Jarv’s view from the couch: Part 1 (Sci-fi and Horror)

This is normally Droid’s territory, but work has been kicking my arse to such an extent that I have literally not watched a movie of any description for absolutely yonks. However, Lovefilm has stuffed a whole load of TV up on the On-Demand service, and I have been watching that. So, this will include a brief capsule review of everything I’ve seen in 2013. Many of these series I started and then abandoned for being either a) shit or b) too much  for my lazy brain to deal with.

I’m not bothering with ratings for this lot, as I’ll be here all day. I will try to be clear though.

Supernova (2000)

Director: Thomas Lee (or Walter Hill)

Starring: James Spader, Angela Bassett, Robin Tunney

Space… vast, unknowable… what lies beyond its endless, intemerate dark? Perhaps worlds of zephyrean solitude, or monstrous, despairing horrors the human mind was never meant to comprehend. Or maybe it’s just a bum-fluffed cockwomble blatting endlessly about sod all. From visionary director Thomas Lee comes this exercise in SF terror as a medical ship receives a distress call from a distant mining colony and on arrival the crew discovers a lone survivor in possession of a glowing alien artifact… May contain the bamboozling sight of a 1970’s robot dressed as a 1940’s fighter pilot & spoilers.

Earth Vs The Spider (1958)

Director: Bert I. Gordon

Starring: Ed Kemmer, June Kenney, Gene Persson

This is the beginning of a periodic series featuring the wonder and pageantry of decades-spanning science fiction cinema. We kick off down the well-trod path of abnormally ginormous creatures and who better to direct us, ‘Mister BIG’ himself, Bert. Anyone even slightly arachnophobic should look away now; anyone who hasn’t the patience for cack flicks should probably put a swerve on as well… May contain a blatant bat-murdering Sheriff & spoilers.

Star Trek (2009)

 

Director: J.J. Abrams

Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban

So, anyway, Trek died with Insurrection and got zombiefied with Nemesis. I could see a tentative new telly series somewhere down the line, maybe, but not a movie. When I heard about a reboot, my first thought was Next Gen and we’d have that dimwit android B-4 bumbling about comically. Fortunately – or not, if you’re a blinkered nerd – we didn’t get that…

Star Trek: First Contact (1996)

Director: Jonathan Frakes

Starring: Patrick Stewart, Brent Spiner, Alice Krige

The Next Genners didn’t get off to a good start in Generations did they and when the follow up was announced, the sight of Paramount keeping it in-family didn’t instil much confidence in this one either. So how’s this re-watch gonna stand up? My memory is it’s the best of the post-original crew movies (2009’s re-imagining not included). I’m wary but hopeful…

Jarv Judges Dredd: The Crimes are multiple, and the sentence is…

I’m claiming Dredd for Made in Britain. Yes, technically it was multi-nation produced, and shot mostly in South Africa, but the writer, director and one of the leads are British, and while Mega City One may span the entire East coast of the United States, the original comic, 2000AD was British. So its ours, and that is my final word on the matter.

Obviously, were it rubbish, then I’d be passing the buck furiously to anyone other than us, so the fact that I’m claiming it at all should give an indication as to how this review is going to go. Oh, and I’ve gone insanely picture happy here.

May contain Judgement and extremely mild spoilers below

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The Thing (1982)

Welcome back to The Birthday Series. For those that don’t know, this is how it works: Pick a film released each year as close to your Birthday as possible. In my case, that’s 23rd August. As I get nearer to my actual date of Birth, finding, for the most part, the films can prove to be difficult. There’s one year, though, where it’s easy: 1982. 1982 was a vintage year for genre films, the kind of year that we just don’t get any more. Still, the 26th August in the UK saw John Carpenter’s classic The Thing released, a film that has rightly gone down as a classic with one of the most iconic taglines of all time:  Man is the warmest place to hide.

May contain crazy Swedes and Spoilers below.

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Dollman

Back off or I kill a fat lady!

Hehehehehe.

There’s no chance a film with top-notch dialogue like that is ever going to get a negative review from me. There’s even less chance when it’s a classic Full Moon production starring Tim Thomerson. Moreover, there’s no chance at all when said stupid film is about an intergalactic cop trapped in the Bronx chasing a disembodied head who is armed with a dimensional bomb. Particularly not when said villainous cranium is called “Sprug” and the intergalactic cop is called Brick Bardo. That he may as well be called Trooper Jack Deth is neither here nor there, frankly, as I don’t care about such quibbles.

Contains tiny police officers with the most powerful gun in the multiverse and spoilers below.

Spanked by the Monkey: Planet of the Apes (2001)

Bah, I hate this film. I’m a long time fan of the Apes films, and even the rotten TV series to some extent, and was massively excited to see Tim  Burton was directing a remake of it. Tim Burton visuals and sensibilities on Planet of the Apes? This had to be mint. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. Burton didn’t want to do the film, and was effectively a hired gun director, and as a direct result, the Planet of the Apes remake was an unmitigated fiasco from start to finish. Although it did make a whole bucket of cash, it was so reviled that Fox dropped the axe on the proposed sequel. Burton’s remake, in all fairness, isn’t as truly abysmal as its reputation, but it is easily the worst Apes film, and it is, in every sense of the word, a franchise killer.

Contains insults to the intelligence and Spoilers below.

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The X-Files: Fight the Future (1998)

Damned stupid title, this one. How can you possibly fight the future? It’s the future, and is going to happen whether you like it or not. You can change the future, sure, and I suppose you can fight the legacy of the past, but by definition as the future is not set you can’t fight it. It’s like trying to pin diarrhoea to the ceiling. Nevertheless, back in the 90′s the X-Files was one of the most successful television programmes going, and a spin off was inevitable, this 1998 effort (21st August in the UK) was the result.

Contains nothing but the Truth in there and spoilers below