Tag Archive | Film

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (on the audience)


Why won’t this bloody series die? I’ve now long passed the point where I wish I hadn’t started it, and I now actively resent the increasingly boring, turgid and unimaginative dreck with The Shape, robbed of all menace, tiresomely killing identikit teenagers. Halloween 5, to my mind, should represent the nadir of the series, as surely it can’t get any worse from here.

Contains your humble reviewer suffering from a nervous breakdown due to boredom, inexplicable attempts at explaining the mythology and spoilers below.  Read More…

Halloween 4: or how I learned to stop worrying and hate the series

Halloween 4 poster

Halloween 3 made some money. This is fact. However, despite this, it was generally perceived as a failure for not making enough filthy moolah. The tragedy of this is that the idea of simply using the date as a launch point for a horror series of stand alone movies is a cracking one, and Halloween 4 was originally conceived as a ghost film. A large part of me wishes that they’d gone through with this idea, because if they had had the balls to do it, then there’s a high chance that the ghost installment of the franchise would have been far more interesting than this dull, unimaginative and frankly annoying piece of shit. But no, creativity lost the battle with the balance sheet, and instead we got the return of Michael fucking Myers that absolutely nobody was clamouring for.

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A Droid Premiere: Robocop (2014)

A Droid Premiere

When sat down to I write this review a few days ago, it was with the intention of not focusing solely on the fact that this is a remake of a great film and a personal favourite. I tried to accept the film on its own merits and not to compare the two films. I finished a draft, but it felt a little unsatisfactory. Like I hadn’t looked properly at the film, and instead, glossed over the big issues. Anyway, what is written below is the same review, but draft two, which hopefully addresses some of these issues. It’s more critical, and it does directly compare the two films. A lot. But only because the remake forces me to. But I guess the important thing is that the rating hasn’t changed. There’s just more context to why I gave it that rating. Anyway…


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3 Years later, but still the same day: Halloween 2

Halloween 2

After the stunning success of Halloween, John Carpenter then carried on with his creative hot streak. However, in the interim a plethora of Halloween clones appeared on the big screen and made a vast amount of cash. Thus, it was inevitable that they would return to the seminal original to try to milk the cash cow’s teats. Therefore, it was absolutely no surprise to anyone that Halloween 2 would limp out of the blocks to wow absolutely nobody. What was more of a surprise, however, is that they would continue the story on the same night- no unexplained break here, we’re simply watching part 2 of Halloween. Read More…

Ghouls, Ghosts and Random Acts of Stabbery: Halloween

Halloween poster

It’s been a long time since I started out a new series, and given the season, I thought I’d have a stab (no pun intended) at every Halloween movie. I’m not actually sure this is good idea, as I’m pretty certain that 4,5 and 7 are abominable, and I haven’t seen the remakes. Not to mention that I really have nothing new at all to say about John Carpenter’s seminal original. Still, never the less, here we go… Read More…

Made in Britain: Elfie Hopkins (2012)


Where to begin with this one. For a start, it was renamed in the US, probably in a vague attempt to cash in on the mash-up, as Elfie Hopkins: Cannibal Hunter, which is frankly an outrageous spoiler and completely blows the second half of the film. I can kind of see why it was thought to be a good idea to rename it, because “Elfie Hopkins” by itself isn’t exactly a title to get the giblets tingling, suggesting as it does a kind of dreary tween twilight-meets-Mike-Hammer farrago. What is more likely to cause a brief spike in interest is that this little film has a cast that’s far too good for it, and the strapline “who are the neighbours having for dinner” has a kind of playfulness that implies black comedy. I saw the poster on the tube when it was released and put it down in my “watch at some point, probably when it comes on Lovefilm” list. Well, it’s now on Lovefilm, so I’ve watched it.

Contains a creepy, rapey-looking, refugee from Twilight and Spoilers below. Although none of the spoilers are remotely in the same class as the spoil from renaming the damned film. 

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Night of the Lepus

Night of the Lepus poster

Having hopped back on the terrible film horse last week with the bloody silly Street Warrior, I thought I’d go back in time in the Vault to dig out one of the absolute classics of rancid cinema. I’m not feeling brave enough for exploitation, or anything remotely rapey, at the moment, which ruled out an awful lot of the obvious choices. Instead, I feel a need to watch something nicer, something fluffier, maybe about an utterly innocuous threat that can be heartily laughed at without feeling ill afterwards. With this in mind, I dug up a long lost “classic”: 1972′s piece of epic stupidity Night of the Lepus.

Contains cute twitching noses and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Street Warrior

Street Warrior Cover

*cautiously opens door of vault*

It’s scary in here, and there’s definitely a funny smell. Possibly of hope dying. This explains why I’ve not reviewed anything in a long time. Heh.

Actually, I’ve just been lazy, to be honest. Nevertheless, I am still watching rubbish hoping to sift out nuggets of gold, just most of what I’ve seen hasn’t really been worth a review. For example, I have literally nothing of interest to say about Metamorphosis (1989) other than “shit film, but funny to see an early cameo from Barney the Dinosaur”. I have got forthcoming reviews of some gold such as Chainsaw Cheerleaders (and Ninja Cheerleaders if I can ever find it) coming soon, but in the meantime here’s a brief review of 2008′s alleged underground fighting film Street Warrior.  Read More…

ToadKillerDog falls in love with Mathilda May…


It’s always nice when we get a new contributor. This time out it’s Below the line regular and caretaker of the most alcoholic dog in continental America ToadKillerDog.

He’s popping his critical cherry with perennial alcohol accompaniment favourite, Tobe Hooper’s epic and completely coke-fueled Lifeforce.

Take it away TKD… Read More…

Made in Britain Special: A Field in England (preview)

Tonight sees a new development in the way films are distributed. Ben Wheatley’s new effort, A Field in England is the first film to be simultaneously released on DVD/ Blu, in the Cinema and shown on Television. Albeit on Film4.

I’m actually really excited by this one. There’s a Matthew Hopkins vibe to the poster and Wheatley is so far on a 100% hit rate with me (even if that is a bit wobbly).  Read More…


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