From the Vault: Schlock in the 21st Century

This century hasn’t been kind to schlock. Needless to say, here’s a list of some I recommend and some I really, really don’t. Some of these I’ve already reviewed, some I haven’t. It’s not a top ten, rather just films from the bargain bucket that I think are worth a look.

I blame a few things for the decline in low rent fun: firstly the rise of CGI. This has meant that shitty special effects are now shitty computer generated special effects and therefore look more fake and are more annoying without being anywhere near as amusing.

Secondly, the rise of hacks working on big budget material. We all know that the rightful home of Emmerich is in making shitty low rent action stuff starring Dolph, but for some inexplicable reason people keep giving him a budget.

Thirdly, the easy availability of editing tools for little cash on the internets. This has encouraged complete morons like Minarovich to actually make films. In the past, this wouldn’t have been possible.

Fourthly, the rise of the remake. Why bother making a low rent new film when you can make a low rent rehash with a brand name?

So, depressing shit aside- here’s my picks of the decade- all good fun, and all entertaining in their low rent way. In no particular order:

Zombie Strippers

Previously reviewed here

It’s impossible to hate this film simply because it’s about zombies and strippers.

Ridiculously entertaining stuff featuring the role Jenna Jameson was born to play. Mostly deliberately funny, but a big gold star goes to Schlock king Robert Englund for a performance far better than a film called Zombie Strippers deserves.

Dog Soldiers

The second list of mine that this film makes it on to. Simply because it’s one of my favourite films.

A superb horror-comedy with terrible werewolf effects, but they’re more than made up for by top draw performances from Kevin McKidd, Sean Pertwee and a script that simply sparkles.

“They think it’s all over- it is now” is one of the single funniest lines in cinema history- and the luck they had with being able to use England actually beating Germany 5-1 as the only headline more unlikely than “Werewolves ate my platoon”  on the supermarket tabloid is just a hilarious cherry on a very funny cake.

Doomsday

Neil Marshall’s love letter to early 80’s low-budget classics such as Escape From New York and Mad Max. Needless to say, it isn’t a fration as good as either of those.

Nevertheless, it’s a batshit insane ride, with loads of enjoyment and more fun than a barrel load of monkeys. The whole film is worth it for the scene where the Cannibals come out.

Not to mention the fact that Rhona Mitra looks eminently fuckable in it.

Black Sheep

Another one that made it on to another list, but I don’t care. This is a superb horror comedy from the land where men are men and sheep are worried.

A cracking script, reasonable special effects and a superb premise all combine to create two hours of solid fun.

Machine Girl

I had to put this somewhere, because I loved it when I first saw it. Hilarious Japanese chop-socky nonsense, complete with shite acting, brutal violence, and schoolgirls that are blatantly 25.

No cliché goes unmined, and this is exploitation cinema at it’s finest. Even the characters are laughably over the top- the main girl shrugs off all grievous bodily harm, including amputations, and still comes back to kick the Yakuza douchebag’s ass.

Top fun.

Leprechaun in the Hood

Simply the greatest schlock film of the decade.  Giant amongst midgets Warwick Davis is on sparkling form, but this time he’s assisted by a superb performance from Ice-T as Mack Daddy Onassis, the worst rappers in the history of hip-hop and some zombie ho’s.

It also has the most amusing cameo in history- for shame Coolio!

All bar one of the Leprechaun films are more golden than a crock of gold, but this one is arguably the best- especially as it’s the only one to feature “Leprechaun for Dummies”

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer

I’ve thought about reviewing this one for the Vault, but I would probably need to go back and rewatch it. However, seeing as this is a little capsule review, I’ve got no qualms about including it here.

It’s great fun. Simple as that. Watching humble plumber Jack try to manage his anger issues, whilst being on the receiving end of the most provoking garbage I’ve ever seen is ceaselessly amusing. Especially when his temper snaps and he punches people in the throat- even his therapist is scared of him.

It also features another brilliant schlock performance from Englund, and a terrible animatronic muppet as the demon.

Hilarious, and highly recommended.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder

Look, this obviously was never going to reach the heights of the original. However, it is true to the spirit of the original and damned entertaining in its own brainless fashion.

Particular highlights include the singing Sky Marshall (possibly the stupidest thing ever put on screen) and the satirical adverts- which aren’t quite as good as the original’s or those in Robocop, but are still funny nonetheless.

Let’s go crack a planet, indeed.

My Name is Bruce

No list of schlock would be complete without at least one appearance from the largest chin in Hollywood. Unfortunately, Bruce tends to appear in unwatchable shite.

This is the exception. The first half in particular where he’s fat, sleazy, rude to Evil Dead fans and out of shape is absolutely cracking, and although the second half can’t carry it on, this is a fun and entertaining ride.

Dead Snow

Three words, people: Nazi. Snow. Zombies.

I am going to review this one in full next week, as I only saw it very recently, but I have to say that it’s a giddy little zombie film.

This is a film that defies proper criticism, simply because it’s about Nazi snow zombies and is therefore good by definition. What I didn’t expect though, was how well thought out it is. There’s no postmodernism here, it’s just a highly entertaining low brow chucklefest.

Recommended.

Outlander

MOTHERFUCKERS!

Jesus Christ plays an alien, Ron Perlman and John Hurt play vikings and everybody has to fight a monster with more flashing lights than a Christmas tree.

Another unbelievably moronic film, but this actually makes my best of the year (given that it was released in 2009 in this country) and I did consider it for the best of the decade.

Criminally shafted by the Weinstein brothers, OUTLANDER is a true gem and it pisses me off something chronic that nobody has seen it.

FOR OUTLANDER!!!!

And now for the films that I warn you not only to avoid, but if you are unfortunate enough to end up with them in your possession you are compelled to melt them to save humanity. These are that bad:

Ankle Biters

Fuck I hate this film.

Unwatchable shit that wastes a brilliant premise. Fuck all of them.

If you require more information about this heinous sack of crap then here’s my full review of it. I do suggest, however, that you take my advice and avoid this bollocks like the plague.

Fuck them all.

I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer

Fucking Australia. The world’s largest prison, full of evolutionary dead ends, and the fucking place spawned Moonwolves’ baton dropper in chief: Droid.

However, even given all of the above, nothing it has been responsible for is quite as piss poor as this.

To begin with, it’s got nothing at all to do with the I know films, and not a lot more to do with cricket.

What it is, is a fucking nutless wonder murdering the men that castrated him as a child. It’s dull, relentlessly irritating, there’s a daft incest subplot and it’s just shit.

It was directed by a woman, thus proving once and for all that women can be every bit as clueless as we can. However, she also casts herself in the lead, and includes a nude shower scene (which is quite watchable, to be fair). She wasn’t completely dense though, and cast Miss Hustler of Australia as her body double. It’s quite the most gratuitous piece of nudity that I’ve seen in a long time.

Doesn’t save the film though.

Head Cheerleader, Dead Cheerleader

Previously Reviewed here

Fucking unwatchable load of shit. The only good thing about it is the opening credits, but after that it’s as much fun as nipple clamps.

A film I never want to see again and one that makes me feel irrationally violent towards the makers.

Fuck this shit. Useless incompetent cunts.

Die You Zombie Bastards

No. Don’t die you zombie bastards- Die you fuckheads for making this shit and thereby soiling a superb title.

Some films are merely bad. Some films are messy. Some films are confused. Some films are incompetent. Some films are annoying. Some films out stay their welcome.

This is that rare beast that has fucking ALL of these features- it’s fucking mind-numbingly annoying one note shit that lasts forever.

I’ve just discovered that it was financed by a porn studio that had access to some horror movie props, and you can tell. What I’m really disgusted to discover is that Troma’s own Lloyd Kaufmann had something to do with it.

The only possible reason to reason to watch this is if you are completely fucking retarded and think that it’s actually a good idea to cut out your own spleen and think it’s funny watching a cretin with a bad rubber mask hammer his (fake) cock.

Just look at the calibre of fan that this garbage attracts:

this movie is mental. very low-budget. great fun. a similar style to the troma films.

if u like silly horror/zombie films with loads of boobs with nonsense story lines then this is for u.

a gud one for a drunken nite in with ya mates.

but avoid if taken acid, it wud probs be too much to handle haha

Fucking useless inbred cunt. Even if he’s 14 that’s no fucking excuse.

One of the worst films I’ve ever seen.

Anyhoo, that’s me done with this list.

Ciao

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

40 responses to “From the Vault: Schlock in the 21st Century”

  1. koutchboom says :

    I guess the fact it got a shitty release I’ll except Outlander as Schlock. But based on pure acting alone its not schlock.

    Its the only film I’ve seen John Hurt show that he is still alive, in like the last 10 or so years.

  2. Jarv says :

    That’s why I included it- it’s clearly a quality film, but it was basically straight to DVD.

    • koutchboom says :

      Yeah but THIS GUY got to see it in theaters.

      • Jarv says :

        I saw it in the Cinema.

        I owned it, but went anyway.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah luckily I saw it in theater before I got a copy. Also it was weird it was in the shitty theater (not the Dollar theater, just the old theater). Also the owner of the theater showed Conan like a couple weeks later, I think he’s got a thing for those movies.

        I was pissed though because I asked if I could get the posters for the movie. But they said no ‘we give them to schools and the workers’ I was like fuck that none of them are going to want that poster.

  3. koutchboom says :

    Its funny the Doomsday owes a lot to the movie I watched last night Beowulf.

  4. Jarv says :

    You reckon?

  5. Droid says :

    Fuck off. Cunt.

    By the way, I thought you were quoting your review when I initially read the “this movie is mental” quote. That’s what you sound like.

  6. Droid says :

    Doomsday is absolute garbage and is borderline unwatchable. The aforementioned Rhona Mitra is the only reason to watch it.

  7. Jarv says :

    It’s a real marmite film- you either love it or hate it.

  8. Jarv says :

    Oh poor ignorami.

    Friday, I shall be in Spain.

    • Droid says :

      Poor old Spain. What did they ever do to deserve you?

    • Jarv says :

      They got massively lucky.

      Anyway, while your sitting in work next week plotting how to spend your unearned bonus, I shall be somewhere warm, chilling out and wondering whether or not to get 2 beers on my next trip to the fridge to save the effort of going again.

  9. Jarv says :

    I really should have tagged this Emma Stone Zombieland, but I didn’t want to.

  10. Continentalop says :

    Not to hijack the subject, but the Hollywood Reporter just listed Cokey McFrankenhead’s best of 2009. He listed 8 movies:

    1. JJ Abrams’ Star Trek
    2. Sam Raimi’s Drag Me To Hell
    3. Judd Apatow’s Funny People
    4. Jason Reitman’s Up in the Air
    5. Prachya Pinkaew’s Chocolate
    6. Jody Hill’s Observe and Report
    7. Lee Daniels’ Precious
    8. Lone Scherfig’s An Education

    Pretty pedestrian if you ask me. But you got to love that #1 pick because you know certain heads will explode.

    • koutchboom says :

      Jeez talk about LATE TO THE PARTY. Already talked about that in the Rec Room.

      Hahaha just fucking with you. I think he’s trying to come off as a typical critic to get more votes since he’s got Oscar buzz right now.

      But Conti, he favorite movie in the past 20 years I think was Battle Royale?????

      • koutchboom says :

        And I think the two Rogen picks are more supicious then Trek. Its like he’s trying to bait Rogen into doing a movie with him.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      AHHHHH!!! There’s Much Love for Cokey in Almada Tonite!!!!

  11. Continentalop says :

    Yeah, but Boom, the rest of his list for past decade was also pretty standard and very mainstream. I’m not saying that he didn’t choose good picks, but his top 10 is like 180 degrees different from the types of movies he makes (save for BR).

  12. Continentalop says :

    And I’m not knocking the Trek pick. Haven’t seen it yet. I’m just laughing as I think of a certain tber from Portuguese who thinks QT is a genius, when he sees that list. I hope Nolan picks Trek as well.

  13. Continentalop says :

    Australia gave us AC/DC, and for that I am eternally grateful.

    The also gave us Yahoo Serious, and I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck was that all about.

  14. lord bronco says :

    Fake Imax map from Danny glover on AIBN–http://tinyurl.com/qkwt67

    Oh-and Willow is an atrocious piece of–ooops wrong forum.

  15. Jarv says :

    It did feel a lot like an origin story- I liked it, and reckon it’s definately worth a look.

    Did you not laugh when he punched that douchebag in the neck? Or Englund’s gross performance as the slobbering posessed professor?

  16. just pillow talk says :

    I’ve still got to see Outlander (curse me!) and My Name is Bruce.

    I fear The Chin is very angry with me.

  17. Jarv says :

    For shame, brother pillows.

    Remove finger from ass and watch the mighty OUTLANDER immediately.

  18. ThereWolf says :

    I fucking love Doomsday – and Dog Soldiers for that matter.

    FOR OUTLANDER!

    It’s never schlock though, surely… It’s production values are too high (looks proper mint on blu-ray). Mind you, could say that about the two above. Can’t wait to see Dead Snow – it’s on the ‘to buy’ list.

  19. Jarv says :

    It’s more that it got shafted on release- I did sort of cheat to include it.

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