The Decade’s Dregs by Xiphos

This list was harder to make than the 10 best list. This decade is dominated by mediocrity and flat out garbage and the level of trash was so high it was damn near impossible to sift through the pile to find the most rancid of the debris but I think I’ve done it.

1. $tar Wars prequel$ episode$ 2&3 (2002, 05) Neck, you are going to be all over this list you fat ba$tard. Stop writing and directing. All you care about is technology. Play with that and count your ca$h and stop fucking up your propertie$ plea$e. The $ad part of the prequels is the glimmer of good movies that pops out once in awhile.

2. The Happening (2008) Night, you are one frustrating asshat. I like the 6th Sense, I think Unbreakable is the best super hero origin story out there and the first half hour of Signs is good. Then you crawled up your own ass and committed ritual suicide. The Happening is just plain awful on every single level. There’s not one single redeemable quality to this movie plus it drags like it has an anchor attached to it.

3. Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions (2003) The Matrix was great fun with an interesting concept and is a well executed movie. The sequels have none of that and they are insultingly bad. The only good thing I will say about the sequels is that in Reloaded they used Ducatti 998S motorcycles and Monica Bellucci’s cans were on display.

4. Indian Jones and the Curse of the Crystal Skull (2008) Fuck you Neck and for that matter The Beard and The Finger of DOOM. Assholes, this movie sucks and I’m a huge Indy fan (more than SW and I’m the prime SW demo) that wanted to like this movie and you triple rochambeau’d me.

5. Superman Returns (2006) A.K.A. Stalkerman Returns A.K.A. Stalkerman Lifts Things.

The first and most egregious fault of this movie is that it’s boring as hell. Second, if you’re going to copy Donners’s movies, follow all parts of it and don’t go off script and add stupid things like kids and Stalkerman disappearing for 5 years. The bullet off the eye was cool I’ll give you that one. Seriously what were they thinking with Kumar as the lead henchmen to a rather light in the loafers Lex Luthor?

6. Land of the Dead / Diary of the Dead (2005/07) Even by Romero’s low standards, these movies suck. But I have abused wife syndrome and will watch his next crappy zombie movie and hate myself for it.

7. AvP/AvP: Rectum (2004/07) I don’t need to cover this any more, right?

8. Southland Tales (2006) see number 7

9. Clerks II (2006) A rancidly bad, massively unfunny, cash grab and failed chance of redemption by Kevin Smith. This movie is so bad it made me start to dislike the original somewhat which is sad because THAT was a GOOD movie.

10. The Patriot (2000) I’m not a person that expects movies to rigorously adhere to history in most circumstances but in a few specific instances I like them to err on the side of what happened and not take massive liberties with actual people and events. This Mad Mel vehicle did exactly that and in an aggresively boring manner. “Aim small, miss small.” Obviously your insanity started to go florid right there Mel.

After wading through the torrent of shit that are movies of this fast ending decade, I need to take a Silkwood shower.

Xiphos

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84 responses to “The Decade’s Dregs by Xiphos”

  1. Tom_Bando says :

    IT’s Conti Pops! We like having Conti Pops around ditto Pillow Tawk. Welcome. Is NOT Gas-station-Is sophistoKated laBorratory. I am NOT in charge-so DO NOT BE TOUCHING ANYTHING…

  2. Tom_Bando says :

    I prob. am the only one who liked Bagger Vance w/ Damon and Will Smith too…

  3. Continentalop says :

    Hey Sal/Tom Bandito.

    And yes, you are the only one who liked Bagger Vance.

    Magic Negro. Please.

  4. xiphos0311 says :

    The Book Bagger Vance was pretty good never saw the movie.

  5. xiphos0311 says :

    Frank,

    even though Anakin and the skinny brunette chick had to mouth that awful dialog they could have tried harder and if they were better actors they might have been able to deliver better performances with the crap sandwhich they were handed.

  6. xiphos0311 says :

    About Superman,

    I don’t like the character either but when you make a Superman movie and the most intersting character is Cyclops you have major issues.

    i just wanted to see superman fly around a beat up bad guys instead we got a retread of Donner’s movies but as an added bonus we got bad acting(except for Routh he was ok), writing, SPX mostly, horrendous casting, half breed superkid who should not have any powers, Kumar as chief henchman, Kevin Spacey as the worst Lex Luthor ever, another real estate scheme, Superman lifting an entire island of kryptonite, and the best of the best, getting called a homophobe for not liking the movie.

    I felt that since the movie was a disaster of such large proportions it deserved to be listed.

  7. xiphos0311 says :

    Robert De niro used to be a good actor now he collects pay checks, but he has, in the past, elevated bad material, like that mob guy in thereapy movie the first one. Other actors have also elevated poor material if they got that extra gear which admitedly most don’t have.

  8. xiphos0311 says :

    Frank you want to see truly angry people? head over to Jonah’s place and read the posts by all the New Moon cultists.

  9. Jarv says :

    It’s because it’s a disgrace to celluloid, a colossal waste of money, fuck boring, fucking completely miscast and generally a massive turd.

    The only thing to say about it is that it’s better than Spidey 3.

  10. Jarv says :

    They are *pissed*

    Funny.

    I’ve obviously been unable to resist wading in.

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