Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Embodiment of Evil
Jarv’s rating: 1 Changs. I fucking hate torture porn
Christ on a moped. Where to begin?
This film is, apparently, important. It’s got a glowing review at Twitchfilm (a usually reliable source for non-English language movies) and also a surprisingly high rating on IMDB. However, ignore that, and listen to me.
They’re completely wrong. This is, in fact, a truly repellent, festering, revolting, unburied corpse of a film and I’m the motherfucker with the shovel and the lime pit.
As far as I can tell, and the internet helps me a touch here- back in the 60’s this disgusting old cunt called José Mojica Marins made 2 films on absolutely no budget, starring the vainglorious cunt himself, about this old Satanist cunt called “Coffin Joe” (the only amusing thing about this film). Joe is/ was a repellent sleazy old cunt that had made some kind of Faustian pact and was therefore in league with the devil. His entire plan, from what I gather, was to make women fuck him so that he could spawn a new generation of evil into Brazil. This is, in itself, not a particularly bad plan. Unfortunately, Joe happens to be a cunt.
The women, because they were apparently horror films, had to undergo a gruelling series of trials to prove themselves fit to receive Joe’s seed. Rats, spiders, grotesque torture and probably extreme boredom were all weapons in Joe’s arsenal. Quite why you would subject the perfect woman to this is completely lost on me, but hey, the old fucker did. Anyhow, the second film ended with him being rightfully incarcerated for being a disgusting old degenerate sociopath.
Fuck this film. I almost cannot be arsed to go on with this, except for the fact that I have actually watched it, and I think it may be therapeutic to share it with the class.
Anyhoo, Joe (the dick) wisely took a break from his Coffin Joe series. For 40 years. Yet, in 2008 some stupid prick gave him a budget and told him to revisit past glories. What we have here is the direct result of the silly cunt that signed the cheque’s stupidity and the obscene vanity of the man that made the film.
I suppose that I do have to give a synopsis of the plot. I’d rather not, but this would be disingenuous horseshit if I didn’t. Coffin Joe is an old cunt in Sao Paulo nick. He’s served 40 years for rape and murder and is due to be released. Unfortunately, the rehabilitation process in Brazilian slammers is clearly not up to much, so the fucker gets collected by his Igor (the cunt even has a hunchback) and sets out back on his old ways: gathering hot women, torturing them, then failing to have sex with them. This time out though, there’s some police cunt, and a catholic priest with a penchant for electrocuting his own nipples that’s out to stop Joe. They do manage to waste Joe’s degenerate ass, but one of the women takes the time out to fuck his corpse. Quite why they thought this was a good idea, I don’t know, but she does it.
This film is basically shit for a few reasons (and not entertaining shit). Firstly, it’s a confusing clusterfuck of a film. It lurches around, like a drunken slag in a nightclub, just looking for something to puke on. Shit just happens for no apparent reason, then it lurches back to a fucking mind-numbing monologue from Joe himself. There was more than one occasion when I was stuck thinking “I’m sure I’ve missed something here”.
Secondly, this film is torture porn. I fucking detest torture porn. It’s a loathsome, lazy, talentless, inept, despicable *inserts adjectives* way to make a horror film. There’s nothing talented in making the audience puke- there is in making them scared, because that is managing to elicit an emotional response, but in making me wince? I wince on “Funniest home videos” when mongoloids inexplicably manage to slam their bollocks into railings/fridges/ car doors/ whatever, but that doesn’t mean I’m scared by it.
In this “effort” the two standout scenes are Joe’s satanic hallucination (which involves a woman sewing her own lips shut) and the truly repellent sequence where a woman eats her own ass.
I’m not joking, and it sounds much funnier than it actually is, but she eats her own buttock.This is one of the most unpleasant things I’ve seen in a long time.
I could kind of deal with the torture if there was anything else of value in the film. There isn’t: the script is shit, the direction is narcissistic, the score is a horrible cacophony, and the acting is atrocious.
Fuck me. Why do people make this shit?
Anyway, if it’s that bad, why is it not a zero chang film? well, it gets one solitary chang for Joe himself. He’s a ridiculous freak with mutant fingernails, a severe attitude problem and a frankly daft wardrobe. For the first 20 minutes, I have to say that I was entertained by his cretinous antics. Then the film found second gear and that was that. The sole chang is for Joe.
Overall, would I recommend this film. No. I would not. It’s crap, and worse than that it’s torture porn crap. I can, actually, see why it took 40 years between films, because I think that’s how long it is going to take me to forget it. This is a nasty film and although I haven’t seen the 60’s efforts, it really has put me off. Especially when I consider that this is probably the film the fucker would have made if someone had given him the budget back then,
Until next time,