Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Embodiment of Evil

“The system trapped me… the same system which is releasing me. There’s nothing you can do about it.”

Jarv’s rating: 1 Changs. I fucking hate torture porn

Christ on a moped. Where to begin?

This film is, apparently, important. It’s got a glowing review at Twitchfilm (a usually reliable source for non-English language movies) and also a surprisingly high rating on IMDB. However, ignore that, and listen to me.

They’re completely wrong. This is, in fact, a truly repellent, festering, revolting, unburied corpse of a film and I’m the motherfucker with the shovel and the lime pit.

As far as I can tell, and the internet helps me a touch here- back in the 60’s this disgusting old cunt called José Mojica Marins made 2 films on absolutely no budget, starring the vainglorious cunt himself,  about this old Satanist cunt called “Coffin Joe” (the only amusing thing about this film). Joe is/ was a repellent sleazy old cunt that had made some kind of Faustian pact and was therefore in league with the devil. His entire plan, from what I gather, was to make women fuck him so that he could spawn a new generation of evil into Brazil. This is, in itself, not a particularly bad plan. Unfortunately, Joe happens to be a cunt.

The women, because they were apparently horror films, had to undergo a gruelling series of trials to prove themselves fit to receive Joe’s seed. Rats, spiders, grotesque torture and probably extreme boredom were all weapons in Joe’s arsenal. Quite why you would subject the perfect woman to this is completely lost on me, but hey, the old fucker did. Anyhow, the second film ended with him being rightfully incarcerated for being a disgusting old degenerate sociopath.

Fuck this film. I almost cannot be arsed to go on with this, except for the fact that I have actually watched it, and I think it may be therapeutic to share it with the class.

Anyhoo, Joe (the dick) wisely took a break from his Coffin Joe series. For 40 years. Yet, in 2008 some stupid prick gave him a budget and told him to revisit past glories. What we have here is the direct result of the silly cunt that signed the cheque’s stupidity and the obscene vanity of the man that made the film.

I suppose that I do have to give a synopsis of the plot. I’d rather not, but this would be disingenuous horseshit if I didn’t. Coffin Joe is an old cunt in Sao Paulo nick. He’s served 40 years for rape and murder and is due to be released. Unfortunately, the rehabilitation process in Brazilian slammers is clearly not up to much, so the fucker gets collected by his Igor (the cunt even has a hunchback) and sets out back on his old ways: gathering hot women, torturing them, then failing to have sex with them. This time out though, there’s some police cunt, and a catholic priest with a penchant for electrocuting his own nipples that’s out to stop Joe. They do manage to waste Joe’s degenerate ass, but one of the women takes the time out to fuck his corpse. Quite why they thought this was a good idea,  I don’t know, but she does it.

This film is basically shit for a few reasons (and not entertaining shit). Firstly, it’s a confusing clusterfuck of a film. It lurches around, like a drunken slag in a nightclub, just looking for something to puke on. Shit just happens for no apparent reason, then it lurches back to a fucking mind-numbing monologue from Joe himself. There was more than one occasion when I was stuck thinking “I’m sure I’ve missed something here”.

Secondly, this film is torture porn. I fucking detest torture porn. It’s a loathsome, lazy, talentless, inept, despicable *inserts adjectives* way to make a horror film. There’s nothing talented in making the audience puke- there is in making them scared, because that is managing to elicit an emotional response, but in making me wince? I wince on “Funniest home videos” when mongoloids inexplicably manage to slam their bollocks into railings/fridges/ car doors/ whatever, but that doesn’t mean I’m scared by it.

In this “effort” the two standout scenes are Joe’s satanic hallucination (which involves a woman sewing her own lips shut) and the truly repellent sequence where a woman eats her own ass.

I’m not joking, and it sounds much funnier than it actually is, but she eats her own buttock.This is one of the most unpleasant things I’ve seen in a long time.

I could kind of deal with the torture if there was anything else of value in the film. There isn’t: the script is shit, the direction is narcissistic, the score is a horrible cacophony, and the acting is atrocious.

Fuck me. Why do people make this shit?

Anyway, if it’s that bad, why is it not a zero chang film? well, it gets one solitary chang for Joe himself. He’s a ridiculous freak with mutant fingernails, a severe attitude problem and a frankly daft wardrobe. For the first 20 minutes, I have to say that I was entertained by his cretinous antics. Then the film found second gear and that was that. The sole chang is for Joe.

Overall, would I recommend this film. No. I would not. It’s crap, and worse than that it’s torture porn crap. I can, actually, see why it took 40 years between films, because I think that’s how long it is going to take me to forget it. This is a nasty film and although I haven’t seen the 60’s efforts, it really has put me off. Especially when I consider that this is probably the film the fucker would have made if someone had given him the budget back then,

Truly woeful.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

41 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Embodiment of Evil”

  1. Jarv says :

    I’ve actually been nice about this here as well.

  2. Droid says :

    Fuck me you watch some horseshit.

    I preferred my life when I didn’t know this existed.

  3. jarv says :

    I’ve been watching a lot of south american stuff recently. I was bound to get a dog sooner or later.

    This fucker may as well be called fido

  4. jarv says :

    I forgot to mention, not that it makes any difference: there’s a shit load of nudity in this

  5. Continentalop says :

    Nudity makes a big difference.

  6. Continentalop says :

    But Droid has a point – you sure watch a lot of crap.

    Why do you intentionally subject yourself to such shit? Are you trying to make penance for some sort of past sins that we don’t know about? I would imagine just flailing yourself would be quicker and less painful…

    • Jarv says :

      Well, in my defence- it does have a glowing review at Twitch and a 6.something rating at IMDB- which is strangely high for a horror. Not to mention that it’s Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes and has good reviews from critics that should know better on places like The Guardian.

      • Droid says :

        And Golden Globe winner Sandra Bollocks is nominated for an Acadamy Award for ‘The Blind Side’.

        Trust your gut.

        Unless your gut is telling you to watch a film called Embodiment of Evil. Then punch your gut repeatedly.

      • Jarv says :

        I know. I should know better than that, but it has an entertaining cover and the trailer completely missold it.

      • Continentalop says :

        Damn. I really was hoping it was a kind of masochistic steak caused by self-loathing due to a past sin.

        I like to imagine Jarv has this dark side none of us are aware of.

  7. herrmilflover says :

    I have no doubt this movie is probably even shittier than you make it sound, yet I think we need a second opinion from Frank on this one. Just in case.

  8. Tom_Bando says :

    Jarv–PUT THE IN BRUGES DVD BACK INTO THE PLAYER AND LEAVE IT ON FOR 4 DAYS STRAIGHT YOU WILL THANK ME FOR IT.

  9. MORBIUS says :

    Why the ambiguity, stop beating around the bush (so to speak) did you like it or not?

    Eight ‘cunts’ in one review, is that a personal best?

  10. Jarv says :

    Shit.

    Apparently I missed the point of this completely and he’s actually an Atheist. That just makes what he’s doing even more incomprehensible, and I haven’t a clue as to why he had to go to hell at one point.

    Anyhow, from one of the many positive reviews of this filth:

    I am not a fan of torture in horror films. What makes the Coffin Joe films palatable to me is the barely veiled metaphor of Coffin Joe trying to free Brazil from its imprisonment – chained by fear of violence from the military dictatorship and superstitious fear of the Roman Catholic Church. Nothing that Coffin Joe did or could do could ever be as evil or perverse as the way that the Junta and the church conspired to enslave Brazil and Brazilians. Coffin Joe is like a Pied Piper for freedom, offering a path filled with pain and for many, death, but promising at the end of the road a freedom that neither government nor church can take away.

    I don’t know what film that cunt watched, but it wasn’t the one I sat through with mounting anger, and it certainly doesn’t explain why a woman ate her own ass.

    • Continentalop says :

      So this movie is like the Inglorious Basterds of torture porn? It makes me root for the oppressive government and church, just like IB made you feel for Nazis over jews?

      • Jarv says :

        That would be about right.

        Aside from the fact that the church are represented here by Father “Electrocutes Own Nipples” of the diocese “Car battery”.

        If both sides could lose, then that would probably be best.

  11. Jarv says :

    Shit

    Has it eaten the pictures?

  12. Droid says :

    I can see the pics.

    Unfortunately.

    • Jarv says :

      They aren’t nasty.

      I deliberately picked ones that were clean to show how crap the film is.

      I could have gone for the woman eating her own ass.

      • Droid says :

        Unfortunately by seeing pics I now have a visual image of the film.

        Plus I don’t need to see a pic of hispanic Dom Deluise. The knowledge that one existed is horrifying enough.

  13. Jarv says :

    Depends, Frank- how do you feel about Torture Porn?

  14. Droid says :

    For some reason when you say ‘proud’ I think of Tom Green in Freddy Got Fingered repeatedly over pronouncing the word.

    “Prouudd” “Prrroouuuuddd” “Pprroouuddd”

    You remind me of Tom Green. That’s funny. I could see you making a movie as off the wall as FGF.

  15. Jarv says :

    FGF is complete wank, and Tom Green is a cunt.

    • Droid says :

      I have no problem saying I laughed at FGF. Some of it is just fucking weird. And I don’t mind TG. I watched his show and it was pretty funny.

    • Jarv says :

      This is a real example of humour being subjective. I honestly believe FGF is a ginormous unfunny sack of crap and TG is a complete cunt who wouldn’t know funny if it fisted him.

      I am aware of the marmite nature of the film though.

    • Droid says :

      I agree. And he’s the type of guy who gets old very quickly. The film is funny once. A lot of it depends on shock value. But I laughed quite a bit throughout the movie, which is a lot more than I can say for 80% of other alleged comedies.

    • Jarv says :

      I also agree about the quality of comedy. Although that still doesn’t change my opinion of FGF. If anything I think FGF is a bit worse as it annoyed the fuck out of me.

      He’s just such a cunt.

  16. Jarv says :

    “Daddy, would you like some SAUSages! Daddy, would you like some SAUSAGE!”

    That is one of the most painfully unfunny moments in a film full of painfully unfunny moments.

    You two are nuts. Only possible explanation.

  17. Jarv says :

    Don’t worry- you’re much funnier, less annoying and much less of a cunt.

    • just pillow talk says :

      Now we know what to put in your obit:

      “Frankie was much funnier, less annoying, and much less of a cunt that Tom Green. Rest in Peace.”

  18. Droid says :

    I don’t know who Jack Dee is. Has he ever appeared in a movie holding a horses cock yelling “Look at me, daddy! I’m a farmer!”

  19. Jarv says :

    Now you’re talking.

    Nob gags, Vag gags, blind misogyny.

    I’m amazed you didn’t reel out Bernard Manning.

  20. Tom_Bando says :

    Well, humour IS subjective. I’m on record as being a fan of Benny Hill, Police Academy and Johnny Sokko, so you KNOW I’ve no excuse.

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