Kloipy’s seen The Lair of the White Worm

What the fuck? Seriously. What. The. Fuck. This movie first caught my attention as a young child going into a local video shop. The had the cardboard standup of the woman slinking out of the basket. It kind of creeped me out so I wanted to see it. I first saw this movie years ago and just watched it again. I can see where it gets its cult status but this movie is bad. It’s really bad.

It’s directed by Ken Russell (Altered States) based on a novel by Bram ‘I’ll only be remembered for Dracula’ Stoker. What’s it about, you might be asking? Well, shit, I don’t really know because stuff does happen in it but I don’t really see a point in this movie. At the beginning a guy (who I thought was Hugh Grant) finds a  weird skull buried in the back yard. He does some investigating and finds out it’s related to the demi-god Dionin, who is the titular White Worm, we get to his titular Lair later on, but not before seeing some 80’s titulars. He and his girlfriends meet up with Hugh Grant, so I thought wow, they went with the Adaptation/Multiplicity angle on this one, very classy Kenneth. But later search on IMDB proved me wrong. They are two different people, what a let down.

Soon we meet some aristocratic woman, Lady Marsh who sneaks into the Bizarro Hugh’s house and steals the Dionin skull. As she’s leaving she hisses at a crucifix. Which makes about as much sense as punching your reflection in a cool mountain stream. So Bizarro’s girlfriend walks by the crucifix and falls into a state of religious blasphemy. Russell, like a creepy uncle taking us for ‘iced cream’, treats us to scenes of Roman Soldiers raping nuns, a blue skinned snake woman licking a stone dildo, and Jesus on the cross wrapped up by a really shitty snake puppet that looks like it came from an early episode of Sesame Street. This scene brought to you by the Superfluous Society.

Lady Marsh while driving back home comes upon a boy scout (apparently you can be in the boy scouts at 30) on his way back to his hostel (Oh Eli Roth, how you’ve ruined us all) and she seduces him by taking him home and playing a board game of Snakes and  Ladders. She prances around in her underwear and goes to play some music, but like any boy scout, Kevin is prepared with his trusty harmonica. She starts to play and Lady Marsh starts to dance about like a community college adaptation of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. We see that she’s, holy shit, LIKE A SNAKE, who would have guessed that and also that this scene is something I believe is referred to as ‘foreshadowing’.

Anyway, the kid isn’t prepared enough because she bathes him and then woopsie, her fangs come out and she bites him on his no-no area. He’s paralyzed and she just drowns him after ranting about Dionin. Dionin is the real god, Dionin is incredible with a thirst that can’t be slate, Dionin saves a bunch of money on car insurance by not having legs or arms or the ability to drive a car. And so forth. We are treated to many scenes involving her description of Dionin and his supposed power. Though she is naked a good amount, so take that for what it’s worth i guess. What I don’t understand about worshipping this snake-god is that he doesn’t really seem to do anything other than require sacrifice. I guess he provides wealth somehow, but this also doesn’t make sense because A. He’s a snake/worm and B. He’s a puppet. Actually I do know of quite a few snakes working at AIG. Hardy har har.

So a whole bunch of nothing happens, Bizarro Hugh’s girlfriend gets captured by Lady Marsh, she’s a virgin so you know what’s in store for her. This all leads up to one of the most ridiculous endings in movie history, which is partially why I can recommend this movie, if only to see how terrible it gets. Bizarro goes to rescue his girlfriend and he does so in full Scottish attire, with kilt and bagpipe. I guess that racist subtext is that all Scottish people know how to play the bagpipe, like all Asian people supposedly know karate. He runs around for honestly 10 minutes luring the snakes and snake people. Once he makes it to the mansion, he takes something out from behind his back. Now we haven’t seen him carry a bag or anything so we must make the assumption that he’s been carrying this in his kilt the whole time. So I was shocked when he pulls out a mongoose. What! So did he catch this himself or go down to the local Pet ‘N Save and just ask for a mongoose? Are these regional animals or did he make a trip to Africa to procure one of these creatures. These are the in-depth questions posed by the film. Anyway, this mongoose gets killed in about 3.2 seconds by Lady Marsh (now naked and blue and now for some reason with armpit hair because most snakes are furry) and she bites BH on the leg. So he and one of the other girlfriends are taken to THE LAIR. To meet THE WHITE WORM. The first captured girl is hanging above a pit and out comes Lady Marsh, naked, armpit hair, and now wearing a strap-on stone dildo. She does some more monolouging and then it’s time Ladies and Gentlemen to meet Dionin!!! And when you see him, you will be disappointed! It’s just a larger puppet that threatens to extremely slowly make its way out of the pit. This thing is supposed to be a god and it can’t move over a 1 mile an hour? Somehow Bizarro Hugh has the ability to throw off his paralization in just the nick of time to cut off Lady Marshes arms to drop her into the pit, rescue his girlfriend, and then throw a fucking grenade into the Worm’s mouth. Who knew that kilts held such a treasure trove of items aside from sweaty balls? Bizarro Hugh’s Kantabulous Kiltporium in there.

Apparently I blinked my eyes because at some point BH had acquired an antivenom from the doctor and administered it to his girls and himself to stop him from turning into a snake-creature. But he calls the doctor and they inform him that it was, GASP, only arthritis medicine. How do you fuck that up? Those are completely different things, other than that they both start with A. So either someone needs to have a license revoked or they need a better filing system. So you know what’s coming. Bizarro Hugh meets up with Real Hugh and they go for a drive, and they make some joke about ‘Going out for a bite’, end of movie.

Apparently this movie was erotic back in the 80’s but if so, it doesn’t hold up today. And it is definitely not scary at all unless bad puppetry is a nightmare for you. I really don’t think you should waste your time on this one. It is campy and worth it just for the weirdness, but it’s mostly just good at being boring. But  this was the coke-fueled 80’s when people liked naked weirdos and strap on stone dildos. Then again, some things never change.


This trailer is NSFW but will give you everything you need to know


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About kloipy

a poor deluded sap hoping to find his place in this mixed up crazy world

72 responses to “Kloipy’s seen The Lair of the White Worm”

  1. Jarv says :

    Soon we meet some aristocratic woman, Lady Marsh who sneaks into the Bizarro Hugh’s house and steals the Dionin skull. As she’s leaving she hisses at a crucifix. Which makes about as much sense as punching your reflection in a cool mountain stream. So Bizarro’s girlfriend walks by the crucifix and falls into a state of religious blasphemy. Russell, like a creepy uncle taking us for ‘iced cream’, treats us to scenes of Roman Soldiers raping nuns, a blue skinned snake woman licking a stone dildo, and Jesus on the cross wrapped up by a really shitty snake puppet that looks like it came from an early episode of Sesame Street. This scene brought to you by the Superfluous Society.

    Sounds about par for the course for Russel

  2. kloipy says :

    LOL Jarv, he sure does love his weird religious shit. This isn’t as bad as The Devils but Ken still had to have his way

    • Jarv says :

      I’ve never seen this, or the one about Byron (which I’ve forgotten what it’s called) because of a lingering Russell fear bought on by The Devils and The Music Lovers.

      Dude is fucked up- and he just does shit for the sake of it.

      Funny review- just one correction. He keeps his grenades in his sporran (that weird purse thing that hangs on the front of kilts). Can’t help about the mongoose though.

      • Continentalop says :

        Go you mean Gothic? The one about Mary Shelly, her husband, Lord Byron and the guy who would go on to write The Vampire with Lord Ruthven.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s the one. Is it any good?

      • Continentalop says :

        Short answer: no.

        Long answer: Fuck no.

        Will Smith answer: Hell no.

      • Jarv says :

        Didn’t think so.

        Russell is completely overrated and actually kind of shit. But shit in a really gratuitous and unnecessary manner.

      • koutchboom says :

        I still like Tommy.

      • spud mcspud says :

        You know what’s really weird about GOTHIC? I did a couple of scenes from it for GCSE Drama back in 1990, specifically the seance scene and a couple of others, and it worked REALLY well as a stage piece. Well, that one scene did.

        I really WANT to love Ken russell’s stuff. I live in Derbyshire, and he’s filmed loads of stuff round here (Lair of the White Worm was filmed in the Peak District, and Women In Love was partly filmed at Elvaston Castle near Derby), and he even cast my Dad as a speaking extra in WOMEN IN LOVE back in 1968 – which, God rest him, my old man missed for a date (who didn’t even turn out to be my Mum – he binned this chick a week later!) – and his movies, like THE DEVILS, are just full of rampantly sexual overtly religious lunacy. But, much like Michael Winner, Ken Russell’s stuff, when viewed objectively, is horseshit, and not the kind you can grow roses with.

        Still, I do loves me some GOTHIC. A good tale, just really weirdly told. LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM is a real mess, though.

  3. Jarv says :

    Good to see you back, by the way.

  4. kloipy says :

    thanks man, it’s been so hectic at home lately and life always seems to throw curveballs but I’m trying 🙂
    I did forget about the sporran, I should have remembered that as my dad went through a period of competing in the highland games, in america, LOL

  5. kloipy says :

    for some reason it’s a pretty big thing over here. I think most americans who do it want to get ‘back to their roots’ so wearing kilts and tossing cabers is one way to do that I guess. When I went to Scotland, no one talked about it and the only people I saw in kilts were the guards. American’s like to pretend a lot. Hence our many Colonial Villages

    • Jarv says :

      Or alternatively on Rugby watching duty. That inexplicably requires kilt wearing.

      • kloipy says :

        The problem with America is that their basic assumption of other countries comes from tv or movies that don’t actually represent real life in said countries.

      • Jarv says :

        Ha!

        That’s just one of many problems with America.

        *pokes Americans with stick*

      • just pillow talk says :

        Luckily, we have a lot of fat on us, so your stick poking went unnoticed.

        Take that cunt!

  6. kloipy says :

    we have potential for good in us, but most of our country is interested more in the results of American Idol than it is in the country it lives in

    • Jarv says :

      Sad but true- if it’s any consolation a lot of the world is like that.

      The thing I find amazing about America is the amount of people that don’t own a passport- the assumption clearly being that there is nothing outside of the USA worth seeing. You think curiousity would be a factor.

    • just pillow talk says :

      Damn straight!

  7. kloipy says :

    Not only that Jarv, but I have relatives who haven’t even been out of the state! How is that possible? We live only an hour from the border of our state

    • Jarv says :

      Really?

      Wow- that’s insular.

      Mind you, I’d imagine countries like Spain would be ecstatic if our chav population were that insular and wanted to go to Skegness for their holidays.

      • kloipy says :

        LOL i think the deal in america is the fact that most people in the smaller population areas are sort of afraid of leaving their comfort zone and only want to see what is known to them.

    • M. Blitz says :

      In South Philly I had neighbors who did everything they could to prevent having to go above Washington Ave., as a point of neighborhood pride (though they weren’t opposed to periodically taking the casino bus, but that’s special circumstances you know).

      • kloipy says :

        Yeah, I reside in the Keystone State, so I’m sure you’ve run into central PA people and their amazing ways

      • Jarv says :

        I refuse to go “South of the river” unless I absolutely have to.

      • Jarv says :

        Mind you, that’s more down to crap public transport than anything else

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah its weird before I lived over seas I really had NOOOO fucking clue/idea that there was anything outside of america, granted I was still a kid. But when I finally lived back in America I ran into that same kid, except he was 18 years old now and asking me a lot of fucking annoying questions.

  8. M. Blitz says :

    I was obsessed with this movie when I was a kid, from seeing the cover at the video store, and because my Dad rented it (shortly before moving out) and insisted on watching it alone even though he said it was good/weird.

    Eventually saw it when I was a teenager, but I was a teenager and so was probably busy making out with someone rather than actually paying attention. Oh well!

    • kloipy says :

      i know Blitz, what is up with that poster/cover being so hypnotic? I can tell you that you didn’t miss much haha

  9. koutchboom says :

    Hahahah this movie stars Peter Capaldi, Englands new it guy thanks to In the Loop.

  10. koutchboom says :

    kloipy you know you can embed that trailer, you want me to?

  11. kloipy says :

    sure thing Koutch, much appreciated!

  12. Jarv says :

    Yikes.

    Careful guys- that’s NSFW.

    And he does look like Hugh Grant

    • kloipy says :

      Yeah, I’m suprised that link is still up on Youtube. And it very distracting how much he looks like Hugh, just with poofy hair

      • Jarv says :

        And it very distracting how much he looks like Hugh, just with poofy hair

        Hugh Grant is the king of metrosexual hair.

        The nonce.

      • spud mcspud says :

        You have no idea how much I want to slap Hugh Grant like the bitch he clearly is. That fucker needs bitchslapping like no motherfucker on Earth. God… what a fucking IRRITANT.

        And he binned Elizabeth Hurley. Fucking ingrate.

  13. Continentalop says :

    I used to always think Hugh Grant and Richard Grant were related.
    They’re not, right?

    • Jarv says :

      Nope.

      Richard E Grant is not British.

    • koutchboom says :

      Seriously Conti, though I haven’t seen it in forever and you can’t find it anywhere. Richard E. Grant was in a really good thriller called The Cold Light of Day. I think you would like. I need to hunt it down.

      • Continentalop says :

        You know what Richard E. Grant is really good in? The TV version of the Scarlet Pimpernel.

  14. kloipy says :

    Wow, Jarv, Pillow, and I all here at the same time? What is this like 2 years ago hahaha. Now if Abom stopped in that would be strange

  15. kloipy says :

    Seriously Frank, seeing someone painted blue, topless, snake fangs, armpit hair, and then coming out with a strap on stone dildo is a very surreal experience. But alas, as you said, this film is not very memorable

  16. xiphos0311 says :

    being that there is nothing outside of the USA worth seeing

    because there isn’t.

    Pokes Jarv with a mighty American Oak.

  17. xiphos0311 says :

    The main reason this movie sucks is that I rented because I thought it was based on an RE Howard story and instead I got this mess, assholes. To make matters worse I have rented it twice thinking the same thing, so I’m an asshole.

    • kloipy says :

      Xi that sucks you got it twice. I had similar situations involving Kurt Vonneguts novel Hocus Pocus, every time i was looking for it at a book store, someone would inverably ask if i wanted that bette midler movie or whatever it was, rendering me a fool

  18. Tom_Bando says :

    I remember that Tawny Kitaen was in this wasn’t she? it sounded AWFUL. Avoid at all costs of course. No thanks, do. not. Want.

  19. herrmilflover says :

    Everything you say in your review makes this movie sound truly horrible, but then the song in the trailer make it seem like awesome on a golden platter!
    Okay, not really.
    Is this movie taking itself seriously at all? Because that trailer make it look like some ridiculous horror spoof.

    • kloipy says :

      the song admittably is cool, and I know some people see this as a quasi comedy, but I think most humor (which is VERY little) is unintentional. It’s just campy. But it’s BORING

  20. koutchboom says :

    That trailer was pretty sweet.

  21. Nostalgia says :

    i was swallowed alive by a gigantic snake during a riitual sacrifice 2,000 years ago in one of my past lives.

    • kloipy says :

      hopefully Nostalgia, no stone dildos were involved in that sacrifice

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay…..

      I’m hoping you’re just goofing here, because if not, I want you to stand where I can see you at all times Nostalgia.

      • kloipy says :

        Xi, check out his website. i don’t think he’s kidding

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Well that was sad conspiratard nonsense. obviously he’s a Coast to Coast Am aficionado. People who believe in conspiracy crap like that are truly dumb.

        Now I’m wondering if that was dude is AICN poster and resident conspiracy monger Media Messiah they sound a lot alike.

      • spud mcspud says :

        AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

        No seriously… THAT was fucking hilarious!!

        And I love Art Bell and all that shit – funny as fuck. I used to enjoy Rense.com before his anti-Semitism just got way too rank for me. He’s more of a hate site and less of a conspiracy site every day now.

        Here’s a humdinger for believers in reincarnation: how do you square the idea that the population of the world is INCREASING? Where do all the new souls come from, if the afterlife is just a loads of souls being recycled??

        And no, THE SEVENTH SIGN starring Demi Moore does NOT have a satisfying answer to that…

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Spud,

        Coast to Coast AM isn’t nearly as fun anymore with George Noory at the mic in my opinion. With Art Bell you always had the PT Barnum aspect running wild but with Noory he truly believes in all that nonsense. Plus they have been getting really boring serious guest and hardly ever get any wack a doodles like Bell got for guests.

        It’s too bad the show changed so much because the Art Bell version of CTCAM was an entertaining diversion if you were up late at night in the States.

        About the reincarnation question I’ve heard the answer before it’s becasue there are MORE souls waiting for bodies then there are bodies so to ease the back log birthrates have been increased. It’s No shit I heard that and it makes no sense. Theoretically it should be a 1 for 1 exchange, so how did the back log happen in the first place?

      • kloipy says :

        thank god I’m not the only CToC fan out there. BUt you are right Xi. Bell was the best on that show. George isn’t terrible, but he isn’t Art Bell. I liked to picture them in a bunker underneath the ground in the desert somewhere

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Kloipy,

        I very rarely listen to CtCAM anymore, Noory really puts me off. If I tune in it’s usually for a specific topic only.

        I miss Art Bell his dog and pony act was hilarious and the idiots really thought he was one of them but it was so obvious he was there to collect a paycheck.

        With Noory, who believes anything a guest tell him, the show lost all of entertainment value for me.

  22. Tom_Bando says :

    Media Messiah-very scary dude.

  23. D.Vader says :

    I just want to say good luck; we’re all counting on you.

    And, I miss you guys.

  24. D.Vader says :

    And once again, no one is here when I’m about. Damn.

  25. kloipy says :

    Droid gets Don Murphy
    I get The King of the Lizard People

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