Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Black Cat

Miss, let me give you some advice, don’t go down there anymore

Jarv’s Rating: for a change, with a Shameless film, this is complete shit and as I am pig sick of this it isn’t getting a single chang.

The Black Cat is a crap film. As a result, I’m going to be extremely rude about it. It’s an abominable pile of garbage and sitting through it has, and there’s  no real sugar-coating this one, put me in a right cunt of a mood. I actually like low rent films and watching this shit is starting to make me hate them.

This is another sub-par effort from Italian talent vacuum Fulci. It is also the last Fulci film that I’m going to inflict on myself. There’s only so much irritation and boredom I can take, and the useless Italian degenerate has exceeded my very, very high tolerance for garbage. It’s just tiring, boring and annoying and I can’t for the life of me understand how or why he’s managed to get a fan base. This is just utter shite. Shameless are trying to pass Fulci off as being considered to be on a par with Hitchcock in France. This is bullshit, clearly. Or else the French are even more unspeakably dimwitted than I previously thought. One of those two options. There is no alternative, and they can’t possibly be right.

Oooh scary. I don't think.

The Black Cat is based on the Edgar Allen Poe story, except with all horror, tension or interest sucked out of it. It follows the supernatural goings on in a small English village where a small feline asshat is killing the town’s population because he’s acting on the subconscious orders of a local lunatic with magic powers.

The acting in this is shit. Patrick Magee completely overdoes it, but at least he’s awake, Mimsy Farmer is catatonic as alleged American Jill. I say alleged, because she doesn’t even bother attempting an accent. There’s other people who should know better also slumming it in this toss, but the kindest thing I can do is not name them here.

The score is another inexplicable and inappropriate effort, the special effects are again worse than you would see in a school play, the script is fucking dire and it makes not a smidgen of sense.  The death scenes themselves are messy without being interesting, the romance scenes are cliched drivel, and the plot relies upon an utterly incomprehensible mechanism, However, as shit as all that is, that isn’t what pisses me off.

What pisses me off, and it really pisses me off, is also why I’m not watching another Fulci film. Has there ever been a less talented clown make films than this cunt? The only thing that is remotely redeeming about him is that he has a remarkable dedication to gratuitous tit shots. And that isn’t enough to make me forgive his propensity for ridiculous and tiresome close-ups of the cast. And when I say close up, I mean so close to their fucking eyes that you can see through their empty fucking heads and read the label off the back of their clothing. This is boring and irritating when he does it with humans, but here one of the principal characters is a FUCKING CAT! Do I need loving close up after loving close up of a fucking cat’s eyes? Is it going to fucking act or something? What makes it completely unforgivable is that the incompetent cunt clearly forgot that he was filming more than one cat, and the close-ups give you a perfect chance to see that they’re different fucking animals, Fulci you useless, talentless bag of cocks.


I’ve written far more about this film than it deserves, but I’m not done yet. There’s a scene where the cat is chasing one of its victims. He bars himself in a room and runs over to the corner. The cat comes up the stairs and hops on the bar on the other side of the door to unblock it- my temper completely snapped at this and I actually shouted “For fuck’s sake, it’s a fucking cat, just put your weight on the other side of the fucking bar”. I mean, really, what the fuck? They aren’t exactly the biggest and most menacing of animals, just kick the fucker.

Overall, would I recommend this film? Fuck no, this is a disgrace to celluloid and a complete waste of time for all involved. I’m going to hand out a piece of free advice to whoever is working in the licensing department at Shameless:

Guys, I used to do this for a Record Label and so I know how it works. You get this crap very cheap and it’s easy to do the license for. I suggest, for your own good, that you actually try to watch this shit before you go to the bother of organising the contracts, as I can assure you that even if they’re paying you to distribute these films there is nobody on the fucking planet that would want to pay to see this shit. Stop it. Enough is enough- grow some quality control.

I am now done with this shit professionally aside from The Rat Man or whatever it was called that you are billing as “The Critter from the Shitter” and looks mint.

Until next time,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

20 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Black Cat”

  1. Droid says :

    Yet another in the long line of shit I’ve never heard of. It will now go in the growing pile of films reviewed by Jarv that I’ll never see.

    Funny review though.

    • Jarv says :

      I was in a properly shitty mood when I wrote it yesterday,

      I’d really enjoyd Fierce People, and this pissed me off something fierce.

  2. Continentalop says :

    Jarv, I’ve learned a hard lesson about Italian exploitation cinema: Italian horror movies always suck; their giallo thrillers usually suck; Spaghetti Westerns are hit or miss; and only the Italian policer – poliziotteschi – are on average good or watchable.

    • Jarv says :

      I was unaware of quite how high the suckage was.

      Fulci is meant to be one of the masters- and the two I’ve seen recently are beyond terrible.

  3. Jarv says :

    Does he have his eye obsession in every one, Frank?

    I swear that I’m never watching another one- but I’m curious to know.

    Also, I suspected he was closer to the Boll-meister than Hitch, and it’s good to see you confirm it.

    Lying cunts at Shameless.

    • Droid says :

      Leo Fulci is to eyes as Rick Jacobson is to boobs.

    • Droid says :

      Nice one. I’m interested to find out if it’s any good.

    • Jarv says :

      It was bad in Manhatten Baby, but it’s fucking terrible in this- one of them is a FUCKING CAT for the love of god!

      Millions of close up’s of a fucking cat’s eyes and they keep forgetting which cat they filmed last time so they go from close up of cat with Yellow eyes, to close up of guy being torn apart by flying cat, to close up of cat with green eyes. Unless cats eyes change colour (which I doubt).

      I can see why Shameless bought this and Manhatten Baby, but they’re both such utter toss that I can’t believe even fans of the zombie films would want to see them

    • Jarv says :

      Or Tarantino is to feet.

      I’d go with that one.

  4. Lordbronco says :

    That’s it I’m calling the aspca because of your vile cat rant. Expect the American invasion forces fortwith. Yours, mr. Lb

  5. M. Blitz says :

    That bit about the guy barring himself in the room and the cat hopping up on the bar is fucking hilarious. Seriously.

    Also, liking the cat boob. Very nice.

  6. Continentalop says :

    Jarv, if you think Fulci is bad watch some Joe D’Amato. Especially Anthropophagus, aka the Grim Reaper. Sweet Jesus.

  7. xiphos0311 says :

    the French are even more unspeakably dimwitted than I previously thought.

    You can never over estimate the ability of the French to be dimwitted, it can’t be done.

    • Continentalop says :

      Xi, I know you hate the Frogs, but do yourself a favor and go see A Prophet (Un prophete) if you get a chance.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        I don’t hate the french, I just have zero use for the perfidious bastards and I’m going to dance a jig of joy when the Islamalists burn the country down.

        I do however HATE The French Foreign Legion, an organization so incompetent and inept, that they make the US Navy look like a capable force, and that’s hard to do

      • Tom_Bando says :

        Who ya kiddin’ Xiphos-you dress up as Louis XIV for Mardi Gras, purple knickers, frillies, 4 foot ringlets and all.

        And you celebrate the battle of Rocroi (1643) w/ the rest of Languedoc Province. Silly American.

  8. Tom_Bando says :

    Jarv ya gotta go All The Way and review the Corpse Grinders ’71. You will NOT thank me but it’s just something you jest have to do.

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