Inglourious Ass-Turds: the bowl winder review


Inglourious BasTURDS

Fuck you Cokey McFrankenstein Head

We Are DONE PROFESSIONALLY!


Inglourious BasTURDS

receives -356.715 negative Chang Heads


Sir,

I am writing this missive in response to your latest “movie” Inglourious BasTURDS, which I made the mistake of renting on 16 December 2009. You remember that alleged “movie” right? It’s the “war” movie you ripped off from other good war movies and then committed the cardinal sin of making a boring film?

Mr. Mutant Squash Head, I would humbly suggest you stop writing and directing movies, you have no talent for this sort of endeavor. Now I realize your M.O. is to take Oriental chop-sockey fare, obscure European “cinema“ or grind house flicks and “homage“ them but contrary to what your ball lickers tell you, you are not talented. Instead sir, I would suggest that you take your ginormous coke addled head to the other side of the camera and act. It seems to me that is what you truly want to do anyways although the cinematographers would have to get an extra, extra wide angle lens in order to get your circus tent sized melon into the frame.

Mr. Potato Head I implore you to heed my request to quit writing and directing and here’s why. You don’t know me from Adam’s goat, I get that, I’m just some goofball writing a letter on a blog almost nobody will see. But the thing is this, I want to like movies, ALL movies, by everybody ALL the time; but you and your ilk, like Eli Roth, who I previously didn’t have much of an issue with, are making me start to hate movies with a passion that could charitably be called burning. You are a bunch of soulless hacks. I bet I could turn out a better movie without an ounce of training, any time spent working at a video store or a pile of cocaine the size of Texas. You know what? I’ll take the cocaine. Please have it sent to my future editor and my future music guy. Their names are Continentalops and Jarv.

Being brutally honest Mr. Frankenstein Head, you were never all that good in my opinion and this movie has further proven that the emperor has no clothes. Yes, Reservoir Dogs was a decent flick but then you made Pulp Fiction, which wasn’t and worse, made Travolta back into a bankable star. Your best most complete movie, Jackie Brown, only worked because you were just smart enough to not mess with Elmore Leonard’s fine story and the changes you made adapting the book to a film actually worked well. Unfortunately you then went right down the crapper with Kill Bill Vol 2 (1 was OK, decent fight scenes made up for the blah everything else) and you totally whiffed on your section of Grindhouse.

To be fair sir, it’s not entirely your fault. The slavering, asshole licking, want to be hipster dumb fucks that hold you up as some sort of skilled and talented movie maker fuel my hatred for you and your talentless humongous head.

Now before I ask a series of questions that I demand answers to, I want to state that there were some acceptable parts to Inglourious BasTURDS. The opening scene with LaPadite and Landa was well staged. Also, I would like to thank you for introducing me to Michael Fassbender who played Lt. Hicox. Fassbender was great in his ten minutes of time and since I’ve never experienced this fine actor before, I say thank you. I want to single out Christoph Waltz who played SS Colonel Hans Landa. You should send this guy money every year for the work he did on BasTURDS. Waltz was flat out fantastic. He could go from a smarmy bureaucrat to haughty and arrogant to slimy and self serving to very scary all in one sentence. He truly seemed like he was an SS-SD (Schutzstaffel-Sicherheitsdienst) officer.

Now on to the multiple problems with BasTURDS. I’m going to ask my questions and if you would get back to me pronto it sure would be appreciated.

*** SPOILERS AHOY IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED ***

1. What movie was Mr. Jolie acting in? It seemed like he was in an entirely different movie than everybody else.

2. What the hell was up with the music? Usually I don’t notice things like this because it doesn’t matter to me, but the music choices were uniformly dire and why did you have a semi hard rock song in there? Usually Cokey, you handle the music well. What happened?

3. Why was the movie so god awful boring? I swear to Buddha time stopped and went backwards while watching the movie. IB may have beat your previous record for stopping time you set in Grindhouse.

4. If you give Mr. Jolie a big speech about killing “natzee’s” (Cotton Hill pronunciation, eh?), how come they barely kill any until the end of the flick?

5. If you are making a movie about Jews killing Nazis, how come we don’t know any of the Jewish soldiers? Why give Stieglitz a big intro and not tell, hint or imply why he was killing SS Officers and then waste the character in a pointless scene?

6. Why all the stupid and self serving editing tricks? That’s also something I don’t usually notice but damn son, give the gimmicks a rest why don’t ‘cha? All the goofy crap you jizzed onto the screen took me out of the movie. For example, why the chapter cards?

7. What was up with your bum boy Eli Roth’s accent?. I didn’t have a problem with Roth until this movie. I liked Cabin Fever for what it was. Didn’t care for Hostel and skipped the second one and thought he had one of the better fake trailers for Grindhouse. Holy titty fucking Christ! What the hell was up with that bad Southie accent? And why did he scream all his lines? and why did you cast him. he was terrible in his five minutes of screen time. C’mon Cokey technically Roth grew up in Boston but in Cambridge on the the campus of Harvard University where his father was a professor. Cambridge has as much in common with Southie as a politician or lawyer has with telling the truth.

8. Why did it feel like I was missing important parts of the movie? Were you forced to make a bunch of cuts?

9. This part might have be blamed on the DVD I rented but why was the movie so quiet? I live in a tiny room and I had trouble hearing it unless the volume was cranked. And I have good speakers.

10. Again WHY was the movie so boring?

11. Still with the feet?

Sir, to sum it up, we are done. I will not be paying for another crap movie you make and I implore you stop making me hate movies.

Sincerely,

Xiphos





XI:bd



Mini-review: Knowing

I watched this after Taratino’s epic fail. Knowing was a damn fun flick. The hair piece dialed down the goofiness and it worked. Interesting story with an ending I didn’t see coming and decent SPX. Knowing cleansed the shit off of my palette that BasTURDS left behind.

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About Xiphos0311

Sporadic genius but mostly IDGAF.

73 responses to “Inglourious Ass-Turds: the bowl winder review”

  1. Koutchboom says :

    Glad you liked Knowing! I couldn’t believe how fun that movie ended up being.

  2. Stiglitz's Fist says :

    cry more, bitch

  3. xiphos0311 says :

    Sweet a Cokey ball licker! How does it taste to eat shit sandwiches otherwise known as a Tarantino “movie”rent boi? Stiglitz went out like a pussy, chew on that piss mop.

  4. lord bronco says :

    Thank god-I haven’t even read the review in it’s entirety-but i really thought this movie sucked. There’s just a few brilliant scenes at the beginning, which make the rest all that more unwatchable.
    Not the worst movie ever made, but to waste so much talent and money on revisionist, stupid fantasy-this one irked me as well. now i will slowly savor the review line by line…
    My point is that there were so many intriguing, revisionist angles to that war just by reporting facts-hey that could have been great.

  5. lord bronco says :

    Ah, that was quite ennervating. My only thoughts are that QT’s becoming a “stylist” filmmaker. Him like, kevin Smith and M. Night got exposure for a couple out of left field properties that did make valid points, but then had no middle or end game projects/thoughts lined up. Maybe if they admitted their limitations and seek help from other talented professionals to make new projects…but no!

    Christ these guys are as old as me, but they seem to be stuck in the 12th grade or something.

    This flick…he spent 10 years writing this motherfucker? i figured it would be a mind-blowing return to form like Stallone’s Rambo-but it was the exact opposite, and a complete misfire.

    I wonder if he decided he had to cut out all the conflict/violence?

    Why was this movie rated anything over PG-13?

    You know what? Who cares. Fuck it.

    Now, for this evening, i’m going to watch GI JOE and Transformers 2 back to back-this should be interesting. (No I did not pay one red cent for either one).

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Haven’t seen GI Jose yet. Of course am proud owner of Big Robots etc II–I’d say skip the first 40 minutes and you’ll be better off for it.

      • lord bronco says :

        this SchlockBusters are much more palatable on DVD. I figured out the system on EagleEye and Perfected it on Die Hard IV. Simply skip anytime a character opens their mouths, and you find that most of these movies are 25 minute trailers for really kick ass video games.
        It’s when I’m stuck in a theater that I paid for is when i get deranged and hateful.
        SchlockBusters-yep, I coined the term.
        I like wanton destruction-I really do.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Cokey spent 12 years writing IB? Really? it felt more like 12 minutes, maybe.

      • lord bronco says :

        Man, XI-I’m about 20 minutes into GI JOE, and it makes me wish you were here. It’s not the worst pseudo-military movie I’ve ever seen…It’s…boring. I kept trying to focus on what was going on-there have been a few smirks on my part here and there. but i shut off the television and went upstairs and read random news clippings on GoogleNews, and fell asleep.

        It does cryout for a rifftrax treatment though-I got out a few one liners already. I’m working on the AIBN guys to get Skype accounts so we record smart alleck talkback tracks to these “motion pictures”.

        he he-I think your take on GI JOE would be comedy gold. I don’t think it would make you angry so much as goofy disbelief.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        I don’t think GI Joe would bother me because it’s supposed to be goofy although if it’s boring that would bother me. I tend to have issues with movies that are set in the “real world” and then take liberty with reality past the point of having to make changes in order to make a movie.

        I can defiantly get behind destroying Paris.

      • lord bronco says :

        Well, It’s more like a comedy. Or an old James bond meets Austin powers, or something…very odd. not what i would call grim and gritty, though it’s trying it’s darndest. It’s like that retarded guy in basic training who washed out, but didn’t have to be beaten with soap bars to get the clue. he kind of quits and goes home and plays world of warcraft, and his Commanding officer says-I think that’s best for all parties involved…

  6. Droid says :

    hehe Well said, Xi. Although I gave it a marginally better review (that’s not hard!).

  7. Droid says :

    More importantly, you liked Knowing! That flick rules!

    • lord bronco says :

      I also liked Knowing. I’m in a state of quantum flux about Nic Cage–Ghost rider, wickerman-but now that he’s semi-broke (for a multimillionaire) I’m looking at his movies more like guilty pleasures and gifts to rich man charity.
      Haven’t been able to force myself to watch national Treasures-even though they are free on the DVR…I remeber an interview with him way back, “(where he said paraphrasing) my odd casting choices in things like WIld At heart, Raising Arizona and the vampire thing–have been limiting my future casting choices, so i’ve decided to be less choosy about which projects i associate my name with”
      That’s for damn sure 🙂

      • xiphos0311 says :

        The first NT movie was fun flick. It’s the Goonies for adults. I haven’t seen the second one but I did like the first one well enough.

  8. Bartleby says :

    Exactly…the best part of this review is you liked Knowing. An excellent little movie with some of the best destruction scenes I’ve witnessed on film. As for IG, I jus saw it and thought it was o.k., but hated pretty much most of the things you pointed out: the odd musical choices and Eli Roth (who I hated long before this) being chief among them. I think the Basterds felt like they were ported into the wrong movie. I’d rather see that chick owning the theater story in a movie not directed by Tarantino.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      The Dreyfus story with Landa stalking her would have been interesting in the hands of a competent director and writer.

  9. Tom_Bando says :

    *Knowing was not bad. I enjoyed. I also in general like Cage’s stuff. In General, mind.

    *Didn’t see Inglorious AssTurds. Have no Intention of seeing Inglorious AssTurds. Xiphos took one for the team here, obviously.

    *Needs Giant Robots.

  10. xiphos0311 says :

    I sometimes forget that Cage is decent actor when he wants to be. That is when he stops chewing on the scenery and using all the weird tics he think make him a good actor.

  11. xiphos0311 says :

    Knowing turned out to be a really good movie surprisingly good actually. Cage absolutely sold the dad angle and how Cage’s story lines ends was not what I thought would happen. The kids story line resolution, while a touch heavy handed in the imagery, was vastly different for this type of movie.

  12. Bartleby says :

    big question regarding Knowing….so, that last shot…is that Pandora?

  13. xiphos0311 says :

    I think I might have broke the random link generator with this post. Those link make zero sense.

  14. Continentalop says :

    Xi, thanks for negotiating the blow for me. That will help me spend extra hours at the FCP hacking away.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      I will need all me people operating on all cylinders in order to make my vision a reality.

      Jarv will probably need it more because I never know the name of any music so he will get the daily dose of me going “you know that song about that chick that did that thing with the cool guitar riff?” on the other hand you would getting questions like “what’s that button do? how does that work? can I push that button?” Yes I ask questions like a 7 year old.

      Just so you understand my process I want to run my shoot like a throwback 70’s style movie shoot. Cost and time over runs, coked up staff and the writer director “auteur” living like Howard Hughes, but with weapons, in a 10,000 dollar a night suite in an Hawaii resort only emerging to surf in the morning on a private beach to seek his “vision” in the surf. Also, I plan to have at least 3 mill in the budget to fly in Brazilian ass models/hookers.

      • Continentalop says :

        So you basically will be Sam Peckinpah 2.0.

        Nice.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        basically I want somebody else to pay for me to surf North Shore and for Brazilian hookers. I don’t think that’s to much to ask, right?

        Peckinpah did that? I knew there was a reason I liked that guy beyond making great movies and being a Marine.

      • Continentalop says :

        Actually you’ll be a Hybrid of Peckenpah, John Milius, John Huston, Coppola, Herzog, Friedkin & Bob Evans.
        Fucking nice. Real nice. I can’t wait to hear your director commentary.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        That’s some big names to live up to. I can do it.

      • Continentalop says :

        I forgot to add Sam Fuller to the list.
        From Xi’s appearance at the Actor’s Sudio: “Well, I was really able to get a good performance out of the Rug in this scene.”
        “How did you manage that? What was your direction to Mr. Cage?”
        “I told him if he flubbed one more fucking line I was going to unload with double-aught from my Purdy shotgun into his fuckin’ ass.”

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Throw in a bunch of motherfuckers and cocksuckers and you would be correct sir.

        good call on the Purdy except I think I would go for the double rifle or try to get shotgun and a double rifle.

  15. Continentalop says :

    I haven’t seen this flick yet, but I will disagree with you about one thing: QT is very talented. He is no hack. Which is why his last three films (and maybe IB) are so fucking infuriating. We are watching someone piss his fucking talent away, making shitty films because his ego has gotten so big that it is obscuring his vision about how flawed his movies.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      We are watching someone piss his fucking talent away, making shitty films because his ego has gotten so big that it is obscuring his vision about how flawed his movie

      Isn’t that one of the definitions of a hack?

    • lord bronco says :

      Conti-you hit the nail on the head-that’s exactly what I was thinking throughout IB. It’s another one-maybe the worse yet, where there are scenes that resonate and are brilliant for minutes at a time, and then, it’s like oh let’s tack on another hour and ten minutes of stuff as an afterthought from this other script I had laying around.

      QT’s the worst to see because, his early stuff all the way through Kill bill were movies.

      I guess the guy is relatively young, and even the Beard and Kubrick had mysfires here and there.

      But this sure makes you miss Alfred Hitchcock. He was a psycho, but he had a very long range plan, and very few if any misses in his oeuvre. The old studio geniuses I think spent 20 percent of their time, if not more researching scripts/properties for their next projects.

      nowadays, they get a spiel. they get financing/backing. then they hire a writer/writers to flesh out the project after the fact.

      Musing about film on a llazy Sunday afternoon…

  16. xiphos0311 says :

    Dusk till Dawn was great fun at least the first half and Cokey was actually good in it. Like I said above he should act and not direct or write.

    Hayek should have won an Oscar for her work in the movie.

  17. Continentalop says :

    Xi, is someone who is paid very little to put together quickly made, poor quality films. QT fits one of those qualities (the fact that he is paid well and takes 12 years to write this makes the third crime even fucking worse).

    But seriously, I think QT suffers from the same problem as Hitler (yes, I am breaking the internet rule of comparing someone to Hitler). Hitler did a couple of smart strategic ideas and recognize some good ideas, like von Manstein’s plans to invade France through the Ardennes, and because of those successes he thought he was fucking infallible. QT is the same, bunch of really early successes, and like the Fuhrer he is worshipped by a group of zealots that think he is god and is surrounded by a bunch of suckups and yes men who tell him that what he wants to hear.

    The real funny thing is QT puts scenes of dialogue so forced and long and boring, they make the scenes in those ‘coffee table movies” he criticized in True Romance seem like nothing but two-minutes of great one-liners. Fuck, my adrenaline goes up more watching a Ozu or Bresson movie than QT’s pompous snore fest.

    • Continentalop says :

      Correction. “Xi, A HACK is someone who is paid very little to put together quickly made, poor quality films.”
      A Xi, short for Xiphos, is a person or sword that is designed to fuck people up or disembowel them.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      I’ve never really seen his talent. I just don’t get why everybody always holds him up as some great talent. In my opinion the best thing Tarantino ever was involved in was True Romance and that movie is a mess, a gloriously entertaining mess, but a mess none the less.

      I think I like TR over all because I love that scene where Tony Soprano wails on the Medium Chick, That show makes me want to do the same thing, and the shoot out in the end where that douche producers guy gets his ticket canceled.

      • Continentalop says :

        Xi, as examples of his talent I say:
        The One Camera shot in Kill Bill One, where the we follow the Bride going to that Japanese bar following Lucy Lui and the crazy 88s and then ending up in the bathroom with the French chick, all in one shot. Very well composed and executed.

        The part in Kill Bill Two where she is sneaking up to Bud’s trailer, than opens the door and gets hit by the shotgun blast. Also very well executed, nice use of suspense and surprise.

        The car chase in Death Proof.

        The repeat of the girls getting killed in Death Proof, again and again, showing how each one bought it.

        When Stuntman Mike finally likes Rose McGowan know he is a killer – the entire scene is suspenseful and scary.

        Reservoir Dogs.

        The split screen in Jackie Brown. Clever tribute to the 70s and also a very effective tool to suddenly reveal something to the audience (that Jackie has Max Cherry’s gun).

        The opening shot and ending shots of Jackie Brown, just showing Jackie. Both long one shots, and despite their simplicity (or because of them) powerful bookends.

        I think QT is a technical genius, in the sense he truly understands how films works and the power of a single shot, image. He knows how the juxtaposition of two images has an incredible power, so unlike many filmmakers who just try to create spectacle with special fx, he tries to create emotion and tension through the camera, cinematically.

        HOWEVER, I think were he fucking fails, big time, and where I can understand why people say he is a hack or overrated, is he has horrible fucking taste. Directors are hired for their aesthetic taste – skill as a storyteller is secondary. They are arbitrators of taste. QT has HORRIBLE FUCKING taste. Sure, he can pick a good song or write some interesting dialogue once in awhile, or reference a cool film or genre, but the stuff he really likes is just crap. Fucking 20-minute pointless dialogue scenes? Waiting 20-50 minutes between action in an “exploitation” movie? Fucking ninja girls fighting a woman in Bruce Lee’s jumpsuit, in a movie about Sphagetti Western Samurai Gangster Kung Fu revenge? He has the taste of a sixteen year old fucking boy, and no sophistication. It works with the film geek crowd, but for people who have actually lived life, it is fucking empty.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Conti I see what your saying. I don’t make the actual connections you are making because I don’t know anything about technical movie making, I’m just arguing from the point of view of a consumer. On technical terms I will defer to somebody that has the technical knowledge.

    • lord bronco says :

      Well Conti,

      I agree with your points. it makes me conjecture that QT has been riding his coattails, believing that he can get away with a masterpiece once every 4 years, and heading out to festivals and basking because it’s easy.

      Also, the corporate “indie” guys basically this year got a memo that said, like previous years, you have exactly one more movie in the budget, or you are through in regards to getting any more dinero from this corporate entity.

      Which is stressful, but how are these guys responding-making slap dash old scripts, half-ass joke movies like they are too cool to worry about investments from backers.

      They have been collectively committing seppeku in some half ass attempt to stay relevant.

      But look at the pictures-they haven’t even been doing any homework, they’ve been squandering slumming A and b list talent in their movies. All of these flicks have been, just half-baked, poor pre-production, no editorial process before or after the films.

      It’s like a bunch of kids who know they are being thrown out of the cookie store, acting petty and immature before it happens.

      This isn’t a rant, and these should be the guys that who realize it’s 8-Mile time, but instead they get married, pay off their houses and turn into fucking hacks.

      Shit, if I was Mr. Jolie, I’d be pissed as hell at QT. like me or hate me, I will make the budget profitable, for whatever the reasons.

      Just thinking about flicks on a lazy holiday afternoon.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Xi, is someone who is paid very little

      So very true…

      But I’m a proud hack!

  18. Continentalop says :

    BTW – Sad news. Brittany Murphy has died of a “heart attack.” Probably coke induced. Sorry to hear that she has passed away.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Yeah I saw that. Too bad. I was not a fan of Thin Shitty but she was fine in it, ditto Ms Guguino.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Oh yeah she was Lu Anne, forgot that and I liked King of the Hill. How can you not like a character named after a special at Luby’s?

    • lord bronco says :

      Well, it’s too soon-but it was Meth and/or coke.

      Goddamn I hate that shit, but a human being kicking it before the age of 40 who has a husband and money-is damn near impossible without some chemical help.

      Oh, well c’est La Vie.

  19. lord bronco says :

    Damn-Brittany Murphy-RIP age 32-heart attack.

  20. xiphos0311 says :

    Sorry to hear about the Brittney Murphy’s “heart attack”. She was sort of cute and was not very annoying. That last part is the more important of the two.

  21. ThereWolf says :

    Xi.

    I’m not sure because you didn’t quite make it clear enough, but, have you got an issue with the shape of QT’s head?

  22. just pillow talk says :

    Brilliant review Xi. I have no inclination to watch IB, but I’m positive your review was 100 times better than the movie.

    And Knowing is probably the biggest surprise of the year. I mean, when does anyone expect the words “good movie with Nic Cage” in them anymore?

    BTW, watched Neo’s The Day the Earth Stood Still. A rather boring attempt at Alien invasion. I didn’t help that The Bates was totally miscast as Sec. of Def. Awful. It should stick to consuming younglings and whatnot and stay away from “acting”.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Yeah Pillow the movie is not what you would call “good”. Thanks for the compliment.

      Knowing was a huge surprise. I went in thinking I was going to get a typical Cage pay check performance and came away happy that I watched it, which is something that hasn’t happened with a movie in a long time.

      I sort of want to watch Neo as an alien movie just for the fact that the casting is spot on and it looks like it is howlingly bad.

      • Bartleby says :

        don’t Xi. It’s a pretty miserable affair on all ends. It also has zero joy or imagination. It’s such a whiny piece of drivel. Man, the holiday films this time last year stunk.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah imagine if they had released Speed Racer during this time last year? I think it wouldn’t have bombed as hard.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Yeah it would have.

        And talk about your annoying kid who should have gotten eaten by those little robot bug thingies. Fuck!

      • xiphos0311 says :

        That sounds pretty bad Jonah, good thing I didn’t have any solid plans to watch the movie.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        Yeah it sounded pretty goofy, I didn’t bother w/ it. Avatar and Sherlock look like good times to be hand, certainly.

        Mikey Bay needs to take a whack at Forbidden Planet. Just sayin….

      • Tom_Bando says :

        See if you can find what part of the above statement was said in jest.

  23. xiphos0311 says :

    I’m looking forward to Sherlock Holmes. Conti put up a review over at Bale that got me interested finally. The ads sucked in my opinion.

    I like the Mikey bay Forbidden Planet idea. Its just crazy enough to work.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Xiphos I do think Mikey Bay would have made a fun Inglorious Assturds. Or-not. You might as well go allllllllll the way-hire Affleck, Buscemi, Owen Wilson, put in some Giant Robot Lions(TM) and just have at it. _Bay never let reality get in the way of his explosions and dum-dum comedy, so Why start NOW??

      • xiphos0311 says :

        That would have be miles more entertaining then what i watched the other night.

        I’m not reflexively anti Bay. He makes entertaining flicks with the right material. I like the Rock, Armageddon, bad boys. those are all retarded fun. On the other hand there’s Pearl Harbor which was abhorrent garbage.

  24. jarv says :

    Funny stuff. To quote the cottaging koala- you’ve taken your angry pills today.

  25. DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says :

    Good job Xiphos.

    This shit was as funny as milking a clit-dick.

  26. xiphos0311 says :

    Thanks Danny, nice to see you around here. There’s nothing better then milking a clit-dick, its glorious.

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