Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Head Cheerleader Dead Cheerleader
Head Cheerleader Dead Cheerleader
“You’re going to get sued for all the money that you think you’re going to make from this film”
Utter crap, and not in a good way. I could stop the review there as those 2 words neatly summarise the film.
I have almost nothing good to say about this load of wank. I was lured into this by the title and now, frankly, I feel robbed.
I’m pretty tolerant as a rule, but I have to draw the line somewhere, and this film is so far beyond the pale that it can’t see it with a telescope. It’s all the worst features of low budget film rolled into one.
I can’t be bothered to summarise the plot of this tripe. There’s no point as the title gives it away: this is a film about a lunatic stalking and murdering cheerleaders. Which should make for an entertaining film as it’s almost impossible to make a mess of it.
However, they manage it. Astoundingly, they take the unfuckupabale formula, the formula that has served countless low budget horrors, and they find a way to make it boring: They set it in the main character’s living room. I shit you not- Miller (the cunt that directed it) clearly thinks he’s directing Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf for some fucking reason.
To be absolutely fair to this carbuncle of a film, it opens in the locker room of the School (which isn’t a fucking warehouse or anything, don’t be silly. Despite the fact that it looks like a fucking warehouse, it’s the locker room of a school. Honest. I actually think the school may have a restraining order preventing these cunts from getting within 100 yards of a school), and there’s a killing on the playing field, a shot outside the school, a hot tub murder, and a dubious slumber party that’s just an excuse for gratuitous tits, so it isn’t strictly true to say it’s set in one fucking room.
In the interests of integrity, I’ll amend it to: a good 80% of this takes place in one fucking room.
Not that this matters, particularly, as all the “location” shots are in the first 30 minutes.
Anyhow, back to the point. Our intrepid heroine sits in this fucking living room, on the phone or dealing with random characters that periodically show up, add nothing then fuck off again. It’s staggeringly dull. Awfully, atrociously boring. Then the killer is revealed, it turns out to be 3 killers, some fucking tramp turns up to kill the third killer and that’s it.
The kills are unimaginative and nastily gory. There’s nothing wrong with gore, but it has to be used properly. Slicing off tits for the sake of it is not clever.
The acting in this film is school play bad. I imagine that some bastard teacher had told his class of 10 year olds that they had to perform Hamlet and you’ve got a fairly close approximation of the acting. It’s sub-porn. Which is amusing because several of the actresses do look and sound like they’re natural home is porn.
As for the score, well I’m fucked if I can remember it, and the costume design is so catastrophically unimaginative that it has to be seen to be believed: the titular Head Cheerleader (who looks not a day under 45) goes to school in her cheerleading outfit. Mrs. Jarv started whinging about how she only owns one set of clothes. It’s as if he’s trying to compensate and really bang it home that, yes, this 45 year old crack whore is actually a cheerleader.
So who is to blame for this case of epic fail? Step forward Jeff Miller- writer and director of this rubbish. Judging by this film, this is a man with an exceptional DVD collection. He clearly knows Halloween, Friday 13th, Scream, and countless others because he references them. However, he’s got the sensibilities of a train spotter, and is unable to stop at merely referencing these films- so he steals from them. There is one scene in particular that passes beyond homage to Halloween into straight plagiarism. Unfortunately, he was also unable to stop at stealing from good films and so takes (and I can’t fucking believe he did this) the murder motive straight from Scary Movie.
I’m not joking about that.
Just read that again:
He takes the murder motive straight from Scary Movie.
In the Schlock Vault this is an offence punishable by hanging the perpetrator from his thumbs while ravenous rats feast on his genitals. It’s only fair, and there are no mitigating factors.
Scary. Fucking. Movie.
I can’t believe someone would do this. Seriously- at the end of Scary Movie, it turns out that the killers (including the survivor girl’s boyfriend) are murdering because they’re gay now. In the end of HCDC, the killers (the head cheerleader’s current and ex boyfriends) are murdering the cheerleaders because they’re gay now- and there’s some shit about a jinx, but who the fuck cares?
As for the third killer, well he’s just a shit idea, and predictable shit at that.
So, given the above is their anything good in it? Staggeringly, yes. Seriously, and I know this sounds like a lie, but there is a bit of it that’s worth watching: the opening credits. A fat (this is a guess, but she sounds fat) submoron from the flyover states discovered that He was making a film. She decided for reasons best known by herself that she would call him up and warn/ threaten him with what would happen if this film was released and became the inspiration for cheerleader killings. The cheeky bastard uses this for the opening theme. If the rest of the film was half as witty and self-aware as this then it may well have been good.
Overall, would I recommend it? Fuck no. Put it in a rocket and shoot it into the sun.
I promise to do better next time.