The Decade’s Dregs by Xiphos
This list was harder to make than the 10 best list. This decade is dominated by mediocrity and flat out garbage and the level of trash was so high it was damn near impossible to sift through the pile to find the most rancid of the debris but I think I’ve done it.
1. $tar Wars prequel$ episode$ 2&3 (2002, 05) Neck, you are going to be all over this list you fat ba$tard. Stop writing and directing. All you care about is technology. Play with that and count your ca$h and stop fucking up your propertie$ plea$e. The $ad part of the prequels is the glimmer of good movies that pops out once in awhile.
2. The Happening (2008) Night, you are one frustrating asshat. I like the 6th Sense, I think Unbreakable is the best super hero origin story out there and the first half hour of Signs is good. Then you crawled up your own ass and committed ritual suicide. The Happening is just plain awful on every single level. There’s not one single redeemable quality to this movie plus it drags like it has an anchor attached to it.
3. Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions (2003) The Matrix was great fun with an interesting concept and is a well executed movie. The sequels have none of that and they are insultingly bad. The only good thing I will say about the sequels is that in Reloaded they used Ducatti 998S motorcycles and Monica Bellucci’s cans were on display.
4. Indian Jones and the Curse of the Crystal Skull (2008) Fuck you Neck and for that matter The Beard and The Finger of DOOM. Assholes, this movie sucks and I’m a huge Indy fan (more than SW and I’m the prime SW demo) that wanted to like this movie and you triple rochambeau’d me.
5. Superman Returns (2006) A.K.A. Stalkerman Returns A.K.A. Stalkerman Lifts Things.
The first and most egregious fault of this movie is that it’s boring as hell. Second, if you’re going to copy Donners’s movies, follow all parts of it and don’t go off script and add stupid things like kids and Stalkerman disappearing for 5 years. The bullet off the eye was cool I’ll give you that one. Seriously what were they thinking with Kumar as the lead henchmen to a rather light in the loafers Lex Luthor?
6. Land of the Dead / Diary of the Dead (2005/07) Even by Romero’s low standards, these movies suck. But I have abused wife syndrome and will watch his next crappy zombie movie and hate myself for it.
7. AvP/AvP: Rectum (2004/07) I don’t need to cover this any more, right?
8. Southland Tales (2006) see number 7
9. Clerks II (2006) A rancidly bad, massively unfunny, cash grab and failed chance of redemption by Kevin Smith. This movie is so bad it made me start to dislike the original somewhat which is sad because THAT was a GOOD movie.
10. The Patriot (2000) I’m not a person that expects movies to rigorously adhere to history in most circumstances but in a few specific instances I like them to err on the side of what happened and not take massive liberties with actual people and events. This Mad Mel vehicle did exactly that and in an aggresively boring manner. “Aim small, miss small.” Obviously your insanity started to go florid right there Mel.
After wading through the torrent of shit that are movies of this fast ending decade, I need to take a Silkwood shower.