Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Oasis of Fear

Jarv’s Rating: 0 Fucking Changs. Walter orders Burt to tie DVD to big fucking bomb and feed to Graboid.

This film is shit.

Seriously. This film is complete fucking shit.

I hate it so much that I’ve had three goes at watching it and still not made it past the half way stage- and this hasn’t been in one attempt. I’ve stopped it and resumed from where I quit the first fucking time. This is fucking shit.

I hate this so much for so many different reasons. It actually cunts me off, because it slightly mars my otherwise happy vision of Ornella Muti in Flash Gordon (possibly the greatest bad movie ever made). In fact,I want to introduce the bore worms to the assholes that squandered her in this garbage,

Plotwise- this film is moronic bordering on retarded. A basic synopsis is: 2 idiotic hippies are going on  a tour of Europe and funding said trip through selling filthy pictures of her to random strangers. It’s all going swimmingly for them for a bit, but unfortunately they get robbed, mistaken for armed robbers (hilariously) and then enter some sort of sub-dom hell, and frankly it serves them right. Oh yes, and I’m told they die in a fiery car wreck. Which also, frankly, serves them right.

I’ve read a huge amount of bullshit about this film- “superlative” being a common word used. However, they’re all fucking lying. It’s dull. Really dull. Basically,the first half an hour of the film has them doing idiotic hippy things in Europe (dousing doves with champagne being a worth noting low point), and the guy in particular is such a massive fucking dickhead that it’s really hard to be interested in a damned thing they’re doing. There’s some staggeringly tedious dancing in clubs before nothing of any interest happens. This film is shit.

Anyway, things liven up when they turn up at the “oasis”. Well, I say “liven up” but really I mean that if you fucking used a state of the art defibrillator to try to resuscitate it, it would still be pronounced dead at the scene. Irene Papas (otherwise seen in things that don’t suck)  is the completely bored housewife who has been waiting for a pair of Eurotrash degenerates to fill her otherwise empty suburban life.

This film is, as I’ve said, shit. It has a strange floaty quality, but that isn’t remotely enough to keep me interested. The problem is that it’s fundamentally fucking boring and all the characters are complete arseholes. Lenzi (the director) has clearly got a coherent vision about what this film should be, and it is very nice to look at. It’s still boring.

The acting is surprisingly good. Well, I;m lying it isn’t. It’s actually dreadful. Muti does as well as she can possibly do with the paucity of material that she’s given, but she isn’t the worst. She’s actually, in comparison, really solid. Papas looks like she wants to be anywhere other than in this shit (even during when she blows douchebag boyfriend). The criminally dreadful performance is from Ray Lovelock who is so lacking in charisma that I think he’d struggle to rent a whore. He’s a cunt.

I’m running low on hatred for this load of shit. This is allegedly sexploitation without the sex but a shit load of exploitation. And it isn’t the film that’s being exploited. It’s the fucking idiots sitting through it waiting for a miracle to breathe life into their useless and sadly abused members, This film is fucking unwatchable, unless you feel an overwhelming urge to see two hippy cunts dance badly for ages.

As I said, it’s shit.

This film has usurped Forrest Gump as my most hated film of all time, and that’s something that I though was impossible. It manages to be offensively dull, offensively pretentious, offensively idiotic, and above all else not worthy of the alleged extreme rating it has. This film is fucking dire.

Anyhoo, seeing as you only read this review to see Muti’s tits- here they are.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

14 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Oasis of Fear”

  1. Jarv says :

    I’ve spent ages setting that gag up.

    Well, 2 reviews.

    It’s still funny.

  2. jarv says :

    It’s my fucking commission. I’ve got 7 of the damned things to do by friday. 3 down 4 to go.

  3. herrmilflover says :

    What is that commission about exactly? It sounds like torture, or some nefarious plan by Seth Rogan and his ilk to make you appreciate that as shit as their movies are, there’s always worse to be found.

    And why is Muti being held hostage by Judge Dredd?

    • Jarv says :

      That took me a while to set up. I used the 2 earlier reviews to flash boobs and then put in the hastily photoshopped Flash still for the punchline.

      Hope you appreciated it.

    • Jarv says :

      A woman I know had to find someone to review some of the less famous Shameless films- unfortunately, I am that mug.

  4. Tom_Bando says :

    *pokes Jarv w/ a BIG stick*

    *twice*

    You need to A: REVIEW FLASH GORDON SIRRAH.

    and B: REVIEW FORREST GUMP

    There. That should work wonders to douse this shite from your mind.

    Or-Just Watch In Bruges again, and you will be fine.

  5. jarv says :

    I love Flash gordon.

  6. Jarv says :

    Christ this was a short review.

    And the fecker has chomped the picture of Muti posing on her knees. (I daren’t try to retrieve it here, I’ll have to do it at home).

  7. koutchboom says :

    What the hell is this movie even about then? Just wondering hippies? I hate hippies.

    • Jarv says :

      Basically, 2 hippies are traveling across Europe funding their trip by selling nuddy photos of the girlfriend. They, for reasons never properly explained, end up on the run and holed up in a a villa (that they call the Oasis). They have a party, the guy fucks the woman that owns it, then they go a bit psychotic for a while before dying in a fiery car crash.

      That’s about as coherent as I can make the plot.

      What this consists of in reality is a huge amount of interminable scenes of the hippies partying, Muti’s breasts, massive tedium, more massive tedium, some more partying, a bit of torture, pompous ass dialogue, more partying, car crash.

      The only scene of the film that even raises a chuckle (aside from Muti’s breasts) is the scene where they’ve got just enough money for a passport photobooth so Muti is in the booth snapping her split beaver to raise the cash when the seat goes.

      It’s diabolical- but a lot of the problem is that the guy is a colossal twat- he’s painfully annoying, the character is a real dickhead, totally unsympathetic AND it’s a shocking performance.

  8. Bartleby says :

    this sounds abysmal. I don’t know what this ‘commission’ is Jarv, but man I hope you are getting well payed for it.

    I’ve seen some right crap in my time, but I haven’t even heard of half of these things.

  9. Bartleby says :

    also, are the reviews posted here the commission, or are you writing other reviews for them elsewhere?

    And if so, how do we read the actual reviews?

    I want to see what those look like.

  10. Jarv says :

    Picture replaced. Not as good as the first one, but it will do.

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