THE BLIND SIDE


Root canals, tattoo removal, bikini waxing, piercings. Oh, sorry. Thinking out loud what I would rather endure than watch The Blind Side again. You’ve often heard people say there goes 2 hours of my life I’ll never get back? Let me tell you, it’s exactly 2 hours and 8 minutes of mine that are gone, gone, gone forever and I ain’t happy.


The short take is a well off white southern family, father, mother, teenage daughter and precocious son, take in a LARGE black homeless kid off the streets and give him all the opportunities their wealth and status allows. Good overcomes all obstacles, the young man blossoms and eventually becomes a pro ball player. Ta-da!

It’s been noted elsewhere on this site that Ms Bullock seemed to be going for a Mrs. Coach blond look from the most excellent Friday Night Lights TV show. It was decided between the lot of us that this was probably true since if you’re going to steal, steal from the best. On seeing the movie, she’s actually going for a wealthy Gucci sun glass wearing, BMW driving, former Ole Miss cheerleader and well tended wife of a multiple Taco Bell franchise owner husband. I mention these things because although the movie has Tim McGraw as the husband and Quinton Aaron as Michael Oher, the whole reason for the film, it’s Ms Bullock that the movie centers on. And she’s a take charge kind of gal that marches onto the field during practice to tell Mr. Aaron how to play football and who telephones the coach during the game to tell him how to play her “son”. Another time she takes on a group of badass gun totin’ gangsta types telling them she doesn’t take lip from anyone and that she packs her own heat in the form of a Saturday night special that can shoot on other days of the week as well. Yep, our little Sandy is a firebrand. Sandy. Baby. It’s me, Barfy. For the love of all that’s holy, let others have more story! Mr. Aaron and Mr. McGraw may be fine actors but you’ll never know from this film since, although they are main characters, they barely have any dialogue. Mr. McGraw has the usual sitcom-ish supportive husband chit chat and Mr. Aaron has mumbling one word answers throughout until, of course, the big payoff at the end when he suddenly become articulate and can defend his situation. I tell ya’ it’s a miracle.

Truly this film is nothing more than a stretched out network tv movie of the week but as PT Barnum said you can never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public. Shit howdy, either the public is dumber than wood or they’re desperate for absolutely anything to see on a screen. That’s the only explanation I have for the film taking in $135 million since November 20th.

I’m going to cut this review short not because I couldn’t go on forever about how bad the movie is but as to not inflict any more pain on you, my pals. I’m still trying to get the sickly sweet saccharine taste from my mouth and the sounds of Ms Bullock’s southern drawl from my head. And lest you think I’m just cranky and curmudgeonly, it’s December, it’s the holiday season, I enjoy watching Love Actually, can be easily manipulated to tears (I cried during The Dam Busters of all movies) and I’m a just a big softie. But trust me, this film sucks the great big green ones.

As for me, I’m going back to listening to George Strait’s Livin’ for the Night. It’s been that kind of day.

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33 responses to “THE BLIND SIDE”

  1. Droid says :

    Shit howdy, either the public is dumber than wood or they’re desperate for absolutely anything to see on a screen.

    I’m going for dumber than wood! hehe

    Good review, Barfy. I’ve been wondering about this flick, as it’s directed by John Lee Hancock, who made “The Rookie”, which is excellent. I’ll try to avoid it as best I can.

  2. Droid says :

    There’s an automatically generated link at the bottom named….

    ‘The Blind Side’ Movie Review (BEWARE of EPIC SPOILERS)

    Now, I realise some people aren’t as familiar with the machinations of plot as we are, but who the fuck doesn’t know EXACTLY what will happen before watching this movie?

    Barfy, maybe you should revise the title of your review to include a spoiler warning. After all, you did say…

    Good overcomes all obstacles, the young man blossoms and eventually becomes a pro ball player. Ta-da!

    The movies ruined for me now.

  3. Droid says :

    I’m still trying to get the sickly sweet saccharine taste from my mouth

    See, Koutch? People DO use the word saccharine! Maybe it’s just you, mate.

  4. Droid says :

    One more thing, I had a good chuckle that you tagged ‘Taco Bell’. Well played, Barfy. Well played.

  5. Tom_Bando says :

    *I’d rather see the Ray Lewis story. You know You do, too.

    *I like Sandra Bullock. Yeah I know.

    *Denver had a DT named Kenny Walker who was deaf I can remember, for what it’s worth.

    *Sounds like an okay rental.

    • herr milflover says :

      I like Sandra Bullock too.
      She’s cute, funny, and she nabbed Jesse James -and his kid- from his former wife pornstar Janine Lindemulder so she must be pretty good in bed too.

      That doesnt mean I’m gonna watch every piece of crap movie she makes, which she’s been on an extended streak of for the past 10 years.

  6. M. Blitz says :

    Nice review. One of these movies. Good aka money overcomes all obstacles! And black kids are like wounded puppies to rich white women. Though, seeing Sandra getting sassy with a southern accent about how she doesn’t take any lip sounds entertaining, at least in that gawk-at-the-screen sort of sense. Does she take any sweet pratfalls? What up with her this year?

    I watched Field of Dreams on the Gospel Music Channel last night. I’d forgotten how jarring it is when the day-saving magic culminates with mystical capitalism….”people will come……and they won’t know why…..and you say, sure you can come, it ONLY COSTS $20……and they will hand over the cash, not really knowing what they are doing…..because they are sad and nostalgic, and you can totally profit from that.” Then they make up for it when Costco has a catch with his pops, and we all get teary-eyed, and the movie’s over. And yet, I kind of love that movie.

    Damn, if THIS movie was about baseball instead of football, I’d probably cast a much more charitable eye it’s way, I can’t help it, baseball movies have that effect on me. But it’s not, sooooo……way to take one for the team, Barfy!

  7. xiphos0311 says :

    Part of the reason this movie made so much cash is the religious angle. People tend to flock towards things that affirm their own beliefs. Look at the cult of Big Jim “fists of fury, Smack an uppity bitch” Cameron or any of the other mystical figures out there.

  8. lord bronco says :

    Great to hear from You Barfles-Great review of pablum! It makes me embarrased to be an American when stuff like this hits mega-profitability…Reading this review, It sounds like Sarah Palin: The Movie. Another mythological egocentric narcissist whos playing to religious yokels. I have friends, a few that are what I would typify as “Cool Christians”, but our whole country in some ways is more draconian than a lot of the Middle Eastern Ones.

    Anyway, not to get political, because that stuff gives me a headache-but very nice review-you’ have boldy gone into the realm of suck/fail. I will avoid

  9. xiphos0311 says :

    some ways is more draconian than a lot of the Middle Eastern Ones.

    Really, in what way? Because if you even can come up with one legitimate example I would be surprised.

    • lord bronco says :

      American States banned cigarette smoking in all indoor restaurants/bars 3 years before this stupid trend has headed to Turkey this year.

      I propose that most bars should ban smoking and receive tax breaks for doing so, but to have absolutely no smoking and drinking in any social situation, ever-It’s bloody wrong, mate.

      Now the bloody Muslims are doing it as well-and those guys smoke like chimneys-god bless ’em.

      If I wanted to be banned from smoking cigarettes outdoors, I’d bloody move to Asia-and watch the entire world declare war on combustible materials outdoors because they *might* start forest fires.

      Respect!

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Weren’t most of these dopey anti smoking laws voted in? Or was that in states that still treat it’s citizens like citizens and not slaves to be beaten? So I guess California, Maryland New York imposed it. Arizona it was voted in. Still dumb but the tryanny of the majority is how these things work.

      • Continentalop says :

        And how does banning smoking have anything to do with Christianity or religious nuts? Wasn’t that what you were implying before?

    • lord bronco says :

      Its the AMA/bloody corporate medical hand-wringing wimps that are now banning smoking outdoors as well. Their preachy, sanctimonius bullshit is attempting to ban smoking in/or on all public property-it’s fucking ridiculous. Rant off-Oregon has also banned this this state-wide in restaurants/bars. *rant off*

      • M. Blitz says :

        Smoking bans in bars are stupid. If a particular bar wants to ban smoking, fine. But all of ’em? And banning smoking outside?? Eff that, I say. Best be banning cars as well, if the smoke from my cigarette is so offensive. Grrrrr…….

        Thankfully, there are still bars that don’t give a shit. I just can’t get comfortable in a smokeless bar. Drives me into the alleyway or by the river’s side, like I was a fucking teenager again….

      • xiphos0311 says :

        The big problem with smoking in bars bans is the unconstitutionality of it. These “laws” piss on the concept of private property and freedom of assembly. That’s what gets me.

  10. ThereWolf says :

    Maybe you need to see it again. Perhaps you missed some of the subtleties of performance…

  11. Continentalop says :

    The really sad thing is my parents saw this and loved this. More evidence that I was adopted.

  12. xiphos0311 says :

    I think when Jonah reads this he’ll have a different take.

    I was watching the Steelers Raven’s game on ESPN a week or so ago and the announcers just had to get into the Oher story. The meatball hosts said that Oher was pissed that the writers chose to portray him as not knowing anything about football. He’s been playing since he was eight.

  13. jarv says :

    Good stuff- but nobody enjoys Turd Actually. It’s impossible

  14. lord bronco says :

    You know what the poster reminds me of? Them walking into the heavenly afterlife-the glowing, pure light of righteous NFL Sponsorships and corporate Endorsements. There is money in heaven…pounds and pounds and bales of it. But only if you are a good Christian, and play football. Only then may you be saved brothers and sisters. Praise Jesus-Hallelujah!!!

  15. Toadkillerdog says :

    Barfy, I have met women exactly like the woman Ms Buttock er, Bullock i splaying. They have an air of entitlement about them combined with the Southern Belle syndrome (real or imagined) that makes them feel like they can or should be able to dominate situations with impunity. Their husbands and friends tend to be amused by them off or ignore them, but those unfamiliar will either be put off or will do exactly as they say because they are not used to it.

    It can also be a very seductive thing when a woman has that kind of confidence -and the time and money to keep her body in shape!

  16. Bartleby says :

    Xi, you are right. I have a different take, but as usual with you guys, I get where you are coming from.

    For instance you can read my review and Barfy’s and tell we saw the same movie. I don’t even disagree exactly with most of the points. And I’ll put up front right now that simply because I am religious it didn’t give this movie a pass. For one thing, outside of the general altruism on display in the real story (it’s there, but as I point out in my review Bullock’s character is not it’s catalyst in reality) there’s not much ‘christian’ anything on display. Yes, it may be enough to get Focus on the Family behind it, but thats about it.

    For me, it worked as the family movie it was aspiring to be. But Id argue that it isn’t insipid, mean spirited or truly condescending. I THINK we have seen enough movies like that to label this one that way, but honestly, if you did that then you’d be finding similar flaws all the way through stuff like Remember the Titans and We Are Marshall (and yes, The Rookie) and so on and so forth. If you did, that’s fine. Me, I liked those and I liked this one.

    Does it follow the typical formula? Yes. I think the black man following the white gal around like a puppy is a bit much. I found it to work, in the same way the Rookie worked. Is it aimed at a demographic? sure, it is, but pretty much everything save for maybe a couple of documentaries are being made for demographics.

    Now, maybe it’s because I’ve been seeing about twice as many movies a week as everyone else on here, and most of them are pretty crappy (I saw this one sandwiched in between New Moon and Old Dogs) but I couldn’t properly bear this one ill will. There’s some good acting in here and I thought the movie was satisfying at the level it’s being pitched. I think it avoids being saccahrine however.

    For what it’s worth, this was my review:

    http://cinematropolis.wordpress.com/2009/11/21/movie-review-hancock-finds-the-sunny-side-of-ohers-story/

  17. Bartleby says :

    that should have been “I think labeling it as the black man following the white woman around”. I don’t think it’s exactly like that in the film. Most of the time, I’m pretty hair-trigger about pure schmaltz, or condescension. Barfy’s comment about tv movie of the week is correct, but the reason I don’t like tv movies of the week aren’t their content, it’s their execution. Hancock has the execution down in my book.

    • M. Blitz says :

      I think you are responding somewhat to my comment. I didn’t intend it to be read as “the black man following the white woman around” in any way. I was more commenting on the notion, in movies, of a rich white women finding a poor black child to tend to AS IF the child WAS a wounded puppy, or to put it another way, a problem for her to “solve” with her wealth and standing.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        I’m more the willing to follow a rich white women (or any women for that matter) if she’s willing to buy me stuff. I need saving! I’m wounded literally, I had a lousy upbringing after age 12! I AM A CANDIDATE FOR RESCUE!

      • Bartleby says :

        I think I’d watch that movie. Rich white woman starts trying to maternally nurture crusty jaded Marine. Film reaches the emotional and thoughtprovoking climax when he wants to breastfeed.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        I’d love to see the part of that movie where the rich, tasty, cougarlicious chick pays for the crusty jaded Marines trip to the north shore of Hawaii for the purpose of surfing the big waves; thus relieving said Marine of paying for his trip himself.

  18. xiphos0311 says :

    I figure you would see it differently Jonah. I have no real opinion seeing as how I have not watched the movie but generally with sports movies the execution is the key to if it works or not.

    Look at the difference between the original Bad News Bears, FNL the movie or even The Sandlot(screw anybody that doesn’t think this is a GREAT sports movie) and horrible cliche ridden crap like Ladybugs, The Bad News Bears remake or Radio.

    • M. Blitz says :

      Yeah, I feel guilty now. I sure as shit haven’t seen this movie, and know next to nothing about it. I was just letting my cynicism fill in the blanks!

      Re: “I AM A CANDIDATE FOR RESCUE!” ……join the club, Xi! We also have identical typos in those posts. Maybe somebody can save us from that as well….

  19. MORBIUS says :

    This movie shuld have been sponsored by Gerbers. Predictble, Formulaic, Sappy, your review confirmed exactly why I avoided this movie. The Proposal and All About Steve were passable fare for Sandra (Ms Buttock, nice TKD). If there is shame in liking Love Actually, I shame myself every Christmas, sometimes in the summer too.

    • MORBIUS says :

      Barfy

      The scene where Emma Thompson’s character opens her Christman Present, gets me every time, and of course you get Billy Mack. Whats NOT to like?

    • MORBIUS says :

      Doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all. Happy New Year Barfy! *confetti* *party hats* *noisemakers* * a bit of the bubbly* CHEERS!

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