Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Grabbers!

Get away from him you CUNT!

Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. Even up to inexplicable squid beasts that crawl off the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

There was no way in hell I wasn’t going to love Grabbers. It’s set in Ireland, stars Richard Coyle, who I like from Coupling on the BBC years ago, and features alcohol prominently. Not to mention that it also has giant inexplicable tentacle beasts with a severe attitude problem. Seriously, throw in some gratuitous nudity and a midget or two and I’m in heaven. That it’s also quite a good little film, certainly one that transcends its pathetic budget, is merely a bonus. It does also feature that twat from Being Human sporting a terrible Upper Class English accent, but you can’t have everything.

Contains dipsomania and spoilers below

Jarv’s view from the couch part 2: Comedy and Drama

I know technically DarkPlace was a comedy, but I’m splitting this TV series into manageable bite-sized chunks.

Anyway, this time around, I’m looking at another cancelled British comedy, and a long running and grotesquely overrated American series.

Jarv’s view from the couch: Part 1 (Sci-fi and Horror)

This is normally Droid’s territory, but work has been kicking my arse to such an extent that I have literally not watched a movie of any description for absolutely yonks. However, Lovefilm has stuffed a whole load of TV up on the On-Demand service, and I have been watching that. So, this will include a brief capsule review of everything I’ve seen in 2013. Many of these series I started and then abandoned for being either a) shit or b) too much  for my lazy brain to deal with.

I’m not bothering with ratings for this lot, as I’ll be here all day. I will try to be clear though.

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Candy Stripers

We’re running out of patients!

I’m going to break out the world’s smallest violin here.

I was due to spend this Christmas with my family in Scotland. This, at the best of times, is a horrifying prospect, involving arguments, enough Scotch to kill a small island, more arguments, shite food and I have to take the train for the privilege. However, due to a contact lens related disaster, I had to disembark the train at Newcastle and go to casualty. The lens had gone bad, and had sealed itself to my eye. As such, it had gouged the surface of my cornea, and I couldn’t get the bastard out. Anyhow, the Doctor removed it (made a sound like velcro when he took it out), gave me a telling off, and made me come back in the next day (Christmas Eve).

So, what has this got to do with a shady little B-Movie? Simple, he prescribed me three sets of eye drops and ordered me to stay up 24 hours putting them in every hour on the hour. This would, I felt, be a challenge as I was bound to be half cut and ready for bed. There was but one solution: watch any old bollocks on TV and hope for the best. So, at 2AM on 24th December, your humble narrator was sitting in a severely uncomfortable chair, shivering in a room with no heating watching Candy Stripers on The Horror Channel. This is by far the most stringent test that I’ve ever put a schlock vault entry through. The goal was simple: Candy Stripers had to be entertaining enough to stop my dozing off. 

Made in Britain: Kill Keith

I am sure I’ve ranted about this before, but if there’s one genre that we really are atrocious at in the 21st Century, then that’s  comedy. We’re turning out classy horror after classy horror, have a nice line in gritty action and are all over misery porn, but since Shaun of the Dead, I can’t honestly think of a worthwhile comedy. Not one. This is astonishing, because we have a strong legacy with comedy (if you ignore most of the Carry on Films) dating all the way back to Ealing in the 30′s. Yet, something in the 21st Century seems to have gone pear shaped, and every comedy I’ve seen is about as funny as an Aussie DJ’s prank phone call. So, when Kill Keith landed on my doorstep, despite me knowing next to nothing about it, I wasn’t particularly hopeful, in fact, all I wanted was that someone was actually going to kill Keith Chegwin. Preferably messily.

Quantum Droid – Looper (2012) vs Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)

Originally, this review was going to be about ‘Looper’. Then I saw a small indie film that was on my radar since the Sundance film festival earlier in the year called ‘Safety Not Guaranteed’. Both films revolve around the subject of time travel, but their respective approaches are completely different. A comparison might make interesting reading. We’ll see.

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Honky Tonk Freeway (1981)

I think I’ve accidentally meandered, possibly while drunk, into Droid’s forthcoming bombs series. That is the only explanation I can come up with for the cinematic boredom that flitted its way across my screen on Sunday. Not only was Honky Tonk Freeway (Release date 21st August in America) terrible, but it is one of the biggest bombs in history, taking a mighty $2m from a $25m budget in 1981. The question I have to ask, though, is who on earth decided that this was the film to spend that whack of cash on? Seriously, who? Oh, and while I’m thinking about it, this was also a real bastard to find, and I ended up watching  almost all of it on YouTube. So, thanks for that too- this was probably the only way I could have found to make the entire experience more of a trial.

Contains an elephant on water skis and a singular lack of comedy not to mention mild spoilers below

Made In Britain: The Inbetweeners Movie

It occurred to me the other day that I haven’t actually reviewed that much British Comedy in this series. There’s a reason for that: it’s usually shit. Furthermore, we don’t seem to actually make as much comedy as we do Horror or kitchen sink Misery Porn. Anyhoo, I’ve got a few in the works, and this is the first: The Inbetweeners Movie.

Contains social ineptness and spoilers below

BRAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNSSSS!!! The Return of the Living Dead Series. Part 1: Jarv looks back at Return of the Living Dead 1-3.

Next up on my quest through horror movie series is the incomparable Return of the Living Dead. The original Return of the Living Dead (here on referred to as ROTLD)was one of my first Vault reviews from way back in the Summer of 2009, and to be honest, it doesn’t read anywhere near as well now as I thought it did. I followed this with ROTLD 2 in November 2009, and again, it’s not my most sophisticated piece of criticism ever. I finally took on ROTLD 3 last year, as part of my quest to watch every Brian Yuzna film ever made, and the review is a bit better. But what is Return of the Living Dead, I hear you ask?

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Better off Dead (1985)

8 films to go before I take on the probably useless Total Recall remake this summer. I quite like doing these Birthday Series as there’s always a wide variety of films available. For those unfamiliar with the rules, this is how it works: Pick a film released as close to your date of birth as possible and then watch and review it. Sometimes it turns lucky, sometimes (*cough* Just Pillow Talk *cough*) it’s an exercise in torture. Today’s entry is Savage Steve Holland’s 1985 teen parody Better off Dead (21st August in Australia- I knew there was a use for the country), a film I hadn’t seen since the late 80′s and one that I was thoroughly looking forward to rewatching.

May contain saucy French foreign exchange students and spoilers below.