Tag Archive | Film

Being a responsible parent 2: Hawk the Slayer

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Seeing as I’m taking the high road and setting out to make sure that Finn can safely watch any manner of movies without untold trauma, nightmares and growing up into a serial killer, I’m taking it on myself to watch as many of the films I saw as a kid to see how “Family friendly” they are. Last time I provided sage and sound advice when confronted with Childhood classic and young mind destroyer Watership Down (Suitable for all, my arse). This time around it’s another one from my childhood: Hawk the Slayer  Read More…

The Pot of Gore: Leprechaun Origins

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As The Church of Chang’s foremost lepologist, it’s my duty to review any Leprechaun movie out there. I first heard of a new Lep movie a couple of years ago, when the production company drank in my local boozer. They had the rights and were attempting to get Warwick back to bring us some more zany high-concept Lep fun. Sadly, they lost the rights and it passed on to WWE Studios- who instantly promised to reboot the series. Alarm bells began to ring at this point, if I’m honest. Nevertheless, WWE pressed ahead, and delivered unto us Leprechaun: Origins, and it’s now my sorry duty to bury the corpse of my favourite Horror franchise.

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Halloween 2 (2009): Ending on a low note.

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It’s been long noted in the 5 years or so that we’ve been doing this that I’ll watch anything, and can usually find some enjoyment regardless of how wretched the subject matter. I’ve taken on series such as Children of the Corn that would have had the brain of a lesser man melting through boredom, and I’ve reviewed 165 schlocky low budget b-movie efforts. Therefore, when I say that I’ve struggled with this series, and damned nearly abandoned it, you get an idea about how awful this film is. I started this fucking series A YEAR AGO, and came within a gnat’s pubic hair of binning it as a rancid idea. But now I can say with some confidence that I’ve done it- I’ve now finished the Halloween films.

And it’s been a real struggle.

Contains mystifying sub-Lynchian dream sequences and spoilers below.

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Happy Belated Birthday to Us!

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Yeah, I’m shit. But hey, better late than never.

We officially passed our five year anniversary on October the 8th! So Happy Birthday to us. Read More…

Being a responsible parent: Watership Down

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This series is in no way me procrastinating and avoiding finishing the Halloween series. Honest.

For those of you that don’t know, I’ve recently entered the world of parenthood. So, the other day, I was standing perusing my DVD collection and noting the quite impressive amount of completely inappropriate material present there. We’re not talking one or two films that you wouldn’t show to a nipper, by the way, we’re talking only one or two films that you would feel comfortable with a child watching. This got me to thinking, and given that I’ve been quite patronising on my censorship series about crap parenting, about films I saw as a kid and whether or not I’d feel comfortable showing them to Finn. Fair enough, he’s only 5 months old so isn’t really aware of what’s on screen (accidental trauma caused by a viewing of Alien notwithstanding) but I was thinking, genuinely, what would I be happy with him watching? So, what I’m going to attempt here is a quick tongue in cheek look at some “Children’s classics” (most of which are not classic in the slightest, by the way) that I saw when young, and would I happily sit him down in front of it while I went to the pub. First up is beloved Children’s animation and not at all traumatic fascism analogy Watership Down.

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Just Pillow Talk’s Marvel Movie Mayhem continues with a 2 for 1 special!

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Exactly what the title says. This time our intrepid reviewer has decided to take on 2 of the recent and shitty comic book adaptations being nut rubbed by the nerds, met with indifference by the general public while boring the arse off me.

Sadly, they’re not Ghost Rider 2. Although I am deeply troubled by his worrying Ex-Mrs. Martin obsession. Still, she seems to have had a conscious uncoupling from the Iron Man films now, so he’ll have to watch her try to act to get his fix.

Apologies for the late posting of this, I’ve had it for a while, but been buried under real life stuff. Nevertheless, Take it away Pillows… Read More…

REVIEW – Guardians of the Galaxy: Space Camp

GotG_01By zombie_fatigue

Many thanks to zombie_fatigue for writing up this review of Marvel’s latest exercise in mediocrity (I say sight unseen). Cheers mate.

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[Insert Ape Pun Here] Kloipy has seen Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

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‘Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’ kicks off with a rousing hunt scene. Instead of the apes chasing down humans, we are treated to a nearly wordless 10 minutes sequence in which the apes in formation, stalk and take down some elk and nearly escape a bear attack. Though the hunt turns into chaos it is also apparent that the apes had continued to evolve from ‘Rise’ by the fact that they have now established hunting tools, some wearing war paint, some riding horses, and a colony in between the giant redwoods. This society has families, a sort of school, some laws that they have put together, and at the top of the chain stands Caesar. He has taken the leader position and rules it well. Read More…

Here we go again- Halloween (2007)

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You want to know what this film is? No? Well, I don’t care, I’m telling you anyway. It’s cinematic necrophilia.

Resurrection had killed the series, again, but much like it’s protagonist it simply couldn’t stay dead. The concept still made money, so there was a desire to continue it in some way. Thankfully, Busta Rhymes v Myers was so piss poor that it killed the idea of a sequel in that continuity stone dead, but there’s one thing Halloween has always done: latch on to current trends. Sadly, the trend in the second half of the last decade was driven by Platinum Dunes and involved heinously awful plastic remakes of classics (or otherwise) of the genre. We’ve had Nightmare on Elm St, The Fog, Dawn of the Dead (obligatory fuck you Snyder), Day of the Dead, Prom Night, The Hitcher, Hills Have Eyes, The Crazies (arguably the best of the trend), The Omen, Black Christmas, My Bloody Valentine, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and so on and so forth. What this dismal list has in common (aside from that a significant number of them were date based slashers spawned by the original Halloween), is that only The Crazies is a decent film, and most of them not only miss the point of the originals, but manage to be shiny, polished but ultimately entirely boring entries into the genre.  Read More…

Halloween: Resurrection. Or as I like to think of it, the series returning to form

 

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I’m sick to death of the sight of this review so I’m publishing it. Sorry about the rough state of it.

Who on earth thought this was a good idea? Come on, own up…

After the relative critical and overwhelming cash success of H20, the inevitable happened: another sequel. I’m going to go out on a limb here and state that in no way did H20 warrant a sequel. Particularly not one with Myers in it- as the Laurie Strode storyline had been completed with her grabbing a chopper (c.f Leslie Vernon) and taking it to her murderous sibling. Case fucking closed. Nevertheless, cash registers had chimed, so sequel time it was. Except this time, it was after the turn of the century, so the trend had changed. Around about 2000, give or take, a number of hidden camera/ internet/ found footage films appeared. Almost all of them (honourable exception to My Little Eye) are total garbage, but this trend was going strong, and for some reason the writers of Halloween 8 decided to incorporate Myers into it. This, frankly, is a terrible idea, but not quite as bad as the one to cast Busta Rhymes as a media mogul.

Spoilers and the deeply annoying survival of Busta Rhymes ahead.  Read More…

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