Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Venus in Furs

“This is my husband. He’s a degenerate”

Oh Christ, here we go…..

This film, in a funny sort of way makes me feel really nostalgic. Now, before you all deride me for being a hopeless pervert, let me explain:

In the dark ages, as in BI (Before Internet), your average 15 year old British lad, would struggle to get proper porn. Sure, you’d be able to get the odd copy of Playboy or some such other vanilla shit, but you’d never remotely be able to get anywhere near actual hard core. Unless (and everyone had one of these) you had a mate with a shop-soiled Scandinavian video cassette.

So, for your average hormonal teenager that couldn’t pull in a bell-ringing convention (seriously, I weigh the same as a fucking tea bag now, and I’m over 30 and put on weight)  your only hope was the late night Channel 4 smut move. Which was invariably Emmanuelle. Which I invariably watched.

Venus in Furs isn’t even actually called Venus in Furs. Well, this version isn’t. Those guys at Shameless certainly live up to their name. It’s actually called Devil in the Flesh. However, I’ll give them a pass, because it is based on the novel.

Oh shit, I’m getting into sticky water here.

Anyway, this film is very loosely based on the novel by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, an Austrian pervert with serious discipine issues. However, I have it on good authority that the novel isn’t actually that bad. (Christ- help). As far as my really limited understanding of it goes, it’s more of an emotional thing than a sexual one. I mean: nobody nails their bollocks to a plank of wood in it.

Thank fuck.

So, in this version of the novel, we’re introduced to Severin. Severin is, aside from being a degenerate scumbag, a massive, massive sack of cocks. He’s got thousands of truly half arsed theories about relationships and is in a search for the ideal woman. The ideal woman for this fucking dickhead is a woman that will basically treat him like shit and ruin his life.

He picks up this, well, whore called Wanda, and she unleashes the full range of emotional cruelty on him, mostly at his idiotic instigation. That’s it- that’s the plot.

This is not a good film. It’s an OK film, don’t get me wrong. It’s clearly well made, and is indeed full of attractive women that get naked at the drop of a hat. This is, in fact, a shady art film.

However, all things considered, it’s not a good film either. I’ve not given it a Chang rating, because I can’t. It screams out 0 Chamgs. but it is well made and is not boring at any stage. It’s fucked up. Basically, what this film is, is a very artfully staged series of fuck scenes. There is absolutely no point talking about acting (terrible), direction (meh), score (hilarious) or anything else, because it doesn’t matter. There isn’t anything to this outside of the fucking.

However, I am going to be extremely rude about the script. Severin is a colossal tool, and Wanda is a fucking evil whore, but what they do to justify the porn is that both fucking characters pointlessly fucking recite passages from the novel about misery (I’m not joking) and the cruelty of women. It’s hard (and not in that way) watching, because although Severin is a complete fucking dickhead, what she does to him is harsh.

I maintain that they fucked up because of lack of a safety word, to be honest.

And now we come to the reason that I’m reviewing this. In the 80’s and 90’s there was a reason to watch this type of film- we couldn’t get proper porn anywhere. Art movies fulfilled a gap that we needed filling. However, this is the 21st Century. Anyone with an internet connection can OD on filth at the drop of a hat. And I mean proper filth, not this soft-core shit. If I want to see dwarf amputee porn, I can get it at the click of a mouse. So given that all the perversion that humanity can inflict on itself is readily available, there’s absolutely no reason to watch this. It isn’t heavy porn, it isn’t artistic (despite what it thinks), and it isn’t anything that could remotely be described as clever.

This film is, nowadays, completely pointless.

Don’t bother.

I’m off for a shower now, but until next time, which is unfortunately another of these….

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

20 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Venus in Furs”

  1. kloipy says :

    i remember watching Last Tango in Paris as a youngster hoping for some skin, and I got Marlon Brando and a jar of butter. Not what I expected
    Great, hilarious review Jarv

  2. Jarv says :

    Well, if you want some skin Kloipy, this has shit loads of it. I actually struggled to make this SFW.

    I remember making the same mistake with “whore” as well.

  3. Tom_Bando says :

    *NEEDS GIANT ROBOTS. TONS OF THEM.

  4. M. Blitz says :

    So this one isn’t the Kinski one? Damn.
    Does it end with a call for equal education for women, so that we might become companions to men rather than despots or slaves? No joke–amazingly, that is how the book ends.

    Hmmmmm……Looks like Bando’s got it right. (As usual…)

  5. Continentalop says :

    I’m drunk. Just thought you should know.

  6. Jarv says :

    Honestly, if you want to watch something like this- watch Emmanuelle. It’s simply a better film, and a woman smokes a fag with her, erm, twat.

    All the tags are legit to the film. Honest.

  7. Jarv says :

    I didn’t even go into the full range of perversion in this- the whole first third is about Severin getting his kicks from watching women shower/ masturbate/ get fucked through a peephole.

    There’s a lesbian couple they hire to take care of them, and they fuck as well/ get naked randomly.

    And she does beat him, not a lot (thankfully). It’s more degrading than anything else.

  8. Droid says :

    If I want to see dwarf amputee porn, I can get it at the click of a mouse.

    I rescind my offer to send you the email on how to download you dirty pervert. Internets is for legitimate artistic expression, like Goo for Two or Spain in the Ass.

  9. Bartleby says :

    Ok, this is not the Venus in Furs I saw. That one had very little to no nudity and was, in the end, a take-off on the Twilight Zone with some damn fool trumpeter dying, not knowing and hanging out with crazy Klaus and the woman he accidentally murdered. It was probably funnier than this because it even had it’s own theme song that was played everytime the titular Venus came on screen.

    Think it went like “Venus in Furs will be smiling” or something of that nature.

    • Jarv says :

      No, No, No, No, No

      This is a pretentious art film about emotional domination. There’s very little actual s&M in it, but a whole raft of titties.

  10. Bartleby says :

    right I got that part right after I saw the cover. The other film was also 1969, so thats why I was confused.

  11. Bartleby says :

    not confused by your review, but yesterday when you were talking about it.

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