A unbiased Man’s look at The Twilight Saga: New Moon

        Let me preface this by saying I am just reviewing this movie based souly on the two movies alone. I am leaving out all the hype and books, it’s a movie it should be able to stand on its own outside of fandom and whatever it is based on.  With that said, lets us begin….

There is one nagging thing that I kept thinking about in the whole time I was watching this movie that all reviewers failed to mention.  There is a stupid fake movie that the pre-adult teens go see in Twilight 2: New Moon called Face Punch, and that movie sounds amazing. I hope someone goes on to make that movie. 

Another big thing I was surprised to see no one mention before was Anna Kendrick’s rant about how terrible Zombie movies are.  Where most reviews felt the need to get all mad about how the Vampires glisten and how that’s not how vampires work, no one is going to call this scene out?  Either that or everyone heard what she said an agreed with her?  It was kind of like a big F-U to haters which was funny. 

The movie as a whole was actually very satisfying to me, I had no interest in seeing this movie, but my wife did and I’ve dragged her to enough dreck that I owed her one.  I saw the first one of VHS and it was terrible at best, cheesy and not well put together, I’m not a big fan of Catherine Hardwicke’s other movies though.  Twilight 2 has its moments of cheese but they are usually just a line or a quick scene, nothing like the god awful Baseball montage set to Muse from the first one. 

Dog Town Vs. Chuck and Buck

Chris Weitz on the other hand is a half decent director up until his last movie The Polar Compass, where he came out and quit the movie for awhile because he could not handle the special effects in the movie.  Low and behold he get’s an Oscar for best visual effects for using outdated Coke Cola commercial technology.  This is a much better movie then that mess, the movie is a mess but I do not think that was his fault.

At the end of the movie I left having had a good time, I was never bored and while feeling a bit emasculated by the whole thing I actually would not mind seeing the third one.  See the thing is, this is a chick flick through and through but something happened before the movie to show me why this is on the higher end of chick flicks, I saw the trailers for Dear John, Letters to Juliet and Remember Me, which all look like awful chick bait about longing for love.  Two of those star Amanda Seyfried and are about letters, Mama Mia was about letters, Jennifer’s Body was about letters (whatever I didn’t see it, neither did you so who really knows what it was about) so its good to see Amanda Seyfried does not believe in e-mail, while Twilight 2: New Moon has a big section involving e-mail.  Those movies while maybe ending up to be great love stories just looked SO boring and lame and aiming to be the next Notebook it was sad. 

I wish I knew how to quit you.

Also there are a couple of action scenes in Twilight 2 that were quite a bit of fun.  There is a Werewolf fight that was just as much fun as the Polar Bear fight in Polar Compass, and a Werewolf/Vampire chase through the woods that was actually really good and interestingly shot in combination with the music.  A fight between Edward and some guy who looks like Chris Klein on roids that was like no other fight I’d seen before, it was like how the final fight in Wolverine should have been.  Something those other movies surely will not offer. 

The basic story of the movie is Edward the Vampire leaves Bella after an incident (you know the one with the paper cut, which is another cool scene) so he thinks he is doing right by leaving, but she goes into withdrawal once he leaves.  Now these scenes were intentionally/unintentionally funny, she screams at night like she’s a junkie with heroine withdrawal.  Her dad pops in time to time to wonder what the hell is up, at one point says he’s too lazy to deal with his daughter and tries to pawn her off on her mom, but Bella does not want to leave in fear of Edward not finding her.  So in trying to move on in her life along comes young Jacob. They point out how old Bella is getting compared to the handsome gentlemen around her which was stupid.  She and Jacob become close friends when UH OH he’s a monster too, who does not know how to deal with his relationship with Bella. 

Ab Pack

Only problem is that he’s a monster to late in her life.  Then there is an incident and Edward (being the new age Romeo he is) threatens to get himself killed and Bella races to Italy to save him.  They are back together in the end and Jacob is the jilted guy who got put into the friend zone by Bella, except this time he isn’t some pansy Duckie loser, he could possibly kick Edwards ass, which I guess we find out in the third movie.  

There is a funny scene where her “human” friends think that she’s finally gotten over Edward and wants to join the human race again and the dweeb that liked her in the first move tries to makes his move, only to be thwarted by Jacob at the movies (this is where we hear about the most awesome FACE PUNCH!, it was almost like they knew Ninja Assassin was coming out right around the same time as Twilight). 

This guy played a Mormon in House.

Sure you can read into all the subtext of OHHH this Mormon propaganda this, this teaches girls to be in controlling relationship, it builds the precedent in teen girl’s mind that they need to date these superheroes blah blah blah. I’m not a teen girl but I can see why they like this so much, though it kind of makes you feel like a teen girl.  Also to think those things about teen girls shows little faith in women, it’s just a bit of escapist fluff.  Sure some girls will go overboard with it, but most of them will find it a flight of fancy and just enjoy it for what it is.  While I can’t say that it’s a better movie then Ironman or The Incredible Hulk I had more fun watching this movie then those two, and I read comic books.  Also it’s got a pretty good score outside of the hipster tracks that I actually remembered all the way to my car (more then I can say for 90% of all other new movies). 

There are a lot of laugh out loud moments which makes me wonder if Chris Weitz is really that smart, or just lucky.  At one point Jacob ask Bella if she remembered a story he told her (in the first movie) about Werewolves and Vampires, and I KNEW I KNEW! she would not remember the part about Werewolves.  I remembered, and I knew my wife wouldn’t have remembered either and she didn’t till I told her.  Bella however remembered the part about “the cold ones”.  Which just goes to show how girls remember what they want when they are in lust.  I was laughing pretty hard at this, by myself.  Dakota Fanning was stupid.  Someone tell Parker Posey that Ashley Greene will now be getting your roles from here on in.  Finally for all the talk about the Werewolves running around shirtless and how OVER the TOP this is, again just more sensationalism.  Sure it’s stupid, but no dumber then Hulk wearing pants, they at least try to explain it by saying that as a Werewolf they are hot all the time. 

There is an inherit cheesiness to the movie that just made it fun, some people actually do a good job of acting in the movie Edi Gathegi’s small part was well done, Taylor Lautner was very likeable, Michael Sheen was fun even if he was wearing Taylor’s long hair wig and finally Kristen Stewart is actually learning how to act outside of running her hands threw her hair.  They play her up like she is some “The One” with a high midichlorian count, who the Vampires just do not know how to deal with, which is interesting and I wonder how it plays out.

Baby Annie!

The big mistake the movie makes to me was the Dad.  He’s got a thankless role, he’s sort of nothing as a character, even though people try to use him against Bella to get her to do things, but Bella acts like she does not give a shit about him.  They should have made him more of a drunk or a moron, pretty much redo Randy Quaid’s role from Not Another Teen Movie.  Whenever they show the Cullen family together they look like they are getting ready for a Gap ad photo shoot, I found this a lot dumber then the shirtless Werewolves.  Also the first shot of the movie is of an actual new moon, luckily the movie rebounded from that stupidity but it sets the tone that this is not going to be a thinker.

In conclusion, this is the Empire Strikes Back of the Twilight Saga.  Where David Slade takes it from here will probably just be nutty.  It even has a cliffhanger ending, while very stupid made sense.  If you want to hate the movie then fine hate it, don’t see it.  If you care about Vampires and get all in a tizzy about them glistening in the sunlight, then you take Vampires too seriously….Vampires aren’t real, its like getting upset about running Zombies.  If you are dragged to it by your better half then be happy because there is a lot worse stuff they could drag you to   

Note: In the movie theater scene in the lobby (where no one works?) they showed posters for two fake movies, Face Punch and Evol is Love Spelled backwards (some lame romantic movie that Bella does not care for) and Pontypool?  That’s some obscure Canadian movie, I wonder if some of the crew members worked on that movie or something.  Also there was some nicely placed Burger King trash hanging around.

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About koutchboom


36 responses to “A unbiased Man’s look at The Twilight Saga: New Moon”

  1. M. Blitz says :

    FACE PUNCH! That’s right! So funny when dude pukes at the theater, and Jacob gets buck with him. But the werewolves are definitely over the top, that is what makes it good & funny. They all run around in identical shorts and sneakers w/ no shirts on, like they are some hottie-boy gang from the Warriors! Hilarious…

    But c’mon. ‘Psychoanalyze the movie’ is a fun parlor game. At least, for me it is. I do get uncomfortable w/ people hardcore bashing on the fans, though. When a gazillion kids go nuts for something, better to try and figure out WHY they like it, rather than freak out on ’em.

    Frank–Pretty Woman and Risky Business? *shudders* Both of those movies make me want to puke instead of entertaining me. Cruise? Julia Roberts? Richard fucking Gere? Nooooo thank you. Punches all around.

  2. koutchboom says :

    Psychoanalyzing the movie is fun. But people do that in the reviews and it makes the movie sound worse then it really is.

  3. Bartleby says :

    Wow…brave koutch. You should link this up over at Cinematropolis on the comment page and sell it as a positive review. That will get some of the dippies trolloping over here to see how more enlightened you are than I.

    Pontypool? What’s Pontypool? Just one of the best horror movies of the year is all…and involving zombies:


  4. koutchboom says :

    Yeah I’ve heard of it, and you just BARELY see the poster and I says the words Ponty and I was like its that Pony something movie. God it took me forever to find out the name, all my searches keep pulling up Ponyo. It was this poster:

    I bet a bunch of the same crew work on both movies, they are both Canadian.

  5. lord bronco says :

    Ha ha-intriguing review K-Boom!

    No better half here, but this answers many of the questions that I had like: How could a movie that so many doom-sayers doom upon make so much money?

    This points out enough credible points that the response is not some mass hallucination brought on by a cloud of nuclear estrogen seeded by space aliens in a plot to overwhelm our great capitalist society.

    Am i going to watch it any time soon?

    It’s on the HBO/showtime queue right behing transformers 2 and G.I. Joe.

    • M. Blitz says :

      “a cloud of nuclear estrogen seeded by space aliens in a plot to overwhelm our great capitalist society”

      Damn! When’s THAT movie coming out? I want tickets…..

      • lord bronco says :

        Hee Hee *nods*-It was a joke-but like everybody else, I’ve been trying to work on my first independent *movie* script for many years-haven’t come up with one just yet that would work/merit enlisting local talent…I did have a dream just last night, since I’ve started keeping dream journals…and meaning I may have a possible winner…A winter survival tale-but that’s off the point.

        back to the point though-what would effects would a nuclear estrogen cloud have-crazed minxes running amok? Zombie girls emasculating menfolk enmasse? What would truly scare men? Hmmm..must ruminate…thanks for the compliment.

      • lord bronco says :

        I’m suddenly in a tizzy because of something conti posted over at AICN–a write up/demo of the Canon EOS 5D Mark II.

        The bloody DSLR camera costs $2700-*AND IT SHOOTS HD MOVIES* with no lighting-crazy technology-and Conti’s working in show business-he’s absolutely correct-this 21st century camera technology is actually approaching science fiction quality….Thanks again to Conti-my DAD almost bought this model outright, but bought the Bloody Sony instead *sighs*.

        Along with the Red cameras-there *is* a revolution coming.

  6. Droid says :

    Good review, Koutch. Funny stuff. I like the rant about movies involving letters. But it’s not hard to be a better movie than The Incredible Stretchy Pants.

    That said, still won’t bother seeing any of these flicks.

  7. Continentalop says :

    You know, I haven’t seen these movies or read these books, but I can understand why they are popular. They are teenage girl romantic adventure fantasies – just like how comics and super-heroes are you boy fantasies. While guys in capes fulfill males power fantasies, this series fulfills young girls fantasies about relationships and sex using metaphors.

    I mean Meyers might be a terrible writer, but a young girl afraid yet desiring to be bit by her vampire boyfriend, or him fighting his urge to bite her, is a pretty good sex metaphor.

    • boomtownwolf says :

      did you not just read this review?
      the movie is popular to both because it is not all about how she’s self-absorbed and all girly romance. it has fights and shit loads of action.
      maybe you should watch it before you make up your obvs biased mind.

      • Continentalop says :

        Boomtownwolf, maybe you should read my comments with an open mind instead of jumping to your own bias conclussions. I admitted I have not seen or read the films or books, but I gave a reason why I think they are popular: because they use a clever metaphor to convey young girls’ sexual fears and desires. 

        I did not say anything negative about the film, I did I say that was the ONLY reason they are popular. Maybe it does have many other good qualities, but the threat of a vampire’s bite as a metaphor for sex is what stuck out for me (and I never said anything about it being about self-absorbed girls or “girly” romance – I don’t know where you got that).    

        Maybe you shouldn’t assume that everything is an attack and be immediately defensive.  

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah you never said if you read the review?

      • Continentalop says :

        koutch, I read the review and I don’t think I wrote anything that contradicts what you said. I was actually writing to back you up, explaining why I, personally, can understand why it is a hit with young girls. It has a clever little subtext that I think they relate too, much like how the X-Men has a subtext about being an oppressed outsider, like homosexuals, jews or other minority that many people can relate too.

        If I was going to be negative I would have written how the film represents homosexuals: the vampires represent queens and twinks because they glitter; Jacob and the Werewolves represent bears.

      • Continentalop says :

        I should also add: Nice review. Especially the letter movie part (Notebook suck!).

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me rigid.

        This is an astoundingly positive review for a flagrant load of evil crap.

        By the way- just to let you know, Edward never kicks Jacob’s ass. Rather Jacob is actually in love with Bella’s unborn child (I shit you not) and they let him do babysitting.

      • Koutchboom says :

        Conti I wasn’t negging anything you wrote. I agree with you. I see this movie on both sides. I can see the hate and love for it. I just wanted to ensure that the review was read.

        For this movie, all I’m saying is that when all is said in done. I had a good time watching it, which is more then I can say about Boon Dock Saints 2: All Saints Day. And truth be told I think my wife ended up liking Boondock Saints 2 more then Twilight 2….so there you go.

    • lord bronco says :

      Conti-see above reply for a thank you for that article about the Canon EOS 5D Mark II-fascinating stuff…
      As to K-Boom-sometimes kids say the darndest things-nothing he says should be taken seriously or deserves more than 2 sentences of reply. i like the guy (heya K) but sometimes he says such outrageously piss-ignorant things-it’s quite actually funny after a while–he’s pissed me and xiphos off so outrageously over at AIBN at times that I’ve cyber-stalked him, but then I was like-it’s Just k-Boom 🙂

      • Bartleby says :

        hilarious. Bronco, you have an odd sense of humor. I kind of dig it.

        I remember you and I going at it over that faux Mueller stunt Dan and I pulled back in the summer. Good times.

      • Koutchboom says :

        Bronco, what did I say to poke the bear?

      • Continentalop says :

        LB, fuck the Canon EOS 5D MKII. Yeah, fuck it. Why? Because the mother fucking Canon EOS 1D MKIV is fucking coming. And that is a mother fucking game changer.

        The 1D MKIV can shoot 24 (the 5D is having a firmware update for that) and can looks awesome in little or no light, even in the dark and at night.

        Just look at the short and read this guy blog here:


        Now this is a game changer.

  8. ThereWolf says :

    Interesting to see a positive take on this in the face of so much vitriol elsewhere. You got some brass balls on yer, Boom. Respect.

    However, tis doubtful I’m gonna see any of these Twilight movies.

  9. Continentalop says :

    Damn. This place needs an edit function. I meant to write “NOR did I say that was the ONLY reason.”

  10. Bartleby says :

    so koutch, you are boomtownwolf too?

  11. Koutchboom says :

    Why the fuck is everyone getting on my nuts for. I don’t know who Boomtown is, and he’s an idiot. I was just making sure Conti read my review. I like to hear words of praise so sue me. And I respect Conti’s sage wisdom.

  12. Koutchboom says :

    And if Bronco was cyber stalking me, I’m gonna assume you were the one to hack my Hotmail and should apologize to Danny for making me send him tons of spam mail.

  13. Koutchboom says :

    Also I never said anyone should actively seek out seeing these movies. I am merely stating that A) Listen to your Heart was originally a Roxette song, and just because The Look got stuck in your brain from those GTA commercials, not all of Roxette’s songs are half as good as that awesome track, they are like a bad ABBA. B) The if you end up having to see Twilight in hopes of poon (luckily I got paid in advance) then there are worst movies you could sit through, and if you go in with an open mind then you may end up having a fun time. C) This movie really doesn’t deserve all the hate it gets, its dumb so what, so is a lot of shit I love.

    • Continentalop says :

      Don’t worry koutch. I didn’t think you were Boomtownwolf, and I was just clarifying in case he got you confused about wether or not I read the review.

      And never apologize for liking a movie. Everyone has their own taste and guilty taste: fuck the AsimovLives concept that there is no such thing as subjective taste.

      I think Ingmar Bergman is boring, that the Sting and Lethal Weapon are overrated, that Julia Roberts is a good actress, and that Great Mouse Derective is a forgotten gem.

  14. koutchboom says :

    ALRIGHT!!! THE LOOK 3rd TIME! Fuck it back to drinking, Sons of Anarchy, my new TV and Blu Ray???? The Blue Ray was free with the TV. The only DVD I really plan to buy for it is D9, because after District 9, nothing else Matters! Fuck you A.O. Scott and your Where the Wild Things Are best of Decade Love.

  15. tombando says :


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