Never Mind The Bollocks: Here’s Jarv’s Best of the British Empire.

Right, bastards.

Back to Blighty now and here’s my best British films (with some help from the colonies) of the decade.

I was stunned by this. Seriously. I was under the belief that the British Film industry is in the fucking doldrums, and terminally knackered forever, but that isn’t the case. Most of the industry is in the doldrums but there’s a talented group of directors and writers out there that churn out at least one top-notch film every year. Stunning.

I could quite easily have done a top 20 for this one, but instead I’m going to hand out an Honourable mention and a top 10 with a dishonourable mention to finish off.

So with no further ado- here we go:

Honourable Mention

Snatch (2000)

Remember when Guy Richie didn’t suck like a toothless hooker desperate for a fix?

An excellent ensemble cast having fun in a good old-fashioned crime caper. It isn’t Richie’s fault that he spawned a load of inferior imitators, however it must be said that he never got back to these heights again. Even Brad Pitt doing an accent is quite good in this.

A blast.

10) The Dish (2000-Australia)

Said it before about another film, but I’m going to say it again about this: delightful. A low key comedy about (an allegedly true story) a small group of Aussie fucknuts that somehow had the footage of the moon landing entrusted to them. A lovely little feel-good movie, with strong performances and plenty of chuckles to be had. A personal highlight is the Aussies having to impersonate Neil Armstrong to fool the US Ambassador.

No bugger has seen it, so I suggest that you go and buy it (it’s not expensive) and watch it on a Sunday afternoon.

9 ) 28 Days Later (2002- UK)

No, fuckheads, Danny Boyle did not reinvent zombie horror (I personally want to skin the critic that said that). What he did do was bang out 2/3 of an absolute monster. It’s a good film that flirts with greatness in a few sequences (the iconic London deserted scene), and is underpinned by some simply fabulous performances, especially from Naomi Harris and Brendan Gleeson.

Sadly, it is let down by a frankly daft last act, but it’s still a great film. And the sequel can fuck off forever. It really gets on my nerves when people say that it’s better than the original.

8 ) Black Sheep (2007- New Zealand)

The first schlock film to make any of my lists, and the fucking kiwi’s supply it! Check that tagline out “The violence of the lambs” in-fucking-deed.

A cracking little horror comedy that takes a national joke about their, erm, proclivities and nearly manages to make sheep scary. It doesn’t, of course, because this is actually impossible, but Black Sheep hits the funny bone deliberately and clings on like a bastard.

I laugh and laugh and laugh at this- especially “really fucked up idea about animal husbandry” and the mutant hippy sheep man.

Overall, Black Sheep is a storming little film, and I recommend it as both a schlocky horror and a legitimate comedy.

7) Touching the Void (2003-UK)

And then we supply the first documentary.

Touching the Void is the much emulated story of a climbing expedition gone disastrously wrong. Brilliantly pieced together from interviews with the 2 climbers and some gripping re-enactment footage, Touching the Void is, in my opinion, at the pinnacle of documentary making and a harrowing tale told perfectly.

6) Dog Soldiers (2001- UK)

The second schlock on my list, and the first Neil Marshall effort. I did consider Doomsday for 10th spot, but it’s just too much of a fucking mess.

Dog Soldiers is an eminently quotable rollicking little film. Yes, I know that they had the budget equivalent to a used stamp, and as such the werewolf effects blow something fierce, but for fuck’s sake- they hide the fucking things.

A top fucking film, with the most perfectly used piece of sports commentary ever as the pay-off line. Wonderful.

Oh, and I’ve just found out about the existence of a heinous fucking cash in called “Dog Soldiers 2: Fresh Meat”. I hope everyone involved in this develops severe piles.

5) Shaun of the Dead (2003- UK)

The thing that everyone forgets about this film, is how fresh it felt at the time. The Scary Movie films were already up and running and spoofing old horror with all the subtlety of an American at a wedding buffet, but Wright and Pegg’s little creation popped up and showed them how to spoof something without just regurgitating it but with added cock.

Shaun of the Dead is not scary, again, but it is spot on and very, very funny- it’s also far superior to Hot Fuzz, which tries to repeat the trick but fails dismally.

4) Sexy Beast

If you had seen the Guinness ad with the Surfer in it, then you already knew that Glazer was some great kind of visual stylist. However, even as good as that was, it isn’t a patch on his debut feature.

Sexy Beast is another UK gangster picture, but this is one with real style, panache, a great performance from Winstone (who’s never bad) and a terrifying one from Ben Kingsley.

An all-round superb film.

3) The Proposition (2003-Australia)

This Nick Cave penned outback Western is, I think, Australia’s best film of the decade.

When Guy Pierce’s outlaw (he’s come a long way from Neighbours) makes a Faustian pact with Ray Winstone’s Captain, you can see that things aren’t going to end well for anyone. It’s obvious, really.

However, The Proposition is a fine western, it’s brutal when it needs to be, tense when it needs to be, and one of the things I particularly like about it is that it doesn’t demonise any character. It would have been easy to make Winstone into a moustache-twirling villain, but instead he’s a man out of his depth watching things spiral out of control.

Simply a great film.

2) The Descent (2005- UK)

The best horror film of the noughties by a country mile. This is on my best overall list,  so will be getting a proper review then, but let me say that Marshall’s nightmare inducing sophomore film is a masterpiece of tension building.

And fuck the US ending.

And fuck the sequel.

1) This is England ( 2006- UK)

Another that I’m going to be short with because I don’t want to repeat myself, but I personally think this is one of the best films from any nation of the decade.

Maybe I’m more attached to it because I grew up in a grim northern shithole in the 80’s, but I believe that Shane Meadows’ most personal film is an accomplished little tragedy that moves me and makes me think.

Simply magnificent- this is proper cinema.

OK- I could do a load of honourable mentions for this region, but I can’t be arsed, so here’s the shithouse of the decade:

Dishonourable Mention

Love Actually (2003- UK)

A film made by people I hate for people I hate. The worst mastabatory middle class Daily Mail reading excesses of the moronic mock Tudor cretins that populate this country. This film defies description it’s so awful. It’s tooth-rottingly sentimental, and the mock coy “actually” is indicative of what a steaming sack of shit it is. As in “ooooooooh Ectually aren’t we terribly English and isn’t this sooooo fucking clever and ironic”. No cunt, it isn’t. What it is is a complete waste of time to satisfy fat housewife cunts with borderline fascist tendencies when they can’t reach the bar of Dairy Milk.

In a way , I kind of admire Curtis for this. Most people just have one shit idea and put it on screen. Not this cunt- he had about 40 ideas that range from mediocre to offensively awful and put them ALL on screen.

To think this cunt wrote Blackadder.

Richard Curtis: National disgrace- just fuck off.

Next up, it’s Latin America and Africa- probably won’t be 10, but there are some good ones on there.

Ciao

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

195 responses to “Never Mind The Bollocks: Here’s Jarv’s Best of the British Empire.”

  1. Jarv says :

    Nope.

    Made it home about 11 without soiling myself or otherwise being an embarrassment.

    I did eat a kebab though, so I must have been rubbered, and for some reason I bought a copy of Smoking Aces from Morrisons when I went to buy some fags.

    • Droid says :

      Impulse purchasing Smokin’ Aces at Morrisons at 11pm is a sure sign that you’re well and truly schnozzled.

      What a piece of shit that flick is.

  2. Jarv says :

    It was next to the till and only £2

  3. Jarv says :

    Seeing as there’s been so much whinging about this list I’m tempted to put 11-20 up as well.

  4. Droid says :

    There hasn’t really been much whinging. Just a few comments that we all get when we post our lists or reviews. I reckon you’re a bit hungover today. You’re awfully quiet and a smidge touchy.

  5. Jarv says :

    I am sitting here in sunglasses, and the slightest noise makes me want to throw up.

  6. Jarv says :

    What’s worse, though, is that I also purchased beer and for some unknown reason decided to inflict a Smokin’ Aces and Shoot ‘Em Up double bill on myself.

    I blame Mrs. Jarv. She was away at some work conference and I rely on her to stop me doing colossally stupid things like that when I’m inebriated.

    Normally I’d have alcohol induced amnesia, but those two films are so shit they’ve burnt themselves into my cortex.

    • Droid says :

      Fuck me, you poor miserable bastard. I honestly don’t know which one of those shitfests is worse. What were you thinking!?

      I rewatched one of my Top 20 last night. Bloody good flick. Trying to write a review this arvo if I get a chance.

      • Jarv says :

        What happened, was that I hadn’t seen Smokin’ Aces and so for some fucking reason decided to watch it when I got in. When it mercifully finished, I decided that I needed another Beer and there were only 2 left in the pack.

        I was thinking about it, while flicking around on the Telly, and I couldn’t remember if Shoot ‘Em Up was better or worse than it. But I did remember that Monica Belluci was a lactating hooker, so I assumed it couldn’t be that bad.

        Fuck me, was I wrong.

        In the cold light of day, I know full well that it’s a shit film. Fucking alcohol.

      • Jarv says :

        Smokin’ Aces is worse. Definitively.

        By the way.

  7. Jarv says :

    Not that Shoot ‘Em Up is in any way good. Just better than Smokin’ Aces.

    • Droid says :

      Trying to work out if Shoot ‘Em Up is better or worse than Smokin’ Aces is like trying to work out if getting kicked in the nuts by a steel capped boot is preferable to getting whacked in the testies with a cricket bat.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking Alcohol induced stupidity.

      • Droid says :

        I just can’t believe you watched them back to back. I don’t blame the alcohol. There is something seriously wrong with you. It’s been well established that Frankie is drawn to absolute shit, but I’ve never heard of him subjecting himself to a double bill as painful as this.

      • Jarv says :

        I wouldn’t have done it sober. I wanted to watch something silly and violent.

      • Droid says :

        You need to go home and self medicate an extra large dose of Kurt. Double bill Big Trouble In Little China with Escape from New York.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s what I watched last time Mrs. Jarv was away and I was pissed- it’s schlock night at Casa Del Jarv and me and a few mates are watching American Ninja 2 and Dead Snow.

        That will help.

      • Droid says :

        I haven’t seen either. I have dead snow at home. Should watch it.

    • koutchboom says :

      NO way in HELL is shoot’em up better then Somkin Aces. NO WAY. Shoot’em up is ANTI fun. You just don’t like Smokin Aces because you don’t like Jeremy Piven.

      • Droid says :

        I like Piven and I can’t stand Smokin’ Aces. I don’t like it because it’s unwatchable shit.

      • koutchboom says :

        Eh I know its nothing special. But it was mindless fun. Something Shoot’Em Up totally missed.

      • Jarv says :

        Honestly I watched them both back to back, and I can tell you why Smokin’ Aces is worse than Shoot ‘Em Up- the last half an hour.

        I was in a perfect state to find something from those films, and for most of it, it was miles ahead of Shoot Em Up, then Ace dies for no apparent reason and they decide to take his heart.

        Reynolds goes in for some anti-acting (as does Andy Garcia) but what makes it worse is that they fucking telegraph this as a plot twist and it’s so fucking lame and obvious that it’s painful.

        Not to mention the crass nosnense with the Autistic kid with the boner. Rubbish.

        I watched a bit of the making of this morning before work, and Carnahan was coked off his tits the entire time (don’t pretend he wasn’t) and it’s this lack of impulse control that fucks the film. It’s rubbish, and in no way fun. Shoot ‘Em Up is also complete shite, but it’s slightly better.

      • koutchboom says :

        My problem with Shoot’em Up is thats its a PG-13 film parading around like its some hard R film.

      • Jarv says :

        No, the “R” rating was fairly earned just for the sex scene.

        My problem with it is that it’s cretinous and repetitive. When he first kills a guy with a carrot, I was quite impressed, but he does it twice more.

      • koutchboom says :

        Really? A sex scene with no nuidty and two people going at it FULLY clothed is what goes for R these days? I see raunchier stuff on Nip/Tuck.

      • Jarv says :

        They’re not fully clothed.

        They’re naked and she clearly steps out of her knickers just before they start going at it.

        Was it censored in America?

      • Jarv says :

        Not that you see any nipple, mind, but there’s a lot of sideboob.

  8. just pillow talk says :

    Smokin Aces is horrible.

  9. koutchboom says :

    Jarv, whats wrong with Pete Tong?

  10. Jarv says :

    It’s just “meh”. I was a bit harsh on it.

    There’s nothing particularly wrong with it. I think the title annoys me- for similar reasons to Love actually.

    Late Night Shopping is quite good.

    • koutchboom says :

      Yeah the title is stupid. It was just a movie that surprised me, didn’t think it was going to get as deep as it did. I know its nothing great but its an interesting OVERCOME story.

  11. Jarv says :

    But that scene made droid uncomfortable as it was too close to his bone.

    Hehehehehe

    • koutchboom says :

      See Jason Bateman, I think Smokin Aces was the only film to show that he can do more then be the guy from Arrested Development. But I don’t get why that guy gets a pass in everything? He’s OK nothing great.

    • Jarv says :

      This is like whatshisname that we were talking about- Paul Rudd.

      OK, but seems to get constant fanboy fellatio, and I can’t for the life of me see what he’s done to earn it.

    • koutchboom says :

      Hahahaha I heard a funny joke about Paul Rudd last night on Community:

      You think religion is stupid?

      NO NO, to me religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal and I would never take it away from anyone, but I would also never stand in line for it.

    • Droid says :

      Community? Jesus christ, that’s terrible.

    • koutchboom says :

      Yeah I know, I like the British version better as well.

    • Droid says :

      Koutch, the reason Paul Rudd and jason Bateman get passes in everything is because they’re never bad in anything. Okay, they may not be genius in everything, but I’ve never seen a movie or tv show and gone ‘Fuck! Paul Rudd was shit in that’.

    • koutchboom says :

      Rudd was shit in Knocked Up.

      Bateman has never been bad sure, but his acting career is just FLAT, their are no UPs or downs. Its just annoying because whenever you read a review or hear some critic talking about something with Rudd or Bateman in it they always gotta through in the GREAT! Its something we’ve talked about to great depth over at AIBN. I should complie a list of the GREATest GREAT people in hollywood in the past decade.

      Its just people that make you go? Why the fuck is that person great? They’ve never done anything.

    • Droid says :

      Paul Rudd was fine in Knocked Up. He was also involved in the best scene of the movie, which was the vegas scene.

      Jason Bateman starred in Arrested Development, which would be Top 3 TV Shows of the decade if I were to make a list. He is GREAT in that. He was also GREAT in Dodgeball. He and Gary Cole were pretty much the only good things about it.

    • koutchboom says :

      The Vegas scene really? Thats what you call funny? God that was so pathetic and lame. The whole WHOAAAA WHOAAA WE ARE ON DRUGS. It was like watching some 12 year olds pretend to be drunk.

      Bateman was in Dogeball???? So was Gary Cole????? Since when? I like that movie, and I seriously don’t remember them being in it. Let me have my team run a search on IMDB.

    • koutchboom says :

      The only time I laughed at Knocked up was the dinner scene where the guys are the only ones talking, the rest of the movie was a lame attempt at funny. Also just fucking unbelievable, while it was trying to hard to feel real.

      Ohhh yeah they were the OCHO guys, they were funny. But just a rip off of Best In Show/Baseketball/Major League and not half as good as those.

      The best part of Dogeball though was Rip Torn.

    • Droid says :

      Yes, Koutch. Our difference in humour is well established.

    • koutchboom says :

      I’m gonna say that you really just don’t enjoy comedy if you think that scene in Knocked Up is funny.

      Also its just a really stupid attempt at humor. Which makes me wonder why you nit pick my humor so hard? Its no smarter then that?

      WHOOOOAAAAA ZOOM IN ZOOM OUT!!!! SOOO TRIPPY.

    • Droid says :

      Aaah.. for fucks sake. Okay, lets get into this argument again.

      Now, lets establish this first. I don’t always disagree with what you FIND funny. I like some stuff, dislike others. What I don’t find funny is what you SAY which you think is funny. That’s where we are of different opinion.

      Humour is subjective. I’ve never actually said anything about you when you’ve said you like shit like Modern Family or Community. I do say that I think the shows aren’t funny. Which you tend to take personally. I’ve said it before, we disagree on a lot of things. But every now and then we agree. But when we disagree you spout garbage like “I’m gonna say that you really just don’t enjoy comedy if you think that scene in Knocked Up is funny.” or “Says the guy who likes…”

      The difference being that you take it personally, so therefore try to comeback with a personal attack. Which I really couldn’t give two shits about. You’re wasting your breath because I don’t care.

    • koutchboom says :

      I think you take the shit I say as trying to be some classic material. Most of it is just snide comments. Snickers if you will.

      As for the personal attacks. First off I’m not a big fan of community, especially since I’ve seen some of the stuff those people have done outside of that. The black guy is a really good stand up surprisingly. Just that comment was funny. I’ll wait to season 2 to decide if Community is really worth a damn.

      Modern Family is great, that fat gay dude just kills me in pretty much everything he does. As far as you calling it crap, I just don’t see where you can’t find one aspect of that show thats good. Especially since you really like Arrestted Development.

      I think there is a big dividing line in comedy, and its Arressted Development. There are those that say its the funniest show since ever, and then there is everyone else. Those people that think its some amazing show seem to be too picky with their comedy and just don’t enjoy comedy as much as everyone else who find the show just OK. And most people I know who love AD find Knocked Up to be funny, but I don’t think I’ve been in a more laughless screening of a comedy film. I think more people laughed in Year One then when I saw Knocked Up, and there were only 10 people at the screening of Year One I went to.

      Also the idea that you seem to hold yourself to be the judge of what is funny and not is what brings the personal attacks, if you just don’t get a joke then don’t say anything. Coming out and claiming that its not funny…isn’t funny its annoying. Its like if you don’t find it funny then say something thats actually funny. Don’t act like some hot chick who’s not impressed with something.

    • Droid says :

      if you just don’t get a joke then don’t say anything

      Now, if you can be bothered to go back, you’ll notice that I will only respond to your unfunny comments if they are referring to me.

      See, you come in out of nowhere with random allegedly funny comments that often have no point of reference. You like to be irritating for the sake of being irritating.

      If you want to make snide comments at me, then at least let it be in conversation and make it refer to that conversation. I don’t hold myself on a pedestal as the bastion of comedy. But I do reserve the right to respond if you make a snide comment. Which you seem to have a problem with. You’re a classic “Give it but can’t take it” guy.

    • koutchboom says :

      I’m not a classic “give it but can’t take it” guy. If you feel that way then you are off base. Because thats kind of how I feel about you.

      I don’t think either of us are really THAT bad. Its more of a compition now more then anything. The problem with the things I say is that I just type shit down like I’m actually speaking it, which never translates through the internet. And since you’ve never heard me speak you miss the fact that 100% of what I say is always sacarstic. Probably the best way to think of me as David Spade (good Spade, SNL not any of his non Farly movies). I think I get more frustrated then anything, because I say something its good, but it gets lost in translation and then you Alan Rickman me with “that’s not funny”. I know I’m a bit of a hot head, but I don’t take any of this personally. I mostly do it to keep up convo since I’m bored at work, and everyone agreeing on everything all the time gets dull.

    • Droid says :

      Fair play. I’ve got to go (seeing WTWTA… Another one I suspect we’ll disagree on!), but I’ll keep that in mind for the future.

      And I have no idea what Alan Rickman has to do with anything, but I’ll give credit where credit is due. I chuckled.

    • koutchboom says :

      Have fun at Wild Things. If anything the moster suits are worth seeing it alone. Its a film that at least deserves disscussion.

  12. Jarv says :

    What are you inflicting on yourself?

    • Jarv says :

      Fuck me Frank. That’s above and beyond the call of duty.

    • Droid says :

      Huzzah! I knew you’d be the one to man up and see halloween 2. I’ll definitely read it, mate. It’ll save me the hassle of watching them and will be miles more entertaining.

      BITCH SLAP!!! Can’t wait fot that one.

  13. Jarv says :

    Where the fuck is Mrs. Jarv.

    I’m nicking a Christmas Tree and need help carrying it home.

  14. Jarv says :

    Wait- just seen her crossing the road.

    Ciao, have a good weekend.

  15. Droid says :

    Frankie, was the box any good? I’m off to see WTWTA tonight and might catch that after.

  16. Droid says :

    Hated it? ooooh… intriguing. That makes me want to see it even more!

  17. ThereWolf says :

    The Dish is top & I love Dog Soldiers. I find The Descent gets better each time I see it (probably up to 3 times now), didn’t like it that much at first. I like all the Marshall movies, great fun.

    Haven’t got a specific problem with the 3rd act of 28 Days Later but I see what you mean. It just doesn’t bother me. Still not seen This Is England. And you are so, so right about Love Fucking Actually.

    Good list, Jarv.

  18. jarv says :

    Boys- humour is subjective. To misquote Aristotle:

    “You can never argue about two things- what gets someone off and what makes them laugh”

    I’m getting quite good at uding this phone now.

  19. jarv says :

    By the way- why the fuck does the time appear when I look on this phone but not on a computer?

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