirdness, but it’s mostly just good at being boring. But this was the coke-fueled 80’s when people liked naked weirdos and strap on stone dildos. Then again, some things never change.
This trailer is NSFW but will give you everything you need to know