A Droid Premiere – Iron Man Three (TwentyThirteen)

In two thousand and eight, an ambitious superhero series was started. Over the course of five films, four main characters (and a fair few periphery one’s) were introduced. The quality of these films varied from fairly good (Thor, Iron Man) to staggeringly bad (Iron Man Two). Somewhere along the line the series became known as “Phase One”. It all culminated in TwentyTwelve’s ‘The Avengers’, which was over-enthusiastically cupped and stroked by slobbering hordes of fanbois worldwide. I had fun with the film, but really, it wasn’t particularly good. ‘The Avengers’ went on to become the third highest grossing film of all time. Five years after the first ‘Iron Man’ hit the screens and made Robert Downey Jr a Hollywood darling, Tony Stark returns in ‘Iron Man Three’ (the credits make a point of using “three” and I’m not sure why), the first film of “Phase Two”. The conveyer belt of mediocrity continues to chug along mercilessly inflicting Marvel movies on the all too willing public.

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 13: Thor

This is version 3 of the Thor logo, and I’d like to thank Droid for the wording. 

Anyhoo, I rewatched Thor last night, and I almost think this might be the best Marvel movie not called Blade out there. Now, I know that sounds unlikely, because it’s dumber than a lobotomised Welshman (not sure you can tell the difference, actually), but nevertheless Kenneth Branagh’s adaptation of arguably the silliest Marvel Hero has several things that most of these type of films don’t actually have: a sense of scale, a sense of humour, and a good villain. So, credit where it’s due, Shakespeare scholar Branagh took an inherently dumbhouse idea and turned in a film that is far, far better than it has any right to be. When you think about all the po-faced joy-sucking efforts masquerading as Superhero films that Marvel has turned out, I really, truly believe that Branagh needs commending for this. Not that my opinion matters a jot, here’s Just Pillow Talk with his thoughts on the Mighty Thor…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 12 part 2. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

You can always tell when JPT is struggling with a review. I don’t read them before they go live, aside from the obligatory run of a spell check, but if I see the presence of a naked/ scantily clad leading lady on the bottom then it’s better than even chance that he’s hated the movie. Anyhow, he’s right this is a turd of a film.

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfercomes complete with all of the problems of the first film, but adds the kryptonite of comic book films: a dance scene. Name me one good comic book movie with a dance scene in it? Spidey 3? How about Iron Man 2? Nope, there isn’t one.

Anyhoo, this also features a space surfing silver Oscar statue with no penis, so there must be some amusement there, surely…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics. Number 9, part 2: Iron Man 2

Welcome back to Just Pillow Talk’s tour of insipid cinema. Marvel adaptations are, judging by this series, a pretty uninspiring bunch with very few of them becoming elevated above their source material. In fact, it does seem that he’s seen an awful lot that I’d term as being utter shit.  He split up the two Iron Man reviews, probably for reasons of sanity, as the second Iron Man film is dogshit by any reasonable standard. Nevertheless, he’s back with his update from the bowels of funny book hell: 

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 10. The Punisher

This was clearly not meant to be like this, but I’m killing time before going to see New Year’s Eve (I’d rather get caught breaking into Frank Castle’s house than do this) and as he’s sent both Punisher reviews in, we can double the punishment in one big, fat orgy of ass kickery. Well, half of one.

I actually like both of these films, for my sins, especially War Zone, but I do wonder why it is so hard to adapt The Punisher properly. I mean, it’s basically Death Wish, as far as I understand: 1 big bastard cleans up the streets. How can this group of Marvel adapters possibly fuck this one up…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 6 (4): Wolverine

I’m starting to wonder if the X-Men films aren’t the hardest individual section of the funny book tour. Other franchises only tend to have 1 bad movie in them, but this one is 5 films and of the 4 I’ve seen only 1 is an OK movie, and even then it isn’t very good. 

Sorry about the delay with this. Here’s Just Pillow Talk with Wolverine, the X-Men prequel nobody needed:

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics Number 9: Iron Man

I had all intentions of reviewing Wolverine next, but Netflix had other ideas and sent me a cracked disc. So I went to my fall back plan (not Howard the Duck) and threw in Iron Man. This movie really falls under a ‘comfort’ movie for me. I consider it a reliable Marvel movie, one that is quite solid for the first ¾ of the movie, but then loses a bit of momentum for the finale. The problem isn’t the special effects in the finale, but rather the scope of it. The battle between Stark and Stane is okay if that were the first fight. But for the final battle, it’s lacking.

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics Number 8: Man-Thing

Man-Thing (2005)

You know when you are drunk and you say stuff you really don’t mean? There is still a slight glimmer of common sense trying to make it to the top of your current drunken haze of a mind and say “hey, dumb fuck, don’t say that!” Yet alcohol wins and smashes that puny common sense to smithereens? While I was not drunk when I readily agreed to review every stinking Marvel movie made, clearly my common sense took a vacation and is sitting this one out. The hang over I wake up to today with is Man-Thing. Not even a delicious Belgium Farmhouse Ale could save me, despite its bravest attempts.

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics. Number 6 (part 1): THE X-MEN

Sadly for Just Pillow Talk, this is Brian Singer’s version of the X-men. So instead of a plethora of scantily/ latex clad babes he’s got to endure a boring extended gay metaphor with nary a boob in sight, limited action, and lots and lots of crying.

I always thought this series would be too much for him, and it appears that he agrees. Probably the thought of doing 5 of them in a row. As a result, he’s sensibly decided to split it up, and here is his first attempt: X-men.

Me, I think this is shit. I thought it was shit at the time, and nothing I’ve seen has changed my opinion. Still, over to you Just Pillow Talk:

The Birthday Series – Captain America (2011)

Who would’ve thunk it? My crazy idea for “a movie a day” in the lead up to my birthday, celebrating each year of my life, would catch on? Well, to my gleeful pleasure, both Jarv and Just Pillow Talk have embarked on their own celebrations. And in one Total Bastards case, it’s a doozy of a mission. Alas, I got about halfway through my list before I had a meltdown and went AWOL, and ever since I’ve been picking at the scab of my life, one mediocre movie at a time. And since I’ve taken so damn long to finish off this series, wouldn’t you know it, another year has passed and I’ve got 2011 to add to the mix. And lucky me, it seemed like a good’un. ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’, Marvels latest two hour trailer for next years ‘The Avengers’, was released just shy of my birthday and actually looked like a lot of fun! So… did it deliver the goods? Read on, my friends. Read on.