Bottom Feeders: Jarv’s worst of the decade (REVISED)
I’m going to do a best of the decade in late December, along with my best and worst of the year. However, as I’ve been useless recently, and Xi and Wolf have got their lists started I thought I’d chip in with my bottom of the decade list. Which I feel I can do because I don’t think I’ll see anything worse than this lot before the year end.
This isn’t actually as easy as it sounds. Honestly. I had to narrow down a longlist from about 1000 pieces of absolute garbage. To be absolutely fair, I’m going to define the rules first:
1) These are all films without a single redeeming feature
2)These must be films that aren’t just bad but offensively awful and manage to piss me off in some way.
3)No more than one Superhero film can make it- I could quite easily have filled the list with about 10.
4)Only 1 of original and sequels can make it.
5No Platinum Dunes remakes. I could have filled the list with them
Anyhow, criteria defined- here we go. In reverse order:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull, The Terminal, Van Helsing, Cabin Fever, Head Cheerleader Dead Cheerleader, Countless Superhero movies, Watchmen, Transformers, Matrix Sequels, Twilight, Scary Movie 2, Get Over It, The Sweetest Thing, The Last Kiss, Hannibal Rising, The Da Vinci Code, Poseiden, Oceans 12, Rob Schneider’s canon, The Cat in The Hat, Kill Bill 2, The Pirates of The Caribbean Sequels, Shrek 2 and 3, Swordfish, The Heartbreak Kid, Battlefield Earth, anything with Eddie Murphy/ Martin Lawrence in a fat suit.
Since I wrote this I’ve been reminded of these other stinkers, that are actually worse than DM, but not quite bad enough to make it into the top 10:
Atrocious, but not quite top 10 level
What a steaming bucket of shit. The “gobble gobble” scene alone condemns it to being a platinum stinker. What precisely is funny about some autistic cunt rapping Sir Mixalot or whatever the fuck it is. Affleck doesn’t look like he can so much turn a corner as turn a lesbian hitwoman.
To think the cunt that directed this also did the excellent Midnight Run.
14) Smokin’ Aces
A festering load of wank, this. Alicia Keys as a possibly lesbian hitwoman and a group of other dickheads try to murder a smug magician cunt. Absolutely diabolical, and proof that Carnahan is on a one man mission to fuck his own credibility in the ass.
The film that somehow manages to be worse than Shoot ‘Em Up.
Utter shit. Basically, just a slightly more explicit porno than Lust Caution. The reason it loses out to Ang Lee’s magnum snoozefest is that the chick in it shaves her armpits. Mediocre music combined with characters that aren’t so much ciphers as vacuums and the most explicit sex outside of hardcore porn.
To be honest, you’re better off putting on some music you actually like then watching hard core with the sound off.
12) Diary of the Dead
Romero proves Renton right once and for all: “You get old, you cannae hack it any more then you die”. All that’s left is for him to die.
Utterly dreadful, the central character is a complete cunt and he’s not alone. Romero needs to retire. However, like Xi, I’ve got battered wife syndrome with it, and will no doubt watch his next film.
Unwatchable. Like putting your brain in a blender. As much fun as having your nipples electrocuted while some cunt asks for help with The Times crossword. By the end of this pretentious garbage you will be bleeding from the ears and your frontal lobe may have killed itself to relieve the pain.
The 10 Biggest Bags of Shit in the Last 10 Years
1o: Death Proof
Catastrophically dreadful. Completely boring. Totally useless. What the fuck was Tarantino thinking? This was billed as some kind of 70’s Grindhouse experience. It isn’t. What it is is hours and hours of boring self-indulgent women talking Tarantino (proving once again that he can’t write for women) before a ham fisted car chase. However, what makes this film a platinum stinker is that the climax of the film involves Kurt Russel crying.
Go and fuck yourself Quentin, you cunt. This is our Kurt, this is Snake Plissken, Macready, Jack Burton and you’ve made him cry. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your arsehole.
9: Lust Caution
The film that finally confirmed to me that I just don’t like Ang Lee films. A UK critic coined the term “Boredom Porn” to describe it and he’s completely right. It redefines dull for an hour, then there’s some nasty sex between two unlikable twats for an hour. Then it ends.
Dreadful. If you want to watch two people fucking, watch porn. Strictly for people too embarrassed to purchase dirty films. Or for dwarves to small to reach the shelf with real porn on it.
8: 2 Days in Paris
Before Sunrise was wonderful. Before Sunset was even better. This is, however, atrocious. Someone told Julie Delpy that she had some talent for writing, so she rips off those 2 films wholesale. Except for one thing, one tiny, important detail: the characters in those 2 films weren’t complete and utter cunts. Boring exposition following 2 self-indulgent twats around Paris. Julie Delpy’s character in particular is such an obnoxious bitch that I’m amazed he didn’t dump her yonks before the break up at the end.
Seriously, she shows naked pictures of him to her parents. And expects him not to be upset. And as if that wasn’t insulting enough- it turns out this is a picture she takes of all her boyfriends. Cow.
Oh, and there are far too many gratuitous cock shots of Goldberg.
A plague on torture porn. This is, in my opinion, the absolute worst of a genre that frequently rips up the bottom of the barrel and then burrows towards the Earth’s core. The whole plot is simple: unlikable assholes get tortured to death in Europe. It fails for several reasons but most importantly, that you just don’t care about the people getting tortured. Diabolically bad, relentlessly dull and proof positive that that terminally useless cunt Eli Roth couldn’t direct piss into a urinal without help.
6: Funny Games
Personally, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being told I’m a complete cunt for watching a film by the fucking director of said film. Boring rubbish with delusions of grandeur and a completely pointless remake to boot.
Did I mention that it’s the only film I’ve ever seen to tell me I’m a cunt during the film?
5: Attack of the Clones
There’s been so much written on the Star Wars prequels in general (fuck you Lucas you soulless cunt), and yes, it is true that they do suck and probably did interfere with everyone’s favourite childhood memories. This one however, manages to comfortably be the worst of the 3. There are so many different reasons that this film makes this list, but I’ve included it because it’s the only film that I have ever successfully got my money back from the cinema for. That’s how bad it is- I managed to get Camden Town Odeon to refund me after the film.
And no, the last half an hour of it is not good- unless Yoda bouncing around like a demented ping-pong ball floats your boat.
I ACTUALLY OWN THIS PIECE OF SHIT AND CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO THROW IT OUT.
I admit it. I fell for the tag line. I’m a complete and utter cunt.
Dismal, predictable, ridiculous, boring, stupid, annoying, badly written, worse direction and just not scary. For some inexplicable reason they do a “hallucinogen cam” that just induced a migraine in me. If you can’t work out who the killer is within three seconds of turning it on then you should be banned from watching horror films.
Luckily, I saw this after OUTLANDER (motherfuckers), because if I hadn’t then the presence of Jack Huston in Outlander may have stopped me from seeing it. And that would have been tragic.
And now for the top 3 hall of shame:
3: Spider-Man 3
The presence of this film here in absolutely no way validates Superman Returns.
Ouch. This is the 21st Century equivalent of Batman and Robin. To be absolutely honest, it was a toss-up between this and Superman Returns for this spot, but this gets the honour for the following reasons:
1)Dunst sings. Twice
2)Tobey Maguire struts his funky stuff.
3)Tobey Maguire dances.
4)Sandman kills Uncle Ben (nb- I usually don’t give a fuck about abusing funny-book canon, but this was daft)
5)Plotholes you could park the QE2 in.
6)Sympathetic villain that wasn’t sympathetic.
7)Far too much crying.
8)Incomprehensible final fight scene with annoying cut away to reporter telling us what’s going on, as clearly we don’t want to see it in a film called Spider-Man 3. No, we came for the song and dance numbers.
9)For some inexplicable reason Spidey fights a Power Ranger.
10)Butler with the power of Wikipedia who only exists to explain the whole plot to Harry.
I could go on and on with this, but you get the idea. Raimi just clearly didn’t give a toss, and I suspect that it was that massive cunt Arad’s fault for shoe-horning Venom in.
Spider-man 3 is just a shit film, and very, very nearly a franchise killer.
2: Sex and the City
This is actually a contender for number one. Not just a bad film but a truly dreadful effort that reeks of cash in. Who in their right mind wants to follow 4 horrid self-indulgent cows in their various and terminally boring adventures. Not to mention the fact that the damned thing is over 150 minutes. This film is nothing short of offensive- every male character, bar one that gets appallingly treated by slut in chief, is a complete cunt and don’t get me started on the women.
Bear in mind that nothing of any interest to man or beast happens in that time.
Mrs. Jarv, in a moment of weakness that got her Lovefilm privileges removed for 6 months rented this. Even she admitted it was shit.
1: Alien v Predator: Requiem
Fuck me. Where to begin?
How about this- setting it on Earth in the present day. Or what about the fact that some cunt forgot to turn the lights on when they were shooting? There isn’t a redeeming feature to this fetid pile of garbage.
However, the real reason it’s number 1 in the Hall of Infamy is: The Predalien
Who in their right mind thought this piece of depressing fanboy wankery was a good idea? Who? Tell me, and I’ll feed them their own entrails.
A bad idea, poorly executed and even were the rest of the film as good as Alien (which it isn’t) then this would still be enough to make it the worst film of the last ten years.
However, when you add this little touch to the aforementioned poor effort, then you get what I think is the worst film for the last 20 years.
Alien v Predator: Requiem is a film so bad that it makes Uwe Boll look like Stanley Kubrick.
If anyone wants to give me more suggestions, then I’ll gladly expand this- it’s fun to do and I can summon up some real hatred for a lot of these films.