Made in Britain: Sightseers (2012)

This was one of my most anticipated films of last year, that slipped by me through a variety of shameful cock ups and laziness. Nevertheless, I’d been waiting for Ben Wheatley’s third film since I saw Kill List and he’s currently batting 100% with me as I also really enjoyed Down Terrace, albeit for different reasons than the more visceral follow up. So, the news that he was taking a script written by Darkplace’s Alice Lowe and Steve Oram about a psychotic pair of ramblers had me curious. What would a director such as Wheatley do with a concept that is best described as black as midnight comedy? The answer was last year’s Sightseers.

Contains knitted crotchless panties and spoilers below.

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Boston Girls

Slam Pig! 

I have genuinely come to the conclusion that modern exploitation films tend to be hideous. It is true, though, that almost all exploitation has been awful, with only a few gems standing out from the crowd, but the difference was that the 1970′s films were attempting to overcome limitations imposed on them by budget, talent, time and so forth and there were a few that genuinely transcended their lowly origins. Whereas 21st Century exploitation has none of the limitations the 70′s film makers had to overcome, and instead intentionally makes the films shoddy, grainy and more seriously unpleasant than they had to be. It was with this in mind that I decided to inflict Boston Girls on myself, and I didn’t have a lot in the way of hope for it.

Contains cack handed faux feminism and spoilers below 

Video Game Adaptations: Silent Hill Revelation

I swore that I was never going to do another one of these after the misbegotten Mario Brothers adaptation sapped my will to live. However, when I saw Silent Hill 2 was announced, the sequel to arguably the only remotely successful adaptation, and that Solomon Kane director Michael J. Basset was helming, I resolved to not only watch it, but provide the review as a nice symmetrical bookend to this series- I started with the original so there’s a nice sense of order to finishing with the sequel. So, is this series going out with a bang or a whimper?

Contains strange pink rabbits and severe spoilers below.

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Forget Me Not

Who’s Chad? He’s the pretty boy you fucked yesterday!

This is quite funny. When I found this lurking in Lovefilm’s watch now section, I thought Forget Me Not was obvious schlock vault fodder. And it is. But what’s amusing is that I’d had exactly the same thought back in October last year, and watched half the film to, erm, totally forget about it and thus fail dismally to watch (let alone review) the second half. I’m a genius- forgetting about the existence of a film called Forget Me Not. Anyway, such is my dedication to the vault, I thought I’d give it a spin anyway.

Contains a wonderfully trashy chick, shit ghosts, and spoilers below

Fuck the Occupy movement. Jarv gets supremely bored by, and then incredibly pissed off at, COSMOPOLIS

Droid nailed this down as the worst film of 2012. While I have seen some of the other mentioned stinkers, and think that the worst film of last year was the incomparably awful Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, he is right about how “good” it is. Cosmopolis is a rotten, awful, pretentious, pompous movie, and lord knows what it is doing as part of Cronenberg’s canon. It’s winding me up a bit actually, because having found a bit of form with History of Violence and Eastern Promises, he seems to be luxuriating in the kind of tiresome crap that he wouldn’t have gone anywhere near in the 80′s. Following on from the disappointing Freud nonsense, Cosmopolis is another let down, and I’m hoping he’s not about to enter another fallow period.

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Grabbers!

Get away from him you CUNT!

Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. Even up to inexplicable squid beasts that crawl off the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

There was no way in hell I wasn’t going to love Grabbers. It’s set in Ireland, stars Richard Coyle, who I like from Coupling on the BBC years ago, and features alcohol prominently. Not to mention that it also has giant inexplicable tentacle beasts with a severe attitude problem. Seriously, throw in some gratuitous nudity and a midget or two and I’m in heaven. That it’s also quite a good little film, certainly one that transcends its pathetic budget, is merely a bonus. It does also feature that twat from Being Human sporting a terrible Upper Class English accent, but you can’t have everything.

Contains dipsomania and spoilers below

Jarv’s view from the couch returns!

It’s been a while since I’ve reviewed anything due to crushing work pressure and the fact that I’ve knackered the home PC. So, in a lame attempt to at least update every now and again, I’m resorting to our Spanish lap top. Which is fun, provided I remember where the quotation marks are.

Anyway, I’m still not watching a lot in the way of films, seeing as Lovefilm has seen fit to put basically every TV show ever made up on free to view. So, as a result I’m picking my way through TV series. You know the drill for this by now: a handful of mini-reviews of whatever series I’ve watched recently. Usually a mix of the good, the bad and the downright rotten.

Jarv’s view from the couch part 2: Comedy and Drama

I know technically DarkPlace was a comedy, but I’m splitting this TV series into manageable bite-sized chunks.

Anyway, this time around, I’m looking at another cancelled British comedy, and a long running and grotesquely overrated American series.

Jarv’s view from the couch: Part 1 (Sci-fi and Horror)

This is normally Droid’s territory, but work has been kicking my arse to such an extent that I have literally not watched a movie of any description for absolutely yonks. However, Lovefilm has stuffed a whole load of TV up on the On-Demand service, and I have been watching that. So, this will include a brief capsule review of everything I’ve seen in 2013. Many of these series I started and then abandoned for being either a) shit or b) too much  for my lazy brain to deal with.

I’m not bothering with ratings for this lot, as I’ll be here all day. I will try to be clear though.

Made in Britain: Hush (2009)

Hush. What a terrible title. Not only is it utterly unevocative, but furthermore it’s just totally imaginative. If I say “Hush” it instantly conjures up images of parents struggling to keep control of errant and annoying children, or if you’re nerdy enough, a Batman villain. At a stretch it reminds me of a terrible Kula Shaker song from the 90’s. What it does not help me visualise is a taut thriller about a couple on a motorway near Sheffield (God’s Chosen City) being menaced by a nutter.

Contains human trafficking and spoilers below.