Since I’m a useless cripple at the moment(not any more I was at the time I wrote this) I’ve gotten around to seeing some movies, I thought I would roll out the second installment of the mini-review. All of these movies have been out for a while so there’s no need to go in-depth with them. I know I’m going to piss a lot of people off with this one, especially the first two, but c’est la vie and que sera sera.
AVATARD: Go suck a dick Cameron, you condescending cock bag. I realize I’m in the minority here thinking that Avatard isn’t that good. (Except for Frank that is. That monkey is one right thinking simian.) Cameron your space Smurf war movie is in the words of former NBA player and current TNT studio host Charles Barkley, “turrible, just turrible.”
‘Nuff said about the junky, racist, bone headedly stupid Gaia worshiping smurf war opus you prick. I hope one of your carbon spewing private jets crashes or one of your oil spewing tubs sink you fucking hypocrite. One other point, jerk off, if you make another movie, relearn how to write a STORY and to create real CHARACTERS. Also you arrogant shit bag if it isn’t to much trouble could you stop ripping yourself off you unoriginal hack? Marines versus Space Smurfs in Ferngullyville was much better when it was called Aliens.
The Crap Locker: Mark Boal (henceforth referred to as Bowel) Motherfucker you bought every single wolf ticket those ignorant, evil, peasants from fly over country sold you, didn’t you dumb ass? I got you now cocksucker. I know who and what you are Bowel, you’re like every other scumbag lying piece of shit “journalist” that spent maybe an hour with the “troops” between the late seating for breakfast and the early bar opening in the Green Zone. •YOU•MAKE•THINGS•UP• If, in fact, you spent any time with EOD personnel you didn’t see anything like what you wrote. You have a SSGT who is a section leader for an EOD team that blows off safety SOP and regs . Fuck that noise. Even in the loosey goosey, ill-disciplined rabble that are line units of the US Army YOU NEVER SAW THAT. Not from an EOD member and not from a SSGT. Also, what the fuck was with the Ranger Battalion Scroll on Renner’s right shoulder but no Ranger Tab on the left? Did they change the rules since I left?
I’m not religious Bowels but I’m going to go to every Church, Synagogue, Mosque, Santeria ritual, Voodoo ceremony, Snake handling church, sacred pagan grove, witches coven and any other religious site I can find and pray that you get cancer of both the prick and the ass but don’t die for 40 years. I want you living in intense pain for what you have done. The lowest rung of hell is waiting for you when you die. I devoutly hope Dante is right about what it is.
UPDATE:(The upper part of this was written weeks ago) I have been informed by reliable sources that Bowels went on some morning TV show and copped to the fact that he never saw anything like what he wrote. Lying fucking scumbag and fuck the studio for their shit headed PR campaign, fuck off and go make your blood money off somebody else.
Sherlock Holmes: Surprisingly decent movie, I enjoyed it and it was fairly faithful to the spirit of the books which I appreciated. I have to say I’m shocked that I liked the movie because Guy Ritchie’s track record for me isn’t good. I liked Snatch and that was it. Ritchie mostly avoided the tics and flourishes that mark his movies and played it fairly straight.
They finally got Watson right on film, which made me happy, that poor bastard has been short shifted in movies forever. Downey nailed the essence of Sherlock Holmes from the books although I wonder about his accent. For some reason most of my English friends are north countrymen with heavy accents or from the coasts so my ability to judge the quality of “London/educated” English accents isn’t good. I only know one upper crusty type (royal and a Sandhurst graduate) so his accent is so refined it goes the other way. The other problem I had was understanding Downey on occasion he mumbled and spoke quickly. Although that issue might be due to the theater I saw it in the sound system sucked.
The story is sort of convoluted but so are the books. In the movie’s defense, they drop you in without the benefit of an origin story for which I thank the writer. If you want an origin story go rent the wonderful Young Sherlock Holmes. The action scenes were well staged and even though it’s heavily CGI I didn’t mind it like I usually do. All in all, it’s pretty good and I bet the sequel will be even better.
The Book of Eli: Excellent movie, I mean outstanding I’m still thinking about it. The Hughes brothers did good this time out and I’ve never been impressed by them until now. This is a thinking man’s movie with some great action. Don’t be fooled though this not an action movie. The reason for Eli’s trek could be supernatural intervention or insanity. The religious ideas are on both the intellectual and faith based sides of the arguments, which I find interesting. Even though I’m not religious, I find the concept/history/arguments of/about religion interesting and this movie explored some of that territory.
Denzel turned in one of his better performances as of late and let’s be honest, he’s been mailing it in for a while. Everybody did good in this. Gary Oldman was at his scenery chewing bad guy best, Ray Stevens turned in a nuanced acting job for what could have been a throw away role. Lastly, Mila Kunis is becoming one fine actress. She stood out among all the excellent actors involved in the movie.
The action was shot well and is easily followed. I loved the look of the movie and the “twist”, which is a word I hesitate to use, is handled well (take note Shammy) and works well in the context of the story. I highly recommend this movie if you have not seen it.
That’s the mini-review for this time out. It’s 50/50, half good, half sucktastic.