From the Vault: Schlock in the 21st Century
This century hasn’t been kind to schlock. Needless to say, here’s a list of some I recommend and some I really, really don’t. Some of these I’ve already reviewed, some I haven’t. It’s not a top ten, rather just films from the bargain bucket that I think are worth a look.
I blame a few things for the decline in low rent fun: firstly the rise of CGI. This has meant that shitty special effects are now shitty computer generated special effects and therefore look more fake and are more annoying without being anywhere near as amusing.
Secondly, the rise of hacks working on big budget material. We all know that the rightful home of Emmerich is in making shitty low rent action stuff starring Dolph, but for some inexplicable reason people keep giving him a budget.
Thirdly, the easy availability of editing tools for little cash on the internets. This has encouraged complete morons like Minarovich to actually make films. In the past, this wouldn’t have been possible.
Fourthly, the rise of the remake. Why bother making a low rent new film when you can make a low rent rehash with a brand name?
So, depressing shit aside- here’s my picks of the decade- all good fun, and all entertaining in their low rent way. In no particular order:
Previously reviewed here
It’s impossible to hate this film simply because it’s about zombies and strippers.
Ridiculously entertaining stuff featuring the role Jenna Jameson was born to play. Mostly deliberately funny, but a big gold star goes to Schlock king Robert Englund for a performance far better than a film called Zombie Strippers deserves.
The second list of mine that this film makes it on to. Simply because it’s one of my favourite films.
A superb horror-comedy with terrible werewolf effects, but they’re more than made up for by top draw performances from Kevin McKidd, Sean Pertwee and a script that simply sparkles.
“They think it’s all over- it is now” is one of the single funniest lines in cinema history- and the luck they had with being able to use England actually beating Germany 5-1 as the only headline more unlikely than “Werewolves ate my platoon” on the supermarket tabloid is just a hilarious cherry on a very funny cake.
Neil Marshall’s love letter to early 80’s low-budget classics such as Escape From New York and Mad Max. Needless to say, it isn’t a fration as good as either of those.
Nevertheless, it’s a batshit insane ride, with loads of enjoyment and more fun than a barrel load of monkeys. The whole film is worth it for the scene where the Cannibals come out.
Not to mention the fact that Rhona Mitra looks eminently fuckable in it.
Another one that made it on to another list, but I don’t care. This is a superb horror comedy from the land where men are men and sheep are worried.
A cracking script, reasonable special effects and a superb premise all combine to create two hours of solid fun.
I had to put this somewhere, because I loved it when I first saw it. Hilarious Japanese chop-socky nonsense, complete with shite acting, brutal violence, and schoolgirls that are blatantly 25.
No cliché goes unmined, and this is exploitation cinema at it’s finest. Even the characters are laughably over the top- the main girl shrugs off all grievous bodily harm, including amputations, and still comes back to kick the Yakuza douchebag’s ass.
Leprechaun in the Hood
Simply the greatest schlock film of the decade. Giant amongst midgets Warwick Davis is on sparkling form, but this time he’s assisted by a superb performance from Ice-T as Mack Daddy Onassis, the worst rappers in the history of hip-hop and some zombie ho’s.
It also has the most amusing cameo in history- for shame Coolio!
All bar one of the Leprechaun films are more golden than a crock of gold, but this one is arguably the best- especially as it’s the only one to feature “Leprechaun for Dummies”
Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer
I’ve thought about reviewing this one for the Vault, but I would probably need to go back and rewatch it. However, seeing as this is a little capsule review, I’ve got no qualms about including it here.
It’s great fun. Simple as that. Watching humble plumber Jack try to manage his anger issues, whilst being on the receiving end of the most provoking garbage I’ve ever seen is ceaselessly amusing. Especially when his temper snaps and he punches people in the throat- even his therapist is scared of him.
It also features another brilliant schlock performance from Englund, and a terrible animatronic muppet as the demon.
Hilarious, and highly recommended.
Starship Troopers 3: Marauder
Look, this obviously was never going to reach the heights of the original. However, it is true to the spirit of the original and damned entertaining in its own brainless fashion.
Particular highlights include the singing Sky Marshall (possibly the stupidest thing ever put on screen) and the satirical adverts- which aren’t quite as good as the original’s or those in Robocop, but are still funny nonetheless.
Let’s go crack a planet, indeed.
My Name is Bruce
No list of schlock would be complete without at least one appearance from the largest chin in Hollywood. Unfortunately, Bruce tends to appear in unwatchable shite.
This is the exception. The first half in particular where he’s fat, sleazy, rude to Evil Dead fans and out of shape is absolutely cracking, and although the second half can’t carry it on, this is a fun and entertaining ride.
Three words, people: Nazi. Snow. Zombies.
I am going to review this one in full next week, as I only saw it very recently, but I have to say that it’s a giddy little zombie film.
This is a film that defies proper criticism, simply because it’s about Nazi snow zombies and is therefore good by definition. What I didn’t expect though, was how well thought out it is. There’s no postmodernism here, it’s just a highly entertaining low brow chucklefest.
Jesus Christ plays an alien, Ron Perlman and John Hurt play vikings and everybody has to fight a monster with more flashing lights than a Christmas tree.
Another unbelievably moronic film, but this actually makes my best of the year (given that it was released in 2009 in this country) and I did consider it for the best of the decade.
Criminally shafted by the Weinstein brothers, OUTLANDER is a true gem and it pisses me off something chronic that nobody has seen it.
And now for the films that I warn you not only to avoid, but if you are unfortunate enough to end up with them in your possession you are compelled to melt them to save humanity. These are that bad:
Fuck I hate this film.
Unwatchable shit that wastes a brilliant premise. Fuck all of them.
If you require more information about this heinous sack of crap then here’s my full review of it. I do suggest, however, that you take my advice and avoid this bollocks like the plague.
Fuck them all.
I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer
Fucking Australia. The world’s largest prison, full of evolutionary dead ends, and the fucking place spawned Moonwolves’ baton dropper in chief: Droid.
However, even given all of the above, nothing it has been responsible for is quite as piss poor as this.
To begin with, it’s got nothing at all to do with the I know films, and not a lot more to do with cricket.
What it is, is a fucking nutless wonder murdering the men that castrated him as a child. It’s dull, relentlessly irritating, there’s a daft incest subplot and it’s just shit.
It was directed by a woman, thus proving once and for all that women can be every bit as clueless as we can. However, she also casts herself in the lead, and includes a nude shower scene (which is quite watchable, to be fair). She wasn’t completely dense though, and cast Miss Hustler of Australia as her body double. It’s quite the most gratuitous piece of nudity that I’ve seen in a long time.
Doesn’t save the film though.
Head Cheerleader, Dead Cheerleader
Previously Reviewed here
Fucking unwatchable load of shit. The only good thing about it is the opening credits, but after that it’s as much fun as nipple clamps.
A film I never want to see again and one that makes me feel irrationally violent towards the makers.
Fuck this shit. Useless incompetent cunts.
Die You Zombie Bastards
No. Don’t die you zombie bastards- Die you fuckheads for making this shit and thereby soiling a superb title.
Some films are merely bad. Some films are messy. Some films are confused. Some films are incompetent. Some films are annoying. Some films out stay their welcome.
This is that rare beast that has fucking ALL of these features- it’s fucking mind-numbingly annoying one note shit that lasts forever.
I’ve just discovered that it was financed by a porn studio that had access to some horror movie props, and you can tell. What I’m really disgusted to discover is that Troma’s own Lloyd Kaufmann had something to do with it.
The only possible reason to reason to watch this is if you are completely fucking retarded and think that it’s actually a good idea to cut out your own spleen and think it’s funny watching a cretin with a bad rubber mask hammer his (fake) cock.
Just look at the calibre of fan that this garbage attracts:
this movie is mental. very low-budget. great fun. a similar style to the troma films.
if u like silly horror/zombie films with loads of boobs with nonsense story lines then this is for u.
a gud one for a drunken nite in with ya mates.
but avoid if taken acid, it wud probs be too much to handle haha
Fucking useless inbred cunt. Even if he’s 14 that’s no fucking excuse.
One of the worst films I’ve ever seen.
Anyhoo, that’s me done with this list.