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Fuck the Occupy movement. Jarv gets supremely bored by, and then incredibly pissed off at, COSMOPOLIS

Droid nailed this down as the worst film of 2012. While I have seen some of the other mentioned stinkers, and think that the worst film of last year was the incomparably awful Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, he is right about how “good” it is. Cosmopolis is a rotten, awful, pretentious, pompous movie, and lord knows what it is doing as part of Cronenberg’s canon. It’s winding me up a bit actually, because having found a bit of form with History of Violence and Eastern Promises, he seems to be luxuriating in the kind of tiresome crap that he wouldn’t have gone anywhere near in the 80’s. Following on from the disappointing Freud nonsense, Cosmopolis is another let down, and I’m hoping he’s not about to enter another fallow period.

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Cronenberg’s Talking Cure: A Dangerous Method

This, on paper, is a golden idea. Cronenberg has made a career out of Freudian imagery, so making an actual movie based on a well regarded play, based on a well regarded book, about Freud and Jung must have seemed like a perfect fit of director to material. Think Michael Bay and Transformers. Instead, I’m not sure what went wrong here, because this doesn’t feel much like a Cronenberg film, but that might be because this is “new” respectable Cronenberg, not old insane Body Horror Cronenberg. Dave, man, what happened to you?  Read More…

From Russia with Stabbery: Eastern Promises

Well, it’s been a marathon slog, but I’m finally up to date with the Cronenberg series. I’ve seen grubby sex, drugs crazed mugwamps, piss poor drag racing and all manner of psychotics, but finally I’ve arrived at Eastern Promises, the most recent Cronenberg film. Read More…

Back on Form: A History of Violence

Can I get a “Hallelujah”? How about a “Praise the Lord”? Finally, your intrepid reviewer has cleared the forsaken films and moved onto Cronenberg’s two most recent films. The first is the much praised A History of Violence. Based on the funnybook by Jack Wagner (creator of Judge Dredd), A History of Violence tells the story of Tom Stall, a humble diner owner in nowhere USA, and his violent past catching up with him. Read More…

A Study in Boredom: Spider

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It has been absolutely murder wading through these last few films, and I can’t say I’ve enjoyed it in the slightest. Spider is the last of the “second shit period”, and thank the lord this is all out of the way. I’ve waded through drug trip nightmares in Naked Lunch, imbecilic transvestite-shagging weirdos in M. Butterfly, a veritable torrent of filth in Crash and the utter shitness of Existenz, yet this is the only film of this fallow period that I would describe as boring.

And boy is it boring. Read More…

Videodrome for Pussies: Existenz

Let me preface this chapter of the ongoing Cronenberg saga with a few choice words: Existenz is a shit film and a titanic fucking failure. It is creatively, developmentally and otherwise a massive misstep and the making of this film was, I believe, down to a loss of confidence from the usually assured Canadian after the critical and commercial mauling Crash received. It’s as if he returned to his earlier lauded work and produced a milquetoast, watered down, inept version of his earlier nightmarish Videodrome for purely misplaced commercial reasons. As such, Existenz is nuetered, boring, irrelevant and a complete waste of time for both film-maker and viewer. Read More…

Perverted Nihilism: Crash

For some completely inexplicable reason I’ve now seen this film four times, and I can’t say any one of those times could remotely be called enjoyable. Crash is, unquestionably, one of the most viscerally unpleasant films that it has been my misfortune to sit through. It’s an exercise in nihilistic misery and an examination of perversion with absolutely nothing insightful to say about the subject. Read More…

Should have gone to Specsavers: M. Butterfly

Christ, I don’t know where to begin with this one. I’ve tried to write it a few times without spoiling, but have been forced to conclude that the only sensible way to review this film is to review the spoiler in the film. I’ve come to this conclusion for two reasons: it’s fucking obvious, and furthermore it’s all over the internets. Nevertheless, on with the review… Read More…

Queers and Junk: Naked Lunch

I now return to the Cronenberg series after what feels like an eternity and I can’t say I’m taking much pleasure from the next few films. Naked Lunch is the starting point for “the second shit period” and although it isn’t as bad as I remembered it being, I can’t say that I actually enjoyed watching it. Read More…

Cronenberg’s Masterpiece: Dead Ringers

Apparently, I’m not equipped to review this film for 2 reasons. The first is, obviously, that I’m a colossal dunderhead with sensibilities fit for watching a dwarf eat his own head, but entirely unfit for watching subtle, psychological horror (and that I keep maintaining that Dead Ringers isn’t a horror film, but a tragedy). The second, and far more important one, is that I’m male and therefore the film doesn’t hit me in the genitals the same way that it does with women. For example, I have no fear at all of the gynaecologist.

Therefore, with no further ado, I hand you over to Mrs. Jarv. So behave yourselves, else I’ll set the boreworms on you.

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