A Droid Premiere – Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)

I may be the last guy who should review a Star Trek movie. I’ve never seen an episode of any of the TV series, and I’ve only seen one pre-reboot film, which was called ‘Star Trek Generations’. I saw that borefest in the worst possible setting. A midnight movie marathon. So my first instinct is to leave a review of the latest Trek in the hands of someone more knowledgeable. Wolf, I’m looking at you. But having thought about it, I’ve decided that maybe I’m the best person to review the film. I’ll explain why in a second…

A Droid Premiere – Iron Man Three (TwentyThirteen)

In two thousand and eight, an ambitious superhero series was started. Over the course of five films, four main characters (and a fair few periphery one’s) were introduced. The quality of these films varied from fairly good (Thor, Iron Man) to staggeringly bad (Iron Man Two). Somewhere along the line the series became known as “Phase One”. It all culminated in TwentyTwelve’s ‘The Avengers’, which was over-enthusiastically cupped and stroked by slobbering hordes of fanbois worldwide. I had fun with the film, but really, it wasn’t particularly good. ‘The Avengers’ went on to become the third highest grossing film of all time. Five years after the first ‘Iron Man’ hit the screens and made Robert Downey Jr a Hollywood darling, Tony Stark returns in ‘Iron Man Three’ (the credits make a point of using “three” and I’m not sure why), the first film of “Phase Two”. The conveyer belt of mediocrity continues to chug along mercilessly inflicting Marvel movies on the all too willing public.

A Droid Premiere – The Place Beyond The Pines (2013)

It’s the event film season. In this time of CGI effects, slow motion hero shots, basic storytelling and stuff blowing up real good, it’s often difficult to find a film at your local Hollywoodplex that tries for something more. A film about actual characters, who are involved in meaningful stories with insight and compelling themes. So when The Place Beyond The Pines was released last week, accompanied by favourable (often slobbering) reviews, I went out of my way to see it. I’m afraid I will be discussing the plot in some detail, so developments will be revealed. While these developments aren’t integral to the effectiveness of the film (ie. knowing them won’t ruin the film for you), I didn’t know the important one, and it wasn’t revealed in the trailer. If you read further, you’ll know. There, I’ve sufficiently covered my ass.

A Droid Premiere: Oblivion (2013)

It’s been a while between reviews, the last one being ‘Taken 2’ all the way back in October last year. This has been equal part laziness and part real life interfering. Okay, unequal. I’ve been mostly lazy. No surprise there. But I’m back now, and I intend to review on a more regular basis. To kick the resurgence off I bring you a Droid Premiere! Tom “The Running Man” Cruise’s foray into post-apocalyptic science fiction, ‘Oblivion’.

Django Unchained (2012)

Django Unchained, the 8th movie from Quentin Tarantino, was better than I
expected, but not quite as good as I wanted on a first viewing. As of now, I think Inglorious Bastards (I refuse to learn how to misspell that properly) is possibly QTʼs best movie since Pulp Fiction (though I readily admit I still have never seen Jackie Brown), and I may need another viewing of Django to decide which movie I think is best. Right now its Bastards, though that could change in the future.

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Girls Gone Dead

Just when you thought it was safe to go topless

Anyone out there who doesn’t know what a “Girls Gone Wild” video is? Seriously? Well in a nutshell, it’s a gift of a premise to base a slasher movie on. Basically, these videos consist of the recordings of enterprising filth merchants who trawl around the big Spring Break destination persuading attractive, and completely inebriated, college girls to take their tops off for the camera. Hell, half the time they don’t even have to be that attractive. Anyhow, what we have here is an attempt by a slightly less enterprising filth merchant called Michael Hoffman Jr to apply this idea to a slasher template.

Should be solid gold titties, eh?

Contains drunk chicks and inadvertent hard to spot spoiler below

Stuff Blows Up – Taken 2 (2012)

The first Taken film, released in 2008, came as a bit of a surprise. It’s an effective, lean, mean action film elevated by a convincing, driven central performance from Liam Neeson. After a lacklustre 20 minutes (10 of which are entirely unnecessary), the film delivered one of the most gripping, perfectly executed scenes in recent action films. Brian Mills (Neeson) on the phone to his daughter Kim (Maggie Grace) as she is abducted, to be sold into prostitution. What follows is a relentless series of beatings as Mills devastates the Parisian immigrant population in his search for his daughter. It’s pure, grim, visceral thrills, and it’s one of the better action films of the past 5 years. It was also a big hit on a modest budget. Inevitably, we get a sequel. How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice? Well, when you bludgeon to death half the population of Albania, a few of the victims family members may kick up a stink.

Quantum Droid – Looper (2012) vs Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)

Originally, this review was going to be about ‘Looper’. Then I saw a small indie film that was on my radar since the Sundance film festival earlier in the year called ‘Safety Not Guaranteed’. Both films revolve around the subject of time travel, but their respective approaches are completely different. A comparison might make interesting reading. We’ll see.

The World According to Arnie -Total Recall (1990)

I haven’t visited The World According to Arnie since the ‘Jarv reviews New Years Eve’ Christmas blitz of 2011. That one was Arnie’s moderately successful first foray into family friendly comedy, ‘Twins’. But after a brief respite, Arnie’s back where he belongs, as a kicking, punching, shooting, neck snapping, murdering planetary saviour in Paul Verhoeven’s ‘Total Recall’. I love this movie. It rivals ‘The Terminator’ as my favourite Arnie movie, and I’m going to have to turn to my old mate the thesaurus to look for new superlatives to use during this review. I can’t very well describe everything as “awesome” can I?

Droid’s Birthday Series: The Star Chamber (1983)

Hey, wouldn’t you know it, it’s my birthday again! And I’m still doing my birthday series!