THE BLIND SIDE
Root canals, tattoo removal, bikini waxing, piercings. Oh, sorry. Thinking out loud what I would rather endure than watch The Blind Side again. You’ve often heard people say there goes 2 hours of my life I’ll never get back? Let me tell you, it’s exactly 2 hours and 8 minutes of mine that are gone, gone, gone forever and I ain’t happy.
The short take is a well off white southern family, father, mother, teenage daughter and precocious son, take in a LARGE black homeless kid off the streets and give him all the opportunities their wealth and status allows. Good overcomes all obstacles, the young man blossoms and eventually becomes a pro ball player. Ta-da!
It’s been noted elsewhere on this site that Ms Bullock seemed to be going for a Mrs. Coach blond look from the most excellent Friday Night Lights TV show. It was decided between the lot of us that this was probably true since if you’re going to steal, steal from the best. On seeing the movie, she’s actually going for a wealthy Gucci sun glass wearing, BMW driving, former Ole Miss cheerleader and well tended wife of a multiple Taco Bell franchise owner husband. I mention these things because although the movie has Tim McGraw as the husband and Quinton Aaron as Michael Oher, the whole reason for the film, it’s Ms Bullock that the movie centers on. And she’s a take charge kind of gal that marches onto the field during practice to tell Mr. Aaron how to play football and who telephones the coach during the game to tell him how to play her “son”. Another time she takes on a group of badass gun totin’ gangsta types telling them she doesn’t take lip from anyone and that she packs her own heat in the form of a Saturday night special that can shoot on other days of the week as well. Yep, our little Sandy is a firebrand. Sandy. Baby. It’s me, Barfy. For the love of all that’s holy, let others have more story! Mr. Aaron and Mr. McGraw may be fine actors but you’ll never know from this film since, although they are main characters, they barely have any dialogue. Mr. McGraw has the usual sitcom-ish supportive husband chit chat and Mr. Aaron has mumbling one word answers throughout until, of course, the big payoff at the end when he suddenly become articulate and can defend his situation. I tell ya’ it’s a miracle.
Truly this film is nothing more than a stretched out network tv movie of the week but as PT Barnum said you can never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public. Shit howdy, either the public is dumber than wood or they’re desperate for absolutely anything to see on a screen. That’s the only explanation I have for the film taking in $135 million since November 20th.
I’m going to cut this review short not because I couldn’t go on forever about how bad the movie is but as to not inflict any more pain on you, my pals. I’m still trying to get the sickly sweet saccharine taste from my mouth and the sounds of Ms Bullock’s southern drawl from my head. And lest you think I’m just cranky and curmudgeonly, it’s December, it’s the holiday season, I enjoy watching Love Actually, can be easily manipulated to tears (I cried during The Dam Busters of all movies) and I’m a just a big softie. But trust me, this film sucks the great big green ones.
As for me, I’m going back to listening to George Strait’s Livin’ for the Night. It’s been that kind of day.