Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Evil Bong
“Soon I will control the world! A great, big, beautiful, stoned world with potsmoke clouds and oceans of bongwater!”
Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4
I sense some scepticism from the peanut gallery about this rating, but you’ll have to trust me. This is a legitimately good film. It isn’t a horror film- in fact, Charles Band himself describes it as a “stoner comedy”, and a very funny stoner comedy it is too.
I was all prepared to be rude about this film. The premise of it is fucking stupid after all. Charles Band is a schlockmeister and is responsible for films such as Trancers, so he has more leeway than most with me, but really, this is a film about a possessed bong, made with less than the catering budget on even small-scale productions. For fuck’s sake.
Everything about this should be absolute garbage. It’s a staggeringly dumb premise, the budget only stretched to 2 sets, the actors (for want of a better word) aren’t exactly a list and the total special effects budget went into the “bongworld” effect. The bong world effect is kind of shitty, and reminded me a bit of Jeannie’s lamp in that shitey 60’s comedy, to be honest, so it isn’t exactly money well spent.
Evil Bong is, as I’ve already explained, a film about a possessed bong. The basic plot is: 3 stoner douchebags live in one room (not even an apartment), an upper level nerd rents the corner of it off them, and head stoner douchebag, Larnell, uses the money to purchase a bong that he sees advertised in the back of High Times- on the basis that all that’s missing from their fucking squat is “a killer bong” and this bong has killed people.
Anyhow, in comes the bong, and second stoner Bachmann overdoes things. He’s sucked into Bongworld- which is, brilliantly, a seedy strip club, before his hands are chewed off by a carnivorous bra wearing stripper.The next morning, the other 3 discover the body, and instead of doing the obvious: calling the cops and disposing of the bong, they decide to hide the body because they’re having a party that evening.
Larnell then is also sucked into Bongworld, and abuses his wheelchair bound grandfather, before he too falls victim to a carnivorous bra wearing stripper. The remaining 2 cretins think that he’s asleep, so go ahead with the party (because nerd thinks he may score).
At the height of what must be the worst party in the history of cinema, they break out the bong again, and Brett and indistinguishable slapper number one, Luann, overdo it. Luann’s hormones go into overdrive causing her to bounce around to orgasm on a pogostick (I shit you not) before the pair of them get sucked into Bong world and finished off.
Finally, the penny drops with nerd guy that the bong is killing people. Enter “Jimmy” the previous owner, who it turns out isn’t dead, rather his evil wife flogged the bong along with his prized collection of hot wheels. He persuades nerdboy to take a hit, and then enter Bong World to kill “Eeebee”. Quite how they think they’re going to achieve that is never mentioned. Meanwhile he hilariously sets about said narcotic paraphernalia with a variety of tools, including a chainsaw.
Inside Bong World, Nerd boy rescues random slag number 2, Janet, from an over oiled male stripper, while outside Bong world Jimmy is suckered into doing far too much in the way of weed by Eeebee. He gets sucked into Bong world as well, Nerd and slag number 2 escape before he blows himself up, thereby killing Eeebee.
Doesn’t that just sound like complete garbage? However, and I have to be absolutely clear about this, don’t write it off just yet. There are, and I know this is hard to believe, actual reasons to see this film- Firstly, Jimmy is played by none other than Tommy Chong. He’s a bit frazzled, to be fair, but if anyone’s going to play a 1960’s drug casualty, then he’s your man. Secondly, it’s legitimately and deliberately funny. Larnell gets some great lines, especially when he’s arguing with his grandfather, and even the Nerd gets some stormers: “you accursed piece of narcotic paraphernalia” leaping to mind. The soundtrack is also excellent, although this can’t have been exactly difficult.
Aside from that- the real reason to watch this film is that it’s effectively a “best of” Full Moon productions. There are plenty of top notch cameos (all of which are funny) in Bong world, including The Gingerdead Man (beating off), The Demonic Toys (beating off), A midget (thankfully not pulling his pud), Evil Dolls (beating off), and (this is incredible) Trooper Deth himself (just there to give the nerd some style advice). I always thought of him as a bit of a square, but nevertheless- here he is:
How fucking cool is that? I’ll tell you- that is cooler than a nudist Eskimo’s nipples. It’s cooler and more mint than the Fox’s Glacier Mint Polar Bear’s nutsack. It’s so cool, in fact, that even were Evil Bong to be unmitigated arseberries, I’d still give it 3 fucking Changs. My only whinge about Bong world is that Band (being the cynical money hungry cunt that he is) decided that the stripper’s bras had to kill the stoners. This sounds stupid, until you discover that at the time Full Moon was marketing a series of novelty bras that look suspiciously similar to the ones in the film. For the sin of being a greedy cunt, I deduct one Chang.
However, I give it a bonus Chang for a superb piece of casting-Michelle Mais as the voice of Eeebee. She’s got a superb soul momma type of voice and it fits the character (as much as a bong can have a character) perfectly. I want to hear her sing something- because I bet she’s got a fine set of pipes.
Overall, not only do I recommend this glorious piece of low rent fun, I have to say that it’s almost fucking required Changian viewing. Sure, it’s silly and cheap, and sure it’s dopey as fuck, but it’s downright fucking funny and is a top drawer piece of schlocky fun.
I cannot wait to get my grubby mitts on Evil Bong 2: King Bong.